Help!

[buttercup_97140]

I think one of the most important things you said was that your Dh doesn't want Bo hanging out with this kid. The Lord put your husband in charge for a reason and I really believe He gives them wisdom about things that we do not get. I agree that it would be wise to ask your Dh his opinion and obey his desires. The Lord blesses us when we obey our husbands. I have seen it time and time again.
I do not think you need to stop being friends, but it might be wise to limit your get together time to just the two of you. If she is really a good friend, I would be honest and explain your concerns and have verses to back up your concerns. The Lord tells us to do everything joyfully, even submission to authority and the Lord tells us that we need to have self control. If your friend is not disciplining, she is not teaching her child self control.
I know it is hard to bring up flaws we see in our friends because we are all flawed, but when we see destruction happening, it is our place as sisters in Christ to encourage and love our friends by telling them. We don't need to be accusatory or point the finger, but we do need to be honest. I would even pray about it for a while first, ask your friend to prepare her heart for a one on one talk that you need to have with her, and then in a loving way present your concerns. I would tell her that Dh is concerned with the child's behavior too and has asked you to limit the influence. Her ds might be a leader, but that leadership personality needs to be tended to and influenced to glorify the Lord, not lead others into temptation.
I see in your post that the Lord is convicting your heart on what is the wisest choice in this situation, but I think you are letting the fear of losing your friend cloud your judgement.
If you ask your friend to prepare her heart, present this in a loving way, and your friend reacts unfavorable to this, that is between her and the Lord.
My dh helped me find some good verses that Lord willing will encourage you and help you in this matter.
Proverbs 6:23, 10:17, 12:1, 15:15, 15:32, and Ephesians 6: 1-4. Ephesians 5:22-23, 5:33. Those are good starting points I believe to help you pray more about this situation and really see what the Lord wants from you and how to handle this. Galations 6 is good (it says someone caught in sin, which you can actually say she is sinning by not following God by disciplining him. God if very clear about our disciplining.

I pray for strength for you in this! I know it's so hard, but you have the tools, the team to back you up, and the Love for your friend to get you through!!
Blessings,
Amber

[Jeff's Turtle]

Thank you all. I am very faithful in listening to my husband. I think it's hard to hear because not submitting is NOT like me at all. It's hard to truely know a person just from a message board. When we were first married 7 years ago today to be exact I heard on focus on the family some great marriage advice which was to let your husband fail. Just submit and if he is wrong then God is his judge. I have followed that. Marriage Today is a great marriage ministry that I would encourage many of you to check out. Submission does not mean obey. We obey God. We submit which is a willful obedience as unto the Lord. My heart was not in disobeying my spouse but trying to be a light and a witness to my friend. My husband saw that their could be a problem with this kid. He had hessitation in Boaz hanging out with him. My husband is the manager of our sons tee-ball team. He switched E. to his team. If he was completely against it he just now said to me that he would not have placed him on the team. We both feel that you are getting the wrong perception of our marriage. I'm sorry to say but we take some offense to that. I'm trying not to be offended because I know that maybe I asked for it by the way I presented it the post. It's really hard to know a person through a computer screen.
Just know that if he were truely against it I would have submitted. God didn't take Adam's bone from his head to rule over his wife nor by his feet to trample her but he took it from his side to walk together. In our marriage we make decisions together. My husband rarely puts his foot down on anything because we have a relationship that we walk together in the Lord. We carry things in prayer together. Just as we are doing here.
I just came on here to get a woman to woman perspective. How should I Gracefully handle this situation. Not to receive judgement. Some of you were not judgement but very supportive. Camomile I really hear what you were saying when you said it doesn't matter if I know why she does what she does. I could feel your heart with in which you posted that. It was to uplift and help, not judge. Thank you. There were some other post on here that were very encouraging. Thank you for the encouragement and sharing your stories and situations. It good to know that some are going through the same thing and how you have handled it or are still in the mist of handleing things.
I would love this post to just end here because there is no need to go back and forth on this. I don't think it would profit the Body.

[Madre]

Now my husband has warned me time and time again that he doesn't like Bo playing with E. But I feel like his mom is aware of his behavior and is struggling with some "inner vows".

I understand dh stand on things but I feel like my friend is just going to learn the hard way.

