Need parenting advice

[LovinMommyLife]

Ashlyn is doing very well with adjusting to a baby in the house (most days) but we have our moments. Most people tell me that she is a drama queen and extremely active, but after living with us for 2 weeks, Mom says she acts exactly like all of her kids acted at that age. I don't expect her to be the perfect poster child, but I do think its time to start working on some behaviors and I need advice... If only she came with a manual!!
If she doesn't get what she wants, she runs to the bedroom crying and throwing a fit. Do I spank her? Do I ignore her? (which is what I've been doing and when she comes back and asks again, I say no again and tell her to stop the attitudes... and we start all over most times) It just seems like ignoring her is just not working. She HATES to sit on my lap so I do that occasionally which usually just makes her yell louder.
Today she snuck outside after I told her she couldn't go out. I had NO idea she could open the door so it was a good lesson for me! She's never done that before. All of the sudden she had disappeared. NOT good Thankfully she pretty much knows her boundaries outside (although I don't trust her alone out there for a second!) but still not ok! She got REALLY mad when I hauled her back inside, but that's just NOT ok!
She hits her sister all.the.time.! It started out innocent I think... She wasn't trying to hurt her, but if she smacked her tummy, it made Kiera jump and she thought it was funny. (Mom said its just like pushing the button that makes the toy move) so we've been working on that, but if I smack her hand she just smiles and pats the baby's face and says sorry... and 2 minutes later we start all over. I am 90% sure this is a jealousy issue... mommy or daddy is on the floor with baby and Ashlyn's not loving that someone else is getting the attention. Although now that I think about it, she's almost more likely to do it when we're not around (or at least she *thinks* I can't see her) so I dunno.
And that brings me to another issue... why do I feel so guilty for not having the time to spend one-on-one time with Ashlyn like I use to? I knew this was coming, but I feel so bad everytime I have to say "Not right now honey". Am I a horrible Mom for not finding more time to spend with her? I mean, I do have a certain amount of work that needs to be done. My family needs food and clothes, ya know? But I just hate it! I feel like I'm breaking her little heart everytime
So yeah, any and all parenting advice... any great books I can read? Any great tips?

[Margi]

Esther has some GREAT advice! We, too, spank but only when necessary. And as Es said, some kids never need it, some need it more... every child is an individual with individual needs. Sawyer is just totally testing my limits now, sounds very much like Ashlyn! And I'm learning that he needs TOTAL consistency or he goes off-kilter. If I've started working with him on an issue (e.g. "come") I HAVE to stick with that one until it gets through. Even though I'm huge & preggo and would rather just leave him... it's so much worse if I don't follow through each time.

I just read an article in a Parents Canada magazine entitle "Stop Yelling & Start Playing". And it gave a list of suggestions of 10-minute play ideas to do with your child. Set the timer if you have to, but set aside 10 whole minutes when they get your undivided attention. I've seen it over and over with Sawyer... when he gets really clingy and whiny, if I just sit down with him and do a puzzle, read a book, etc... by the time I'm done he's off playing happily by himself! Hope that helps!

[plaid]

I was really struggling a few months ago with our little two year old. It felt like since the baby came I was not getting the same time with him. I set aside just before nap and bed time to make sure he gets time. We snuggle and read stories together those two times a day. I try to include him in baby things and homeschool and cleaning, but life gets busy. I like knowing he is not getting run over in the busyness. It seems to have made our house calmer.

[GenLovesDen4ever]

I agree that very naughty behaviour needs to be nipped in the bud with persistant and patient discipline, however you see the need to discipline your child. You just got to find what works and then be persistant about it. Unfortuntely I do think a mum has to balance that with unconditional one on one time. Im not sure if thats always possible but I think its more about giving them a moment to be just themselves with you, free from judgement. Im finding this with my older ones. There are times when it feels like ALL you are doing is disciplining them, *I* believe they need some chill time. With little ones sometimes thats just some fun time, reading time, bath time, having them help with the dishes (as best they can) time, a fun folding the laundry game. We kinda gotta juggle and balance discipline with love and fun even, but mostly love and understanding, compassion, knowing they are little ones who dont know how to conduct themselves in the world.

About hitting little baby, thats a big no no I think and probably the most important thing to sort out right now. Sometimes, I found with mine, spanking only made me look like the monster to them. But firmly declaring that it is NOT ok to hit the baby, getting nose to nose, not shouty but firmly stating that she is never allowed to hit the baby again. EVERY single time she hits the baby I would, from then on, be disciplining her. If you spank, she needs to get a swat. *I* would probably use an isolation sort of approach. If you hit the baby you cant be around the baby (unsupervised) until you decide not to hit the baby. Or something like that.

gotta go now...

[Jeff's Turtle]

I have to do a quick post then have to get going. My son has a game in an hour and gotta get ready still. I just had to respond because I have been in your shoes....actually I am in your shoes. I have a 2yr old and an infant. It's tough especially when the baby needs you for everything and a lot more often then your tot. I went through the same thing when the baby was born. I felt guilty about not being able to spend enough time with my dd (my 2yr old). From one mom in the same shoes as another. Let the guilt go. Seriously. You are doing a great job and the best that you can. I think once you let the guilt go then you will be able to follow the advice that has been given to you and even your own instict. You have to remember that baby or no baby Ashlynn acting out is not acceptable behavior. Even as grown ups the Lord allows situation to happen in our lives to test us or even tempt us. God's word says that NO temptation has seized us except what is common to man and God is faithful to help us out (paraphrasing a little). Maybe the baby is tempting her to behave badly but that still does not give her the right to act unbecomingly. I think you already know this. I know myself sometimes even needs reminding.
After you let go of the guilt, Ashlynn needs some serious boundries put up by mom and dad. She needs to know what is acceptable behavior and what is not. She needs to be told once. If she doesn't "remember" then she needs mom and dad to step in and start discipline. I agree with Ester. We spank in our house too. We do not use our hands. We use a spoon. We started with my son around 2.5yrs and our dd is almost 2.5yrs and we just started spanking. We give one warning then either spank or time out. Each child is different and each situation is different. So go with your instict but I would highly encourage discipline. Especially behaviors that you have already warned her about you should have started yesterday IMO. It's ok it's never too late. We normally give a spank then a time out for the behavior because that's what works with our kids. Like Ester we don't have to spank that often because our kids know our boundries.
We just have friends issues here. lol Hope things turn around soon. HUGS

