Finding myself with an unusual situation on my hands tonight - not completely sure what the right course of action is. Quick bit of history so this will all make more sense....I have lived on the opposite side of the country from all my family for almost 3 years now. Before that, contact with my dad's side of the family was sporadic at best. I am a good 8-10 years or more older than most of my cousins, so even when we did have family gatherings we were not really able to create close relationships. (Besides that, my dad's idea of a family gathering is everyone going to some restaurant and then you talk only to the 3 or 4 people around you. Which usually ends up being my siblings or their spouses.)

Anyhow, I am on facebook. Occasionally I do people searches to see if I have any family members on there that I didn't know about. So anyway, tonight I found one of my cousins. I really don't know exactly how old she is. But by my best guess, she can't be older than 15. Possibly younger. First thing that struck me was that her profile was public. (mine is private) So ANYONE can look at her personal info, pictures, etc. Second thing that struck me (and even more bothersome) is that her profile states that she was born in 1988, making her almost 20. Her picture is a profile shot of her face with her hair covering most of it, and her bare shoulder with only a spaghetti strap showing. I won't even go into all the inappropriate applications she has on her profile. It is just making me sick to my stomach to think of this young girl putting herself out there on the internet like that.

And of course, I can't get a hold of any family members that could give me answers to my questions. Like how old is she anyway?? Even if she is older than I thought, her profile content still makes me cringe. I'm not sure I should "rat her out". And I don't have any kind of relationship with her to email her and make any kind of suggestions. (even if it was just to suggest she change her privacy settings).

Any thoughts on what I should do?

Not sure how ratting her out is going to help her other than just postponing the rebellion until she leaves her parents' house (when then it can become 100x worse). Is she saved and just backsliding, or is she unsaved? Because really, we ought not to be surprised when unsaved people act like, uh, unsaved people. Have you tried to contact her directly (in a loving way?) and find out what's going on in her life? (meaning build a relationship not just holler at her for having inappropriate things on her profile. I would ignore that issue at first, honestly.)

I know. That is exactly why I don't want to just rat her out. My family is Roman Catholic, but more in the sense of "we're Catholic because we grew up that way". I would have to say the only family member I am sure is saved (that is RC) is my brother. I would venture to say that my Uncle doesn't even take the girls to church. And no, I don't just want to get mad at her about things in her profile. I would say my biggest and most pressing concern is that her profile is public. At least if it were private, she would have to give permission for people to see it, kwim? As a parent I just know if it were my daughter, I would want to know. And she is family, whether I have an active relationship with her or not. I think I just may send her an email asking to be added to her "friend" list and go from there. *shrug*

Sadly thats what most young girls profiles look like today... made me think of my little sister actually. She's 20 and the bare shoulder, hair in face thing could have easily been one of her pictures. She has a steady boyfriend, and she is still sweet and innocent, but for some reason young girls think they should look like that to be beautiful.. it's ridiculous. Anyway, go ahead and friend her, it'll be nice to get to know her. And try not to worry about it. Most girls aren't aware that their pictures are inappropriate, or how it will make guys feel. They just think they look cute.

Yeah, you are probably right, Chrissy. I hope you are. (But knowing my Uncle and the kinds of women he dated for many years after he divorced, I also know what kinds of examples she was provided with...) I think the intial shock of seeing all that just really threw me off balance. I did add her to my friend list. And I am going to find out how old she really is. Other than that, I think I'm just going to leave it be for now.

I agree with Chrissy and Cheeseburger...

I would try to start a positive relationship... from what you describe she needs a positive, Christian role model in her life :)

and pray for her to come into relationship with Jesus.

Chiming in to say I agree with trying to build a relationship with her. I have seen some things on my neices' and their freinds pages that are similar, but honestly, at least one of them seems to have toned hers down since I have been on there. You could send her a message and ask if she realized her profile was public. One of my good friends is 29 years old and didn't know how to set hers to private! Try not to make assumptions.judgements of her, especially since she is so young. I built a pretty good relationship with one of my neices when she lived across the country, mostly on myspace, so it can be a good thing.

Yeah, you are probably right, Chrissy. I hope you are. (But knowing my Uncle and the kinds of women he dated for many years after he divorced, I also know what kinds of examples she was provided with...) I think the intial shock of seeing all that just really threw me off balance. I did add her to my friend list. And I am going to find out how old she really is. Other than that, I think I'm just going to leave it be for now.
If you do find out that she's under age, then maybe you should consider alerting her parents to her profile. Not in an effort to rat her out, but because of the fact that a public profile like that is SO NOT SAFE for a teenager. I remember being that age, you think you really ARE as smart as your parents. You honestly think you would know if you met someone and they were a creep. You don't think anything bad will ever happen to you, because you think you're smarter than that. You really believe you know everything you'll ever need to know already.

You would hate for her to chat with some creep online and actually go meet him in person because she thought he was a boy her own age....

So anyway, I agree that it makes sense to develop a relationship with her, but you should consider letting her parents know about her profile, even you do it anonymously by sending a link to her profile to them...assuming that her parents would look into it of course and understand how unsafe a public profile like that is for a teenage girl....

Did you know if her parents or other siblings are on her friends list? Which in that case they may already know what her profile looks like...

Did you know if her parents or other siblings are on her friends list? Which in that case they may already know what her profile looks like...

Good Point! At least then you'd know she had some supervision and that someone was watching out for her...

Thanks ladies, for your thoughts. I did talk to my dad about the situation, asking him some questions about this cousin and her sister (only a year or two older). I have confirmed that she is only in jr high (gr 7 or 8 probably, although my dad wasn't completely sure.) From what my dad knows of her, the fact that her age is listed as 19 is most likely NOT a mistake. sigh. So sad. After talking to my dad, because of her age we didn't feel it was safe to leave things be. We decided to have one of my other cousins (who is 24 and who she does have a relationship with) talk to her about changing her profile to private. As for 'supervision' on there by her sister or a parent, I don't think her sister would be an appropriate person to fill that role. I haven't found her profile yet (I will add her too if I find her) but I suspect she has some issues of her own. And her parents are not on there. But maybe they should be....that is a good suggestion.

Hi Kim,
As a parent I always want to know what my kids are up to, but especially on-line. We have made it a rule in our home that the computer is an open book. No privacy whatsoever. No matter what anyone thinks the internet is not private anyway. I check on my kids profiles etc, and in turn see their friends things too. Some of the stuff these kids say/do/post is so scary! I have told parents about pics and such. Most are appreciative and are glad they know. A small few however have thought I was nuts, and didn't see a problem with what the kids are doing. (I am afraid for those kids) You have to go with your convictions, but even if they react badly, most parents are thankful to know what their kids are doing, especially if it is unsafe.

Thanks Traci. This situation definitely isn't sitting right with me. Hard to do much when I am on the other side of the country though, so maybe it will have to wait until May. We'll see. But I haven't ruled out telling my Uncle yet. Depends on how things go from here.