Ground rules for well wishers

Just wondering how many of you have ground rules in mind for well wishers wanting to see the new arrival?

How soon do you think you will allow visitors and how many at a time?

I distinctly remember the first time around, having not been used to thinking of a child's welfare before there were no rules as such in place, or we had not "gotten into the issue" with family and it really made things HARD on me and the twins when it came to his side of the family. Also we had a few problems with relitives who wouldn't control their children when visiting (allowing them to crawl under the twin crib and knock it etc)

A few days after I had the twins, most of DH's family turned up at once (his sister and her husband, his other sister and her husband and his parents)... they barely said a word to me and launched into pass the babies mode - and they came just before visiting hours ended, I knew it was time for the twins to feed (I had to stick to a schedule because of them being pre-term) and I was saying "They need a feed now" loudly and his whole family just ignored me like I wasn't there and kept passing the twins around. The midwife came in and asked them to leave and they wouldn't leave, my BIL basically said some immature comment like "Well, I am bigger than you" ... anyway, they eventually left and I was ready to settle into a feed and his other sister turns up and beggs the security guard to let her into my room and so she and MIL walked back in despite the fact that the midwife told them it was feed time and to leave, the midwife came in AGAIN and told them to go. SO in the end, Paris ended up with a tube down her nose because she deteriorated slightly due to being late for a feed. That is so not happening this time. I am telling them only one family at a time (as in a sister and a husband, one set of grandparents etc), and not a big family gathering with grandparents etc. when we are at home, It's unfair on me and it's not fair on the baby. I have read so many articles and heard from paediatric people that it can actually over stimulate the baby and can become painful to the skin with passing around even with swaddling - part of it was probably me for not screaming at them or something but if they wouldn't even listen to hospital staff telling them to leave, I had no chance either. :oops:

I understand fully people are excited about a new baby and want to see it, but it's not a side show KWIM? Babies are little people and not toys to play pass the parcel with.

A lot of my friends who had babies after that I just looked and didn't expect a hold at all.

I think the initial 3 days will just be DH and my parents.

How was everyone elses experience?

[meg]

I was happy to have both my parents and dh's parents visit the day of the birth with both boys :D

I knew how excited they were, and we were so excited, we couldn't wait for them to see our sons.

I was really, really exhausted after the birth of our second son, but still really excited to see family and friends and show off our gorgeous bub :lol:

However, just because you let people come to see you, it doesn't mean that they get to pass the baby around, as you said.

For me, personally, unless there was a problem (baby's health or mine), I wouldn't stop anyone from coming to see me and the baby, but as you mentioned, I would limit the numbers, as it can be very, very tiring when huge groups all decend on you at once :wink:

yeah Meg and overwhelming... (too many people), so that will be our main rule :shock: I am not a mean petty person - if DH's family showed any commonsense or respect for me, or showed any thought with regard to my or my babies welfare I wouldn't have such strong feelings about the issue :D or feel like I had to be so firm with his side of the family because mine are extremely mindful of a new baby and it's needs and it's mothers needs.

[meg]

I think a lot of hospitals have a limit as to how many people can be in the room at once, so maybe check that out at your hospital, and then let people know, so they can co-ordinate their visits :wink:

Most midwives are also happy to put a sign on the cot/bassinet that says "Please do not pick me up". Most people will respect that more than if you suggest it, so it may be worth keeping in mind. If people ask why, just say that bubby is tired/restless/not feeding well/cranky/etc. :)

It's such a good idea Meg, with the signs... I also know that midwives are generally completely on the ball with these sorts of issues, my friend Caroline was having a teary day and the midwife came and got rid of "visitors" for her.

The big problem is Meg - MIL, she respects nothing I say and never has. If she wants something, she will just override me no matter what I or DH say. So I am hoping some rules drummed into her head might help - might be dreaming though LOL

[meg]

I didn't think you were a mean petty person :lol:

From your previous posts about how your mil can be, I'd say skip the midwives, take your own signs :lol:

LOL or tell her I am at a different hospital ROTF :lol: ..

[BlessedMommy]

Man, you hospital moms are lucky in a way--the hospital can enforce visiting hours. Much harder to do in our own home! What do you think is a polite way to send inlaws home or keep them from holding the baby?

My opinion is that I carried the baby for 9 months and I'm not handing it over to anyone other than myself or my husband or my midwife right after birth.

Also, I was thinking that maybe DH and I shouldn't even invite family over until a few hours after the birth. I mean, we can at least get stabilized and cleaned up, KWIM?

AussieMum, I'm so sorry for what happened to you with your preterm twins and your family. I mean, how jerky can they get?

[love2bmom]

I totally know the feeling and I hate to be confrontational, but when it came to my DS when he was born, I put my foot down. He was in NICU for the first week and then he had to be closely monitored for seizures. Anyway, I would just politely say I would prefer if he stayed in his crib or wherever he was at the time. If I did allow people to hold him, they would HAVE TO WASH THEIR HANDS. Oh I was fanatical about it. This is YOUR child and you have to do what you have to do :D I also made them wear a burp cloth on their shoulder. If you put it politely most people will understand and if not [whatblah]

Ruth... perhaps lay the rules down before you have the baby.

We certainly will be :wink:

[luvmy4sons]

Ruth... perhaps lay the rules down before you have the baby.

We certainly will be :wink:

Definitely lay down ground rules if you think they will adhere! [whatheadagainstthewall] Sounds as if not even telling them baby has arrived till its a few days old might be an idea! [rofllol] I always had each person wash their hands prior to any holding and only immediate family and I would often ask for baby back any time I had the urge or say..."Oops excuse me time for a feeding I need you to step out of the room please! " Kind, but firm and no nonsense requests leaving no doubt you mean business. Hopefully hubby will back you up! [welcomehandshake]

[Godzgirl]

With my daughter everybody was there. Since everbody was in the waiting room waiting for my daughter to arrive they were all there at the same time after i ended up having an emergency c-section. With my son since i had a planned c-section everbody came at different times the next day. I didn't want any visitors that day since i felt so out of it and tired.

Everyone but my brother showed up at the hospital...They were called in because Angela had no chance of survival .. :(

Her miraculous recovery left her in a 3mo at home quarantine...Again, everyone but my brother showed up for visits..My oldest sis stayed to help out... :D

Finally when she was 2 or 3wks old, my brother came creeping up one night and asked if he and his wife could come in...My mother had told him that nobody could see the baby because she was in quarantine...Poor big brother...I felt so sorry for him having been mislead... :?

I was fine with visitors once we got home,, but I really wasn't up to seeing anyone in the hospital until she was out of NICU and in a room with me :wink:

[7thHeaven]

I decided the next time around visiting hours would only be in the afternoons for about 4 hours and 1-2 people at a time. I had my mil come every day at noon and she left at 8pm, my fil would come at about 4pm and stay until 8pm, my bil's were in and out throughout the day (all 3 of them) and people walking in on me while I was in the bathroom, b/fing or doing something personal. And I barely got to hold my own child!! :evil: On the last day of being in the hospital, I actually asked for no one but my dh to be in the room.

Aussie mum I had a similar experience kinda. I delivered on a Wednesday morning (4:34am) and transferred to the local unit. I got my first visitor at about 11am I think... it was morning I know that much LOL And it was my dad. I was ok with that but what shocked me is that I was actually not in the room at the time. I went to the toilet and came back in to find him in the room looking at Abby in the bassinet/plastic box. Now had that been my MIL or FIL or anyone other than my mother,father and sister I would have freaked and had words with the hospital. IMO no one should be entering that room when the mother is not there. They didn't ask if I wanted such and such there. They didn't ask if there was anyone I didn't want to see. KWIM I don't even know if they asked who he was or if they would have just let anyone go in there if they said they were there to see me and my baby. And to me that is wrong. It is a security issue IMO because someone that knows me by name could just come in and say they were there to visit and then snatch Abby and take off. And they don't have security guards so I doubt the midwife or any of the other ladies there would be able to do much to get baby back.
So that is one thing I will be bringing up with my midwife and the hospital this time before Sophie is due. I will be telling them that they must ask peoples names and their relationship to me and then come and make sure it's ok and if I'm not in the room then they must wait until I get back before letting someone go in.