My husband and I tell our son Bo that since he is acting like E. he will have to take a break from hanging out with him. My husband suggestion was to not stop hanging out with them all together but maybe get our son involved with some other kids? The only problem with that is it is hard to find true God Fearing parents to be friends with. People who have high Godly standards in there life.

I really want some honest opinions here. Do you all think I should just stop being friends with them? Or just limit the amount of time? Or keep more structure when they are over so they keep out of trouble? If you were in my shoes and this was your child what would you do?

I know you wanted to stop the thread, but I think more might have to be made clear, unless Rachel decides to lock the thread.

My purpose in responding to your post was never to offend. However, from your words above (taken from two different posts), I think you may have given the impression that your husband wanted a particular direction for your son, but you were sort of resistant for various reasons. Hence, some of the advice you were given may have been interpreted as judgmental. You also mentioned that you wanted honest opinions and that may have caused people to be more on the frank side.

No, we don't know you or your husband and may have misunderstood the situation. If so, I apologize. This can happen on a forum and has happened here since we can't see faces or hear voices. We don't intend to judge; just to offer encouragement, suggestions and advice if requested. This is a very warm and welcoming forum (otherwise so many of us wouldn't have stayed for so many years).

I would never suggest that a wife doesn't have input in situations in the marriage. Marriage is a joint effort, but, biblically, someone has to be the head. That doesn't mean that the wife is lower or less.

[Jeff's Turtle]

Thank you for your apology Madre. I really appreciate it. In all honesty I was thinking about leaving. I want honest opinions, absoultly, but not condemnation. I don't know why christians have to think the worse of each other. Living this life for the Lord is no cake walk and I believe that we need to encourage first. I use to be a very judgemental christian until the Lord showed me that his mercy is a loan. As much mercy that I give is the amount he will give me. So now I tend to ask questions. The Lord showed me this through very seasoned, very loving, very effective christians. The Lord is slow to anger and abounding in love. He compells us by his love. His love is what draws us and others close to him. The pharisees quoted the law, acted superiour. God has to be the one to change the heart. I love the song Casting Crowns sings, What this world needs. A part of the song says, "God needs to change her heart before he changes her shirt." God doesn't need us. We need God. In asking others questions it lets them figure out where they might be going wrong. Jesus asked a lot of questions. When he asked questions things came out. He is the best example of how to help someone.
I really don't want to keep draging this out because what you said wasn't all bad. What I said was my husband has warned me time and time again. I never said he put his foot down nor did he say Boaz will absoultly not play with E. again. I guess I was just counting on the fact that wasn't the point of the post and that my fellow christians would not think the worst of me without asking the proper question. I'm a very open and honest person and I'm weird in the sense that I love sharing my struggles. Submission is not one of my struggles. If my husband were able to post something here. He would be the first to tell you that I definatly don't have a problem with submission.
I came on here to simply get some mom to mom advice on how to lovingly handle this situation with the son and the other mom. Not have the letter of the law thrown at me.
I'm glad you all have each other here and I really don't want to leave. I would love to join in and be a part. But I'm not going to stay if I don't see or feel encouraged. There is enough in this life that the enemy uses to tear down our walk with the Lord. Satan is the accuser of the brethern. We need to be encouragers. The best encouragement in my opinion is just love someone who is going through a tough situation.

[GenLovesDen4ever]

Hey there Jennifer... Im Gen too! Except my name is spelled with a 'G' and one 'N'. Thats how I introduce myself sometimes, lol. When people see my name written they ask me 'Is that an american thing?' Bc Im american but live in the Uk. I digress... I had to go back to find your name from your introduction post and was like 'Hey! Im Genifer too!!'

I can understand your dilemma. Dh didnt give you a direct 'Dont do this' and it was easily a situation with another woman, mom, friend that got a bit tricky to navigate. I cannot TELL you how many times I faced this sort of situation. On the other side of the coin, *I* was the other mom!! I had a dear friend of mine recently give me little clues that she felt MY precious little angel of a ds was a ...bad influence on her son. Those werent her words but when I took her comments to the worst possible conclusion, I felt she was saying my son was a bad kid. And he's not! I digress again.. I apologise.

