Finding your worth in your children

[Premommy]

This is something that's been bothering me for awhile, and I wanted to throw it out there to gain some wisdom-from-experience viewpoints and thoughts.

A pregnant friend of mine was talking about whether she wanted a boy or a girl, and she said she wanted a girl, until someone told her how attached to their mom boys are, so then she wanted a boy. I also recently saw it commented, "It is such an awesome feeling to have that little person need you, love you and look to you for everything."

While I know those feelings are normal, I couldn't help but think how selfish those reasonings were. Do people only decide to have children to meet their own emotional needs? Is it healthy to gain your emotional needs from your children (or other's children, for those of us without)? Should your emotional wholeness and satisfaction with yourself be tied up in children's feelings toward you?

I've worked with children for a long time, and something I've seen in myself, and especially in other girls that work with kids, is a feeling of self worth based on how children react toward you. I see the girls acting like a child is "so attached to them," I've seen a grandma literally make a 1 year old cry before she left so he appeared more attached to her (at least that was the goal as far as I could tell...), and I see people doing just about anything to gain a child or baby's favor.

Do you think there's anything wrong with this? Do you try to avoid gaining self worth through children, and if so, how? What would God think about it? Has anyone else noticed this? lol

[rachel]

As part of one of my infertility journaling efforts I listed the reasons I wanted a child. It was a really looong list, and some of the reasons were certainly about me. And in my position I do tend to notice the extreme statements too, but meh, I try not to be too hard on them or myself. I know Christ is all I need.

I guess about anything can take away from finding our identity in Christ. Money (success), spouse and children are probably the biggest 3 competitors..? It's a really BIG deal when someone really makes knowing Christ their #1 priority!

[MommytoM&M]

I do think it is dangerous to put too much of our self-worth in how our children feel toward us, but at the same time, the thought of having a broken relationship with my children, especially once they are adults, is a heart-breaking thought to me. I do care a LOT about how my children feel about me, but more in that I want them to know without a doubt my love and affection for them, not so much that I need to know their love and affection for me.

[RhysMom]

Personally I think it is silly to have children to fulfill some emotional void because children take a great deal more than they give!

I love my children dearly and really they are good kids but as normal children they are going through different phases of maturity that take a great deal of patience, love and prayer in order for us to all get through. Yes, my children snuggle with me on the couch and tell me how much they love me but this does not even begin to touch the amount of time that I spend raising them to be responsible adults. For every minute they tell me they love me and show me outward affection there are many more times where I am reminding them to bring their dirty clothes to the laundry room or put their bikes away when they come inside from playing, brush their teeth, wash their hands, FLUSH THE TOILET!

I can honestly say that to some extent my self worth is wrapped in my children but not in the everyday moments like whether or not they cry when I leave them in the nursery at Church. My self worth is tied to how my children develop into adults; loving Christians, productive members of society and moms and dads themselves. I am sure if my children were to have some extreme struggles as adults I would put some blame on myself and to me that is only natural.

The Bible speaks to raising children and the importance of being good parents. I think it is very clear that God is concerned with the relationships between parents and their children. HE is the ultimate parent and gave the ultimate sacrifice for HIS children.

Sara

[Madre]

I think that you find a part of your identity in being a mom. However, when children grow up and go on, there can be a struggle as to "Who am I now?" After all, you did raise them to be productive, mature and independent and you are still Mom. But they are no longer in your home, dependent on you. Realigning yourself to the new identity of "mom of grown-ups" takes time. The good news is you are still you, a child of God, no matter how transient other "identities" are.

[ChamomileFriend]

If you are really ready to be a parent you have to be ready to be pretty selfless, to give without expecting in return for years on end, but of course we hope that our kids love us back. Wanting to be loved by your children doesn't necessarily mean you will be a selfish parent, just like wanting to be married to someone who loves you doesn't make you a bad or selfish wife. Your spouse not loving you anymore is not a Biblical reason to divorce, but marriage is certainly much happier when both parties love each other, when we try to love each other they way God loves us and that is true with our children also, even if our relationship with them is very different (sorry for the run-on sentence). When our children show us love or show love to others, it also means that we are successfully teaching them about God's love, which is important (the fact that it also feels amazing certainly is an added blessing, but I think God wants us to be able to enjoy the love that comes from family and fellowship) .
I think the danger of selfishness comes if a parent expects their children to idolize them (replacing God with themselves in the child's life) or even for their kids to imitate them in every aspect, when God may have different very plans for their children's lives. There are other dangers, too, that you mentioned, like the woman making a child cry to make herself look more important - in that case she was loving herself, her image more than the child and that is not ok bec she obviously emotionally hurt or scared the child to accomplish this end. That is not modeling God's love for us. Hopefully she realized her error and would not do that again, as none of us are perfect mothers and will probably not be perfect grandmothers either.

When your children are young, your self worth is tied to your children to a certain extent bec when they do well in different situations (or do not do so well) you see it as feedback on how good a job you are doing in raising them or how you need to change tactics to help them grow. You look to their behavior to see if they are learning the things you are trying to teach them, the things you know they will need to be successful Christian adults.

I think God knows this and as long as we seek him and teach our children to seek him that is ok - I am thinking of 1 Corinthians 7:34 (which is more about husbands, but still acknowledges the spiritual differences before and after we marry) and Titus 2.

[teelee]

Originally Posted by RhysMom

Personally I think it is silly to have children to fulfill some emotional void because children take a great deal more than they give!

I love my children dearly and really they are good kids but as normal children they are going through different phases of maturity that take a great deal of patience, love and prayer in order for us to all get through. Yes, my children snuggle with me on the couch and tell me how much they love me but this does not even begin to touch the amount of time that I spend raising them to be responsible adults. For every minute they tell me they love me and show me outward affection there are many more times where I am reminding them to bring their dirty clothes to the laundry room or put their bikes away when they come inside from playing, brush their teeth, wash their hands, FLUSH THE TOILET!

I can honestly say that to some extent my self worth is wrapped in my children but not in the everyday moments like whether or not they cry when I leave them in the nursery at Church. My self worth is tied to how my children develop into adults; loving Christians, productive members of society and moms and dads themselves. I am sure if my children were to have some extreme struggles as adults I would put some blame on myself and to me that is only natural.

The Bible speaks to raising children and the importance of being good parents. I think it is very clear that God is concerned with the relationships between parents and their children. HE is the ultimate parent and gave the ultimate sacrifice for HIS children.

Sara

Beautifully said Sara.

[Rnorris4oh4]

it depends on the woman or man depending on the circumstance, ive seen women tell there kids no just to make them cry so they can cuddle them. so i understand that part kind of, i dont think i do it. as for the what the sex is, ya i was hoping for a boy my first time around but my gut told me it was a girl, i was fine either way, as long as she was healthy. and now that i may be pregnant again (testing in the morning ) i still hope for a boy, but not getting my hopes up, either way as long as the baby is healthy.
i dont know if this helps or if it is just me rambling but there it is.

[jen1981]

I think it is very wrong of a parent to make their children responsible for the emotional well-being of that parent. I've seen it in action and it is extremely destructive to the child. A parents we do (as Madre said) have an identity as a parent, but that is not the same as getting our emotional needs met by our kids. We are here to meet THEIR emotional needs, by being there for them and by pointing them to the Lord. It makes me sick how many parents I see that have a child just so they can add them to their list of "accomplishments" or "possessions". They have no care for their child other than how that little one can make them look good. As parents our last thought should be what our children can "give" us, but what we can give to them. Sure, my identity is a wife and mom, but my emotional health and well-being MUST come from my relationship with the Lord, not my relationship with any person.