Need some help with ds

[jen1981]

For all you experienced moms, HELP! Okay, I love my ds and for the most part he is a great kid. He turned 6 the end of November and he has devloped an "attitude" that I'm not sure how to deal with it. If I discipline him or correct him he is not sorry and/ or tries to agrue or explain away his behaviour. I'm not sure how to deal with this. I've spanked, talked, taken away priveleges, made him say sorry, etc. and I'm baffled as to what to do next. He isn't out right defiant, but that shrug and eyeroll thing. So I'm looking for some outside advice. I'm a SAHM and we homeschool so I'm here to see what is going on, but I don't think he is giving me the respect he needs too. I'm open for ideas. I don't scream or shout at the kids, so I need to command respect in a firm, in control manner.

[justmeNmine]

I wonder if having a heart to heart talk during a peaceful time will help. My son is only 4.5 but has started learning some new things, trying out the eye rolling, as well as huffing and even growling. I tell him very firmly that he is to treat me with respect, speak to me, and yes, even look at me properly. If he continues, I usually send him away and tell him to fix his attitude and the look on his face and when he has done that we can try again. I have had to really talk out with him a couple of issues including respect, what it means, why it is important, etc and also what it means to make someone feel embarassed (as he had done to me once at his school). Anyhow, I hope that helps; with these little boys we have I think it is SO important to instill a strong sense of respect for women, starting with mothers (and sisters) of course I don't always have "big" conversations with my child, but in this area, I think that is the only way that he has "got it." Also, I have been keeping a closer eye when he watches a show on tv- even some of the "nice" shows have characters that act disresepctfully toward the parents; they may by the end of the episode "fix" it, but if all my son picks up on is the huffing and puffing at being told what to do, well, I am rambling, but I think in my case, it is better if I sit with him and watch the shows so we can talk about what's going on. One last thought, there is a series of books about behaving that may or may not be helpful; I can't think of the name of them but they are each titled a book about... lying, respect, etc... HTH!!

[kanaclark]

Leslie has said it before, and with boys, it's so true. When he's misbehaving, you need him to do something, anything, look him in the eyes. When you have eyes locked, tell him, "Son, we do not allow that in this house, and you are NOT expected to have an attitude. If it happens again, x-discipline, will happen.". That's what it took with our 7 year old.

[~Tara~]

He's at 'that age'...'this too shall pass'

But, yeah, get his attention..sit down, eye to eye..direct, full attention and let him know this behavior (and state the behavior so there is no question in what you mean) is NOT allowed. That he has a sinful attitude. Remember..the behavior seen is a reflection of the attitude of the heart. You have to address the heart to get a change in the behavior. And that *can* take time. But as with any other aspect of parenting/discipline/training...consistency is key.

As Kana said above...I believe quoting Miss Leslie..."X is not allowed. If you do X, Y will happen. Period." that kind of thing.

It's a rough stage..more so with some than others.
I'm dealing with round 2 of this with my 8 yr old. Ugh! I know we'll get through it...have before..with this child and another. But oh boy, it's still a trying time.

I look to Miss Leslie for advice here..she's been through it 4 times already..boys!

[JRBL]

With *my* oldest, her big soft spot is, "When you *this* thing is really disappoints us, because we know that you are such a sweet little girl (which she is), and this is NOT you doing this..." She does NOT like to disappoint or make anyONE sad, so pointing out the obvious, that her ill-behavior "hurts" other people, maybe not physically but emotionally makes a HUGE dent with her. I don't know if your son is like that at all, but for our Emma... whew buddy... making her understand that she hurts our feelings, not just breaks our rule, is huge.

[luvmy4sons]

Well, miss Leslie here, but I am no expert. Each child is different and each parent is different. I like all that everyone has said so far. For me the key is training before there is a moment of confrontation. I spent (and still spend) a lot of time reading to my sons every day stories that are based around a truth in scripture with examples of how young boys learned that truth in one way or another. We used to go over the 21 Rules of This House when they were little every morning. When they began doing something that they shouldn't I would quote just the first part of a rule and let them finish the last part. They knew immediatley what I spoke of because we drilled the rules with them every day. It was hidden in their heart.

I agree that in a calm moment, look him straight into his eyes and explain about the chain of command. You obey God. God has put you in authority over him and he must obey you. It is your job to see to it that He does. That is the job given you by God. You must obey God too. He must obey you. When he is obedient he stays in a circle of protection, when he is disobedient he breaks that circle. Disobedience always brings pain. A good character building story to illustrate that is great after your talk. I LOVE the Millers series of books. We read Wisdom with the Millers every day for years and years over and over.

My boys were able to say a phrase from the time they could talk. I would ask, " How do we obey?" They would say, " Right away, all the way and in a happy way." When they got older and would try this stuff you speak of I would look them right in the eye with a firm look and clamly ask, "How do we obey?" They never would challenge me after the look and the reminder.

It is a phase as Tara says, but it is good to help them see and learn and grow through the phase! I don't mean to imply of course that you aren't already doing a lot of the things I have mentioned. But these are the things that I did(and still do sometimes LOL ) with my four boys! Prayers and hugs. Do not weary in well doing sister for you shall reap a harvest in due season if you faint not!"

[kymommy]

I agree with all the advice here. Is Dad involved with the discipline? Sometimes when I am home with my girls all day, they tend to not take me seriously. But a firm correction from Dad sometimes carries more weight. I know it "shouldn't", but my husband's correction has always been taken more seriously.
I don't suggest saving discipline for dad (none of the "wait until your Father get's home" stuff) But when Dad is home, if he could get involved with the discipline it might help.

[~Tara~]

piggy backing on kymommy's post here...
I also am not a fan of 'wait til your dad gets home' ... however...
if mom has dealt with things to the best of her ability during the day, let it be known that dad will also hear of this repeated behavior and he will deal with it accordingly...

so that it's not a 'when dad gets home you're gonna get it' kind of thing...but rather a 'look, dad and I work together here and you're not getting the message clearly enough from me, apparently, so, dad is coming in to back me up and be sure you get the message' just that reinforcement
and very true...not to say that dad's word should carry more weight, but, the fact is..in most cases, it does..and very much so with boys...and very much so at this age with boys

[jen1981]

Thank you all so much for your love and advice. I have talked with him about the "line of command" that Leslie mentioned, but it was in connection with getting in trouble and I think I need to reinforce ti sometime when he isn't actually doing anything. Dad is involved, but he has his own business, and recently has been working some pretty long hours. We definately work together, but I don't want this to come from him, necessarily. I need to get respect from him by myself otherwise I feel that it is just "because dad said so." There are some good things in here that I will do and it really helps to know that I'm not a failure and all boys try this. He is a great kid and I want to keep him that way. I think bringing home the point that his attitude is sin, not just his actions or words will help a lot and I need to come up with some specific consequences so I am prepared when this comes up. If anyone has some more advice I would love to hear it. I really feel like he is getting too old for spankings, and I would like to hear some of your consequences. I do spank and have recently for lying, but in general I would prefer something else for his age.

[kymommy]

I love Lisa Whelchel's book Creative Correction. It had tons of consequence ideas and lots of scriptures references to reinforce the discipline. Everything I tried from her book worked.