College Yikes!

[mom2jl]

Well, my 17 year old informed us yesterday that she is applying to a college a long ways away. I just don't get her. It is so exasperating, frustrating, maddening, etc. If I have any hair left by the time she is married, it will be a miracle. She is one month away from getting her Alberta license for Emergency Medical Responder. But . . . no, she has decided she doesn't want to write the exam as it is too stressful right now. So she is planning on applying to a college in British Columbia where is doesn't need to take this exam in order to take the Emergency Medical Technician course. However, she will still have to take the EMT exam in BC to get her license. She is being so unreasonable and I am so frustrated with her and angry. I try to talk to her in calmness just to get her to see the reality of what she is talking about, but she gets mad, starts to yell and heh, I think I'm done with all of this. How she plans on paying for rent at this city is beyond me. She has no money saved as she has been spending it as fast as she gets it. DH and I are in no position to help her out financially. I think she believes that money grows on trees and that if she just bats her big blue eyes at someone, that they will let her pay as she goes. NOT! Anyway, needed to vent. Thanks for listening.

[Mo2b1d]

[hug] I'm sorry you're having such a frustrating time right now.

It sounds like it's time to let your daughter step out and make some mistakes on her own right now.

Since she's only 17, I'm assuming that she has at least until September before she'd go off to college, so there's still time for her to change her mind too.

Instead of becoming more and more frustrated with her for not doing things your way (even if you are right:-D) I'd suggest you go at this in a different direction. In less than a year, she'll be an adult, and if you push too hard, she's likely to make a move that will put alot of space between you so she feels like she has more freedom to do things the way she feels she needs to.

But since she's still only 17, I'd do my best to include a healthy dose of reality too. Sit down with her with the applications and help her fill them out. Help her fill out financial aid forms and grant request forms.

Then go online and get information about tuition costs and books and fees. Find all the information you can about costs of dorm "room and board" costs, or apartment rent and utilities. Research cell phone plans whether or not she even has enough credit to carry her own plan, or if there would be a hefty deposit since she probably doesn't even have a credit rating yet. Take her "window shopping" for what she'd need for an apartment or dorm and record the prices of everything she'd need to have her own dorm or apartment. Then sit down with her and help her put all of those figures into a spreadsheet so she can see the numbers up front.

Also, regarding financial aid and tuition loans, help her go through all the forms and read all the fine print now. Way too many kids get student loans and think they'll be making 100's of thousands of dollars when they graduate college and will be able to handle any sort of payment down the line. Sadly though, they are rudely awakened when they get there, or when they take a semester off and are forced to make $500 a month payments toward their student loan because of it.

If your daughter isn't willing to accept your help or to do her own research on all of those things and get a school counselor's help, then I'd say it's fine to tell her you really don't approve of her jumping into this without a good plan. It's going to be hard, but she's at the age where in a few months, you're going to need to let her go make her own mistakes even though they might muck up her school/career for awhile. Give her back to God, and try to stay positive. 17 is a REALLY tough age...I remember it well. But rest assured, that you've parented her well and she'll be fine.... even if she does have to make a few mistakes to really figure out how to do things on her own and realize you really were right:)

ETA: There's also the possibility that her way of doing things really will turn out to be the best for her, so don't necessarily assume that things won't work out for her if she does things in a way that you consider backwards, IYKWIM.

[Madre]

Many kids have big dreams, Joy. I think it's good if you can sort of insert a dose of reality while trying not to squelch the dream. I agree that eventually, though, you're going to have to let them bump their heads or as one man says "let life teach them".

I kind of have a different take on helping a young person fill out applications. Many colleges frown on parental help with this process. They want to "know" the student and what the student thinks. Their take is that if a student can't fill our their own application, what kind of effort will they make as a college student? Above all, let her write her own essays, if that's a requirement.

Believe me, I know where you're coming from. Get as involved as she will let you. Maybe there is financially a way through grants and scholarships. They have some pretty interesting scholarships out there (left handed people, tall people, various ethnic scholarships, etc.). However, when a young adult is very determined in a particular direction, you become the coach. Give good advice from the sidelines and pray that she will be open to it. [hug]

[mom2jl]

Thanks gals. I needed a dose of reality. I know it's time to let her go. But being the first, it is so dreadfully difficult, especially since we are locking heads over this. I think what I find so frustrating is that she can take the course right here in our city, but wants to move away as far as possible from us and home. I know she needs to spread her wings, but it really makes me feel like a failure as a mom as I always imagined my relationship with my kids to be very close and open. She is finished school now so could leave at any time. I have asked that she stick it out at home until she turns 18 which will be in May. That way we don't have to be there to sign for every little thing that she does or wants to do. She seems to have a plan, and I don't hear anything about it for weeks or months so I think everything is going ahead. And then, out of the blue, she comes up with a totally different plan. Throws me for a loop as I like my life planned out. Hate surprises with a passion. So hard to let go, heart-wrenching hard.

