Question about AP

[Springtime]

When a person says that they are fully AP is this what they mean?

Dr. Sears' Eight Ideals of Attachment Parenting
Per Dr. Sears' theory of attachment parenting (AP), proponents attempt to foster a secure bond with their child by promoting eight "ideals," which are identified as goals for parents to strive for. These eight ideals are:

Preparation for childbirth
Emotional responsiveness
Breastfeeding
Babywearing
Co-sleeping safely
Avoiding frequent and prolonged separations between parents and a baby
Positive discipline
Maintaining balance in family life
These values are interpreted in a variety of ways across the movement. Many attachment parents also choose to live a natural family living (NFL) lifestyle, such as natural childbirth, home birth, stay-at-home parenting, homeschooling, unschooling, the anti-circumcision movement, the anti-vaccination movement, natural health, cooperative movements, and support of organic food.
However, Dr. Sears does not require a parent to strictly follow any set of rules, instead encouraging parents to be creative in responding to their child's needs. Attachment parenting, outside the guise of Dr. Sears, focuses on responses that support secure attachments.

taken from
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attachment_parenting

I have never read books up on this and have always wondered what exactly people mean other then co-sleeping and baby wearing when they say AP. The above article goes on to say that AP try to understand their children and not expect more of them then they are capable of... I thought that was what all parents try to do... hmm guess I'll have to read more

Those are the PHYSICAL aspects of A/P. It goes much deepr than this.
Here's an article I posted on my A/P site:

Are you an 'Attached Parent'?
Some of you would answer that question with an emphatic "Yes!" But some of you might repeat the question to yourself and say, "I don't know - I think so - am I?" or, "I don't think so. I don't practice all of the AP ideals".

I am often contacted by confused parents like a mother who recently asked, "I no longer breastfeed my baby, I try to babywear, I like the idea of having an attached relationship and using positive discipline...is it OK to practice some of the ideals and not others? Am I still welcome among your group of attachment parents?" After talking with people like her I find myself struck by the possibility that many more parents could be disillusioned about what it fundamentally means to be an attachment parent and where they fall into the parenting philosophy spectrum. How many parents are out there wondering - "Where do I fit in"?

Attachment parenting isn't about how often we take our children on outings or how many minutes a day we spend reading to them or even whether we use a stroller or a sling, cosleeper or crib.

As far as I'm concerned you can practice most of the ideals of attachment parenting - babywearing, breastfeeding, cosleeping, limiting separations, etc. and still not be an attachment parent if you don't let yourself get emotionally attached to your baby or child. Or you can choose to practice almost none of these ideals and still be an attachment parent if you do form a genuine emotional connection.

I'm not talking about whether you love your children or how much. If you're even reading this, I'm sure you love your children. What I'm talking about is a deep mutual understanding and knowledge...about empathy. Attachment forms when we take the time to really get to know our children, from their favorite games, to their persistent fears, to their most cherished expressions of our love for them. It happens when we allow ourselves to cross over into their world, into their shoes, to feel what they feel and to respect those feelings as being every bit as important as our own. Attachment parenting isn't about how often we take our children on outings, or how many minutes a day we spend reading to them, or even whether we use a stroller or a sling, cosleeper or crib. It's about being in tune with who they are and what they need.
About placing a priority not just on their physical health, but their emotional health, and recognizing the importance that parenting has in reaching that goal.

Attachment parenting in today's western society takes something else too, faith in our ability to parent our own children and a reliance on our inner knowledge of our children to guide us in raising them. Mainstream thinking in our corner of the world has not yet evolved to embrace the importance of a solid foundation of peaceful attachment for optimal child development or to understand the damage caused to children whose emotional needs are trivialized. Parenting resources still abound with one-size-fits-all child-raising rules and fix-it-all solutions that neither respect the child nor the parent-child relationship. Who knows your child best? You do, right? This is true especially if you have a strong attached relationship. And who knows how to parent your child best? You do, of course. Not your mother-in-law, not your best friend, not your pediatrician, Dr. Phil, or the latest advice-giving expert. Every person on this planet is unique, physically and emotionally, and every child has unique needs that change as they grow. Listen to your child and to what your relationship and deep knowledge of your child tell you to do, and politely shrug off any well-meaning advice to the contrary.