Other rules will be...

1. Only 2 visitors max at one time.
2. Must have asked if it's ok to come in first. (midwife can ask me.. incase I'm breastfeeding)
3. Must not stay longer than 15 minutes ... might consider 30 minutes but depends on who it is.
4. Must wash their hands before handling baby.
5. If you are sick ... go away! I don't want to get sick or baby to get sick.
6. MIL and SIL and their partners not welcome. Also L&B and A&K not welcome (family members that we are not speaking to).
7. Please don't bring gifts other than flowers/cards to hospital because it is extra packing I have to make room for in my bags and I don't want things getting damaged. I don't plan on being in hospital for long and I can wait until we are home.

Once home...

8. Must phone first and make sure it's ok. Incase I'm breastfeeding.
9. Must wash hands before handling baby.
10. Must not be sick.
11. I won't be making drinks for anyone. If Paul is not here to make them then guests can make their own drinks.
12. Don't come over expecting house to be very tidy and if something is on the couch/in their way they can move it themselves.

Renee LOL! I say hand them a vaccume and dust mop as soon as they walk through the door!!!

Honestly, I am going to be firm this time and say "If you can accept I have 3 kids, and my house isn't perfect don't bother coming around"

I definately think that maternity wards need better security similar to paedatric wards! The last hospital I was in, you could just walk from the elevators right into the maternity wing but when my son was in the paediatric ward there was a gate which you had to take some time to get through and the nurses desk was RIGHT there so no one could get in or out without being seen. Not sure what the hospital is like I am going to now, haven't had my orientation yet.

I am also going to speak to the midwife about whether they have signs such as B/F DND. Or "please knock" signs. I mean I don't care if my Mum sees me B/F, but I certainly don't want anyone else around (I know exactly what will happen, I will be given lectures about breasfeeding!!).

[NZMummy]

I am interested about the number of you who say that people would have to wash their hands before holding baby. I was quite worried about this with my son - but I think if I requested that visitors washed their hands my husband would get very annoyed (he would consider it rude and he has very little tolerance for any of my concerns about germs - I have a history of having a bit of a phobia in that area). I really hate the way some people insist on poking at a newborns face and hands with their grubby fingers.

I didn't find that I got a huge amount of visitors when my son was born. I had been worried about too many people visiting at once in the hospital (I had seen SIL get a whole room full of relatives trying to hold the baby - and I didn't like the idea of it at all). So, I got people to organise suitable visiting times with hubby if they wanted to come to the hospital. But we don't have any really pushy relatives or friends (they would all check first before visiting and would stay away if they were sick). I think some relatives came hoping to hold baby but didn't get to do this because he was asleep (and I wouldn't let him be disturbed if he was dozing).

We had members of our church bring meals for the first week home when they visited (that was really appreciated).

[love2bmom]

Just keep a bottle of instant hand sanitizer next to you, not as good as soap, but just say can you just rub a little of this on before you hold the baby. Just tell them there are sooo many bugs going around. Keep it nice & no one should have a problem. DH shouldn't worry about asking folks to wash especially if he doesn't want to have a sick mommy or baby. :D
We also had our care group from church bring meals for two weeks, but they would call before they came. It was rather low key.