The best advise for a situation like this... and I did this myself in the afore mentioned situation.... is to take it to the Lord. My dh, I ask his advice and he gives his opinion. Sometimes its helpful, sometimes it isnt. Rarely does he put his foot down on anything either. Its not his way. He knows Im a big girl and have a God-given mind and he trusts my judgement. So, often times I go to God with things like this. I spend enough time in prayer to get an answer and a way forward, direction on how to proceed.

Im not sure if the situation has been resolved for you yet, but you dont have to make a decision yet. Sit closely to your Daddy's feet and await His leading. He'll guide you with wisdom, giving you compassion and understanding. That is a certainty. When you ask for that godly wisdom, you can then go in confidence that even if you bump into her unexpectedly, even then He'll lead you. Ive had situations where God's told me to run a mile in the other direction from a person... other times he's given me understanding how to handle a friendship. I personally wouldnt confront her unless the Lord gave me a peace about it and direct go ahead.

I hope this helps. I do hope you dont leave us at cmoms. We are a caring bunch, God-loving and Im certain no one meant any judgement towards you. I think there might have been some misunderstanding all around where that was concerned. Being new and having a response that makes you feel judged cant be pleasant, but I know the girls really didnt mean to offend or seem judgemental.


Oh yeah, and that afore mentioned situation I mentioned earlier, was subtly dealt with thru no effort of my own. God orchestrated meeting up with my friend, unexpectedly and was cleared the air without me mentioning a thing about the situation.

[ChamomileFriend]

I hope this helps. I do hope you dont leave us at cmoms. We are a caring bunch, God-loving and Im certain no one meant any judgement towards you. I think there might have been some misunderstanding all around where that was concerned. Being new and having a response that makes you feel judged cant be pleasant, but I know the girls really didnt mean to offend or seem judgemental.

^^^ This! I hope you stay

yeah, and that afore mentioned situation I mentioned earlier, was subtly dealt with thru no effort of my own. God orchestrated meeting up with my friend, unexpectedly and was cleared the air without me mentioning a thing about the situation.

That is great news Gen!

[buttercup_97140]

It seems that the biggest issue you are having is that people gave you advice on an issue and then you saw that as judging you and your husband and your marriage. If Gen (G with one N) posted something similarly to what you posted, we would have posted the same type of answers. Not because we think she isn't submitting to her husband, but because we all know that sometimes it's hard to submit and sometimes it's hard for ourselves in a certain situation to realize what we are doing. Also, I think it's important to make sure your post is specific to what you are really looking for. If you don't want honest advice on all that you posted, give a smaller piece of the puzzle for all of us to work with. You loaded us up with tons of information and then asked for honest responses....almost pleaded for them. I do not understand how you feel the responses were judgemental and unloving. From your post, the one you posted and asked for parenting advice and advice on how to deal with your friend, it seemed that you wanted others to help you with actual ideas on how to render the situation, what would we do...honestly.
I know in my own post I have had many moments where I had to slap my own forehead and realize that I wasn't listening to Dh's comments or wishes. It's so easy to do in the whole scheme of living life. In posting about this I wanted to encourage you to look into this part of life, because many times when we get off track a bit in our relationship roles things don't go as well as they could. It's the same advice I would give myself, my sisters at church, any christian women who presented herself the way you did.
I have a dear friend who's oldest son liked to hurt my daughters. His favorite was pinching their cheeks as hard as he could while no one was looking. He also loved to roar at the youngest (she wasn't even 2 at the time) to get her screaming freaking out, and then he would laugh when we caught him. His mother sort of said "don't do that" but there was no discipline for intentionally hurting younger kids, no talks about being a good example, of loving, of being mindful. That was a HUGE struggle for me because I loved the mom, knew she disciplined, but she was in the "my boy is going to be great in sports, so we let him focus on that more than anything" attitude. Instead of reeling him in, they just tsk tsk him away and hoped he would go pro one day. I could not sit back and not say something to my friend. I didn't want to come over to her house, I didn't want to let her watch my kids or me watch her kids...it was a mess. I had to talk to her about it. She was very open to it and knew where I was coming from and the Lord blessed our friendship, but we don't include her kids anymore. We also live 3000 miles away now, so our youngest get to talk on the phone some. But the Lord helped with this situation.

