Uncomfortable Conversation...

[JRBL]

So, my daughter's teacher is turning 26 on Saturday, and I got asked by DD, "How come Miss M. is skinny and you are fat?" She's turning 26, which is MY age, so we should be the same size, right? My jaw DID drop, but I quickly reminded myself that DD is SIX years old and CLUELESS about tact.

She notices that I'm a little confused and miffed and says, "Well, you're not fat... but her arms are like this, and how come yours are like this?" -doing hand motions to put into visual perspective the difference-.... I had NO idea what to say... my mind was reeling... I felt hurt and I felt even bigger than I felt already. ::sigh::

Hubby steps in and notices what's going on, I'm sitting there kind of hurt and confused as to what to say, so he sends DD into the other room for me to collect my thoughts on what BEST to say... Once my brain has slowed down I go in and talk to her...

"Everybody's different and everyone's *BODY* is different. Miss M. is a lot shorter than me and a lot 'smaller'-petite than me, she doesn't have any kids, and she's also not very pregnant like I am right now. When you call someone 'fat' it hurts their feelings, even though I know that's not what you were trying to do, it does still hurt. You know how you are tall and skinny and Helen (other dd) is shorter and has more 'fat' than you? It doesn't mean she's *FAT* it just means she's not built 'like you'. Pointing out someone's 'fat' only draws attention to something that they are probably sensitive about and it isn't very nice."

Thus concluding the most uncomfortable conversation I think I've ever had with my daughter. She seemed to "get" it that saying someone was fat, even if you aren't calling them "fat" but "fatter" than a skinny person, it still isn't nice.

How would *YOU* have handled this, moms?? I don't consider myself a morbidly obese person, but I *KNOW* I'm not thin... I'm not in denial... so, trying to put my personal little sting aside, I tried to give her helpful advice. Whatcha think?

[kim]

First off, let me just say that you are looking absolutely fabulous! I was looking at your TN pics earlier today and that was my genuine first thought! :D

Second, yes, your dd is at that age where she still doesn't understand some social graces, and its unfortunate that the lesson had to come at the expense of your feelings. That said, I think you handled it well. Anyone would be thrown for a loop to have a question like that thrown at them, nevermind when you are pregnant and just that much more aware of your weight and appearance. (I'm the same way!) Kids need to have these things explained to them - how else are they going to learn?

((Hugs)) Mama! Some days are hard, but you just keep on keepin' on. You're doing great!

[gen]

I think you handled it pretty well. When I was 12,yes 12, I said told my mom that she reminded me of Rosanne Arnold (dont know what she's called now). And when I was about the same age, I was a bit chubbier and I said to my mom 'I get my double chin from you, dont I?' She says 'NO, You get it from you!'. And nothing more was said. Im not sure I got much better with tact as I got older either. lol. I think this will be one of many many uncomfortable conversations you have with your children. I have stretch marks like you wouldnt believe and my tummy looks horrible now. Sophie likes to remind my that it looks horrible when I reach to get something high up or when im laying down and my tummy shows a bit. Its so stretchy it just goes everywhere, lol. roflmbo!!! She's nine and Im not bothered too much about it. Its kind of her fault being a twin and all. lol.

You handled it great tho. I think in a few years you might look back and laugh. I also think its a good thing to teach them tact and stuff like that.

[LadyLavender]

I think you did marvelously. And EVERY TIME I see a picture of you I think how gorgeous you are. EVERY TIME.

I had to have a similar conversation with my daughter not too long ago....the only thing I added (that you might want to work into a conversation with Emma) is......not pointing out someone's differences (fat or otherwise) unless it's a compliment. Because I don't think it's just an issue of the word fat- I know thin people who hate it when they hear, "Wow, you're so skinny."

Other examples......not saying, "Why is your hair so curly?" but saying, "Wow, I really like your curly hair." We never know what issues someone might be sensitive about, so phrasing any commentary in a positive way is a plus.

I feel like I didn't explain that very well. Do you know what I mean? :)

Hope that helps!

[loveyou]

[~Tara~]

Aww sweetie....you're gorgeous! Absolutely gorgeous!
And yes...she's 6 :p
And..I think you handled it pretty well.
Annnnnnnnnnd...ditto LL's comment about 'redirecting' in a way..to make positive statements when noting differences. Kids are going to notice difference, no doubt about that. And they don't come by the grace and tact naturally, it is taught and learned. Try to encourage what LL said to keep it all in a positive light. "Yes, we ARE all different" as you said. Reminding that God made each one of us different and special...isn't that wonderful? How boring it would be if we all looked the same. Blah. Not to mention confusing hehe

Don't take it personally sweetie. I know that's the knee jerk response. But you also know she didn't mean any harm. She just didn't *know*

I think you did fine in what you said to her already.

