Hello fellow moms!

I am hoping that some of you can either relate to my feelings or may have some words of encouragement in light of my struggles with guilt.

I am a complete and total perfectionist when it comes to my mothering. Please don't think I'm saying that I expect my children to be perfect (that's not the case at all)...what I mean is, I expect myself to be perfect...all of the time...when it comes to being a "good", no make that, "wonderful" mother.

If I ever lose my temper over things that most every mother in the world has probably lost hers over, I beat myself up over it for days and tell my 3 year old that, "Mama is so sorry that I shouted at you when you wouldn't come in the kitchen when I was calling you" (granted...this is usually after I have called for him about 3 or 4 times, and yes, he definitely hears me and sometimes will even run and hide behind the chair in the living room when he knows I want to wash his hands or put some clothes on him, etc.) What usually happens when I do ever resort to actually shouting is that he will sometimes cry because it startles him or hurts his feelings, and then I end up feeling like a monster!! :twisted:

While I know that my loss of patience at things like this as well as my occasional loss of temper are completely normal, if I ever allow it to result in me shouting or giving my son a dirty look or just sounding and/or looking "mean" when dealing with him, I always end up coming away from the situation telling myself that I am failing as a mother and that I should be able to provide him with a better example of how to respond to frustrating situations.

I rarely, rarely ever shout...I grew up in a home where shouting was how everyone communicated, and I vowed that I would never make shouting a part of my home as an adult. Don't get me wrong, I definitely have a "stern" voice that I use to let him know I mean business, so when I say shouting, I mean using a voice that just BOOMS and evokes fear. Growing up, I always felt very nervous and could not STAND to be yelled at...would have probably rather been beaten than yelled at. Therefore, the times that I do mess up and shout out of frustration or stomp around or have a very obvious scowl on my face when interacting with my son, as I said before, I feel like I'm failing.

What makes matters worse is when my son will sometimes look at me with his enormous blue eyes and say very softly, "Mama, you should speak kindly to me and not shout at me like that." or "Mama, you're not being very nice to me." That CRUSHES me because he is right in saying that, and he is reminding me of the very things that I try to teach him...i.e. we don't shout at others...we speak kindly...it's okay to be angry, but it's not ok to act ugly, etc. etc. [halo]

I now have a second son, who is 6 mos old, so the 24/7 time that I used to be able to devote to my first son is obviously limited now. For this I also feel incredibly guilty. I wouldn't trade having my second son for anything in the world, but I struggle with feelings of guilt over having to just divide my time as best as I can between the two of them. I also feel guilty that I'm not able to shower my second son with all of the attention that I did my first. I can't win for losing! [whatwacko]

My 3 year old is one of the most precious children I could have ever dreamed of having. I can't even believe God blessed me with such an amazingly sweet and well-behaved child. He has such a tender heart and will say things like, "Mama, I'm really sorry that I wasn't being a good listener when you asked me to stay in my chair while I was eating my lunch." These apologies sometimes come hours after the offense and are completely unsolicited, which is how I know that they are heartfelt. He also prays some of the sweetest prayers I have ever heard...saying things like, "Thank you God for forgiving me when I make mistakes, and thank you for meat and broccoli, and thank you for grass, and God, don't forget to pray for Jesus. Amen." [praying] Children are just so precious!

I guess because he is such a well-behaved child 99.9% of the time, I feel terrible for the times that I allow his misbehavior to get the better of me.

In a nutshell, I just can't handle the thought of my 2 boys growing up and not wanting much to do with me because they felt like I was a stressed out, mean, irritable mother. I stay exhausted all of the time because I put such a great deal of effort into always trying to be in a good mood, trying to never get overly angry, trying to never shout, trying to come up with fun things to do with my boys, trying to make sure I'm meeting all of their needs from physical, to emotional, to spiritual, etc. etc. etc. The irony is that I spend so much time trying to be perfect that I end up coming across as grumpy and irritable due to the pressure that I put on myself.

I probably sound like a complete lunatic, but I promise, I'm not!! :lol:

The ironic thing is that all I ever hear from people is "You are the most amazing mother I have ever seen!! Where do you get all of your patience?" I just can't convince myself that this is true, and it's taking all of the joy out of motherhood because I'm just trying so hard!!!

Does anyone else ever struggle with the guilt that comes with being a mom? If so, please feel free to share any ways that you have learned to overcome it.

Thank you for listening and I apologize for the long post!

All I can say is that I could have written your post. I have felt that way so many times. You ARE a good mother! You are amazing in fact! Try to relax and give your burdens to the Lord. You are doing the best that you can and it reflects in the way your children behave. Just keep on giving it to the Lord, take some time for yourself from time to time and try not to be so hard on yourself. I know, I know, easier said than done. But it's important. We can be there for each other! PM me anytime if you'd like to chat. :)

P.S. Welcome to the board!! We're so glad you're here!! [welcomehi]

Ditto what Becca said. We all get there a time or two (or more!). And just from what you have said, I can say with confidence that your boys won't grow up thinking only that you were a "stressed out, mean, irritable mother". You are a great mother! :D

Exact-a-munda sweetie....only my issue too is that then I get upset with myself and that makes my more *snappy* or irritable or short with everyone because I am directing my guilt and anger at my own short-comings and self-perceived-failures at others...a vicious circle! Ugh! You're not alone!

This is the curse of being a perfectionist. The upside this that you are aware of areas where you could improve. The fact that you want to do an even better job that you are already doing makes you a great mother. Your son sounds like he is a real credit to your mothering. As mothers we are learning all the time - unfortunately we don't start off as the experts we want to be and have to learn a lot by trial and error.


