What do you do...

about rude comments when breastfeeding? (if you've experienced it) For example... when I was bfing Abby my FIL always used to make comments about my boobs being milking machines and things like that. They totally put me off bfing and embarrassed me.

I am determined to continue bfing this time... but I don't know how I can deal with FILs comments.

What would you do/say?

You could say "and your mouth is a garbage machine" LOL

My SIL's mother was calling my SIL a "good cow" when B/F as she had abundant milk for her twins :oops:

Isn't he the one who is creepy and weird? I think those comments are inappropriate myself and if you are too embarassed or uncomfortable to confront him get Paul to blast him.

Either that or say "yes they are" as it might embarass him back???

[Reneemomto5]

Hmmm, something I still have a lot of difficulty with-- just how rude and ignorant some people can be. Outside family included. So thankful for support of c-moms, and friends.

I wish I was more outgoing, but I am shy, and tend to nurse in private, my car, and if dire need I will nurse under a blanket outside as far away from people as I can be. I will not nurse in front of anyone eating or in a restaurant either. But that's just me, I have problems dealing with the comments, but I was determined to make this work. And believe me, it was well worth every snide remark, every strange look, every relatives comment on "how long was I planning on doing THIS" (they call it).

Find support, find friends, find prayer, and just use them for everything. Ask anything and everything of them, their experiences, rewards, difficulties, and been there done that moms are always very open and honest. They/we have been in your shoes.

Way to go Renee considering to breastfeed again, try it, its worth it. If you ever need to talk you can always e-mail me or PM me, I would be more than happy to talk about anything. I have had almost every problem in the book with prior tries to breastfeed that stopped me from breastfeeding successfully, but this time I had the support I needed which was key for me. I also had a very UNsupportive hospital staff after all my deliveries regarding breastfeeding. C'moms is a great place for support and advice. I can't even begin to tell you how much this forum has helped me. I love these ladies here.

Good luck, and you are getting so close. You must be so excited!

[stephwhiz]

Some people can be total idiots! I mean God made breast for us to feed our children and society has turned them into something else. I have to admit no one ever made a comment to me about breastfeeding but if they would have I would have either a) burst into tears or b) knocked their light out :lol: . Actually with the raging hormones, b would probably have been the answer! Best of luck and way to go on breastfeeding! Breastfeeding is a wonderful bonding experience between you and your baby and a wonderful way to feed you baby. Stephanie

[soulmom]

I am determined to continue bfing this time... but I don't know how I can deal with FILs comments.

What would you do/say?

good for you *Renée*! since this is your FIL going on in an inappropriate way towards you I really agree that it should be your husband to go to him, in the love of Christ, and stand up for you by telling your FIL how uncomfortable those comments make you, it's really none of his business, and if it comes to it he should just be told that if he doesn't have something nice to say he shouldn't say anything at all. pray about it too. honestly, there is no excuse for him to behave like an immature teenager that is going to make fun of a woman's breasts. :roll:

here it comes -[soapbox]- as for nursing in public, maybe it's because i live in southern california, people may be a bit more tolerant here, but i nurse anywhere and everywhere. today we took a ride on the coaster(train) to solana beach hung out for a few hours and on the train ride home my son needed nursing so I nursed him. It does take a little bit of practice to get the hang of covering up and being discreet, i would recommend practicing at home a few times first, figure out what kind of shirt/bra works best for you and a light receiving blanket is all i really use to cover up. I've nursed in fast food places, at the county fair where sadly i saw a young mother take her baby into a bathroom stall to nurse :shock: (yuk, i wouldn't want to eat in a bathroom stall either, why should a baby have to?). maybe i'm too forward, but if a restaurant is a place to eat and my baby needs to eat then why shouldn't I feed him? granted that, i wouldn't want to nurse him at a fancy upper scale place (like i can afford those places anyways [rofl] ) but i have nursed at everywhere from burger king to denny's. no one has ever commented to me though i have gotten a couple odd looks. i see no smoking signs all the time, but i've never seen a no breastfeeding sign ;). of course I totally understand where Reneemomto5 is coming from too, I was like that also with my first two children, but this time i'm just tired of trying to not offend anyone...

