Okay...here is my situation...my parents are divorced and my dad is remarried...I am not close to my step mother and I call her by her first name...it is always "Dad and Elsie". However, whenever we get cards from them for the grandkids or they talk to the grandkids they say "Grandpa and Grandma Converse".

I am not comfortable with Elsie being called Grandma Converse for a couple of reasons I won't go into here but do feel that my children should not refer to her as "Elsie" eitehr...she is my father's wife and should have some respect given her for simply that reason...but I don't feel "grandma" should be a title she should carry!

SO...what do you call those that have the role of "grandma" in your family?

my mom is Nana and my MIL is Grandma.

Maybe have your kids call her Ms. Elsie?

I call my in-laws by their first names, but they sign their cards (Christmas, Easter) to dh and me, "Mom and Dad". Interesting...

Sorry, no help here because we call all the grandparents, grandma or grandpa, regardless of step status. (My Dh's parents's are divorced)

But Kate's suggestions sounded like they might work!

Oh, forgot one detail....my Step MIL is referred to as "Grandma Judy" instead of just plain "Grandma." And any grandparent whether step or not, is referred to like that if needed to distinguish them from another grandparent.

Yeah, regardless of step status it's typically grandma, but you can get around that by calling her something like grannie, or nana, or grammie. Especially, if they already have another grandma and you don't want them to get confused. or just Mrs Converse, although that sounds rather formal.

Growing up, I always called my g-parents by "Grandma/pa ____" last name. Both sides. Only exception was my paternal g-pa had remarried. I had never known he and my g-ma to BE married, but anywho..his wife was called "Grandma ____" FIRST name.

Now, my and hub's family is so...uh..dysfunctional and separated..never knowing from one minute to the next if g-ma would have the same last name as last time you saw her...g-mas each go by grandma first name. And the g-pas go by grandpa last name. Hub grew up doing the g-ma/pa last name just as I did. Our kids haven't been around their g-pas much anyway (only met hub's dad once, mine only a handful of times before he passed last year) so g-pa last name fit into that well. They just weren't close. They have slightly closer relationships with g-mas and g-ma first name seems to fit that well. The G-parent first name also applies to hub's step dad, though they haven't much contact with him either.

(like I said, rather separated/dysfunctional family on both sides LOL)

I would think, in the OP's case, g-ma first name would be perfectly acceptable. Although, I do understand having 'reasons' for not thinking a person is worthy of the title 'g-parent'. That would apply to us with hub's step dad.

My dad's wives (yes, he's been through more than one since my mom, I TOLD you 'dysfunctional' (and lost at the time)) were only ever referred to by their first name. But that was only in letters/cards. My kids never met either of his wives until last year when the kids and I went up when he died. He never referred to them as anything but. So, that's where things were easier for me. I'm not sure what I would have done in your situation where 'they' are referring to her as g-ma..where that is being pushed upon you.

But still...I think g-ma first name is 'acceptable'...but if the g-ma part is a BIG hang up for you, then, I dunno *shrug*

Cuz any variation of grandma seems even closer and more intimate...ie granny/grammy/memaw or whatever..IMO anyway.

Sorry.

Looks like all I did was ramble LOL

My kids have Granny, Grandma and Nana (great-grandmother). For other ideas you could look through the following webpage to see if it gives you any ideas: http://www.namenerds.com/uucn/granny.html.

My mom is Nana and MIL is Mama Brown

We consider all step-moms as grandmas. Everyone is Grandma ______ (insert first name).

My dad just recently remarried but the kids call Kathy(my new step-mom) Grandma Kathy. We don't see them very often and she did sign the kid's Christmas cards Grandpa & Kathy - this was the first holiday since their wedding.

Names don't have much special meaning to us. My kids have learned to refer to whoever in our family by the names we ask them to use. My mom's term of grandma means the same with whoever we use it with, but their relationship with my mom is different from all the other grandmas. In our family just because they are all called grandma doesn't make them equal, its the relationship they have with each that makes it special.

....sorry that probably wasn't much help.

Thanks to everyone for your replies...

I guess I don't really have a problem with her being called Grandma as much as the Grandma Converse issue because I was VERY close to MY Grandma Converse and I don't feel that Elsie measures up to being called anything close to my Grandma Converse...it just seems WRONG! I realize that is my issue but I just can't do it...there will only be ONE Grandma Converse in my life and Elsie is NOT it!

