My dd can't get over her jealousy for her brother!

[mamallama]

My three-year-old daughter just can't seem to get over her jealousy for her ten-month-old brother. She literally says, "Mama, I jealous of brodder." [cry]

I always spend special time with her only throughout the day and try not to make a big fuss over ds when she is around. They share everything and they have a good, predictable daily schedule. I've even mentioned that there are so many things that she gets to do because she is a Big Girl and brother can't do them because he is a baby. Nothing seems to help.

This morning she was even crawling around on the floor with a car making baby noises to try to get my attention. :roll:

Any suggestions please?

[justmeNmine]

Awww, I feel so bad for her... It is great that you're offering positive reinforcement and special big girl time! What do you do when she acts out with age-inappropriate behavior? Given the description of what's going on, I feel cruel saying it, but I hope you totally ignore such behavior. There are times when my son will "act like a baby" and I completely ignore him. When he switches his behavior to a more age-appropriate level I always say something like "oh, there's my big boy, where you asking me for something?" It is so much more challenging to balance two of their needs than when there was just one...

[mamallama]

That's exactly what I do, Andrea! Not cruel at all. When I saw her doing that this morning I just completely ignored her and she started trying to crawl between my legs. (I almost wanted to laugh! But I restrained myself! :mrgreen:) I just stepped over her and went about my daily business.

[justmeNmine]

Hmmm, well you have me stumped- it seems like you're doing everything that I have heard of doing to curb jealousy in older siblings... one more thought to throw out there... I have noticed sometimes people will give the baby lots of attention - not me, but family members, even stragners at the grocery store and my son is like - what about me? Or sometimes overprotectiveness of the little one can perpetuate jealousy... I am confident that you already know this stuff, I just can't think of why she would continue to exhibit jealousy- [whatscratchinghead] I'll be curious to see if anyone else has any suggestions.

[Godzgirl]

Hmmm, well you have me stumped- it seems like you're doing everything that I have heard of doing to curb jealousy in older siblings... one more thought to throw out there... I have noticed sometimes people will give the baby lots of attention - not me, but family members, even stragners at the grocery store and my son is like - what about me? Or sometimes overprotectiveness of the little one can perpetuate jealousy... I am confident that you already know this stuff, I just can't think of why she would continue to exhibit jealousy- [whatscratchinghead] I'll be curious to see if anyone else has any suggestions.

I was thinking the same thing Andrea. Others may not be giving her much attention as they give her brother and she could be jealous about that.
Mamatotwo777 have you tried asking your daughter what exactly she is jealous about? Like what is it about her brother that makes her jealous.

[mamallama]

Yes. I have asked her. But she doesn't really offer a direct answer. She will just say "yeah" to any yes or no question. LOL

Really, I don't think anyone is paying more attention to my ds than her. I am home alone with the kids most days. I could have just gotten finished playing with her for an hour and the one second I pick brother up to give him a bottle, diaper change, etc. - she is all over me and jumping around trying to get in trouble just so she will be the center of attention again. :roll:

[jwright]

Could you come up with a "special" activity that she only gets to do when you're feeding the baby? Maybe it's just playing with playdough or coloring with markers. something she wouldn't need much help with but is something she doesn't usually get to do. Does that make any sense? I've heard that some moms have certain toys that they let their older child play with those toys ONLY when mom is feeding/taking care of baby. Maybe listen to a book on tape and she can turn the pages. Those are the only things I can think of right now.

Janell

[love2bmom]

Mamatotwo I am in the EXACT same boat. DS is 2-1/2 and DD is 4 months. My son has actually crawled into the babies crib.. [whateeeeeksign] At that point I say you have your big bed and that is such a nice bed with your trucks... baby can't sleep in your bed. I am up for suggestions as well. We do have special activities that we do, and he gets sooo much attention.

Hang in there - this too shall pass, at least that's what we keep telling ourselves.

:D

[ThreeRedheads]

I also went through and continue to, go through what you are experiencing with your children. My dd is 5 now and ds is 2. Things have gotten better over time. My daughter acted out a lot, naughty behavior. We were very cautious about making sure she got special activities and time with mommy and daddy. Sounds like you are aware and doing all you can. They adjust and it may be hard at times. We as mommy's will spend a very long time trying to teach our kids that life is not all about them...and it starts right at home.
My children can now play very well together and of course, not so well together. Such is life. I also am convinced I see a smile on my dd face when my ds is getting "in trouble".

[justmeNmine]

I thought of a couple other things... Although the baby doesn't understand, I make sure there are certain things I say to both of them; if she starts crying while I am helping him make a tower for example I say "Eva you need to be patient for a minute - I'm helping Kobey" or if I scold him at nap time, I say to her as well that she needs to close her eyes and go to sleep. At such a young age (7 mos.) I don't know that she absorbs much of it, but it seems to do him a world of good. The other thing is being aware of how I describe my older child to people, be it my mom, my brothers, friends, whoever... For a kid to say something like they are wild, or in this case, jealous, I think they may have picked up on that being said about them?? I have a niece who's mom used to constantly describe her as a handful, wild, etc., and boy did she live up to it... I have been known to say that my son "gives me a run for my money" and I'm sure he has heard me say that, but I almost always say afterward that he is an awesome brother, or awesome with (her), kwim?

[Madre]

The other thing is being aware of how I describe my older child to people, be it my mom, my brothers, friends, whoever... For a kid to say something like they are wild, or in this case, jealous, I think they may have picked up on that being said about them?? I have a niece who's mom used to constantly describe her as a handful, wild, etc., and boy did she live up to it... I have been known to say that my son "gives me a run for my money" and I'm sure he has heard me say that, but I almost always say afterward that he is an awesome brother, or awesome with (her), kwim?

I was wondering about this, too. It's sort of uncommon, I think, for a 3 year old to have "jealous" in their vocabulary.

My suggestion would be not to worry about your dd's "jealousy", just deal with her negative behaviour. For example, when she is wanting attention when you are holding the baby you can say, "No, this isn't your time now. I want you to get your coloring book and crayons" (for example). It sounds like you're giving her plenty of attention and she probably needs to learn some contentment. Just some thoughts....

It must be so hard for her to make an adjustment to the new home dynamics!!! You are doing all you can by the sounds of it, so I wouldn't stress too much - kids are just so adjustable not like us adults who are creatures of habit. It is only her first year of having baby brother and in time she probably won't remember what it was like without him.

[mamallama]

I was wondering about this, too. It's sort of uncommon, I think, for a 3 year old to have "jealous" in their vocabulary.

Well, when I talk to dd about anything I try to explain 'bigger' words. I don't try to say everything on 'children's level'. I am a firm believer that if you talk to your children using more diverse words, they will soon learn what they mean and use them in their vocabulary as well. I am constantly teaching her new things and bigger words is just one of them. ;)

I probably at some point sat down with her and the conversation probably went something like this, "Gracie, are you jealous of brother? Do you know what jealous means?" Following by the meaning and then going on with the conversation trying to help her acknowledge her feelings. I want her to be able to tell me what she is feeling even if it is negative? KWIM? Then we can deal with it and I can hopefully say a few things that will make her feel better about herself.

We are just taking it one day at a time. Here lately it doesn't seem to matter what I do. She is acting out a LOT as far as the physical aspect. I am racking my brain trying to figure out if there has been any changes in her schedule or something that has made it worse. So far I have come up empty-handed. I will just try to do more special things with her and give her lots of love. And PRAY HARD. [prayer]

What else can you do?