I know i am blessed to have a husband and family that supports my B/Fing. I think i may be secretly waiting for someone to say anything negative to me about it so i can open up a can of whup-you-know-what on them about it :twisted:

[meg]

Renee, I agree with some of the previous posters, in that I'd ask your dh to speak to his dad about the comments he makes. I'd feel uncomfortable too, if someone was making comments like that to me :oops:

With our first son, I was so self-concious, I wouldn't feed in front of anyone except my dh, my mum, and my mil. I just didn't have much confidence, as it had taken ds and I while to get the hang of it :lol:

With our second son, due to circumstances beyond my control, I found myself having to feed in unusual places a couple of times, so I just took a deep breath and went for it :lol: We survived :lol: Thankfully, nobody made any comments, except positive ones, praising me for continuing to breastfeed under such extreme stress - my dad had cancer, and passed away when ds was 8 days old :cry: So, on the day of his funeral, I was breastfeeding in the back seat of the car in the parking lot :roll: I dread to think how I would have responded if someone had said something negative to me :lol:

So, as politely as you can, stand up for your decision to give your baby the best possible start! :D

[Madre]

Renee, I also agree that you should mention this to your dh and ask him to have his dad stop with the comments. Not only are the comments negative and discouraging; they are inappropriate.

Soulmom, I'm with you. I have nursed babies in restaurants, pushing shopping carts, in parks, in church, etc. I always used one of those cover ups which actually covered me and the baby so it was a very modest situation. I don't think I've ever received a negative comment either, just a few odd glances now and then.

[luvmy4sons]

Here's what I would do after first asking hubby to deal with it and if he still makes a comment after that. I would with humility and sweetness, and honesty, no anger or malice, look him in the face and say, " I am so embarrassed and hurt by your inappropriate and unkind comments. I don't know if you know that or not. But I thought I would tell you that they hurt me and I ask you to stop them please."

Sometimes people like that cannot deal with a kind, honest and sincere response that calls them out on the carpet. They think that they can get away with outrageous behavior because no one will have the courage to speak out loud and reveal their ugly heart for what it is. But if you show anger it will satisfy him in some way. So a simple, honest, humble remark that tells it like it truly is and asks what you want from him, will shock the pants off him! He will be too afraid in the future to do it again.

[jamma]

Yuppers. DH should tell his dad to back off. Maybe if he's uncomfortable, you can tell him to fork out the money for formula!

I've nursed everywhere too. Have I ever mentioned how much I LOVE my sling??? It kept me nicely covered... the funniest, though, was when little old men would come by and ask if they could peek in... heh heh heh.

[Kerina]

I know there are plenty of people in my life who would love to say something about my breastfeeding in public (I'm completely covered and modest, of course) but they don't because they know they won't get away with it. I'm very confident in my decision and they know it would be futile.

You will never see me show any cleavage whatsoever. Tight, short, sheer, none of these words describe my wardrobe at all! I'd love to say something to loose women who have no decency to cover up their nakedness in front of men that aren't their husbands, but they won't listen. It's these type of women who are perverted in their minds that find breastfeeding offensive, because they are oversexed.

Now for the men, who are usually oversexed as well, it is definitely not their place to express their disappointment in breastfeeding or to mention a woman's breast like that in public at all. That is repulsive. I don't care if it is family. If he is a pervert who can't control his thoughts, then he needs to ask his wife to go to you. Of course, that's not the case,but if it were, he should do that. Your FIL does it because he knows he can. I'm so sorry that you have to go through that. Hopefully your husband will say something.

Now, after I said all that, if a woman is showing her breast while breastfeeding in public, she is immodest. It doesn't matter if the laws of the land make it legal, it is against the Bible. You're asking for trouble if you expose yourself to another man.

Great to hear all of you mothers that nurse in public !!!! :D I know you can't do anything about the hardheaded adults, but it's great for our children to see how normal it is. As long as they aren't getting a peep show, of course.

[love2bmom]

I am on a b/f mission. I had a post yesterday in regards to nursing. I am in complete agreement with everyone. Be discreet, but do what ya' gotta do & use what God gave ya' :D . As far as the comments, I agree, have your husband gently ask not for the comments. I believe a lot of woman would like to b/f, but don't have the support they need. As mentioned in an earlier post.. I would love to talk with anyone. :D

oiy your FIL and my MIL :roll: I hope your hubby stands up for you this time..

[justmeNmine]

I always just rolled with the punches and kinda laughed it off; people who are small-minded and have some kinf of opinion" about it or think it'sa funny or whatever won't usually be changed by saying anything serious... it was almost like once they realized it didn't offend me or hurt my feelings or change my mind, there was no point in making comments anymore...

You could say "and your mouth is a garbage machine" LOL

My SIL's mother was calling my SIL a "good cow" when B/F as she had abundant milk for her twins :oops:

Isn't he the one who is creepy and weird? I think those comments are inappropriate myself and if you are too embarassed or uncomfortable to confront him get Paul to blast him.