I guess that is why I was looking for something else...like I said in the original post, I think she does deserve to be respected by my children as Grandpa's wife although she doesn't really fill the role of grandma...she is still grandpa's wife...

I appreciate everyone's input...I'll keep looking for alternative ways to call someone Grandma without using Grandma specifically...

Maybe they signed the card "Grandpa and Grandma Converse" because they didn't know how else to sign it? Perhaps "Grandpa and Elsie" seemed awkward to them, too, so they opted for "Grandpa and Grandma". What do your kids call Elsie now? If they call her "Grandma", will that be awkward for that to change now? Would it be uncomfortable for you to talk to your dad about it, explain your feelings of affection for your grandma (without being negative about your step-mom to him), and, perhaps, come up with a solution with him?

thanks Madre.. that is exactly why I wanted to deal with it now...previously my children only saw her once a year and we actually got away with them not addressing her specifically because they were too young...now Abigail is getting older and this last visit was awkward because Abigail didn't know what to call her and so she addressed Elsie as "her"...she did this with others she didn't know as well so it was dismissed but there is a good chance we will be seeing them more often in the near future and I wanted to address this before it caused problems for anyone. I think that I probably should talk to my dad and see what he thinks...Elsie's grandkids call my dad "papa" so I think they would be open to my kids calling Elsie something other then Grandma and like you said, they may have been using the grandma because they didn't know what else to use...thanks again...you made it seem alot clearer as to what the next step should be.

What about just Grandma Elsie?

My kids nicked named my mom "me-ma", she had intended to be a "nana" like her own mom has been, but my first dd couldn't quite pronounce it and it stuck. MIL is a grandma. My dh had a "gram" and a "memere". I would try to come up with a different term for her if that's what your more comfortable with. There is literally not a single divorce on dh's side of the family, but I have a step father myself, so my kids do have three grandfathers. They call my mom's husband "pe-pa" as it seems to rhyme with "me-ma" I guess. My dad and dh's dad are Grandpa_____ and Grandpa __________. They don't use the last names when speaking personally with them. We use them more at home in conversation as a way of being specific.

I grew up in an ethnically diverse area and many of my friends had grandparents with all different names, usually drawn from their native language. Not sure of the nationality of your step mother but maybe there is a term you both might like.

We call my mom Nana and my dh mom is Mimi. I also am in a similar situation as yours. My parents are divorced (my mom had remarried back in the 80's but my stepdad passed away in 05). I do not have a good relationship with my dad and his wife. I call her by her name Lorrie but they sign cards and stuff to my children grandma and grandpa....funny thing is my kids dont have a clue as to who they are. They have seen my children probably a total of 6 times since they were born....so it is not a situation I have to worry about.

thanks Madre.. that is exactly why I wanted to deal with it now...previously my children only saw her once a year and we actually got away with them not addressing her specifically because they were too young...now Abigail is getting older and this last visit was awkward because Abigail didn't know what to call her and so she addressed Elsie as "her"...she did this with others she didn't know as well so it was dismissed but there is a good chance we will be seeing them more often in the near future and I wanted to address this before it caused problems for anyone. I think that I probably should talk to my dad and see what he thinks...Elsie's grandkids call my dad "papa" so I think they would be open to my kids calling Elsie something other then Grandma and like you said, they may have been using the grandma because they didn't know what else to use...thanks again...you made it seem alot clearer as to what the next step should be.

What do your kids feel comfortable calling her? Do they feel like she's a "grandma"? Because really, the term Grandma is relating to the kids, and not us as parents, though it doesn't feel right to us sometimes.

In my sitch, my Grandpa died like 12 years ago, and my Grandma started seeing another guy shortly afterwards. They aren't married, but they do live together (which I can tell you was a BIG shock to us all, because we never expected that...not in a million years). So we all call him by his first name. That's what he preferred, and its a much more casual sitch than a MR. would be appropriate for here in our geog. area.

With my sons, I refer to them as Grandma first name(because that's our grandparent tradition, first names) and Guy's first name. I never told our DS#1 what to call him, and honestly, kids don't usually need names in those sitch's anyway, and lo and behold, last spring, DS#1 starts calling him Grandpa when he needed to address him by name. It twinged a bit with me considering the sitch, but you know what, I'm glad he did it. I'm glad he realized that Grandma's boyfriend is here to stay and that he used that term with him. Do I feel he deserves it per say? Not really, because I always thought my Grandpa would be my kids' great -grandpa. I hadn't planned on Grandma finding a long term boyfriend, and he's kind of crotchety too. However, I certainly am not going to stop my son from making him into a Grandpa if he wants too. Maybe it will help soften the guy up a bit. Only good can come of it.

