Sticky fingered dd...

[gamommyto4girls]

I'm at a bit of a loss here ladies. My 6yo has always been my strongest-willed child. I constantly struggle to address her behavior because my nature is to be pretty merciful- a bit too merciful with this particular child. Lately she's developed a couple of pretty bad habits. We've caught her taking things several times and she often lies about what she takes. She often struggles with respect and obedience in general about matters small and large.

Well today I went to my file cabinet to file some of the girls' schoolwork. I found it locked and the keys were missing...grrrr. Now I've caught her playing with the cabinet a couple of times and asked her not to. I always keep the keys on top and I NEVER lock it. Right away I knew who the probable culprit was, so I went and asked her about it. She finally admitted that she had locked it, taken the keys, and cannot remember where she put them!!! I was in the cabinet on Friday, so this can't have happened that long ago. After almost an hour of searching with her and enlisting the help of the rest of the family we have given up for tonight. I suppose we'll break into it if all else fails but it's a nice cherry cabinet so I hate to damage it. The larger issue anyway is her continuing lack of obedience and her dishonesty about it.

I'm wondering how you ladies would handle such a situation. For tonight she's been sent to bed early (7pm). I honestly wanted to calm down and think for a bit. Dh will support whatever I decide but leaves most of this up to me.

We've used time outs ad-nauseum, removed privliges, institued extra chores, and spanked once in a while, put soap in her mouth for disrespect, and talked and shared scripture lots. Nothing we've tried has been truly very effective at promoting a general and lasting change in attitude and behavior. I honestly think that we're pretty consistent in our rules and parenting, have reasonable expectations of her, and are good at catching her in her good moments and providing positive reinforcement.

We're also a bit spoiled as her two older sisters are just pretty obedient kids. We've never encountered any real issues with them. A stern waring always sufficed, even when they were younger. Help!

[gamommyto4girls]

Anyone?!?
Dh and I discussed early this morning possibly scaling back her upcoming birthday party plans. We'd still do our typical family celebration with cake, ice cream, and dinner at the place of her choice, but skip the usual 'extravanganza' for her friends. No firm plans for it had been made yet, but we'd begun to discuss options with her. Is this too harsh?!? We're really looking for something that will make a lasting impression here.
BTW she woke up this morning in great spirits, completely unconcerned about locating the taken item!!! I politely reminded her that she'd spend a couple of blocks of time searching this morning. Nothing yet, but she hasn't looked very hard at all. She's aware that her dad and I are still thinking about how best to handle this.

[justmeNmine]

Hmmm, I have caught my 4.5 yo taking a couple different things from school (cars, a bell, little hearts). Besides talking about stealing as a child and what happens if adults steal, having him return the items and apologize as well as taking a corresponding item from him (with the cars, I took away his cars for the weekend) the behavior has ceased. I am not sure what to do about your older daughter's attitude regarding the situation. Maybe a serious talk about how sticky-fingered children become adult thieves ( not that it is likely, but my son related to that lesson, kwim?) I hesitate on the birthday party idea only because it seems unrelated to the offense of taking the keys, however, it may be enough for her to "get it." I have had a couple situations where something my son did resulted in me needing to buy a replacement; I made sure he understood that we could not get ice cream as planned because I needed the money to replace XYZ or even simpler, he could not have a quarter for the candy machine at the grocery stoee because I needed to buy a new light bulb to replace the one he broke, etc. If the cabinet ends up having to be broken into, maybe scaling back the cost of her party, with the understanding that it is because the cabinet needs replacing/fixing would work? The only other thing I can think of is to search your local library for children's stories about honesty, stealing, etc; books like this seem to have had an impact on my son. HTH, wish I had more.

[PianoMama]

Have you considered 'extra jobs'? When I lived at home (I'm the oldest of 4), we had our daily responsibilities around the house: laundry, cleaning bathrooms, dishes, vacuuming, etc, etc. BUT, my mom always kept a little Tupperware container of 'extra jobs' that included things like dusting the baseboards, cleaning windows, reorganizing the junk drawer, cleaning the refridgerator. Each time we did something unacceptable, an extra job was one of our disciplines. We HATED it!!!

