View Full Version : Need some help with ds
01-02-2008, 11:54 PM
For all you experienced moms, HELP! Okay, I love my ds and for the most part he is a great kid. He turned 6 the end of November and he has devloped an "attitude" that I'm not sure how to deal with it. If I discipline him or correct him he is not sorry and/ or tries to agrue or explain away his behaviour. I'm not sure how to deal with this. I've spanked, talked, taken away priveleges, made him say sorry, etc. and I'm baffled as to what to do next. He isn't out right defiant, but that shrug and eyeroll thing. So I'm looking for some outside advice. I'm a SAHM and we homeschool so I'm here to see what is going on, but I don't think he is giving me the respect he needs too. I'm open for ideas.[whatwacko] I don't scream or shout at the kids, so I need to command respect in a firm, in control manner.
01-03-2008, 08:05 AM
I wonder if having a heart to heart talk during a peaceful time will help. My son is only 4.5 but has started learning some new things, trying out the eye rolling, as well as huffing and even growling. I tell him very firmly that he is to treat me with respect, speak to me, and yes, even look at me properly. If he continues, I usually send him away and tell him to fix his attitude and the look on his face and when he has done that we can try again. I have had to really talk out with him a couple of issues including respect, what it means, why it is important, etc and also what it means to make someone feel embarassed (as he had done to me once at his school). Anyhow, I hope that helps; with these little boys we have I think it is SO important to instill a strong sense of respect for women, starting with mothers (and sisters) of course :) I don't always have "big" conversations with my child, but in this area, I think that is the only way that he has "got it." Also, I have been keeping a closer eye when he watches a show on tv- even some of the "nice" shows have characters that act disresepctfully toward the parents; they may by the end of the episode "fix" it, but if all my son picks up on is the huffing and puffing at being told what to do, well, I am rambling, but I think in my case, it is better if I sit with him and watch the shows so we can talk about what's going on. One last thought, there is a series of books about behaving that may or may not be helpful; I can't think of the name of them but they are each titled a book about... lying, respect, etc... HTH!!
01-03-2008, 02:46 PM
Well, miss Leslie here, but I am no expert. :-D Each child is different and each parent is different. I like all that everyone has said so far. For me the key is training before there is a moment of confrontation. I spent (and still spend) a lot of time reading to my sons every day stories that are based around a truth in scripture with examples of how young boys learned that truth in one way or another. We used to go over the 21 Rules of This House when they were little every morning. When they began doing something that they shouldn't I would quote just the first part of a rule and let them finish the last part. They knew immediatley what I spoke of because we drilled the rules with them every day. It was hidden in their heart. :mrgreen:
I agree that in a calm moment, look him straight into his eyes and explain about the chain of command. You obey God. God has put you in authority over him and he must obey you. It is your job to see to it that He does. That is the job given you by God. You must obey God too. He must obey you. When he is obedient he stays in a circle of protection, when he is disobedient he breaks that circle. Disobedience always brings pain. A good character building story to illustrate that is great after your talk. I LOVE the Millers series of books. We read Wisdom with the Millers every day for years and years over and over.
My boys were able to say a phrase from the time they could talk. I would ask, " How do we obey?" They would say, " Right away, all the way and in a happy way." When they got older and would try this stuff you speak of I would look them right in the eye with a firm look and clamly ask, "How do we obey?" They never would challenge me after the look and the reminder.
It is a phase as Tara says, but it is good to help them see and learn and grow through the phase! I don't mean to imply of course that you aren't already doing a lot of the things I have mentioned. But these are the things that I did(and still do sometimes LOL :mrgreen: ) with my four boys! Prayers and hugs. Do not weary in well doing sister for you shall reap a harvest in due season if you faint not!" [lovewuvu]
01-03-2008, 02:54 PM
I agree with all the advice here. Is Dad involved with the discipline? Sometimes when I am home with my girls all day, they tend to not take me seriously. But a firm correction from Dad sometimes carries more weight. I know it "shouldn't", but my husband's correction has always been taken more seriously.