I rarely, rarely ever shout...I grew up in a home where shouting was how everyone communicated, and I vowed that I would never make shouting a part of my home as an adult. Don't get me wrong, I definitely have a "stern" voice that I use to let him know I mean business, so when I say shouting, I mean using a voice that just BOOMS and evokes fear. Growing up, I always felt very nervous and could not STAND to be yelled at...would have probably rather been beaten than yelled at.


I totally relate to this - I almost could have written this myself. Though, it is a hard thing to change from the style of parenting that we knew growing up. I am sure many of us have found ourselves repeating things that our parents did without meaning to. Even when we are determined to do it completely differently those old parental styles tend to sneak in now and then (particularly when we are under stress).

Pray that God will give you the ability to change those areas that you feel most convicted about and then try to go easy on yourself. None of us has a perfect relationship with the people important to us (kids, husband, friends) because we all make mistakes. Young kids are amazingly forgiving when they know that we love them - even they understand that noone is perfect. The real difference is the will to invest in that relationship and make it better. You obviously already have that.

I'm saying a prayer that you will have the peace that you need regarding your mothering abilities.

By the way, welcome to C'moms! I hope that you will find friendship and encouragement here.

Thank you all so much for your insight and words of encouragement!!

Breezykc2, you hit the nail on the head with the whole "vicious cycle" thing! I couldn't have described it any better myself, and actually, when I really stop and pay attention to what's going on, that's most often the case...I act the worst when I mess up because I'm so angry with myself for messing up in the first place! Thank you for helping me to verbalize that!!

My dh absolutely adores his mom...talks to her on the phone every single day! I want that kind of future relationship with both of my boys more than anything. My MIL is a wonderful, loving, caring woman of God, and she gave, and continues to give, her entire self to her children in any way that they need her. I just want my boys to receive that same level of selflessness from me both now and even when they're all grown up.

It is definitely true that children have some of the most forgiving hearts, and most likely, my boys won't think twice about the things that I sit and beat myself up over, as long as I am giving them lots of love to make up for the times that I do fail. My MIL said to me once, "You won't know what kind of job you're doing with your children for about 20 years, and the things that you think you've done so wrong will be COMPLETELY different from the things that they will hold against you." [whatthink] I'm sure that's probably true, too.

It just helps to know that there are other moms out there who battle these same foes when it comes to our job!

I pray constantly that God will give me victory in the areas where I tend to make mistakes, and I pray that He will mold me into the kind of mother that pleases Him the most. Sometimes I feel like I'm doing so well, and then I get stressed or frustrated or angry and end up messing up all over again....I guess this is a vicious cycle inside the vicious cycle! [rofllol]

Thank you again for all of your responses! I feel better already, and it's great to be a part of this group of wonderful moms!

I so hear what you are saying. I have four wonderful children and began "losing" it when my first was two years old. Tired, hormones, new mom thing, it all added up and I started screaming at my kids and hating myself for it. I still struggle with it, struggle with the guilt. I just want you to know that you are not alone, that God loves you no matter what, that our kids are much quicker to forgive us than we are to forgive ourselves. Your kids know you love them, you are a fantastic mom, hang in there. It does get better.

I remember someone once saying the fact that you worry about being a good parent probably means you are a good parent.....because bad parents just don't care. I think there is a lot of truth to that statement. I have known very few women who didn't have mommy guilt and none of them were people I would let babysit let alone think they need kids of their own!

I remember someone once saying the fact that you worry about being a good parent probably means you are a good parent.....because bad parents just don't care. I think there is a lot of truth to that statement. I have known very few women who didn't have mommy guilt and none of them were people I would let babysit let alone think they need kids of their own!

i agree. i have guilt as well when i "lose it" with my boys. My DH loses it too. It seems God has made us human after all! LOL!
When one of my sons yells at me, I get taken back, but then i think about it, and i say to myself...."I taught them that!" It's discouraging.
I guess the thing i try to do if i "lose it," is to tell them that i am sorry, and tell them how i am feeling. it doesn't make it right, but at least they can try to understand the emotion behind it. perhaps this will teach them to recognize their own emotions and how to deal with them in the process.
does that make sense?
we are all learning about parenthood everyday. I don't think i go one day without learning something...about myself, about my children, about our relationships.
I thank God everyday for my boys and the priviledge of being their mom!

I haven't read all the replies in their entirety, but I just wanted to say, to remember to take care of yourself & if you feel your blood pressure rising & you're about to burst, take a moment & go into your room by yourself to pray, breathe, & regroup. Eat a healthy diet & take a good cal/mag supplement at night to help you get a good rest.
I only give this advice, b/c it's what someone gave me. I also grew up in a yelling family & it is a DAILY struggle for me. I find I'm at my worst when I haven't been taking care of myself though, or surrendered my anger or whathaveyou to God that day.

I haven't read all the replies in their entirety, but I just wanted to say, to remember to take care of yourself & if you feel your blood pressure rising & you're about to burst, take a moment & go into your room by yourself to pray, breathe, & regroup. Eat a healthy diet & take a good cal/mag supplement at night to help you get a good rest.
I only give this advice, b/c it's what someone gave me. I also grew up in a yelling family & it is a DAILY struggle for me. I find I'm at my worst when I haven't been taking care of myself though, or surrendered my anger or whathaveyou to God that day.

thank you for that reminder! we get caught up in our everyday lives, it's hard to remember that!