[buttercup_97140]

Yes, you do need to discipline for fits or they will grow and turn into something even worse. The Lord is very specific about the rod and as it says in the Psalms, "Your staff and rod, they comfort me", it is a good thing! It shows to our kids that we have a desire to teach them self control and obedience first to us, and then to the Lord. Doing that is loving your child/children.
We spank, but a lot like Esther. We usually go into another room. Now younger ones need to be disciplined right away because they cannot remember the sin by the time you make it to another room, and you need to judge what age that is for yourself. The twins are 19 months and they have been getting rod spanks in my room for about a month now. They still mostly get butt swats, and hand slaps, but if they continue with behavior that has been butt swatted first and their will gets the best of them, then we will escalate to a rod spank in my room.
I do not agree that spanking for hitting shows them that hitting is ok if you do it in a loving very mindful manner. I do not go up to my kids, whack them on the butt with anything hard and then walk away. Yes that would imply the same type of attitude, but when you choose to spank with self control, with love in your heart, when you explain (even the twins get an explanation, not long, but they are smart enough to understand at this age) and then after you love on them and show them they are forgiven, it's different. I would especially be mindful of disciplining when you notice she is hitting when she knows you are gone, or thinks you are out of the room. That is just plain sinful motives and even if it comes from jealousy, it's not ok. We need to teach our kids that jealousy is sinful and a selfish feeling. Even at Ashlyn's age. I would explain that even though you are not in the room, she still needs to obey and remind her that God sees all we do.
As for the one on one time, you need to really give that guilt up to the Lord. He did not make a mistake giving you another child, and He knew the time you would have to give the new baby. I was telling a friend that I really believe the Lord makes first children with a special shield around them. We make most of our real mistakes with them, and they are the only ones who ever are alone with their parents without "competition." The Lord knows and knew that Ashlyn would be the first, He knows that she would be strong enough to handle that role.
I have four kids, and I get time with them all, but it's usually in 1 or 2 min increments. They know I love them, they know I am here if they need love and cuddles. They are pretty well adjusted kids, sinful of course, but they aren't broken because we don't giv them all special one on one time everyday or even every week. We try to do something special with Em because she is older and a bit more sensitive than the other kids, but it doesn't happen often.
We are pretty laid back and just try to enjoy each other, and not put social pressures on ourselves. I play when I can, I love when I can, I discipline when needed (which is often when they are young and trying their will out), but kids don't thrive on x amount of time being played with, they thrive when you raise them with love and mercy and consistency.
Your daughter is also learning from you how to be a mother, how to handle changes in life, how to seek the Lord when things are hard and we are tired. You are there with her I assume each day, you may not be playing candyland with her right now, but having you there, watching you glorify the Lord in all you, seeking His will, and following His commands joyfully will teach her so much about who the Lord wants her to be.

I pray that the Lord blesses you with the wisdom you need to handle these issues, and that you have peace during this time. Ashlyn will be just fine, this is the family the Lord made her for, always remember that!

Blessings,
Amber

[jen1981]

Ditto to everything Amber said. Thanks, Amber!

[meg]

When mine were little, we basically used the approach that Gen suggested - firm voice, eye to eye. I think Gen's idea of "if you hit baby, you can't be with baby" is a good one.

We used smacking (spanking) very, very rarely. A light swat, with our hand. By very rarely, I mean probably less than 3 times over a few years. We certainly haven't needed to use that sort of discipline for quite a while (our boys are 11 and 13).

Now, I must admit (and please note, this is just my personal opinion and experience!), I never, ever felt like smacking was a good choice for us and for our children. Neither did dh. We've always felt that (once again, for us and for our children) that loss of privileges, time outs, talking to them etc worked much, much better. Using anything other than your open hand to discipline is actually illegal in Australia, so please keep in mind that I'm coming from a different mind set/culture with this .

And no, we don't have wild, undisciplined children because we didn't smack/spank a lot. Thankfully, praise God, our boys are polite, obedient, and eager to please us. They have been taught that God requires them to obey and respect their parents, and we are mindful that we are not to exasperate them. It works for us .

As for one on one time, it can be tricky, but it's so worth it even if you can only find a few minutes! As we all know, little people thrive on one on one time with mum or dad, especially during times of change .

[Premommy]

Just wanted to throw in there, too, that the times you are not able to immediately attend to Ashlyn's needs actually can instill some GOOD, Godly character traits in her-- patience, selflessness, thinking of others before herself, etc. And also she will learn to entertain herself sometimes, which is an excellent trait to have. I have a cousin that is a single child, and he cannot play alone unless he is on an electronic device, which (among other things) has left him with no social skills, and a family that feels drained any time they're around him because he demands so much attention. I'd say Ashlyn is blessed to have a sibling who will prevent her from becoming that way! Blessings and wisdom to you as you decide when to discipline and how to best divide your time.