Okay, I think maybe I'm a failure as a mom!!! I have a 17 and a 13 year old that think they know it all. They feel I don't listen to them, that I don't hear anything they say. Yes, I know they are teenage girls, the attitudes are there, and the hormones are raging. To get them to help with anything around the house is like pulling teeth. I try really hard to listen to what they are saying, but there is no way I can remember what all 4 kids are saying to me, plus the stuff my husband tells me. I try to listen, respond, and then it goes on the back shelf. When they bring it up again, and I can't remember what they had said, then the accusations start. I feel like walking around with a tape recorder so I can play everything back. The girls are so secretive about stuff. I mean, I told my mom just about everything when I was growing up. She was my confidant. Why don't my girls trust me enough to talk with me? Anyone else going through this or is it just me?

Aww Joy! Bless your heart I hear your frustration : ( Mine are 9 and 12 so we aren't quite their yet, but I have already been accused of "not listening". I would try some one on one time with each child so you can give them undivided attention. Even if just one goes with you on errands, the car time can allow for conversation. Also, try to simplify things at home so you aren't competing with music, TV phones, etc. I love to coax my 12 yo dd out into our porch swing or into our garden for some weed pulling. It often turns into an unexpected time of her sharing her heart with me. Make sure that you are available throughout the day for them so that if they take a notion to talk you can listen. Hang in there!

I'd love to spend some one-on-one time, but lately I'm finding it hard to find time in the day for anything. Sometimes I feel like everyone is asking me for something and my head is spinning by the end of the day. Can we not get more hours in our day somehow?

I hear you! My day's fly by sometimes and I'm like "where did the day go?" If things are that crazy I would take inventory of all you are doing and say "no" to whatever you can, even church activities. Pray for God to provide some one on one time. Even if you can get one of your children to help you while you are cooking or doing laundry, or cleaning out a car. I'll be praying that God will show you ways to connect with your children.

Thanks for the advice. Appreciate it. What do you do when the "attitude" starts. My kids can get so lippy sometimes. I've tried taking away privileges and that works for awhile. But then the attitude starts again. It seems as if they always want something from me, but I never hear "thanks mom" when I do something for them, or they never offer to do something, but always have to be told to do it, and then I get the attitude again. I'm sorry . . . my kids are generally good kids. I make them sound like monsters. But I'm pulling my hair out over always getting the lip. Does that make sense?

Hi, Cheryle! First of all, welcome to the site! [hug]

I agree completely with KY that one on one time and being available are so important! [OK] I like taking my chicklets (the teens, too) out for one on one date nights with Mommy. [dance]

I believe it's vitally important to have a foundation of respect and obedience in place, and to stick to your boundaries with even the older kids. But, after that, I also think it's important to treat your older kids the way you'd like to be treated. For instance, you probably wouldn't hang out much with a friend who spoke down to you or rolled their eyes when you said something they disagreed with or thought was silly. We choose friends who are interested in us and show they enjoy being around us with their kind words and body language. And, we choose friends who are fun to be with. I'm not saying our number one role with our kids is to be their friends. I absolutely disagree with that. But, our kids want to be able to talk to and relate to someone, and if you'd like it to be you more than their peers, then we need to somehow be reachable to them, as well as being a safe place to fall. I think it's entirely possible to command respect while still being loving, compassionate, friendly, and open.

Ya know, I'm going to ask each one of my kids directly what makes a good mom and someone kids can talk to. We'll see what 'they' say. :mrgreen:

Courtney (11)...'One of the things that makes you a good mommy is you spend a lot of time with us. And... (waiting..lol).. you're really nice and sweet to us. Um.. I love that you're really generous. You tell me I'm good at a lot of things. You love all my drawings; even the ones I think aren't very good. You teach us how to be polite and caring, and that makes my friends like me better. You're an excellent teacher.. whatever you're teaching me, like school and about Jesus.. and all kinds of stuff that's important. Um.. that's all I can think of at the moment.'