With this said, our hearts go out to you because most of us have been in these situations, and there is not one fix. Usually it takes many steps to figure out how to get a situation that is uncomfortable and dysfunctional into a functional loving relationship again for everyone involved. One step that can be looked at is submission. I'm sorry you thought I was judging you, very far from the truth, but like you said, how can you know that I was judging you without you judging me and my reasons behind posting about that? Madre posted the lines I was going off of when suggesting maybe looking into that area, but that was done from personal experience. Submitting is a hard thing to learn how to do, and even after we do pretty well, pride can keep it a struggle. I thank the Lord that after 7 years of being a Christian that I can say I enjoy submitting to my husband. The weight that is lifted off my shoulders when I can give a decision to him and then let the consequences fall on his shoulders, it's a gift from the Lord!!
I want to encourage you to see the posts as they are meant to be.....supportive, loving, and helpful. You keep saying all you wanted was mother to mother advice....well honey, that is what you go here. This is how we encourage, love, support, and help. We tell the truth, we use scripture to help if/when we can, and we love you for who you are, not for who you think we think you are. I would be very careful judging others in their posts just like you said we were judging you. I really believe that if you took them post by post and really saw the love and sometimes pain behind the stories, encouragement, and reasons behind the postings you will see things in a new light.
And....we are all different in how we post. I am a very literal person, so when I saw three or four sentences about your husband and his feelings towards the interaction, I saw him having an opinion on that. And then I saw you post about how you know your husband's wishes but you want to be gracious and loving. To me, that seems pretty obvious. When you asked people to be VERY HONEST, I figured you wanted honesty. If that was not what you were looking for, I apologize, I miss took your post. I try to be honest, open, say what I see (and I know I am SOOOO not right a lot of the time) but that doesn't mean I am judging that person. I am just trying to let them know that I am here for them, that I am encouraging them the best I can do, and if someone doesn't agree with me, that's fine, but lets talk about it, not just post a whole post about how offensive it was and then say it's done, I don't want to hear your apologies, I don't want to hear your reasonings, I just want it done. Does that make sense?
You are our sister in Christ, and we want you here, we want you here to feel loved and accepted, but honey, that is a two way street. If you feel misunderstood in all of your posts, maybe there is a better way for you personally to post. Maybe less info, maybe more info, maybe just a prayer request to start out because that's what you feel you need right now. Whatever it is, we want to encourage and help you if we can.
If you leave, you will be leaving some of the most WONDERFUL women in the world! I joined literally a week or two before we found out our 1st son, second child, had severe defects that the doctors gave no hope for survival. The women here were my shoulders to cry on, to come to get renewed when I felt like all my strength was gone. When I was induced they held a 24 hour prayer vigil for Noah and I. I know other's on here were praying for us as well who didn't sign up. When my dear friend posted that Noah had passed away the outpouring of love and support and prayers and praises to the Lord were overwhelming. I felt loved in a way I had never even began to imagine could be possible. Yes, that was a very long and hard road, but these ladies walked with me through IT ALL! They gave me perspective when I was off course, they gave me love when my heart was breaking over some new news, they listened when I need to talk about Noah and my fears. This type of community, these type of women don't just happen anywhere. If you left, you would be leaving under false ideas, false judgements that you have made about US even before you came to know us. Honestly I think that's a bit hypocritical to what you have been complaining about.
We want you here because we love you as our sister and we want the opportunity to walk through this time of life with you. We want to encourage you, we want to pray for you, we want to be honest and if needed sometimes point out areas that might need work. That doesn't mean we are judging you or are not supporting you or are not encouraging you, we are just being human and open and honest.
We can tell you want to glorify the Lord in your parenting and in your marriage. We cannot make that call for you, only to encourage ways to help that be even better, function better, or just be excited for you in your blessings! I sure hope you can stay and see how wrong you were about us here. You are wanted, don't forget that!

Blessings,
Amber

[rachel]

Going to lock; haven't even seen her back.

JT - If you do see these last replies and need to further work out any offense w/ grace, easy to handle in PM. Ditto for anyone else who may have been offended. Here are verses that may encourage that: http://www.whatchristianswanttoknow....ipture-quotes/

Otherwise, either way, we pray the best and blessings for you.