How to handle lying

[Phoebe]

My 6 year old Alyssa recently just started lying! We have caught her in a few lies and she was punished for them and we explained to her the dangers of lying and how people would not believe what she says if she continues but, most importantly we explained to her what thru the word what is says about lying. All was going well until last week I asked her if she wore her uniform to school and she told me yes which I knew she had not because she did not hang up her school clothes and they were on the bed.

I asked her again and she repeated the same answer.

For the first time in her life she got a spanking.

I am not sure if spanking was the correct thing to do but, we have punished her, taken away her t.v.time and going outside and she did it again.

Has anyone else had problems with this? Is so what worked for you?

[rachel]

http://www.christian-mommies.com/columns/family-check-up/liar-liar-pants-on-fire/
This article/link doesn't have much in the way of tips, but it's interesting.

[Phoebe]

Thanks so much for that article! Gives a lot to think about.

[thankssign]

[~Tara~]

I've not reached that age yet with girls..but I know for my boys..that's been the age they REALLY have to test out this whole 'lying thing'. It starts a bit around 4 and continues off and on with another good burst around 6.

I'm still trying to figure out just how to handle it with my present 6 yr old. The other two went through it, they got spankings for it, they were told every time that lying would NOT be tolerated in this house, that it is a sin and alllllllll that jazz. Every single time we would go through the WHOLE works with them. The Eldest was really responsive to that. Once you told him lying was a sin, that he was in sin, sinning against God AND us, then it's like that lightbulb turned on and he would crack and repent. His stage didn't last as long nor was it as severe as the others. I think they just keep getting worse as I go down through the kids LOL *help! stop! LOL*

My now 8 yr old was a bit slower to catch on. He wasn't as responsive/sensitive to the 'you are in sin' tactic. (not that it's a 'tactic' per se, it's the truth, but, I think you know what I mean) He just didn't have that same kind of awareness as our Eldest. It's still that way today. Just different kids ;) Anyway..with him he also got the spankings and the whole works. Whenever possible we would prove it...call him out on that fib..bring forth the evidence. Then he would finally admit and would get the spanking for lying, repeatedly.
They are always told from the beginning...if you tell me the truth the FIRST time, it's better. Just tell the truth. You will still get in trouble for whatever you did..an appropriate consequence, but you will NOT get a spanking, unless you lie. And go through the whole thing of how we can't trust ANYthing they say from there on out since they've lied. They've proven themselves untrustworthy.

Now my present 6 yr old, Nugget, oh boy, he's a tough cookie. You can bring forth the evidence, I mean CLEAR rock hard evidence and the boy will still lie right to your face. And you spank him and he will STILL lie. And I am talking when you could have seen the offense with your own eyes just 20 seconds ago!! It's crazy!
We just stick to our guns and he is disciplined appropriately and if he continues to lie all the way through, privileges are taken away and/or he must do extra chores.

We often never do get the truth out of him. We just make it a point to tell him that we *know* the truth..he has been disciplined and now we can't trust him. And how hurtful that is. How much it hurts us, how hurtful it is to him and how it hurts us all as a family...that we can't trust someone. It still doesn't *click* with him, but it's all we can do...just keep reminding him. Stay steady on that course and know he too will get through it.

I don't know if I necessarily helped any..but...at least you know you're not alone. And it's just a phase. She's just at an age, she has to test those waters. Stand your ground. Be consistent. Apply consequences. You'll get through it.

[Phoebe]

Thanks so much Tara! I am also struggling with her regarding her listening skills and last night dh had to send her to her room because she was jummping around when he asked her several times to stop so when he told me about it I asked her why she did it and how important it is to listen and I told her that in the bible is it one of God's commandmemt...Honor your mother and father, etc. and how Jesus get displeased when we don't listen and she broke down in tears and was crying!

We are trying to stick to our guns and continue doing what we are doing and I praying that this phase will soon pass! [praying] [praying] [praying]

[~Tara~]

Hang in there..with consistency it will pass more quickly. Not necessarily 'quickly' mind you LOL But more quickly than if left alone or if you're all over the map dealing with it.

That's good that she recognized that..that she responded...was receptive in that way. Sounds like a repentant heart. Doesn't mean she won't do it again, she's still a little sinner. Just shows she's 'seeing' it. Progress is being made.

[Phoebe]

I am pleased she is seeing it!

We just got her out of that I can't stage.