De-feather all of the talk about attachment parenting and you'll find that it's really about just one thing - connection. A true connection fosters mutual sensitivity, understanding and trust, essential ingredients for a strong positive relationship. With The
connection like this, the ride that is parenting, with all of its sunshine and its storms, is a more enjoyable and more successful journey for both the child and the parent. Our attached relationship with our children guides us as we escort them from their days as needy infants, along the twists, bumps, calms, chills and thrills of their childhood, adolescence and young adulthood to the great plateau of their adulthood. With their hearts and minds full from a lifetime of basking in our support, our children can carry with them the tools they need to form their own true connections with the rest of the world.

And it's pretty hard not to form a strong connection and get to know your child really well when you do breastfeed, spend lots of time with them, wear or carry them everywhere you go, are available to them all night, use positive discipline and practice the other ideals of attachment parenting. These are the tools that enhance the quintessential ideal of attachment parenting, Emotional Responsiveness.

If you are a parent who trusts your instincts to nurture, who gets behind your children's eyes and into their heads,
tries to understand what it is like to live from their perspective and really gets to know them...if you ask yourself, "how would I feel if I were in my child's place and how would I want to be treated?" If you strive to have the kind of connection between you and your child that brings out the best in both of you, and work to understand your child's needs and to help her feel her best, you are an attachment parent. And as an attachment parent, you not only love your children, you love being with them, learning with them, and building on that attached relationship for a lifetime.

[Springtime]

Originally Posted by LadyBaker

As far as I'm concerned you can practice most of the ideals of attachment parenting - babywearing, breastfeeding, cosleeping, limiting separations, etc. and still not be an attachment parent if you don't let yourself get emotionally attached to your baby or child. Or you can choose to practice almost none of these ideals and still be an attachment parent if you do form a genuine emotional connection.

HMmm I'm not sure that I understand this... how does one NOT "emotionally attach to their child.... from reading the above everyone would be AP

Originally Posted by LadyBaker

I'm not talking about whether you love your children or how much. If you're even reading this, I'm sure you love your children. What I'm talking about is a deep mutual understanding and knowledge...about empathy. Attachment forms when we take the time to really get to know our children, from their favorite games, to their persistent fears, to their most cherished expressions of our love for them. It happens when we allow ourselves to cross over into their world, into their shoes, to feel what they feel and to respect those feelings as being every bit as important as our own. Attachment parenting isn't about how often we take our children on outings, or how many minutes a day we spend reading to them, or even whether we use a stroller or a sling, cosleeper or crib. It's about being in tune with who they are and what they need.
About placing a priority not just on their physical health, but their emotional health, and recognizing the importance that parenting has in reaching that goal.

I'm not sure that we can "cross over into their world" I mean, every parent should be trying to understand their child... I'm pretty sure that to some extent this is what all parents do...guess I'm still not seeing a real distinction here.

Originally Posted by LadyBaker

Attachment parenting in today's western society takes something else too, faith in our ability to parent our own children and a reliance on our inner knowledge of our children to guide us in raising them. Mainstream thinking in our corner of the world has not yet evolved to embrace the importance of a solid foundation of peaceful attachment for optimal child development or to understand the damage caused to children whose emotional needs are trivialized. Parenting resources still abound with one-size-fits-all child-raising rules and fix-it-all solutions that neither respect the child nor the parent-child relationship. Who knows your child best? You do, right? This is true especially if you have a strong attached relationship. And who knows how to parent your child best? You do, of course. Not your mother-in-law, not your best friend, not your pediatrician, Dr. Phil, or the latest advice-giving expert. Every person on this planet is unique, physically and emotionally, and every child has unique needs that change as they grow. Listen to your child and to what your relationship and deep knowledge of your child tell you to do, and politely shrug off any well-meaning advice to the contrary.

De-feather all of the talk about attachment parenting and you'll find that it's really about just one thing - connection. A true connection fosters mutual sensitivity, understanding and trust, essential ingredients for a strong positive relationship. With The
connection like this, the ride that is parenting, with all of its sunshine and its storms, is a more enjoyable and more successful journey for both the child and the parent. Our attached relationship with our children guides us as we escort them from their days as needy infants, along the twists, bumps, calms, chills and thrills of their childhood, adolescence and young adulthood to the great plateau of their adulthood. With their hearts and minds full from a lifetime of basking in our support, our children can carry with them the tools they need to form their own true connections with the rest of the world.