[JeanineAnne]

I'm not sure. Repeated bad behavior has resulted in a firm and swift consequence with NO MERCY in our house. All of my kids have at one point in time or another had a problem with something (my third being the one we've had to use this the most with ).

Once something becomes habit and we've done all we can, we have a discussion with said child about the habit/issue. Clearly explain to them that whenever the said habit/issue happens again the consequence will always be ****** (whatever we had decided) and that regardless of where we are, the consequence will happen (like if behavior happens at church, consequence doesn't wait until we get home). Then it moves to no mercy. I don't care why they did it, they get the consequence.

We've never had an incident, expect one, this didn't work with. With that incident, after a couple weeks, we up'd the consequence. That took care of that issue about two weeks after the new set of consequences.

I will add though that grace-based parenting isn't our thing. We are pretty ridged with our children, so this works for us.

[gamommyto4girls]

Wow, thanks ladies for your thoughts!
After some more discussion dh and I have decided to scale back her party explaining that we have to cut back on costs in order to replace the things she's ruined lately. We need to fix the filing cabinet (dh will be drilling out the lock and replacing with a different mechanism) and she only just today got white-out from my desk drawer and spilled it on the sofa, mind you she's been told repeatedly not to go into mom's desk. She was extremely upset, but I think she got the message. We'll be having only cake and ice cream at home and will invite our extended family members.
I like the idea of extra chores also and will have to give it a try. It sure would help me get some of my 'extras' done too. Jeanine, I think you hit the nail on the head! That's our biggest problem really. Grace based parenting really is more in my true nature and it was drilled into both dh and I even further when we went to college for teaching. With my older two girls it works well enough, but this one needs a firmer hand.

Again, thanks for your help and suggestions everyone!

[PianoMama]

Keep us updated as to how things progress! I know I will need much help and support as my ds gets older....*help me, Lord*

[moviebuff]

My oldest would take things from the store when she was around 4 and 5. I would march her right back in there and she would have to return and apoligize. After a few times she was so embarrased she stopped doing it.

Your daughter sounds just like my 8 year old daughter.
We go through alot of the same things.
I am just guessing here but... Its the personality. She is obviously one who learns by touching and doing. She is probably very extraverted, too. My husband was the same as a child.
My only suggestion is to set the boundries and be consistant. They have to learn to be obedient before they can be leaders. And she may have that leadership in her which is why she does what she wants.
I will post more info, I have to clean my kitchen before my clean freak hubby has a cow!

Hope I did not lose you on my fast talking Im in a hurry!

[moviebuff]

I just wanted to add:

have you looked at the Creative Correction by Lisa Whelchel from Facts of Life tv show? I really liked alot of what she does. She makes me laugh at her suggestions. I need to reread that book.

I have no real help for you. Just know that someone else is in the same boat. This is the reason I am going to start homeschooling. My daughter is this way at school also, and she is failing. She is always into something else. Some dr.s would say its add or whatever. But I say its her personality and will not allow her to be labled like that. I just have to keep her busy doing things she likes, and she does get bored so easy. She loves to cook, and some cleaning chores, and lots of art, and lots of going places. She has her own fish tank to care for and plants. Those things will occupy her for a bit each day, so they will keep her out of trouble. But I cant leave her alone or she is into something she should not be into. I cant get her to play with toys unless they are games. She loves games. Finding a hobby or hobbies really helps. Something she can put her energy into.
I cant let her go to someone elses house with out having constant supervision. She is into everything (like being nosey) and wants to explore every room, cabinet, whatever. She use to have to visit every bathroom in every store and restaraunt, just to see what it looked like and smell the soap.

Got to go again!

I hope this helps in some way. I just figure I have to learn to deal with her with out dampening her spirit or confidence.

I think Im rambling. I have had no adult interaction today!