Carissa (13)... 'Well, one thing I think makes you a good mom is that we can come to you with our problems and you can help us. I always feel better when I talk to you. Something else; you always tuck us into bed at night.. you always give us hugs and kisses...One thing that's good about you is that you try to think of ways to make our rooms cool and special. I love going shopping with you and out to lunch so we can talk about everything. I also like that you let me borrow your things, like clothes and makeup. '

Scotty (15)...'You are always very understanding. You take us places all the time. You correct me when I'm wrong without being mean about it. You're willing to homeschool us and most moms don't. You're supportive of our hobbies and act interested by asking questions. You tell me I'm smart when I feel like I'm acting stupid. You treat me like an adult, but you don't make me feel like I should already be grown up. You like, let me be a kid and an adult at the same time. I like that about you.'

Chloe' ( 8 )... 'Ummm-k.. you take us a lot of places and spend a lot of time with us. Ummm..heeheehee.. (giggling)... You say that I'm pretty and you hug me a lot.. and...(giggle)... you're pretty, too. You play puzzles with me.. and sew with me.. we make things together. You're really nice!'

There ya have it; straight from the horses' mouths. :lol:

Cheryle, I'm sure you're a fantastic mommy! It's a hard job, and self doubt just comes with the territory. Keep on loving and communicating, and your kids will always love you!!

Blessings, sister!

[lovesign]

Joy [welcomewave]

Sorry, Cheryle; I was typing my really long post while you were posting again with another question.

Okay, I actually asked my older kids again what they thought would work if they were being mouthy.

Scotty pointed out there may be a distinction between outright disrespect due to an overall disrespectful attitude, and your teens feeling frustrated. He said, if your teens are just feeling frustrated, they're probably feeling misunderstood or unheard. Listen with an open heart and validate where they're coming from... but, you can tell them nicely that you'll listen to anything they have to say as long as they say it in a calm and polite tone. Tell them there's nothing you can't work out together. He said, don't lower yourself to their level and start arguing with them. He's seen parents do that and they come across as immature, themselves.

And then he said, if your teen is just being outright disrespectful all the time, remove privileges (as you already stated) beginning with video games and t.v., or anything else you can turn on, like cell phones or iPods. (his exact words). :razz:

I would just add that keeping those lines of communication open and being someone your kids can trust to talk to, will help them to better deal with stress and make them less likely to feel grumpy with you. It's a good thing to be an ally to our kids when they're going through tough times. And, of course, make sure you and hubby are showing the kids by example how to communicate, even about stressful things. If disrespect isn't the 'norm' in the family, the kids will be more inclined to line up with what's familiar to them.
[loveflag]

Joy [welcomewave]

Aww Joy-Joy! Your posts always bless me. I love that you asked each one of your kidlets what makes you a good mommy. So sweet! I love all of their answers especially Scotty's:

You treat me like an adult, but you don't make me feel like I should already be grown up. You like, let me be a kid and an adult at the same time. I like that about you.

Thanks, dahling Becca! Love you, sweetheart! [heartbeat]

[loveyousparkles]

Joy-Joy [welcomewave]

Ouch!!! Respect, something that has been long lost in this house, sorry to say. I find it very difficult to talk to my husband (we are in counselling right now). Thanks so much for the advice and for asking your kids. I think I may do the same thing. May shock me what they say.

Don't go down to their level, eh? I should have read that a couple of hours ago. Here's the scenario. My older dd (17) does her own laundry. I thought I only had a couple loads to do, she needed to do laundry today. I got busy weeding the garden, told her she could take my clothes out of the dryer when they were done, take my clothes out of the washer and just put them in the basket so she could do her clothes while I was in the garden. When I came back in, I took her clothes out of the dryer because I thought they were dry. Then I put my wet clothes back in because who knows how long she'll be before she comes back to the laundry room. She threw an absolute hissy fit because I had done this and she couldn't finish her laundry and I should leave her clothes alone, etc. etc. We are talking about 30 minutes here that she would have to wait to dry her clothes. I know I shouldn't yell back and I really try not to lose it. But once they start yelling at me, and I start talking louder and louder until I'm yelling at them and the war is on. I'm just so tired of getting yipped at no matter what I do. I try to stay calm, but by the end of the day, I have had it. I think it's harder now because the kids are out of school, too. Maybe I'm just tired.