I'm pretty sure that I'm not necessarily the best mother for my children, I'm just the one that God choose for them... He is the one that really knows what they need... I think that if I let my emotions lead with my kids then I would NOT be raising them to be Godly people... our emotions often cloud issues and don't let us see when... well... our kids are being brats

Originally Posted by LadyBaker

And it's pretty hard not to form a strong connection and get to know your child really well when you do breastfeed, spend lots of time with them, wear or carry them everywhere you go, are available to them all night, use positive discipline and practice the other ideals of attachment parenting. These are the tools that enhance the quintessential ideal of attachment parenting, Emotional Responsiveness.

If you are a parent who trusts your instincts to nurture, who gets behind your children's eyes and into their heads,
tries to understand what it is like to live from their perspective and really gets to know them...if you ask yourself, "how would I feel if I were in my child's place and how would I want to be treated?" If you strive to have the kind of connection between you and your child that brings out the best in both of you, and work to understand your child's needs and to help her feel her best, you are an attachment parent. And as an attachment parent, you not only love your children, you love being with them, learning with them, and building on that attached relationship for a lifetime.

I'm pretty sure, better yet, I'm sure that a person can form a strong connection with their children without necessarily doing a lot of the things mentioned... I did nurse my children but on a schedule, I never co-sleep and I did not "wear" them... I'm not really convinced... I don't really see what AP is unless it's taken to extreme... although my children's feelings are important, as little children their opinion doesn't really matter in a lot of cases... I am their mom and I DO know what's best for them in most cases. When I read these types of articles (which I'm not trying to pick on this one just trying to understand) what I come away with is that, well for example, the last paragraph:

Originally Posted by LadyBaker

And as an attachment parent, you not only love your children, you love being with them, learning with them, and building on that attached relationship for a lifetime.

Does this mean that if you aren't an AP then you only love your child but you don't love being ith them and learning with them and building a relationship for a life time? That's what it always sounds like to me... I guess I really don't get it I always think, well, I don't want them to be so attached to me that they don't need the Lord! As small children yes, their security comes from us as thier parents but as they grow it needs to be from God... how does that figure in to AP?

Just FWIW, I don't think all mothers/parents form an emotional connection with their kids. They probably do love them deep down. But they don't "feel" the love inside. Sometimes it's like they just don't care. Sometimes something tragic has to happen before they realize/feel it.
I mean, if you really have an emotional connection with your child and you love them soooo much you do the best you can to protect them, then why are there mothers out there that will just leave their baby at home all alone and go off to the pub to drink and gamble? I remember a time when I was working at the supermarket that a mother and father left their two kids alone in the car in our parking lot, unlocked. The toddler was only wearing a diaper and both kids got out of the car and were running around in the carpark. They could have been hit by a car. And someone could have stolen the car and them. So many different things could have happened. They were very lucky (or maybe not lucky because maybe if something happened they would have realized what they did and how wrong it was instead of not caring) that we were watching those kids and my boss ended up taking them up to the office, giving them iceblocks (it was Summer) and calling the Police. Then she said she better take them back to the car incase the parents came back and the father lost his temper and hit her or something. So she took them back to the car. The parents unfortunately, got back to the car and took off before the Police arrived. But we got the license plate number and so they hopefully found them (if the car wasn't stolen).
And we asked the kids where their parents were. Their reply was "at the pub".
HAD something terrible happened that day the parents would have felt guilty for the rest of their lives and probably never forgiven themselves. And I guarantee that something like that would never happen again with any kids they had in the future. I just don't get some people.
I don't care what problems they had. There was no excuse for leaving their kids alone in the car. I don't care what they do to themselves but when you have kids you take care of them. They don't deserve to be parents IMO

Not all parents agree with this parenting style...some incorporate it without even realizing there's a name for it. A/P's biggest difference is discipline.

I agree, some women should never have had kids. I see it everyday too--plus I was a product of it with my mother. She was a good mom when it suited her. There were a lot of emotional stresses I endured.

I think that is why I do many off-stream things (A/P). I tend to 'overparent' or over compensate as some say. I do not force my children to 'mold to my lifestyle'...instead I balance my time around them. A happy child is a happy mom. Don't get me wrong, it's not easy and not really fair to me. I have many times keeled over with frustration. I have lost myself. A/P is exausting. I don't want to write down the differences in A/P and other forms of parenting..(which there are many forms and technigues. I incorporate many different parenting styles.) I think this will get too heated. You can always check out Dr. Sear's website for more info: www.askdrsears.com Many people are co-sleeping, breastfeeding, babywearing and giving over 100% We are all individuals with the right intentions---to love our kids and to raise them thru Christ.