[sdsams]

Girls, I love reading all of this. This being my first, I still feel like I have no clue on a lot of things. So this has been very helpful. I know I won't mind my family (mom, dad, grandmother, & sister), but I'm honestly hoping in-laws do not show. I know that sounds ugly, but we just don't get along. At least me and husbands mom don't get along. To be honestly, she's wacko, and I don't really want her ever holding my son. I've already threatened DH that she will never be allowed to keep him let alone be left alone with him. On top of that DH's parents are raising his two twin nieces who are 5 and wild as can be. No discipline. Thank goodness I've not delivering in town but in Charlotte (larger city near us) and they usually don't ever go to Charlotte, so I'm hoping not to have to deal with them.
Again, thanks a bunch for such useful info for this newbie.

[cjropher]

I just skimmed most of this, but my thoughts are, don't tell anyone when you go to the hospital. Of course you have to have someone look after your other children. So someone has to know (my dream was: drop ds off at day care or playschool, go into labour as leaving, drive my self to hospital, call dh, have baby, have dh go pick up ds and then we can tell people... I'm a pretty private person... didn't happen that way either). But I'm sure you have someone you can trust to take your children and keep quiet about it. Then wait until everything is done before you tell anyone. Then you have the baby and it will take them a while to get over there and find you!

With my second, I was at home in labour when my mom called just to chat. So how's it going she asked. Well, ummm, and I told her. Shouldn't have done that! She told everyone! She was actually going away at the time, and I told her to go ahead, but she called my brother, who called the labour and delivery room (still kind of ew to me that he did that, though he was worried bc baby was 2 weeks early). Then my great aunt, her daughter and granddaughter who live in the same town showed up at the hospital while I was in labour. Thankfully nurses got rid of them after they talked to dh. Then my mom calls not 2 minutes after ds is born. ugh, next time, I won't tell anyone. Dh can stay home with the kids, I can do it without him... that was a thought I had last time too. But he didn't want to miss it. Isn't he sweet? I'd miss it if I could!

Anyway, my two cents that took a lot of room. Don't tell anyone until the baby is there. At least that way you get a little time.

Jay that sounded stressful!!!

You know what is great for disinfectant for hands it's called AQUIUS gel (hope I got that right), you get it for the chemist and it is actually something you rub on your hands like a moisturiser except it steralises them. When I had the twins I was forever disinfecting my hands to touch ANYTHING of theres (being pre-term) and I found my hands began to dry out ... but the gel worked a treat!

Also - when in big gatherings I am going to carry my baby around in the baby pouch I bought, I feel people are less likely to be tempted to touch her unnecesarily, or attempt to continually ask for holds :wink: [OKOK]

We have this stuff in NZ now called "Purell". It's a hand disinfectant/sanitizer. :wink:

Renee LOL! I say hand them a vaccume and dust mop as soon as they walk through the door!!!

Honestly, I am going to be firm this time and say "If you can accept I have 3 kids, and my house isn't perfect don't bother coming around"

I definately think that maternity wards need better security similar to paedatric wards! The last hospital I was in, you could just walk from the elevators right into the maternity wing but when my son was in the paediatric ward there was a gate which you had to take some time to get through and the nurses desk was RIGHT there so no one could get in or out without being seen. Not sure what the hospital is like I am going to now, haven't had my orientation yet.

I am also going to speak to the midwife about whether they have signs such as B/F DND. Or "please knock" signs. I mean I don't care if my Mum sees me B/F, but I certainly don't want anyone else around (I know exactly what will happen, I will be given lectures about breasfeeding!!).

ITA! Perhaps making a list of the things that need doing and leaving it somewhere where guests will see it when they come in! HAHAHAHAHAHA No, I'm just kidding. As long as they don't expect me to pick things up and move things out of their way. And I won't be making drinks for them.

Honestly I thought the security was pathetic. I don't know how they deal with visitors but considering I wasn't even in the room I didn't think they would let anyone in there KWIM? And how did they know that my father was really my father? He could have been anyone!