Aww JoyLynn - what an awesome post! That really blessed me this morning!
Joy - definately time to regroup. One thing I would start today, is quit giving in to your children. You may need to even let them know that you have made some mistakes, but the atmosphere of disrespect is going to stop.
When my daughter is disrespectful I do one of two things.
1) if she answers back to one of my questions "mouthy" I tell her "try again" and she answers me repectfully.
2) If she asks for anything to talks to me disrespectfully, I tell her that we will talk when she can change her tone and attitude but I won't be talked to that way.

And lastly, if I don't get cooperation from her with chores, family activities etc., Then I quit doing things for her for awhile (she doesn't drive yet, so this is a powerful tool)

My daughter takes horseback lessons, A few weeks ago she was moody and being disrespectful and not cooperating. I told her that since I didn't get much help that day and she had been disrespectful, I was not able to take her to hb lessons and I followed through.
I encourage you to not try to do all this on your own! You have a loving Father who knows your frustrations and wants to be right by your side and in the midst of your family as you try to raise your children.

Joy, you have recieved alot of really good advice already. I want to welcome you to cmoms too first of all! [welcomesign]

Now, the way I see it is like this. Things are a bit 'broken' in your home. You recognise it and want to make a change. That is an awesome place to start. I dont know how much you pray or spend time with the Lord but doing that and seeking his insight on this on a regular basis will work miricles, I promise. lol. Second is to realise that it may be just you making any effort to change but if you want to see change happen than you have to be the person to make those changes and persevere at it. You regret the argument you had with your dd about the laundry, thats a lesson for ya. You can learn from that and do things differently next time. There is always a next time when you are endeavouring to make changes. Decide that from this moment on you will make one change in how you relate to your children. Im aware of this with my own children, I have 9yo twin girls, already just prepubescent (sp?) and a 7 yo son. Ive been not spending time wth them so much lately for various reasons and yesterday night I promised them that I wouldnt do any housework after school, no tv and we will all just hang out and play, do wahtever they wanted. You could do something like that. I do think it is possible to change the dynamic in your home, Im always going on about it. Its possible.

ttfn

I have a 16 1/2 and a 13 yr old daughters. We recently battled the shift to extreme teen attitude. I made it very clear that being rude and snotty to me would get them absolutely nowhere. I pointed out that if they talked to their friends that way, they wouldn't have any, or a boss, they'd get fired. Whether or not they like or agree with me or what I'm saying is irrelevent. I'm the mom, therefore you will talk to me with respect. I followed the same line as kymommy, and withhold all priviledges if I am not treated with respect.

Thanks everyone for the great advice. I really, really appreciate your insight. Unfortunately Gen, I don't spend much time in devotions. Just find it hard to find quiet time to do it. Sometimes walk and pray, mostly pray just before bed as it relaxes me. However, I usually fall asleep. I asked my two middle kids the other day what makes a great mom. Their response was that I already was a great mom. Brought tears to my eyes as I felt so undeserving of that comment. I love my kids!

Joy

How are things going Joy? It's been awhile. Know that I am praying for you, I am hear for you just call. I don't have a large family, no teenagers but I know you and your family so I can understand some.

Don't give up, you are such a good mother. I know that times get so hard, gee I want to quit to..... but I keep on.

You love your kids so very much. They will look back and see this. You hang in thier.

Love you Chris

Thanks Chris. Appreciate it. You are such a good friend. You have stuck with me through thick and thin.