Confessions of a Lonely Christian
By Veda Yolandra Taylor
I am a single mother of three girls ages 5,7 and 9, employed full time at a local university, a part-time college student scheduled to graduate in August 2007, editor and staff for the church newsletter, chairperson for two upcoming conferences at church and vice president for the parent committee for my children’s after-school organization and that is just the tip of the ice berg.
Yesterday, I felt that I had reached my breaking point. There were so many items on my agenda and I felt like I was losing my grip on everything all at once. As I stop to look at why I am so overwhelmed I quickly realize why.
The one thing that I came to realize is that the main battle that I fight is loneliness. I have made myself busy with events and appointments to distract my attention from the fact that I am physically alone. If you would ask anyone that knows me they would label me as a very popular person that everybody loves to be around but it doesn’t seem that way to me because my focus is always on this one area-loneliness. As a Christian trying to date without the benefit of sex and being a good (single) parent it gets really tough to find a quality partner. I believe that I am ready for my husband and I think about it almost constantly. When I wake up it is on my mind, when I go to sleep it is on my mind. “All my friends are married”, “What’s wrong with me?” and on and on. This loneliness is so draining that I have to keep reminding myself that the ‘Joy of the Lord is my strength’ that God loves me and he would not withhold any good from me and that alone gives me just enough of what I need to keep going another further.
God never promised that things would be easy but I know that God is faithful and as alone as the enemy wants me to believe that I am I know that I am not. As I read and meditate on God’s Holy Word I find evidence of it through out the scriptures. I know that he has a plan for my life. Even when I decide that there is a temptation so great that I am not able to overcome it, He still does not let it come to pass. That alone tells me that His will for my life is too important for Him to allow me to mess it up over something that will not even benefit me in the long run. Yes, it may satisfy a need right now but it will only hinder what God has for me in the future.
So I have decided to fight on another day. To keep trusting and believing that he will come through. I may not see it now but it shall come to pass. I hold on to that and I am able to go on.
Lord, I will free myself from some of these engagements, events and appointments and get busy for you. I realize that as I squeeze all of these other things in I am slowly squeezing you out. I will no longer need to have all of this to distract me from my current state of singleness. I will allow you to use me in the valley for it is in the valley I grow. I will pray that the Holy Spirit guides me as I attempt to do your will.
Lord you know my heart and you know that my utmost goal is to please you. Dear God , I desire to have the relationship that you desire for me to have but if that is not your will for me right now-take those desires away from me. Help me to be happy with you alone. I know you love me Lord, I believe that you have something great for me-just not right now. But until then Lord give me the strength to continue to hold on to what I know is right. And finally, Lord, anything, any person that hinders me, I ask that you would move it right now in Jesus name. I give it to you Lord, freely and completely.