Teen boys and their fathers?

[Reneemomto5]

I have always been very close to my kids. Some things I insist hubby explains to the boys so as to not embarrass them, but this is very difficult for my husband.

My oldest son is very shy, hates to talk about anything he is 15.5 he understand things and never cares to ask further. But my almost 13 year old is very inquisitive, he asks tons of questions and hubby pretends he doesn't hear them. So I have been answering them gently. I don't mind I have no problems discussing anything with any of them.

BUT is this wrong. Should my hubby be in the picture more so to speak? Should I step back from their lives, personal and otherwise more? Is there an age a parent, mostly a mom should step back from a son and let them learn on their own? (not sexually, but sexually speaking) Is this a fathers only territory you think? But what if a father doesn't care, easily embarrassed for this role?

Hubby has books upon books about talking to his sons and well it hasn't made any difference. Hubby is close with the boys just doesn't handle personal questions or inquisitiveness very well.

Just looking for your thoughts ladies thanks

[JoyLynn]

Hi, wonderful friend! [hug]

I have to ask.. When is your oldest son's birthday? He and Scotty must be so close in age. Scotty's b-day is 11-20-92.

Anyway, I understand. Justin doesn't feel like he's great at explaining things, and then there's me, the world's worst Chatty-Cathy. :lol: When I ask Justin if he wants to field a sensitive question, he normally (well, more like always) turns it over to me. lol!

When it comes to the sex talks, we've had the major talks together, with me doing most of the talking. We tend to be a silly, joking family, so even these heavier conversations have a playful tone to them. I look to Justin to add to what I've said, and of course he knows he can jump in at any time. If he, at any point, wanted to take the reigns, I'd step back without hesitation, but I don't know if he's ever done that with these conversations.

The kids do all come to me with the 'embarrassing' stuff, and they know I'll talk it over with Daddy, later. So far, it's been a good system for us. I never want Justin to feel left out, so I make sure he's a part of the biggies, and I fill him in on the smaller (sometimes more embarrassing) stuff. I think it's a matter of going with each person's particular giftings, and, at the same time, not allowing division to occur between parents, even in the kids' eyes.

Oh, I should add that Justin prefers things this way. He likes having these talks together, with me doing most of the talking. He's a chicken! heehee!

[lovewuvu]

Joy [welcomewave]

[kallumwilkes]

I spent several years working with teenagers, and I know from personal experience, that if they don't get their questions answered from you, they will find out the answers somewhere, and the answers they get may or may not be right/true/good. In my opinion, you are best to keep open the lines of communication between yourself and your son. When he asks, answer. I know it is frustrating, and you would like your husband to take a more active role in talking to your sons, but if he doesn't, you are still their parent, and ultimately you want them to come to you when they have questions or concerns. Keeping the lines of communication open concerning sexual issues will also keep them open concerning drugs, alcohol, and other issues that teenagers grapple with experimenting.

[Reneemomto5]

Thank you so much Joy and Kimberlee!

Joy Bobby's birthday is December 25, 92 so yes very close in age! I love what you and your husband do with talks. But that is not my hubby. Actually if hubby does talk its in private and I respect that, usually short too. A couple years ago Leslie told me about a couple of wonderful video tapes discussing s*x on a Christian line and we absolutely love them, well I loved them. It opened so many doors to talk.

Anyway I gather from both of your responses staying close to my boys is okay, I won't damage them emotionally which is what I fear. Like I said I love our open communication and treasure it. I just don't want to smother either. I worry like so much in parenting and I just want to do each step right. With the Lord I know I can't do wrong but yet I worry.

Homeschooling as it is, I feel I am very in touch with the kids. They have few friends and have never been away from home with friends other than cousins. My boys are very close to me and home. And again I worry because they don't have that experimenting aspect in their lives, maybe too protective but its our life, its not on purpose.

So "bring on" the embarrassing stuff, that's fin with me.

Hugs gals and thanks!