I don't suggest saving discipline for dad (none of the "wait until your Father get's home" stuff) But when Dad is home, if he could get involved with the discipline it might help.
01-03-2008, 05:40 PM
Thank you all so much for your love and advice. I have talked with him about the "line of command" that Leslie mentioned, but it was in connection with getting in trouble and I think I need to reinforce ti sometime when he isn't actually doing anything. Dad is involved, but he has his own business, and recently has been working some pretty long hours. We definately work together, but I don't want this to come from him, necessarily. I need to get respect from him by myself otherwise I feel that it is just "because dad said so." There are some good things in here that I will do and it really helps to know that I'm not a failure and all boys try this. He is a great kid and I want to keep him that way. I think bringing home the point that his attitude is sin, not just his actions or words will help a lot and I need to come up with some specific consequences so I am prepared when this comes up. If anyone has some more advice I would love to hear it. I really feel like he is getting too old for spankings, and I would like to hear some of your consequences. I do spank and have recently for lying, but in general I would prefer something else for his age.
01-03-2008, 05:49 PM
I love Lisa Whelchel's book Creative Correction. It had tons of consequence ideas and lots of scriptures references to reinforce the discipline. Everything I tried from her book worked.
01-04-2008, 03:04 AM
Leslie has said it before, and with boys, it's so true. When he's misbehaving, you need him to do something, anything, look him in the eyes. When you have eyes locked, tell him, "Son, we do not allow that in this house, and you are NOT expected to have an attitude. If it happens again, x-discipline, will happen.". That's what it took with our 7 year old.
This is exactly what i have done. my ds hasnt behaved like that since he was about 3 tho. He's 7 now and doesnt try it now. I got down on his level, made eye contact and said 'I am the boss, NOT YOU!'. Then it would be 'Who is the boss'. That worked for a 3yo tho. Now that he is older I can say what kind of behaviour I do expect from him. I had to do it with one of my 8yo's the other week. She had a very disrespectful attitude with me and I had to take her aside and tell her firmly that I expect better from her. telling her exactly what i do expect. I watch then, bc sometimes I walk away and there's still an attitude. I then have to pray about how to handle it. It always ends with them saying sorry, genuinely (seemingly anyway, God can read their hearts). I also pray that the Holy Spirit would be at work in their hearts while Im 'disciplining' them.
01-04-2008, 06:30 AM
I wonder if having a heart to heart talk during a peaceful time will help.
I thought this was a very good point, applicable for all ages. The middle of a conflict is not always the best time for instruction especially when the child is wanting only one thing; his way. Later, after things have calmed down, you can sit down together and talk "when he isn't actually doing something" (like Jen said).
01-08-2008, 05:05 PM
Thanks all of you. I had a talk with him yesterday. He had a BAD attitude and sent him up to his room. After about 20 min. I wanet up and talked to him. He really listened and things are going better. I need to stay consistent and firm and I think things will be okay.:-D
01-08-2008, 05:30 PM
Glad to hear it. You are not alone. We parents learn as we go and we grow too in our role just as our children are learning and growing! :-D
01-09-2008, 09:34 PM
Thanks. It's harder with the oldest because I don't have anything to go on. I know what expect out of him and even though some may think it's "too much" at his age I know he is capable of acting respecful and obeyingpromptly and witha good attitude. It is so easy to fall into the trap of thinking that a bad attitude is "normal" and "he will grow out of it" which opinion you see in most non-christian advice. Thank you all for being a Godly sounding board and showing me that I do not expect too much and I am not going overboard with my expectations. I believe that my job is to raise my chilcren to honor and glorify the Lord and to love Him and I MUST have high expectations in behaviour in order to have a good testimony. Thanks again for all your encouragement![loveyou]
01-09-2008, 11:53 PM
Hi Jenny! :-D Glad things are going better for you! [loveyou]