My dd is almost three and has these moments where she acts like she doesn't hear me when I ask her to do something. I am not sure if it is a deliberate thing or not. It doesn't matter what I ask her to do but it seems like I have to ask four or five times. Yesterday I asked her to take her shoes to her closet and put them away. By the fourth time of asking I ended up raising my voice. I didn't exactly yell but she could tell that Mommy wasn't happy. It was then that she started getting COMPLETELY emotional! I mean she waits until I tell her to do something multiple times and when she gets in trouble, oh man do the water works start!

I am not sure what to do. Yesterday I ended up spanking her because I had been repeatedly telling her to do different things ALL evening! I sat her down and explained to her that she has to listen to Mommy and that she has to do what I say, when I say it because sometimes it is a safety issue and she just has to follow directions.

Has anyone else dealt with this? Is there something I can do to help this situation?

Sara

What is she doing when you are telling her these things? Is she just so busy/involved in what she's playing, is she watching a video? My boys don't listen well when watching a video or on the computer. I would call her by name and make sure you have her attention before telling her what to do and then make sure she does it the first time.

Janell

Sometimes she will be playing with her toys but other times she will be looking right at me so I know that I have her attention. She just chooses not to do what I am telling her to do.

Of course you know your dd, but sometimes some of my piano students will be looking at me and not paying attention to what I'm saying. They are off in their own little world. Other times, they are looking around and not looking at me, but hear every word I say.

We are working with Trevor to obey the first time or get a consequence. I say, "I've already told you once" a lot!

Get her attention first. Then make the request. If not immediately followed, spank.
Then repeat the request and direct her on her way.
Repeat each and every time.

The only way to get immediate obedience is to expect/demand it.

By you telling her repeatedly to do something, she is learning to not respond until your level has elevated. Not necessarily intentional, just a learned behavior...'nothing will happen if I don't obey...not until mommy yells'.

She has to learn that you mean business from the FIRST request. Not obeying is NOT an option.

It can be hard work to instill, I'm dealing with it now with my 2 yr old and have episodes of having to remind the elders. But it *will* pay off. Be consistent.

I really like the Ames "You're Three Year Old" book. It gets you into the mind of a 3 yr old & how they think,what they think, why they act the way they do. His books (a series that has 1-7yrs old) really helped me gain perspective & understanding at my child's age. And it helped me parent them better.

I think you still have to "make it happen" at this age. Meaning if she won't put her shoes away, help her put them away. 3yr old's are hard & there's a lot of work that goes along with "making it happen" with them.
I don't believe in first time obedience. yes, my child still has to do what I request. But at 3yr, I still have to help them a lot.

I agree with Tara.we used to have to tell Bri multiple times and then in the end, he would say "no.". We started telling him ONCE. if he doesn't listen, he's punished. If he asks for drink, and I say, "go get your cup" and he doesn't, the punishment is as simple as no drink. I'm not going to fish out a cup just so he can have a drink. I'm his mama, not his maid.
If I tell him to pick up his toys and he doesn't or says NO, he gets a spanking and then loses the toys in the floor until the next day. He really learned his lesson when he lost his bear, his go-go-mo (motorcycle), and his cup. (yup, not even for bed. he went to bed without anything, :-) )

I agree with some of the other moms, willful disobedience needs to be nipped in the bud. Sometimes at three it is not intentional though, they may be distracted and/or not realize what you want them to do it and WHEN. Sometimes I'd ask my preschooler to do something and she'd be thinking to herself... yah, when I'm finished xzy, when I get around to it, etc. A simple way to make sure she's actually hearing you and understanding the request is to ask her to repeat it. Say something like..."Now what did mommy ask you to do? Okay, do that now please." Then I give her time/space to comply. If she answers correctly and still doesn't do it you have your answer. Then you can be sure of how to handle it. I use a spanking or loss of privilege in those situations. HTH
Beth

Thank you ladies for all of the suggestions. My biggest concern here is for her safety. If she doesn't think that she has to listen and obey the first time when I tell her to do something at home there is a chance that she won't obey when we are out shopping or in a parking lot and that can be very dangerous...KWIM. I have used the spanking after the first time of asking and then sat her down and explained WHY she was being spanked. It seems to be working out very well.

Sara

Sounds good Sara. And that's exactly why I think 'first time every time' obedience is so important. For their *safety*. They must learn to obey, without question. As they get older, they can question later, but obedience comes first.

I'd prefer my children to learn to listen obey out of their trust in our relationship, not out of fear. AFA their safety, it's my job to make sure they're safe. So when we're in a parking lot, they hold hands, or they're in their child harness or shopping cart..whatever. We practice them staying close to me when we're walking out in our own yard. So I don't have to punish them in order for them to learn how to stay close to mama.

I just come from a completely different perspective then most moms here. I think it's interesting that it's alright for an older child to question things, but not a little one, who needs more patience & time to learn then anyone.

Just for the record...
My children do not, nor do I want them to 'obey out of fear'. They have no 'fear' of us. They obey because that is what they have been taught. They obey out of respect. They should obey because they trust that mom and dad know what is best.

I've been accused of instilling fear in my children and that *that* is the only reason they obey me, before, and it does NOT sit well with me, because that is *not* the case.

Just wanted to make that clear. *Fear* is not the reason I have well behaved children in my house...and I'm pretty darn sure it's not in the other ladies' houses either.

My apologies, I guess the pg hormones are running rampant today, but that comment just did not sit well with me at all.

Oh and as for the last comment..about finding it 'interesting' that an older child is allowed to question whereas a younger is not...if you will notice in my post about such, I mentioned that 'questioning' is allowed AFTER the obedience. And why? Because they are old enough to be inquisitive and old enough to know *why* I do not think they should be allowed to use the big kitchen knife to open a package of Legos. Or what have ya. Just like if I tell my son it is time to turn the lights off and get to bed..his first response should be "yes ma'am" as he heads to the light switch..then and only then may he ask if he can finish reading the last paragraph. Obedience first, then questions will be entertained. And in such a situation as that...he most likely would be given the opportunity to finish that 'last paragraph'.

Ok, I'm done now.

Thank you Tara. I don't think it's pregnancy hormones. I feel exactly the same way. If my children were "fearful" of me, why should they obey me in the first place? I could be telling them to run out and get hit by a mac truck. Gabe knows that if he doesn't listen he's going to get punished. He also knows from trial and error, that if he listens, HEY, SUPRISE SUPRISE Mama and/or Daddy knew what they were talking about. he's learned to TRUST (and I repeat TRUST) me and his daddy that we will take CARE of them.

And, no. It's not ok to question your parents at ANY age. I don't question my parents today, and I'm grown with children of my own, but I do expect my parents to discuss and ration with me, and an older child, if mentally mature enough, (as determined by the parent and no one else) should be allowed the same dignity. The negative humility caused by telling an older child "b/c i said so" is not worth it for their growing dignity, and their positive humility. Just as Tara said, if they want to "question", do it AFTER you've done what you've been asked. But here, we have a rule. Follow directions, don't question, discuss afterward.

On a lighter note, Kudos to you for practicing "sticking together" with your kids, Kalihi, there are so many parents who let their kids run all over the house, yard, what have ya, then expect their little darlings to stay right there stuck up mama's heiny when they're out. That, it just won't work.

I expected this reaction. No big deal. I come from a positive/gentle/grace-based discipline style. That's all. So like I said, I have a completely different perspective.

, Kalihi, there are so many parents who let their kids run all over the house, yard, what have ya, then expect their little darlings to stay right there stuck up mama's heiny when they're out. That, it just won't work.


Like I said, we role play & practice "staying close to mama" at home. We live on an acre. As soon as ds could walk around, we practiced this. All I'm saying is I didn't need to spank him in order for him to learn.

Sara, you might also consider the possibility that the "water works" are a way of manipulating you. She may just be upset because you are upset, but it also may be an effective way of avoiding a consequence.

Just a thought, but you may want to make sure she isn't having any ear problems as well.

Like I said, we role play & practice "staying close to mama" at home. We live on an acre. As soon as ds could walk around, we practiced this. All I'm saying is I didn't need to spank him in order for him to learn.

choosing not to spank is a personal decision, and if it works for your family, that's awesome. This thread is NOT about that issue at all.

As for the quote cutting, you left out the "kudos" prior to your name. I do find that interesting ???? as I wasn't saying that you were one to do that. I was saying that it's great that you DO practice with him, b/c some parents don't. BUT, personally, obedience isn't about practice, it's just plain about obedience.

On a side note, btw, it may be time for this thread to spinoff into the controversial forum, mods????

I'll lock it. If anyone wants to start a thread in C/T, go ahead. If anyone has any troubles, PM me.

I haven't seen any extremes here (such as excessive force or permissiveness)-- just two moderate parenting philosophies with a bit of space between them. I recognize you're all doing your best and loving your children. But issues with any activism in them can get heated fast... so to keep the peace... lock it is.