[Reneemomto5]

Fabulous advice from Madre and Mo. And we have conversed before on some issues with your daughter Joy so you know I am praying and thinking of things that may help.

Starting at 18 sounds like a very good plan Joy. Don't beat yourself up over your daughter being different, that is a way children as teenagers set themselves apart from their parents. And it should be a welcomed event as long as its not putting her in harms way which so far she seems to be sharing just enough with you to be sure of that. Continue to pray on the issue, talk with other moms as you are. Its sounds like you are having a lot of difficulty coming in peace with her new decisions and I pray both of you can somehow find a way of communication that lets both of you feel at peace.

Don't give up, just remember your role as a parent is changing. We as parents need to be willing and flexible to change with our children Joy because what doesn't bend breaks.

It must be hard seeing your fist spreading her wings. hugs

[Mo2b1d]

I kind of have a different take on helping a young person fill out applications. Many colleges frown on parental help with this process. They want to "know" the student and what the student thinks. Their take is that if a student can't fill our their own application, what kind of effort will they make as a college student? Above all, let her write her own essays, if that's a requirement.

I totally agree with this. What I meant about helping fill out applications, was kind of overseeing it all and being there to provide all the financial information that's needed and such, not helping fill out the child's answers or help with the essay and such.

I REALLY wish my parents had taken more of an interest in my college applications and helped me wade through the mass of federal grant and loan programs and applications. They didn't do any of that, and because my school didn't have a good school counselor program set up, and because they never taught a really good life skills math class regarding loans and amortization and interest and all that, I missed out on alot of grant and loan opportunities.

My dh's parents on the other hand, just filled out everything for him, set him up with a school loan, and he didn't even know that's what it was at first....talk about a shock... they didn't pay it back, he had to.

ETA (DS clicked Enter): Anyway, I think things would've gone more smoothly if I'd had the info about how the grant and loan programs really worked. Instead, my parents just said that they didn't think loans were a good idea. Even though I worked full time the entire time I went to college full time, I still ran out of money after I got to a 4 year school. I'm now a year and a semester short of my BA degree. I have a good AA degree...but couldn't finish my BA degree.

[Madre]

I see what you're saying, MO. Frankly, I do the FAFSA for my kids and I have helped them with paperwork, etc. The reason I said what I did was do to an article I read recently. I had no idea that colleges actually frowned on parents' being too involved in the application process. With two of our kids, the college didn't tell us anything. With the other two, there were parents' weekends and endless activities for parents to be involved in. I'm sure there is a fine line between being a "helicopter parent" and letting your kid just do it all themselves. College out of state is a big and involved process and a parent really does have to be involved. This is no reflection on our parents, but my hub and I took care of practically everything ourselves when we were in college. Of course, things were more simple (and tons cheaper) then. My college education was virtually free (except for books).

[krazee4jc]

I have 2 girls in a JC my oldest just feels like school just isn't for her. She never really liked school but she still hanging in there, I'm Proud Of Her she told us the other day that she dosen't want to waste our money and would like to stop school :( The only good thing is where she works they'll send her to school and pay so much if it'll help her career.
As for my 2nd one she loves school and has her path planned, Proud Of Her for doing it all by herself. As for the State College, she's trying to see which will be better for her.
They live home and us girls all work for the same company different location.
It can get nerve wrecking[whatwacko]

[mom2jl]

Well, that was refreshing!! I just read over my previous post about my daughter. Thanks so much everyone for your prayers because we have come a long ways since that original post about her moving out. She did move out today, but instead of going across the country, she went to volunteer as a counselor at a Bible camp for the summer that is only an hour away from home. She'll be home most weekends which will help with the adjustment. Yesterday, she took her entrance exams at the college in the city where we live. God works in amazing ways and I'm grateful to everyone for your prayers and advice. Please do pray that she will be accepted at the college for September.