And in the future, maybe you could practice stuff like LL said...you, yourself, pointing out differences, such as the curly hair or shorter stature..whatever..just saying it in a positive light "oh look at that girl over there with the super curly hair, isn't it gorgeous? she looks adorable!!" Just..whatever..something like that...I think you get the idea.

:)

[gamommyto4girls]

I think you handled it very well! I remember being pregnant with #3 and my oldest dd (then almost 6) did not want me to walk her into her K class one day. When I asked her why she said that my maternity overalls made me look like a brown Barney (this was 6 years ago when Barney was big). I was only a few weeks from delivering and those brown corduroy overalls were like the only thing that was truly comfy anymore. It hurt! So, I concur with the others that this will happen from time to time and if it's not weight it's something else like your gray hair, wrinkles, lack of general 'coolness' etc.

It's so important to me that my girls not be body obsessed and tolerate other peoples differences, but it's tricky to get them to that point in my experience. I've spoken with the girls about people's 'bones' being different sizes they seemed to get that more than small framed/large framed, and encouraged them to try to look past the outside to a person's heart. Easier said than done of course. I've figured out what my own girls' favorite and least favorite things about themselves our so I also point out to them how they feel when someone says_________ to them. That usually turns the light bulb on!

Everyone's thoughts were great, but I thought LL's way of instructing them to phrase a comment was awesome. Will have to use that myself!

Finally, I saw your trip pictures and you are both a beautiful woman AND a beautiful pregnant woman!

Finally,

[PianoMama]

I think what you said makes sense to me. First thing I thought was, in a way I'm glad this conversation happened at home and not out and/or directed toward a friend or stranger.

[JRBL]

You all have very good points, thank you! LL, that tip is a great idea! Kids DO notice differences, it's what they are REALLY good at! :) I think that's really helpful to allow them to "voice" those differences, but in a positive way... good idea~

I'm also glad this happened *to me* and *at home* and not to someone who would be much more sensitive. It "stung" but I can honestly say that after that initial "nose out of joint" feeling, I'm able to laugh about it... seeing as Miss M. *looks* about 15 and well... I *look* like a mom... a very typical mom. ;)

I think it bugged hub more than anything, and only because he worries about my self-image already, since I tend to be on the low side of the self esteem front. But, you girls did a fabulous job of boosting that up for me today, so thanks. ;) Honestly though... I think the only reason it "stung" was because i'm pregnant, and already feel "big" and it just caught me off guard, know what I mean? Anywho! I appreciate you all sharing your thoughts and feelings and advice!! Love ya gals!!

[~Tara~]

yuh, totally...darn those pg hormones anyway huh? :snort:
Kids are good with that timing stuff too eh? LOL

[LadyLavender]

I'll throw in a freebie at my own expense to make you feel better, Jen....

I was exercising one day, which of course I always tell my daughter is "so Mommy can be healthy." So she's listening to me do one of my Leslie Sansone videos and hears Leslie say something about burning fat. My daughter gets this genuinely puzzled look on her face and says, "Mama, you don't need to do any fat-burning! You have lots of fat!"

[rofl]

[serenityhomestead]

No advice, but sending you hugs!

[Timmys mom]

You did a great job, and you are gorgeous!! It's tough to be compared to skinny little people when your pregnant. I still remember having a hard time being around all my thin sisters when I was 8 or 9 months. It made me feel so huge, or just after I'd given birth and had all the giggly skin hanging there... yuck!!

It's best she learns now what not to say! I remember some kid asking me why I had all those red things on my face when I was a teen and battling acne.. it was so embarrassing, I just about died. I don't think I even replied.

So yeah, just be thankful you have flawless complexion... hehehe

Oh and I can relate about the stretch marks Gen, I am still super sensitive about my tummy. Timmy likes to play with it, he thinks it's funny... *rolls eyes*

[JRBL]

I haven't always had a "flawless" complexion! I go through bouts of having (can't remember the term) but the deep growing acne that scars your face... I have it, my oldest sister and my brother have it... we get it EVERYWHERE... I hated wearing tank tops, bathing suits anything that showed any amount of skin. I wore pancake make up for quite a few years, trying to cover it up. I have a lot of scarring from it now which still gets questions from the kids, "What's that boo boo from mommy?"

I've always had dark hair on my upper lip too, which has always gotten snide comments from kids and even my peers... ugh... I've DEFINITELY had my fair share of humiliating comments and experiences, but I never expected it from one of my own kiddos... especially my Little Miss Sensitive who cries when OTHER people get hurt, and cries WITH me when I'm emotional... so, it was just a huge shocker. :)

Having children is just one big adventure, I'd say... we get to experience those hurtful things from school age all over again... only, I at least know that DD was NOT trying to hurt my feelings, she was just totally oblivious. :) This sure has made for an interesting thread!! Thanks for sharing so much gals!!