What do you do when your child will not do as you ask the first time or even the second time of asking them? I don't know if she is just into her playtime or just being plain old defiant.

Typically I will ask once nicely, then again less nice, finally in my "Mommy" voice I will ask one last time...at that point I will say "One, Two..." by this time, she has ALWAYS done what I have asked. I have NEVER, NEVER gotten to three, DS was the same way. She says that she knows that three means a spanking, but she has never gotten there...really, she would't know what a "real" spanking was if it walked in front of her, but she thinks she has been beaten if we speak to her in a very stern voice.

It likely that she is so wrapped up in playing that she really doesn't hear you. With ds I just get down to his eye level and repeat myself so I know he hears me. As far as out-right defiance, we really haven't come to that bridge yet because I think he's a little young to know that he is being defiant. Maybe just give her a warning like "Five more minutes until ___", and then if she doesn't follow through then offer to help her clean up so she can ___.

Typically I will ask once nicely, then again less nice, finally in my "Mommy" voice I will ask one last time...at that point I will say "One, Two..." by this time, she has ALWAYS done what I have asked. I have NEVER, NEVER gotten to three, DS was the same way. She says that she knows that three means a spanking, but she has never gotten there...really, she would't know what a "real" spanking was if it walked in front of her, but she thinks she has been beaten if we speak to her in a very stern voice.


This is what we do. But it is getting to the point where I get to three all the time. I end up having to either take away what she is playing with or send her to her room. (We don't spank at my house.) I just feel like she doesn't respect me. I know she is only three and if I am consistent it will all work out. I just have to trust that God is working through me to help me deal with each situation as it comes. It just seems like everything takes sooo long to get done around here. :roll:

I really can't say because mine was almost completely deaf at that age..She got alot of time outs and spankings before that was discovered though :cry:

I would say strike 3 you're in time out..I don't always hear what Dave is saying to me and several times I have to ask people to repeat themselves just because I get so focussed..

I don't know if she is just into her playtime or just being plain old defiant.

It may be a combination of both. I think you can teach her to learn to hear your voice even when she is busy, though. It will help her to eventually learn to hear God's voice above the distractions of the world. I also think that too many warnings send her the message that she doesn't have to obey yet. Kids are so smart (even toddlers). They can put it together that I don't have to obey until Mommy says "Three". (I'm not saying "never warn" because God warns us.)

This kind of thing is not only for them to learn to obey you (and the Lord), but also for their own safety. For example, there is an electrical outlet you don't want your children to touch. You need to teach them not to touch it and expect them not to touch it. The first time they touch it, there should be some kind of consequence. If you teach them to obey your voice in the small issues, then they will obey your voice in the more crucial issues. Sometimes, there isn't time for warnings.

Well, if you're talking about times when the child is in a room playing and you say it's time to put the toys away...then I ditto the 'warning' call. That has also helped my kids switch gears, like when leaving someone's house. We have a "5 more minutes" call. Which of course, means direct eye contact and a response. Then they have that 5 minutes to 'finish up' When the 5 minutes are almost up we remind them again..time is almost up, you need to be cleaning up now. Again, making eye contact and getting a response from them.

This, like all things, takes time, patience and consistency. Set aside a time for training to respond first time every time, no questions asked ;) Make a fun game out of it. Have her doing silly things...touching her toes, hopping from the couch to the table, stuff like that. With a big "yahoo" reward for obeying the first time. You could even instill a 'punishment' (I'm using that term loosely, couldn't think of another word..oh..penalty, yeah, that's what I was looking for) ... a penalty of sorts if she didn't obey the first time. Simply..'ut oh, you didn't obey the first time..that means you have to sit in X spot for 30 seconds, then we'll try again' And of course, she must be still and quiet in that spot. Then resume your game. Little things like that can help train a child.

And yes, they DO get absorbed in their play, but they must also be listening for mom and dad at all times. We shouldn't have to yell...unless they're in the basement playing the drums ;) And we shouldn't have to repeat ourselves. And certainly not with increasing intensity..that is only training them to wait until they hear that 'rise' to respond.

Set aside a time for training to respond first time every time, no questions asked Make a fun game out of it. Have her doing silly things...touching her toes, hopping from the couch to the table, stuff like that. With a big "yahoo" reward for obeying the first time. You could even instill a 'punishment' (I'm using that term loosely, couldn't think of another word..oh..penalty, yeah, that's what I was looking for) ... a penalty of sorts if she didn't obey the first time. Simply..'ut oh, you didn't obey the first time..that means you have to sit in X spot for 30 seconds, then we'll try again' And of course, she must be still and quiet in that spot. Then resume your game. Little things like that can help train a child.

I completely agree with this! These little drills helped us a lot!

Hmmm, never did a drill thing before! Sounds kinda like little kids basic training! :lol:

Anyhow what works great for me is counting down from 5. I'll say something like if you don't put your pants on in 5 seconds, then I'll do it, then count down. He almost always listens. Just remember to tell them the punishment before you start counting down. That way they're forewarned.

Sounds kinda like little kids basic training! :lol:

Yep, that's because little kids basically need to be trained. :wink:

Hmmm, never did a drill thing before! Sounds kinda like little kids basic training! :lol:

Anyhow what works great for me is counting down from 5. I'll say something like if you don't put your pants on in 5 seconds, then I'll do it, then count down. He almost always listens. Just remember to tell them the punishment before you start counting down. That way they're forewarned.

LOL! :lol:

I use this method too also, it works very well for us!!

I definitely agree with expecting obedience the first time. If the state has a rule that you can catch 5 trout and no more, then the state is encouraging, not outlawing trout fishing.

If a child knows that he can go "fishing" for trouble several times before punishment then that is encouraging that behavior. Before I had my DD, I babysat twins and unfortunately I had gotten into the habit of allowing then to disobey me multiple times before punishing them. Finally I had to crack down and punish them the 1st time. Also, I had to say my commands in a calm, level voice. I didn't want them to think that they only had to listen to me if I raised my voice.

Get right on top of it :wink: , DD tries this on all the time.

Whether she is playing or not it's no excuse for disrespecting you.

If DD ignores me I always make solid eyecontact the moment she ignores me and tell her right in her face in a calm voice to do as she's asked.

Also, I had to say my commands in a calm, level voice. I didn't want them to think that they only had to listen to me if I raised my voice.

This is very sharp, Ruth! :wink:

I also agree with saying the commands in a calm level voice.
It is very hard to decipher a "screetchy" yelling voice at the best of times and can bamboozle the child rather than help them understand what you want.