In Laws or Not

[Jodilynnk]

So, I am not a frequent "poster", but I needed some sound advice from other moms to set me straight.
We are due with our third in about a month- give or take- hopefully sooner than later
My mother-in-law, whom lives on the other side of the country and we typically only see once a year on average, wants to come right after the baby is born to visit, and help. To some this may sound wonderful and like such a blessing, but I barely know her due to the fact that she isn't around- and my sister in law- and in ways would feel more like I had to entertain rather than have help. I just know how draining it is to have a new one around those first few weeks and don't know that I feel like having non-stop company.
The rest of our family is in town and will be helping out with our two boys when the baby arrives and I feel more than comfortable with this, becuase I am so used to them being around, and can just relax.
So, I want to know how to handle this situation. I don't want to say "No, you for sure can't come," but at the same time I want to protect myself and my family during this crazy time. Any advice is welcome, even if you think I am being irrational, I just need an outsider's advice.
My husband is backing my feelings 100% which is wonderful, we just don't have a conclusive desicion yet.
Thanks moms!

[Jodilynnk]

Your reply made me laugh- I should be so matter of fact about it! I guess another part of the issue is that I don't want them to feel that they can pop in and out of our lives at convenient "fun" times for them- it is confusing to our boys and so up and down that it is often confusing to me!
Sorry to hear about your family situation. I think the more I talk about such things the more I realize my family is "normal" and not to crazy!

[Jodilynnk]

My boys are 2 1/2 and 18mth. This baby will be about 20mths younger than my middle. So, Lord knows, we could use the help, but just don't know if I feel comfortable with where the help is coming from???
I do see a slightly higher interest since the kids have been born, in visiting I mean, I just don't understand how you can WANT or CHOOSE to live so far from your children- she moved away when my husband was in elementary school.
I think if there is going to be a change for you, it woudl happen right away- when the baby is born I mean- I think you will know pretty soon after. How many weeks are you? do you know what you are having yet?

Hey there... I know exactly how you feel in a lot of ways! Our FIL are trouble makers and have been very hurtful to me since we got married.

I Believe you need to state to them what is best for YOU and your kids - you all come first before their feelings and if they choose to take your needs and the need to express them the wrong way then that is their choice.

When a baby is on the way or you have kids (I am having my 3rd too) they are always a touchy subject with family because everyone wants you to do everything their way and it may not be your way and I know myself I would find it maddeing to have my MIL in the house for a long stretch ordering me around and critiscising me (she does that enough as it is).

We were kind of in the same boat actually because I have a dear friend in the US who, when she heard I was haivng another baby wanted to come visit and stay with me RIGHT when the baby was due. I wrote her about 3 letters which I tore up and re-wrote and in the end I said to her "I don't know how I will be after the birth, I don't know what kind of baby I will be having, I won't cope with entertaining and I would hate for you to spend all this money to come out to Australia and have a boring time, or be disappointed because I will not be able to get out and about"
She suggested she could help me, which would be one thing if she was single but she is married and I don't know her DH - and I don't think i twould be fair on him. I mean nice as it sounds you don't fly half way around the world to baby sit y'know?

They don't have children so I felt unrealistic expectations would be put on me to run them around and drag all the kids out and I just couldn't give that.

My DH wanted to buy a sofa bed for his parents to sleep on when they are in town and I most emphatically said NO, it is encouraging them to stay over and it is too much on me with (nearly) 3 kids - you know?
They also wanted to have Christmas here this year and I flat out said no it's too much for me.

Just put yourself and your needs first and odn't worry about how other people might feel. I generally find with grandparents - they love the grandkids but it is usually in the sense of they just want to see and do what they want with them and tend to be blind to the parents needs and feelings. (Not sure if you know what I mean there)

We have a LOT of trouble with in-laws so I know where you are coming from.

xox Aussie MUm

[stephwhiz]

I have a nephew who lives far away from us and he and his wife requested that no one come in who lives out of town for atleast a couple of weeks after their baby was born. Everyone in our family was fine with that and honored their wishes. Out of respect for their privacy, we all offered to stay at hotel (a couple of miles from them) and visited during the day. It worked out great and while my family spent lots of time with them, we still honored their privacy. I don't think it is too much to ask them to stay at a hotel because you need to rest after the baby comes and if they are there you will feel obligated to entertain them. Good luck! Stephanie

[mom n luv]

Just as some encouragement Cyrstal.
Before my DS my parents didn't visit too often, I felt like I generally did almost all of the traveling. Anyway. My ds is 15 months I will see my mother in December, March, April, May, June, and August, and probably one other time in 2006.

In regards to the overnight visitors With my ds we had no overnight visitors for the first 2 weeks. My parents then came and I didn't entertain at all. I did what I needed to do and they sort of had to fend for themselves. I also told my husband that we were not going to have any overnight visitors with young children for at least 1-2months. I felt that that would be overwhelming.

This time around overnight visitors might happen to help take care of ds, but actually ds will go to the farm with MIL for a while as well. He likes it there.

I agree that suggesting a hotel that #1 and #2 can go to off and on might be a great idea to give you some time with #3. Also during this season of your life it is okay to say what you need when you need it. Let your mother bear instincts come out and guide you. The feelings of others come after the needs of you little ones.

I hope all goes well.

[Jodilynnk]

These are all such wonderful insights. It is good to know that I am "normal" in feeling this way. I mean, deep down you know the most important thing is taking care of you and your family, I just struggle with pleasing- I also don't want to push away.
I guess all we can do is make our concerns clear and go from there- I'll keep you posted!
The other good/bad side is that my mother in law's parents and brother live in town- so they do have other places to stay. I feel like that might be an out for them to just say they will come and stay with them. Which is fine, I guess, I would then just feel even worse telling them, sorry, I know you traveled across country, but we need our family time! Not to mention the fact that our two older kids will probably need some time to adjust to the new baby and new family life.
Thanks all!

[tracy]

First let me say yay to dh for his support!

Since you have family in town willing to help with the boys, maybe see if they could wait a few weeks (3-4). Tell them you need family time and time to adjust. This way you can relax & enjoy the 1st mo and you're not pushing them away.

[breezykc]

put your and your family needs first....! Don't feel bad to tell her to stay with a relative so you have some down time and to spend the days with you or what have you.....
Just think of your hubby too, if he's as close to his parents as you are to yours, than make the sacrafice, you'ed want the same rights....if the relationship isn't the same or isnt' there....than have HIM tell her what is decided because it needs to come from her child and not the in-law....trust me, delt with this stuff before! Good luck