[NZMummy]

Hi Renee! I think that it is so great that you feel comfortable being open with the kids about these things - this is how I try to be (and hope to continue to be as they grow older). I love answering the tricky questions for my son (at his 4 year old level of course). My mother was always like that with us (my brother and I) - and I think it is so important that those lines of communication remain open for both our sons and our daughters even as they grow into young adulthood. I think it really helped me in the way that I viewed sex and other personal issues through the tough teens and twenties.


Anyway I gather from both of your responses staying close to my boys is okay, I won't damage them emotionally which is what I fear. Like I said I love our open communication and treasure it. I just don't want to smother either. I worry like so much in parenting and I just want to do each step right. With the Lord I know I can't do wrong but yet I worry.

Homeschooling as it is, I feel I am very in touch with the kids. They have few friends and have never been away from home with friends other than cousins. My boys are very close to me and home. And again I worry because they don't have that experimenting aspect in their lives, maybe too protective but its our life, its not on purpose.


As far as letting the boys grow up and stepping back - I think that it is all about still being there to openly answer queries as they get older. You will not smother as long as you let them take the lead. If your dh is uncomfortable with these things you probably will not be able to change this dynamic - as it needs to be so relaxed and natural to convey the message that you want to your kids. But I see no harm in the mother being the one answering this type of question. There are probably less opportunities for discussing these things as they get older as they are less likely to come to you. I would just make the most of the opportunities at the stage they are at - just deal with the personal questions along with the tricky spiritual and academic questions that are sure to come. It is all part of training and nurturing our children while they are open to it.

[Reneemomto5]

Thanks Jo. I appreciate your thoughts, they mean a lot too. I like to see what others think-feel, that helps me balance parenting better as there is no one around/family to ask or go by for me. I could read books but I read books so much as it is reading every teen book seems impossible. It would probably cover some aspects of this in a book I'm sure.

But knowledge and experience from moms now means a lot no matter the ages of their children. Because each moms upbringing brings things into play as you mentioned Jo being close to your mom. I value that feedback.

So thanks friend!

[luvmy4sons]

I guess maybe because I am a nurse...I talk quite openly and frankly with my sons about EVERYTHING! I asked hubby about doing some of the "sex" talks with the guys when they got older, thinking they would be more comfortable. My husband is the definition of laid back. He told me once, "My parents never told me anything. I figured it out and am okay." So that would be his approach. He told me I could talk to them if I wanted, and I can tell he appreciates that I do. I tell him about our talks. He laughs at times at some of the things they have said.

Spiritual matters are discussed daily with me as part of our home school. Sometimes hubby will do a little here and there but nothing regular and consistent that I would call training. That is what I wanted for my sons to be trained up. So with hubby's blessing I have done that. So, consequently I am the one that is often the one talking to them.

I did find out that my 16 year old had a talk with hubby on the way home from taking his girlfriend home. Hubby told me about it and I was VERY glad that they had it. I think hubby does it more spontaneously as he sees need...and he doesn't see need as often as I do! LOL!

Every family dynamic is different. I have learned many, many times that my hubby's laid back way is GOOD...and often the better route than my take it head on attitude. It has taken some time. BUT my BOYS LOVE their dad...and I know they would go to either him or me if they had need.

[Reneemomto5]

Leslie, I should have read this before the other thread because I wrote how laid back MY hubby is. So interesting we seem matched the same as you and your husband.

I agree so many families dynamics are different. I like getting others feel of things and put them together so to speak and use what applies. I am happy to read its okay for the mom to take the lead in many areas regarding our sons. I just always worried about the gender different too much, and that doesn't apply so much in parenting.

I find my roles as you described, from teaching my boys manners, faith, or older boy issues.

God will provide. And yes I think if my boys wanted to really discuss something and didn't feel comfortable coming to me they would go to their Dad. But they tend to gravitate to me and I am perfectly fine with that and it appears hubby is too.

I tell hubby sometimes my discussions with the boys and he laughs saying "glad you dealt with that and not me, how could you say that!" But I find it fairly easy to discuss anything with the children.

Thanks again Leslie

[Madre]

We have found that sometimes "side by side" conversations work better than face to face. We discuss a topic while driving or walking. It's less confrontational and let's someone maybe have some time working with emotions that may appear on the face. If there is a serious discussion, of course, that has to be met head on.