Everything was I can't, I can't

and I took her to the word and told her I never want to hear I can't come out of your mouth again!

You can do ALL things thru Christ who gives you strength.

[4Angelz]

I'm so glad that you posted this! I am having the same problem with my 4 yo. The lying, the not listening, and general flamboyant testing her boundaries!!! I am so at my whits-end. I just don't know what to do now. My dad says that it's the "make believe" stage and she's not really meaning to lie... just playing make believe. But I can tell when she's playing make believe and when she's outright lying. It drives me nuts. I take away priviledges, toys, give her time-out, she gets her hand spanked, earlier bedtime, quiet time... everything that I can think of. Nothing seems to work really. The first lie that she told was a real doozy... she told my mother-in-law that I hit her and made her bump her head on the wall (she had a bruise on her head). What had really happened was that she was in time-out for hitting her brother and she threw a tantrum for being in time-out... well, she was sitting next to the wall and that's how she hit her head! My mil told her that next time she lied about anything she'd be getting a spanking. I was in complete and utter shock because I'd never even heard my baby girl lie before this. What a way to start it off! She hasn't lied so seriously ever again, but lying is lying and I will not stand for it. I'm open to all suggestions at this point. Although many have told me that it's a phase that you just have to wait out. I don't know about that and I really hope not because... I abhor lying.

[cmecu2]

We spanked as well with both girls. Our oldest was easier to break than our youngest. I think it only took one time, now Allison was a different story. We actually tried not to beat it into them about Jesus not liking liars and so forth. We did explain that it is wrong to lie and then talked about the little boy that cried wolf and that seemed to sink in more.

They both got spanked for lying, Allison more than Emily but it worked. I'm not sure I buy into the whole "make believe" stage. I think some things maybe but others, they know when they are lying. Allison was about 6 when she told her first lie and I think she was beyond that make believe stage by then. She knew she was lying to me becasuse everytime I asked her she gave me the same answer. I even reworded it different ways and gave her every opportunity to tell me the truth and no go. She even lied to me about lying! LOL! :-D

Spanking worked for us and it didn't take much. I'm not sure what you would do with a child that was extremely strong willed.

[Cheryl]

Aaack, my 7 year old has taken to lying this past month! And about brushing his teeth of all things! He was so busted twice, and like a couple of your kids, even when he knows he's been caught, he'll keep on trying to deny it. I was so disappointed and upset because he had just lied about this very thing about 2 weeks ago! He lost priviledges for a couple days.

So DH is working today, so I handled it immediately by taking away (for the next 7 days) any and all TV, including a movie he was going to get to stay up late tonight to watch and his games (Nintendo DS and computer games, that is.) Plus he stayed in his room for the morning because quite frankly, I didn't want to be around him. And of course I've told him the consequences of lying (that no one believes you even if you do tell the truth), how disappointed I am in his choice to lie, I'm hurt by it, how much I hate lying and won't tolerate it, that it's a sin, blablabla. I think I got the glazed over look in response. It didn't sink in on any level that I could tell.

When I went into his room before lunch time to see if he was sorry, he issued an insincere "sorry", and when I asked why he didn't come out and say so before now, his response was that he forgot to say sorry because he was too busy playing. [whatsmack]

I don't know if there's anything else I can do; I don't feel like he won't lie again because he seems to do it so easily and about something that is a stupid thing to lie about (I can understand "NO I didn't bring home any homework today" or something like that - understand, not condone - but "Oh yeah, I brushed my teeth AND rinsed the sink" when it was clear he didn't brush his teeth and the sink was dry. Why?! What am I missing?)


Do I just keep at what I'm doing, try something new, pray for God to convict his heart??

[kymommy]

I think it's important to be proactive and make sure to teach kids about honesty before they start lying. Have them memorize verses about honesty. I've tried to teach my girls from the get go that lying is sin. I have also reminded my girls that as long as they are honest, I can trust them. Because I can trust them, they can play at friends houses, go to birthday parties, go to youth group etc. Also, now that my oldest is 12 I remind that if she isn't honest, I cannot trust her. If I can't trust her, she can't be out of my sight! She has never lied to me yet, but if she does, I am going to stick to her like glue. I will be with her at youth group, sit right next to her and listen to all phone conversations, and I might show up at school during lunch, and she will not be allowed to go anywhere until she gains back my trust. Those of you with 12 yo's know that these consequences would horrify and humiliate any tween. So far, it's working with my daughter : )