I need help with letting go/teens anyone?

[luvmy4sons]

So anyone out there have a hard time with letting go? I went into a total funk last night and I think it was because of my 16 yr old's comment when he got home from work. He is my first born. You know how that is with your first. He has been working a lot lately. Usually when he gets home we talk about his day and he shares stories etc...When he came in last night he seemed in a bad mood. I asked if he had a bad day and he said no he was just tired. He worked from 11- 8. I asked a few more questions and he said with much irritation, " When I get home from work I don't want to talk about work." :(

I don't know why but that threw me into a tailspin. :? Suddenly I felt so unloved and unappreciated by all my men. I have 4 sons and a hubby and it gets hard being the only female in the house sometimes. They are so different. I felt as if the only reason ANY of them wants me around is to have their clothes washed and their dishes done and their food prepared. That I was just a rag to toss aside and an inconvenience because I try to get conversation out of them! It tainted my whole attitude and I couldn't shake it! I saw everything as a personal affront against me. They shot off fireworks...just to spite me because they know I don't like them. They played Splay Station and didn't give a hoot whether I wanted to or not. :( It was a totally ugly self pity party and I couldn't shake it. :oops:

I even left to run an errand to be alone and try to pray and shake it off and I couldn't. I think I was subconsciously thinking that eventually all the boys will be gone and you know how boys are notorious for not calling their mothers. And soon none of them will want to talk to me and in the meantime I am just being used as a maid and cook! I knew this was the enemy but the battle was so strong and real and I wasn't conquering. So I went to sleep. :cry:

This morning I realized that I was grieving in a way. It is easier to let go if you are mad at someone. It doesn't hurt so bad. But the poor guy just was tired and didn't feel like talking. What was the big deal? I don't know why it put me into a tailspin so! Has this happened to anyone else? When the teens start growing up and leaving and ...well you know. It is hard. I feel sad this morning. I need to get into the Word and get over myself! Gee whiz! I feel so stupid to feel like this. What is wrong with me? [whataaargghsign]

[stephwhiz]

I think it is so hard for us moms to let go of our babies so I can completely relate. We are so used to being their primary caregivers and being involved in everything in their lifes and then all of a sudden they want to be independent. For example my 8 year old can go to church jr camp next year for a week. It is killing me thinking about it because I am like "will someone put sunscreen on him or can he do it himself?" "what if he looses something?" "will he have a migraine while he is there?" "will he say his prayers before bed?" I worry about everything and I can't help it. There is a nurse from our church that goes with them so I know she will have him take his meds everyday (asthma medicine and allergy medicine) but it still worries me. I know I can't hold onto him forever but I want to. I'm getting all teary eyed now, but you get my point. Best of luck! Stephanie

[Madre]

Oh, Leslie, how I can relate! Nothing is wrong with you! Your son is just learning to be a man! I know the flapping of wings around here is deafening as all the chicks are trying to fly away or have flown away. I was just thinking myself, "Who will I be when everyone is gone?" Of course, this is dumb because I will still be "Mom" and "Wife" and "Child of God", but our identity is so tied up in our motherhood. In certain ways, they will always need us. Even when they're grown, they will need us, in a sense, as a sort of bulwark. When grown kids encounter problems, they will need to know that Dad and Mom are still firm in their faith and are able to point them to God.

[luvmy4sons]

I had a talk with him. Here he was thinking, I am almost 17 and I am working all fourth of July, but even if I weren't it isn't as if I was going to be doing anything anyway! Funny, everyone has their own emotional issues going on within! I felt so much better that he would come to talk to me. :) This home schooling thing sometimes creates some issues around here just every now and then. We have a church and he has friends there, but so much of what we do is family oriented most of the time. Maybe all the teens at work talk about all the things that they do and places they go. Who knows? Hormones maybe? And he just found out a good friend at church is leaving for the mission field in Louisiana. Maybe that is it! It is hard to say. But I don't think it had anything to do with not needing his mother or not wanting to talk with her. Though obviously he is spreading his wings. I will have to get used to it. But I think it was more that overwhelmed, what kind of life do I have, feeling you get when you are working a lot of 11-8 and everyone else seems to have a life and you don't. He has never worked full time before and it is an adjustment. Whew! Potty training was much easier than this! :roll:

[meg]

Leslie said:

I think I was subconsciously thinking that eventually all the boys will be gone and you know how boys are notorious for not calling their mothers.

Leslie, please, please don't upset yourself listening to this stereotype! :) That's the same as saying all girls will be close to their mothers. Yes, most girls are close to their mothers, but there are some who aren't close to them, or are actually closer to their mil. Personally, I'm very, very close to my mum, but I'm also close to my mil. My dh is close to my mum and his parents, and is actually pretty good about calling them and visiting them :wink:

As for him not wanting to talk when he got home from work, I can remember being pretty snappy myself with my parents when I was younger and had had a long, hard day at work
:oops: And that was as an only child who was incredibly close to both mum and dad :oops:

The reason I called your statement a "stereotype" is that it seems to be a common idea, but when you actually look at the men you know, the young boys you know, you'll find that most of them do actually call mum, see mum etc :lol:. Even when your children (male and female) leave home, whether to get married or for a job interstate etc., nobody will ever, ever repalce mum. Spouses do not replace parents. It's a different relationship entirely - one reason I've never really understood jealousy from either the parent or spouse (not saying you're jealous of future spouses!). One can never replace the other.

My mum (and dad before he passed away) truly did feel that when I got married they gained a son, not that they lost their daughter. And I know my inlaws feel exactly the same! On my last birthday card, they had written down the bottom "Thank you for making (dh) so happy, and for two beautiful grandchildren". :D I honestly believe that when these new relationships are viewed in a positive light (you're not "losing" your child, you're gaining another!), everyone benefits soooo much!

You have obviously given so much of yourself to the raising of your boys, and, I'm sure, they will be forever grateful to you for the love and time you have invested in raising them. Your future daughters-in-law will also be grateful to you for raising such wonderful, loving, Christian men!

I've often told my mil that she did such a good job with my dh, and I've thanked her for it!

Sorry, I've gone off on a tangent, haven't I? :oops: It's one of my pet topics though, because there is so much negativity surrounding the whole "in-laws" issue, and it doesn't have to be that way! Not only do I get along really well with them, and my dh gets along really well with my mum, but my mum and my inlaws get along really well too! When people put their own insecurities aside, and reach out in love to each other, everyone gains so much! You won't lose 4 sons, you will gain 4 daughters! View them as such, and they will love you for it! I know I love my mil, and she loves me like a daughter! So many daughter's in law don't get that from their mil, and I am so grateful that I've got the mil I do!

End of essay, and off my soapbox! :oops: :oops: :oops:

[luvmy4sons]

Thanks for the encouragement Meg! I agree. Just because the world says it should be so does not make it so. I am not having any rebellious issues with my teens and am enjoying them when according to the world I shouldnt be! I loved my MIL and miss her dearly. ( she died 5 years ago) And my parents love my hubby. I look forward to adopting new daughters! :) I feel much better now that ds and I have talked. It just smarts sometimes when I have had his heart fo so long and he closes himself off to me. Not used to that. But I know he can't tell me EVERYTHING all the time! Part of growing up. For us both! :)

[meg]

I guess that's just the way it is for us mums, isn't it? There's always a "stage", whether weaning, toilet training, or letting go :lol:

It's funny, in the sleep deprived baby and toddler years, it feels like they will be little forever. Just when it starts to go quickly it just when you wish it would slow down! :lol: