Any moms with 14 to 16 year old sons?

[luvmy4sons]

Okay! I have great kids! GREAT! They are obedient, well behaved, great helpers, play well together (truly almost NEVER fight among one another), but ths hormone surge at 14...it creates in them this subtle resistance...this hint that they want to be in charge. I read that it is normal from Michael Pearl. Testsoterone does this. But my second who will be 15 in a few weeks has always been more of a " bettter if it is my idea kind of kid". Gets it from his father! :? And now with the hormones kicking...so many comments and suggestions of how to do it a different way or at a different time or could we do it this way or could I maybe instead....It doesn't quite cross the line of disobedienc or disrespect, so often I don't even recognize that I am entering negotiations with my son! :shock: And when I realize it I get a little perturbed. :evil:

I used to have them go around when they were real little saying, " How do we obey? Right away, all the way, and in a happy way." They had to START to obey first and then make a plea to delay an obedient action or a different course. Like, " Yes mam, ( and start to do what I asked) but would you mind if I finished this game first?" Now that they seem like adults...it is SO different! I can see this next school year is going to be a doozy? Anyone else in the same boat? :shock:

[mama4ever]

Was there, my oldest is 25. Only the older he got the more head strong he got. What worked best is to give them a choice...like you could say you need to clean your room. You can either do it after school today or tomorrow after school. Let him make the choice so he feels in control of his life. It worked but, sometimes I think my husband allowed him to have to much lead way. Somehow I always felt like I was at a disadvantage,[he is 6ft 4inches tall]. That height thing always seems to make it hard to treat him like a child when he still acted like one. Mothers need to do a balancing act with the boys. We play just a big a roll in making them men as do their fathers.

We also have a daughter 13 and our baby Joel just turned 10. It starts out with the hormons, just don't let it go to far. They need to feel like men, but still respect mom. My hubby would step in more often in the teen years. It is easier when mom and dad are a united front.
And pray, pray, pray.

[angelpink]

[crys]

My sons are 20, almost 15 and 13. I really miss the small boys they were and that connection, though the new ones we are making are nice too. All kids are different, of course, but what has worked here is to explain to them The Plan.

Chores are not only a way to help out, but a tool we use to form boys into God-fearing men. They need to know that. After I told one of my sons that I ask him to do things in order to teach him to have a willing and obedient heart for God, his whole manner changed. He could look ahead and see the man forming, not the unmowed lawn.

Our boys must learn to respect the wisdom of their mothers under God or they will not know how to respect their wives. If that is lacking, how will they understand the heart of God toward His bride? Okay, so I veered off the topic. :? Sorry! :)

[luvmy4sons]

My sons are 20, almost 15 and 13. I really miss the small boys they were and that connection, though the new ones we are making are nice too. All kids are different, of course, but what has worked here is to explain to them The Plan.

Chores are not only a way to help out, but a tool we use to form boys into God-fearing men. They need to know that. After I told one of my sons that I ask him to do things in order to teach him to have a willing and obedient heart for God, his whole manner changed. He could look ahead and see the man forming, not the unmowed lawn.

Our boys must learn to respect the wisdom of their mothers under God or they will not know how to respect their wives. If that is lacking, how will they understand the heart of God toward His bride? Okay, so I veered off the topic. :? Sorry! :)

Oh my boys know the plan. I knock them over the head with "the plan". We talk constantly about God and what He does and His plan and order of things and how He grows us and tries us and the importance of obedience etc... They obey and do chores and are GREAT kids. I have no real problems, it is just this subtle " I am a man" and it shows up in their comments here and there and very respectful) but annoying to me) suggestions to my own suggestions.

I need to let go more I think and let them make some decisions. :? As long as they do what I want does it really matter exactly how or when in the long run. The key is finding this balance of treating them like adults but maintaining the proper respect as well and finding a way to stay sane through it all! LOL! I tend to be a drill seargent and now that they are older I need to maybe offer more choices or say things like, " I will need this done by"...and give them a time range and let them then pick when to do it as long as it is done by the deadline. I tend to order too much; and as they age maybe less ordering would be good, just more informing and allow more choices and let go some of my control. They ARE men truly! It is a transitional time. Anyone know what I mean? :P

[crys]

Oh man, do I understand the bent to be the drill sargeant. MY way is fast and efficient, after all. If only everyone would just jump to when I begin, we'd all be through soon. :lol:

Letting go, giving up control. Where have I heard that before? I suppose, as we raise our children, we come to a place where we begin to be adults together, huh? Maybe it feels like losing ground and that they are chomping at the bit to overtake us, when they are really growing and catching up. Thanks for reminding me. I'm going to make an effort to:
Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. as Ephesians 5:21 says.

Just so long as they know who's boss. [rofl]

[luvmy4sons]

Oh man, do I understand the bent to be the drill sargeant. MY way is fast and efficient, after all. If only everyone would just jump to when I begin, we'd all be through soon. :lol:

Letting go, giving up control. Where have I heard that before? I suppose, as we raise our children, we come to a place where we begin to be adults together, huh? Maybe it feels like losing ground and that they are chomping at the bit to overtake us, when they are really growing and catching up. Thanks for reminding me. I'm going to make an effort to:
Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. as Ephesians 5:21 says.

Just so long as they know who's boss. [rofl]

Crack me up! Yes! It is SO HARD! :) I had to bark orders and say " Do this, now do that, and don't do that and please stop that..." for so long it is hard to turn it off and step back some now! They aren't babies and they need to make choices for themselves and learn from their mistakes NOW while here under my roof. But boy...I can't seem to break my habit. I have asked my oldest to remind me when I am treating him like a child and overstepping bounds. ( Gently and respetfully of course) And he has on a few occasions. And to be honest I was embarrassed that I was directing an almost 17 year old in the manner I was. Please mom, just leave the guy alone already! :oops: AARGH! If I have done my job in training them up now is the time to reap the benefits. Not that I should stop being the mom...but well you know. Thanks for the laugh! I think I am kicking and screaming the whole way," Don't forget who's still boss!" [rotfl]

[JoyLynn]

Hey, Leslie... I think if you listen to what he has to say when you feel you have that grace to extend, great... As long as he knows that if you say, "I don't want to discuss this right now. I just need you to do this without any discussion this time", he needs to just do what you're telling him to do.

There are times and places where our opinions don't play a part in a situation. Like at work when our bosses tell us to do something, or obeying the law, or obeying God without explanation. KWIM?

I would have a talk with your son and let him know that God gave him a good head on his shoulders, and that God made him someone that would prefer to think for himself, and that's a good thing (and I love that about you, son. You're meant to be a leader and not a follower), but there are times when it's gotta just be, yes mam, or yes sir, no questions or comments until maybe later, or if you feel like there really is an important problem with the way things are. I would explain that relationships are so important and that he needs to be sensitive in all relationships at all times. You don't want to push people too far with your suggestions or comments. It's a matter of humility.

If you ask him to do something and he walks away kinda grumpy, you could say, "Son, I really do care about what you're feeling right now. I care about all your feelings. I just need you to care about me and respect me enough right now to do what I'm asking you, and do that with a good attitude because you love me, and trust that if you want to talk about this after we're done doing ___ , then I will always be here for you. Please show me this respect because I'm your mom and I love you. If you're upset, let's talk about it later."

Then, I would do just as I'm sure you're doing and make yourself available to talk whenever possible. Someone who can negotiate well is a gifted person, and a child with this gift should know that. But with this gift comes the responsibility to know when to use that gift and when to simply submit. If he negotiates constantly with his wife someday, he may just drive her insane and he needs to know that. [rofl]

I also agree with the other suggestions mentioned. Giving an older child options when possible is a good one. Of course, making your nearly adult child feel repsected as a valuable person with good ideas.

I can tell from all that you've written around here that you're an amazing mom. I'm also hearing loud and clear, that your children are obedient, wonderful kids. You're obviously doing an excellent job. [claploud] I've dealt with the same quandry with Scotty from time to time. It so easily goes unnoticed, but I think that's because it's not often a problem. I think our discernment kicks in when our boys begin to cross a line. It's not that their behavior is bad, it's not. It's a matter of knowing when to stop, and if they aren't being sensitive to that and are crossing the line of respect, they just need to be taught. I think they'll be more successful in life if they learn this.

I can imagine an adult man being overlooked for a promotion just because he tends to argue a bit too much when the boss is making suggestions. On the other hand, a man with a head full of great ideas who has learned when to speak and how to respect authority will be chosen over others.

I'm sorry if I'm being at all presumptuous about your situation. You're a wonderful and sweet friend, Leslie, and I know your kids are all going to turn out to be Godly adults. You're doing a great job!!

[loveyousparkles]


Joy [welcomewave]

[luvmy4sons]

Hey, Leslie... I think if you listen to what he has to say when you feel you have that grace to extend, great... As long as he knows that if you say, "I don't want to discuss this right now. I just need you to do this without any discussion this time", he needs to just do what you're telling him to do.

There are times and places where our opinions don't play a part in a situation. Like at work when our bosses tell us to do something, or obeying the law, or obeying God without explanation. KWIM?

I would have a talk with your son and let him know that God gave him a good head on his shoulders, and that God made him someone that would prefer to think for himself, and that's a good thing (and I love that about you, son. You're meant to be a leader and not a follower), but there are times when it's gotta just be, yes mam, or yes sir, no questions or comments until maybe later, or if you feel like there really is an important problem with the way things are. I would explain that relationships are so important and that he needs to be sensitive in all relationships at all times. You don't want to push people too far with your suggestions or comments. It's a matter of humility.

If you ask him to do something and he walks away kinda grumpy, you could say, "Son, I really do care about what you're feeling right now. I care about all your feelings. I just need you to care about me and respect me enough right now to do what I'm asking you, and do that with a good attitude because you love me, and trust that if you want to talk about this after we're done doing ___ , then I will always be here for you. Please show me this respect because I'm your mom and I love you. If you're upset, let's talk about it later."

I can imagine an adult man being overlooked for a promotion just because he tends to argue a bit too much when the boss is making suggestions. On the other hand, a man with a head full of great ideas who has learned when to speak and how to respect authority will be chosen over others.

I'm sorry if I'm being at all presumptuous about your situation. You're a wonderful and sweet friend, Leslie, and I know your kids are all going to turn out to be Godly adults. You're doing a great job!!

[loveyousparkles]


Joy [welcomewave]

Thanks Joy! I needed to hear that. I tend to be very critical of my parenting style and often will back off sometimes because I tend to be quite the commander. But it is important for them to understand that they must learn to obey and there can't always be a discussion each time. It is my 14 year old at this point who tends to do this. It is more his personality I think too than necessarily the hormones. My dh can be like that. Not to be disrespectful of him. But I have often learned that it is better for it to be his idea than to be mine. Soetimes he will dislike an idea simply becuase it is mine. But if it is his idea it is a good one. :P My second is like that a lot and since this hormone surge here at 14 it has gotten worse. I am having a hard time dealing with it in a positive way and we are grumbling at one another more. :?

You had some great ideas. I need to find proper balance and positive yet firm guidance, and it can be tricky. It does go unnoticed! THAT IS WHAT IS SO HARD. :( It isn't disrespectful. It is subtle. Then you find yourself negotiating with him and it makes you angry and then it deteriorates into grumbling for us both! This isn't ALL THE TIME. This isn't a HUGE problem but it is occurring and I was wanting to toss around what others have done. Thanks for your ideas sister. I so appreciate it. :D [girlsmiley]

[JoyLynn]

You're welcome, friend. :D I think I'm getting a pretty clear picture. [thumbsup] I know this isn't a huge deal, your discernment is nudging you. Well, your husband and son(s) sound very intelligent and clear of thought. Looks like God's perfecting a balance with your boys. Who better to be the one delivering those kind words of instruction than the first woman they ever loved. [heartbeat] I think heart to hearts in very neutral mom/son moments, about relationships and about the amazing, talented, gifted, intelligent (giving many examples, of course) person God made your boy to be, will have a life long impact on your son. He can mull those things around in his head when he's not in a "reactive" mood and I'm absolutely SURE that he will learn that precious balance. I would pray that the Lord deepens his discernment and sensitivity in this area.

Leslie, speaking woman to woman... What's more attractive than a strong, intelligent and giften man who lays all that aside to nurture his wife and make her feel important. [love] We get to teach our boys that. Their wives will thank us!!! :D

[lovesign]


Joy [welcomewave]

[Madre]

I think heart to hearts in very neutral mom/son moments, about relationships and about the amazing, talented, gifted, intelligent (giving many examples, of course) person God made your boy to be, will have a life long impact on your son. He can mull those things around in his head when he's not in a "reactive" mood and I'm absolutely SURE that he will learn that precious balance. I would pray that the Lord deepens his discernment and sensitivity in this area.


Joy [welcomewave]

Do you gals mind if I butt in here? I just wanted to say that this is very good counsel. Quiet, calm discussions "in the green" far outweigh "horn locking/putting out fires" sessions. Believe me; been there, done that. :roll:

[JoyLynn]

Thanks, Madre. [heart] I love advice from those who've been there before me.


Joy [welcomewave]

[Madre]

Not trying to sound like a "know it all". :? When I read your post it sounded so similar to the ways my dh encourages me with our kids. I tend to be the "reactive" one and race around with buckets trying to slosh water on fires. I think a slow, steady, "plan in advance" (if you can) approach is much better.

[JoyLynn]

I agree, Madre. [OK]


[lovingsmiley]

Joy [welcomewave]

[luvmy4sons]

Thanks Joy and Madre. Sage advice! Keep me in prayer. I tend to be more like you Madre! :)

[JoyLynn]

[prayer]

[heart] [heartbeat] [heart]


Joy [welcomewave]

[luvmy4sons]

You're welcome, friend. :D I think I'm getting a pretty clear picture. [thumbsup] I know this isn't a huge deal, your discernment is nudging you. Well, your husband and son(s) sound very intelligent and clear of thought. Looks like God's perfecting a balance with your boys. Who better to be the one delivering those kind words of instruction than the first woman they ever loved. [heartbeat] I think heart to hearts in very neutral mom/son moments, about relationships and about the amazing, talented, gifted, intelligent (giving many examples, of course) person God made your boy to be, will have a life long impact on your son. He can mull those things around in his head when he's not in a "reactive" mood and I'm absolutely SURE that he will learn that precious balance. I would pray that the Lord deepens his discernment and sensitivity in this area.

Leslie, speaking woman to woman... What's more attractive than a strong, intelligent and giften man who lays all that aside to nurture his wife and make her feel important. [love] We get to teach our boys that. Their wives will thank us!!! :D

[lovesign]


Joy [welcomewave]

Thanks again Joy. :lol: I try to have those. We get opportunities here and there after our battles with school have settled. :? Nothing like the frustration of school to soften the heart of a boy like him. We have had some neat times because of those. Teaching him is quite the challenge as well, but he knows how much I love him and he sees me stick with it. That counts for something right? He has such a sweet sensitive spirit. His obstinancy doesn't dim that by any means! I will pray hard. That is the key! :D

[danter]

Sorry, deleted this post.

[Cheeseburger]

I have such guilt feelings about my 15 yr old. He is extremely bright, very secular and materialistic, rebellious, rude, and can be very persuasive in a warm way when he wants to. He has set his own set of rules and the rest of the family lives by parent set rules. Yes, my husband has allowed this up to this point and now can't seem to do anything about it. My son even questions why he should follow the Bible...



Hi danter.

I can see how you might feel you have fallen short as a parent. But we have ALL fallen short at some point or another. All we can do is give our best, rely on God to equip us to parent, and let God take it from there.

If your child is questioning the bible and is clearly rebellious, it is extremely plausbile that the Holy Spirit has not moved on him and revealed to your son the truth of God or the truth of scripture.

Many children seem obedient to their parents but as soon as they leave the house 'fall away' from grace, so to speak, because they never really HAD God's grace in their hearts, they just followed mom and dad's rules so they wouldn't be punished. We can teach our kids truth but only God can REALLY reveal it to them.

I do not expect my daughter to believe in the bible because I tell her to. I plan to teach her the bible and God's plan, but all I can do after that is pray and pray that God brings her into His everlasting arms.

It's hard to feel helpless about your own child's salvation, but it all really is in God's hands. Take up the cause for your son's life in prayer, and leave your burdens at God's feet, because that's really all we can do.

[danter]

Thank you for your understanding and kind comments. They are much appreciated.



I have such guilt feelings about my 15 yr old. He is extremely bright, very secular and materialistic, rebellious, rude, and can be very persuasive in a warm way when he wants to. He has set his own set of rules and the rest of the family lives by parent set rules. Yes, my husband has allowed this up to this point and now can't seem to do anything about it. My son even questions why he should follow the Bible...



Hi danter.

I can see how you might feel you have fallen short as a parent. But we have ALL fallen short at some point or another. All we can do is give our best, rely on God to equip us to parent, and let God take it from there.

If your child is questioning the bible and is clearly rebellious, it is extremely plausbile that the Holy Spirit has not moved on him and revealed to your son the truth of God or the truth of scripture.

Many children seem obedient to their parents but as soon as they leave the house 'fall away' from grace, so to speak, because they never really HAD God's grace in their hearts, they just followed mom and dad's rules so they wouldn't be punished. We can teach our kids truth but only God can REALLY reveal it to them.

I do not expect my daughter to believe in the bible because I tell her to. I plan to teach her the bible and God's plan, but all I can do after that is pray and pray that God brings her into His everlasting arms.

It's hard to feel helpless about your own child's salvation, but it all really is in God's hands. Take up the cause for your son's life in prayer, and leave your burdens at God's feet, because that's really all we can do.