I know what will happen if I'm bfing and any male walks into the room. LOL I will go nuts! :oops: Maybe I'll have to bring my own sign with me and hang it on the door when I'm bfing. :wink:

GREAT idea to make your own sign! I should make a read bullsye which reads

DANGER - B/F In progress

LOL

I am interested about the number of you who say that people would have to wash their hands before holding baby. I was quite worried about this with my son - but I think if I requested that visitors washed their hands my husband would get very annoyed (he would consider it rude and he has very little tolerance for any of my concerns about germs - I have a history of having a bit of a phobia in that area). I really hate the way some people insist on poking at a newborns face and hands with their grubby fingers.

I didn't find that I got a huge amount of visitors when my son was born. I had been worried about too many people visiting at once in the hospital (I had seen SIL get a whole room full of relatives trying to hold the baby - and I didn't like the idea of it at all). So, I got people to organise suitable visiting times with hubby if they wanted to come to the hospital. But we don't have any really pushy relatives or friends (they would all check first before visiting and would stay away if they were sick). I think some relatives came hoping to hold baby but didn't get to do this because he was asleep (and I wouldn't let him be disturbed if he was dozing).

We had members of our church bring meals for the first week home when they visited (that was really appreciated).

Really honestly, it was just my MIL that made me mad when she first met Abby. Her hands are always filthy. I don't know how often she washes them but she doesn't clean her nails. They are always black and dirty. It's disgusting. So thankfully since she isn't in the picture anymore it won't be an issue this time...
I remember the time she gave me the outfit she knitted for Abby and the edges of all of the items were black from the dirt on her hands. She even said that was what it is and that they would need washing first. I was thinking "uh my mum knits stuff all the time and it is never dirty" "it's called washing your hands!" :roll:
The only other person I wonder about is FIL. I know what Paul is like with washing his hands :roll: rub a little soap on them, shove them under the tap for all of five seconds :roll: so yeah...
I can guarantee FIL will be the same... I mean where does Paul get it from? :roll: Sheesh. When I wash my hands I rub soap all over them, in between my fingers and thumb and really lather them up. Then I wash all the soap off. And I use the nail brush and clean under my nails. It takes me probably 1 minute to wash my hands. And in hospitals they have to wash their hands for 5 minutes! Paul takes all of 10 seconds if that. :roll:
And at church when FIL holds Abby he doesn't wash his hands first. He will have food on them and they'll be all greasy/sticky and he just touches her with food on his hands. That really bugs me. :evil:

I had visitors the day I had Abby that really should have asked first. I was only expecting my parents and sister and FIL and maybe my grandparents. Well I ended up getting a visit from our minister and his wife. I really wasn't up to having anyone else visit. I wasn't feeling that great since I hadn't had much sleep.

GREAT idea to make your own sign! I should make a read bullsye which reads

DANGER - B/F In progress

LOL

:lol:

I know I won't mind my family (mom, dad, grandmother, & sister), but I'm honestly hoping in-laws do not show. I know that sounds ugly, but we just don't get along. At least me and husbands mom don't get along. To be honestly, she's wacko, and I don't really want her ever holding my son. I've already threatened DH that she will never be allowed to keep him let alone be left alone with him.

:lol: sounds just like how I feel! I don't have to worry about the MIL or SIL. But FIL will be there GRRR
I also told Paul that MIL was never going to babysit Abby and that I would never leave her alone with her.

I just skimmed most of this, but my thoughts are, don't tell anyone when you go to the hospital.

:lol: you must have read my mind! LOL That's exactly what I keep thinking. Last time I couldn't do that because I had to be induced so everyone knew when I was going in. But this time I'm hoping I'll just go into labour on my own and we can leave it until Sophie is born and we go home before telling anyone. Of course, my mum and dad and sister will know because my parents will be looking after Abby for us. But if I tell them to not tell anyone then they won't! Otherwise they will have to deal with a cranky upset new mother! LOL
I don't want any visitors in the hospital other than immediate family and I'm hoping to get away with not having FIL there too! LOL But I probably won't get that lucky :(