Discipline idea/ not sure/need advice

[kymommy]

Whew, I am really struggling with my 12 yo dd. She is whining and crying like a baby, being disrespectful, not helping around the house, slacking with homework and just being a teen. The problem is I am feeling really stressed out and taken advantage of.

for example, when my dd was walking out the door this morning she yells at me in a disrespectful voice, "WHERE IS MY LUNCH?" [crytantrum]

I really wanted to throw her lunch at her.:evil:

So here is my idea. I am thinking about taking a week off of doing stuff for her. I will not pack her lunch, do her laundry, help with homework, take her to friends or school activities etc. I thought maybe it might be a wake up call

Do you think that is too harsh? I'm just feeling really drained. I love my daughter. She loves the Lord and has a sweet heart, but as she has gone back to school she is developing some bad habits and is really taking her parents for granted.
I need advice,
Thanks

[pa_wife]

No, I don't think that is too harsh. I started making my dd and ds pack their own lunches when they went to 5th grade. They would have to let me know what was in them, but I let them pack away. Most of the time, they would pack everything except their sandwich or thermos the night before and leave the bag out on the counter, then in the AM, just make the sandwich or heat up something for the thermos.
Remember too, that your dd's hormones are probably raging right now. When dd's hormones kicked in I just carefully picked my battles. I found that fussing all the time just escalated the problem. If she smarted off or acted up in front of anyone or out in public, I gave punishment, but as far as the eye rolling and mumblin grumblin, I just let alot go. I didn't acknowledge her when she would do it, just walk away. Most times she would come and apologize to me---without promting. That behavior lasted from about 12 1/2 to 14. She's the sweetest girl I know now, and she's almost 17. She is so loving and caring...not just to us, but she does volunteer work with the middle school down syndrome class, and the little ones at church love when she helps in the pre school---I even find her fussing at the junior youth kids---for doing the same things she used to do! Just hold on and take deep breaths, this too shall pass.
You're dead on the head though with the punishments. I would sit her down, not when she is in the middle of a mood swing, but when all is well, and tell her calmly that her behavior isn't acceptable and that here is a list of consequences for that behavior......
Hope that helps.
oh, and you aren't alone, my ds is starting to exhibit the same behavior at 13! urrhh, I'll have to have the talk again.

[Madre]

I would sit her down, not when she is in the middle of a mood swing, but when all is well, and tell her calmly that her behavior isn't acceptable and that here is a list of consequences for that behavior......

This is such wise counsel! Wait until the waters are calm and you're not in the middle of a crisis to address issues and lay new ground plans. :-D

[momofweewerfs]

I j ust finished reading a book by gary leaman, whose main principle is b doesn't happen until a is complete. we are doing this with oldest daughter.( she is 8) if we ask her to do something, and she doesn't do it, when she wants something we tell her no, because i asked you to do this and you didn't do it. it took a couple of days ( rough days) and then her attitude got so much better.

[kymommy]

Thanks ladies! Becky, like your daughter, my dd apologized as soon as she got into the car today. We had a good talk on the way home. I know a lot of this is hormones. I still remember my pre-teen years. I've got to take this with lots of prayers and one day at a time. However, I do think she will pack her own lunch this coming week !
I'll take terrible twos over terrible teens anyday!

[Rach]

YAY for a nice talk.

I work with 12 year olds at school and sheesh, going back to school is a joy for some, a torture for others, and most are in the middle somewhere. Some of these kids get sleep deprived! That and hormones... BAD mix... anyway...

I think your idea for a punishment is great. You could also let her know exactly what you want... appreciation, manners, ... because of a larger goal of being a kind, loving, and responsible adult in 6/7 years. I find they like to know the short term and long term 'why'.

[kymommy]

Wow Rach, when I think about my baby being an adult in only 6 or 7 years!?? I've got work to do! Seriously, you make a good point I needed to hear to motivate me to pray more and be consistant in my discipline.
There are some battles I know I need to address, but don't because I know my daughter will have what we call in KY a "hissy fit". And some "battles" I know I can let slide. I just need the wisdom to tell the difference.
I really appreciate you advice. keep it coming, I need it! Also, if you know of any good books with parenting/teen advice, I'd appreciate it. I looked at the bookstore this past week, but there we so many I wasn't sure which one to get. With them being to expensive, I'd like to hear a reccomendation before I invest .

[Madre]

I think it helps me to recognize that teens have "flesh", too. It may come out in "hissy fits", silent treatment, orneriness, laziness, etc. They (like us) learn how to deal with unpleasantness in their own particular ways (when they don't want to deal with it by turning to the Lord). Plus, for whatever reason (probably hormone related somewhat), I found the middle school/early high school years to be difficult. You do need wisdom and no child is the same so what worked with #1 may not work with #2, #3, etc. I think that when it's "woman to woman", things can get a little blurry at times. Maybe having Dad step in sometimes might be more effective at getting down to the core issue.

[Rach]

Sometimes you can find good books at the library. I find that if I check it out and don't make it past page 10 for the 3 weeks til it's due then I probably never would have read it anyway and now it didn't cost anything to have.

Don't fear the hissy fits. *hug* Sometimes the kids I am the most firm with are the most appreciative, friendly, and adoring kids out of the classroom. Kids, teens, and adults alike all seek boundaries.
I also agree with pick your battles! I am not a warden, I'm a mom :)

You sound like you are finding your happy medium just fine :) It's easy for me, my kids are still 'little'. We'll see how calm I can be 5 years from now. [whatwacko]

[praying] for you!