So, long story short, I think that even though it makes you cringe a little, that in the long run, the term Grandma relates to how your kids view this lady, not you. If using the last name bothers you, ask them if the kids can call her Grandma and her first name. Remember, you can't have too many Grandmas when you're a little kid, and your kids get the benefit of having an extra one.

My kids call my parents grandma and tata. And my dh's parents abuielta and grandpa. Which are pretty much grandma and grandpa in english and in spanish. But i would call my grandparents mama and papa and include their first name with that. Maybe you could do that. And come to think of it we always called my stepgrandma by her first name. We weren't taught any other way and nobody seemed to mind.

Well, if she has any German ancestry, your kids could call her Oma (Ah-Ma or Oh-Ma). I called my Irish Grandma Nana.

My kids have three sets of GPs due to my parent's divorce. My Dad and Step Mom are "Grandma [first name] and Grandpa [first name]". My Mother in law is "Grandma [last name]" or "Gram in the Big Woods" (give you one guess where she lives, lol.) And my Mom and step dad are "Grandma and Grandpa Squali" (not their last name, lol. It's kind of a funny story - Al, my SD, was visiting over a year ago and was calling the kids Pasqualli. After they left, Charlotte was saying her bedtime prayers and thanked God for Grandpa 'Squali. It stuck and since they don't mind being called that, that's what the kids call them.

I don't know what the situation is with your Step Mom, but perhaps if given the chance, she'll be a great Grandma, despite your situation with her. If calling her Grandma Converse is painful for you, then by all means suggest an alternative to her and explain why you would like your children to call her something else (if you involve her in this process, then everyone will be happy.) Good luck!!

THanks for all the posts...

I talked with my dad yesterday and he said he'd think about the best way to go about it and let me know. I hadn't considered that my sister's kids already call her Grandma Converse and it would just be confusing when we all get together...which was something he brought up...

I am going to just leave it be at the moment and wait to hear back from him. It may be that I just deal with the issue myself and let me kids call her Grandma Converse...knowing that she isn't replacing or competing with anyone....just that she is Grandma Converse.

THanks again. Melanie

My niece calls my BIL's stepmom "Grandma Mary". Still gives her respect. They believe "Grandma F" is reserved for my BIL's Mom only (she is deceased). HTH. ~Kerri

I have a real hard time with my kids' paternal grandmother as neither she nor their dad has anything to do with them, excpet on rare ocassion. I say Grandma ______, her first name. And her boyfriend is Poppa to all the other kids so I say Poppa _______, his first name. For the once in a great blue mooon that we see them, this works. And, excpet for this year, I have always sent Christmas cards, and addressed them that way. My parents are just grammy and grandpa, the only set that my kids actually know. Maybe the first name in place of the treasured last name woud work for you? It seems it is her/them that want to be referred to as grandparents. Are you confortable enough with your grandpa to say something to him? I agree that invliving them/her in the process and being honest about your feelings will make it easier for everyone.

I hadn't considered that my sister's kids already call her Grandma Converse and it would just be confusing when we all get together...which was something he brought up...

Melanie, I don't think this should make any difference really. I know grandchildren from different families who had different names for the same grandparent. It's kinda like I call my mom "Mom" and my son calls her "Nana". Same person, different name.

Thanks Kate - I agree but apparently some people are more sensitive to this then I thought!

Well the issue is over...my dad called my sister and my sister called me...(can you tell where this is going?)

I didn't want it to be an issue for everyone else...I just wanted to see if we could use an alternative name...basically I was told that I shouldn't put my issues on my children and that since my sister's kids all call her Grandma Converse that I should just deal with my own issues and let my kids be kids and call Elsie whatever comes naturally to them with encouragement of being Grandma Converse.

It is not worth getting the whole family in an uproar...I am a big enough person to just deal...I'll call her Elsie and let my kids call her whatever they come up with on their own as time goes by...

I just hope Abi and Nate don't say "there is no Grandma Converse" in front of Elsie...I did sit down and talk to them about the fact that Elsie is married to Grandpa Converse so that makes her Grandma...so hopefully by the time they see her again, they will understand this better.

Again...thanks for all the input...

It will work out.[hug]