Hugs

[Rach]

Originally Posted by Springtime

Preparation for childbirth
Emotional responsiveness
Breastfeeding
Babywearing
Co-sleeping safely
Avoiding frequent and prolonged separations between parents and a baby
Positive discipline
Maintaining balance in family life
These values are interpreted in a variety of ways across the movement. Many attachment parents also choose to live a natural family living (NFL) lifestyle, such as natural childbirth, home birth, stay-at-home parenting, homeschooling, unschooling, the anti-circumcision movement, the anti-vaccination movement, natural health, cooperative movements, and support of organic food.
However, Dr. Sears does not require a parent to strictly follow any set of rules, instead encouraging parents to be creative in responding to their child's needs. Attachment parenting, outside the guise of Dr. Sears, focuses on responses that support secure attachments.

taken from
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attachment_parenting
[/quote]

Well we did those top 8 already and never even knew it was a special parenting style until I joined a different message board. I also use cloth diapers, cloth wipes, cloth napkins, try to buy organic foods (as much as I can afford), get organic farm fresh meat from my parents' farm, and we definitely did as much natural birthing as possible. I was high risk so I had to be in a hospital but I did drug free the first baby, pitocin only for the second, and the 3rd was a c-sec so I had to have an epidural and all sorts of pain relief.

To me, I have a Christian way of being AP. I try to use things as God intended - breasts for feeding my babies, suffering the pains of childbirth because Eve ate the apple, sleeping together (I believe that God intended us to be social and he puts families together), also by using cloth products we are being good stewards - frugal and caring toward the environment, etc etc etc.

Rach,
I love what you say:
"To me, I have a Christian way of being AP"
Really, A/P is another version of 'Natural Parenting' only on a more emotional level. I too cloth diaper, tandem nurse and believe in natural weaning. I co-sleep and wear my kids in slings. I do not do Organics however-- Really should, just can't always afford store brand--and it's very hard to grow natural crops!

Originally Posted by LadyBaker

I agree, some women should never have had kids. I see it everyday too--plus I was a product of it with my mother. She was a good mom when it suited her. There were a lot of emotional stresses I endured.

Yeah like have you ever seen a mother that just seems so distant from her child and her childs emotions? I see it quite often here. It's really sad. They are begging for attention all the time and only get it when they are being naughty. I'm not talking about when we are busy because I know we all are and we cannot always do everything for our child as soon as they want us to.

[luvmy4sons]

God plans each life. God puts each child with the parent or parents that He wants them with. Each parent has their own personality and strenghts and weaknesses and past experiences that make them the parents they are...which God knew they would be before He gave them children.

We all parent differently and we all should because no one has the same child and experiences the same set of circumstances and has the same emotional make up as the next person. I often see Christian mothers making their method of parenting a principle and upholding it as MORE than what it is, which is just a way of parenting, to which they cannot be completely consistent with anyway.

The Bible is our best guide. The Holy spirit is our best guide. Prayer and seeking the Lord is the best guide. All the other stuff can be helpful and give us ideas...but in the end we do the best we can. We do the best that we are capable of, and each person is capable of different things. And the key here is God knew that and placed the children where they need to be for His good purposes. He knew parent A would be more strict and parent B more lenient and He worked it all together for good. It is what each child in that family needs even if it doesn't seem so at the time, because we are all sinners and live in a fallen world. So no family is perfect in appearance. No parent is perfect in their practicing of their style of parenting.

I think naming a parenting style is somewhat of a gimmick to help parents feel better. If there is a method and formula you don't feel so lost and out of control. And if some of the theories fit you and are not unscriptural...then good. But in the end. God is our best source. Because no matter what the style or the "name", in the end HE supplies the abilities to do it all. "I am the vine and you are the branches and apart from me you can do nothing."

I agree with Ruth totally!

My dh and I were talking about this a while ago, and we were wondering why does it even have a name??

We believe that we fall in the "Lazy Parent" category.

Co-sleeping cuz we're too lazy to put the baby back in bed,
Babywearing cuz the baby is happy and quiet and we can get things done,
Breastfeed cuz it's so much easier and cheaper (the health benefits are an added perk!)
Cloth Diaper cuz it saves us thousands of dollars.

heh heh heh.