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True Commitment: Getting to WE

By Tania Dally

There is a good chance that if you are reading this article, then you have some concerns about your relationship.

You may not be entirely responsible for where you are at, in fact it's highly likely you are not. Maybe you are not even 50% responsible. It doesn't really matter.

What does matter is that without commitment from you, you may as well give up now. There's no backing away from it once the process has begun. Because this is a process.

OK. Let's back up a little. Firstly let's start with something really obvious, but sadly often overlooked. Do you want to fix whatever is wrong in your relationship?

I mean, do you want to be in a relationship with your partner? Because you really need to have the answer to that firmly figured out before anything else.

If the answer is 'maybe' or 'no', then no matter what advice or tools you are taught, it won't work. People end relationships for all sorts of reasons. People stick at it for all sorts of reasons too.

The point is that what is required from here on is commitment. Real stick ability. Commitment is a really important concept, and one we will return to later.

But for now what I need from you is a firm 'yes'. Yes I am committed to making this relationship work.

Done? Great! That's a huge positive step. So, armed with a commitment to sticking it out and a commitment to change, we are ready to get into the meaty stuff.

If you have tried traditional counselling, you may have heard that communication is the most important aspect of a healthy relationship. That people need to hear and be heard. All that 'I feel this when you do that...'.

Sure, it's an important aspect of a relationship, but if you talk to people whose relationship isn't working for them, they will tell you they've been communicating and listening to no end. Often they communicate too much! Good arguing isn't good communicating.

And it's not like people haven't tried to be effective communicators. People work very hard at trying to fix it. It just doesn't move you towards each other.

Getting to "WE"

OK, so arguing isn't getting anywhere. What does? Every relationship needs a healthy, functioning connection, from here on referred to as the "WE."

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We are in this together. We have a common goal. We don't score points off each other. Successful relationships focus on the idea of a single entity, without losing their individuality in the process.

Let me explain.

Successful relationships don't keep score. It's not about who does what for whom, or who has the hardest life. Real togetherness is destroyed by keeping tally and by constant attacks.

"After everything I've done for you", or "I've done this and this and what have you done.....?" These mindsets eat away at relationships. A true partnership values and respects the other's contributions, without the need for comparisons. You are on the same team, remember?

Think about the way 'we' works for you and your partner.

How important is that for you? Is it an absolute? Is it precious? In what ways do you foster your togetherness? Attack leads to defence and then retaliation. It doesn't work. Do you attack rather than support? Think back to when you were happier - how was that dynamic different?

This idea of WE has the power to transform your relationship. It is also one of the main themes of an ebook called "Save the Marriage" by Dr Lee Baucom which I highly recommend.

If you like the sound of this, you can explore more information about this practical and powerful guide: here.

So in summary you need to create and foster the idea of 'WE' as being fundamental to your relationship improving.

Look for positive ways to promote and strengthen ties within your relationship. When both parties are truly commited a shared vision emerges which transcends and empowers the individuals.

Now there is an idea worth striving for!

© Tania Dally
Tania Dally - a 36 year old psychology and education graduate as well as a mother of three sons and happily married for 15 years - works as a relationship coach on the Kapiti Coast of New Zealand.


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