Either that or say "yes they are" as it might embarass him back???

[rofl]

Yeah he is creepy. I too think most of his comments are extremely inappropriate. I'm not sure what I can say... Paul won't say anything. :evil: And even when he does FIL doesn't listen anyway...
Maybe I'll just have to not go to his house, not go to Church and not let him come over to our house at all... then he'll get the message!

If I said "yes they are" he wouldn't be embarrassed trust me. :(

Thanks for the first suggestion though! [rofl] I might just use that.

I wish I was more outgoing, but I am shy, and tend to nurse in private, my car, and if dire need I will nurse under a blanket outside as far away from people as I can be. I will not nurse in front of anyone eating or in a restaurant either. But that's just me, I have problems dealing with the comments, but I was determined to make this work. And believe me, it was well worth every snide remark, every strange look, every relatives comment on "how long was I planning on doing THIS" (they call it).

Find support, find friends, find prayer, and just use them for everything. Ask anything and everything of them, their experiences, rewards, difficulties, and been there done that moms are always very open and honest. They/we have been in your shoes.

Way to go Renee considering to breastfeed again, try it, its worth it. If you ever need to talk you can always e-mail me or PM me, I would be more than happy to talk about anything. I have had almost every problem in the book with prior tries to breastfeed that stopped me from breastfeeding successfully, but this time I had the support I needed which was key for me. I also had a very UNsupportive hospital staff after all my deliveries regarding breastfeeding. C'moms is a great place for support and advice. I can't even begin to tell you how much this forum has helped me. I love these ladies here.

Good luck, and you are getting so close. You must be so excited!

Thanks Renee! I won't even bf in front of FIL. I never did. I didn't have to though... he just made the comments when he saw me anyway...

The only thing I can think of is to not even tell him that I'm bfing this time and then he won't make the comments. He doesn't have to know...
If we visit him and Sophie gets hungry I'll just say I didn't bring a bottle with me so we have to go home... and I will just tell my parents that he isin't to know that I'm bfing. And I'll just have to make sure Sophie is fed before he visits us here (hopefully he won't at all) so he doesn't know. Because if I had to leave the room he'd figure it out. He would be like "why do you need to go into another room if you are bottlefeeding her?" KWIM
I might just tell Paul he isn't allowed to come to our house in the first 3 months! Ok I guess that wouldn't work...

Thank you so much everyone! I didn't expect to get so many replies! You've all been helpful. :D

I really don't think anything I say to him is going to change him...
And I know Paul won't say anything. Even threatening him with formula won't work.
I have done this in the past... he won't change cloth diapers and I told him I was giving up on cloth and he was like "disposables are too expensive". Well I told him "then you clean the cloth diapers then". Guess what his reply was. LOL I guess disposables are not that expensive!

(btw I may be buying fitted cloth diapers this time... if we can afford to)

The good thing is that one of the malls near us has a bfing room now! There are lovely little cubicles with comfy chairs and curtains to pull across. I am actually excited about it! LOL I don't think I can NIP... but we'll see. I am thinking I will be using the car or something if I HAVE to feed while we are out in public. Hopefully I can mostly work around that. I am getting a sling and also a bfing pillow.. .and I'm hoping the sling makes it easier to bf while walking around....

and tend to nurse in private, my car, and if dire need I will nurse under a blanket outside as far away from people as I can be. I will not nurse in front of anyone eating or in a restaurant either. But that's just me

That's me too! LOL

Thanks. I know I will have tons of support here and from other friends and family. And I'll PM you if I have any questions/problems!

I think because society is so ummm over obsessed with sex and sexuality instead of the whole human - breasts are seen by many as a purely sexual object and so people are put off by anything that's not young or sexual in that area - God did create it and I am positive back in the OT no one would have batted an eyelid over b/f in public.

Renee, I know it can be SOOOO Hard with DH and PIL because in the beginning I had to be so careful when telling DH how MIL was treating me because he would just hear "I can't stand your mother" in everything I said and become upset. We have had a lot of calm rational conversations about our feelings towards our respective PIL and we basically had to coome to a place where we were one on this issue, and one in the sense of how we were going to let our respective parents treat our spouse and children etc etc. I used to feel as if DH would never come to confront his mother or appear to be 100% on my side, but eventually he did and it was only through being calm when telling him of situations that have happened and he now acknowledges that MIL says "nasty remarks" to me and sometimes that is enough knowing that without having to confront her.

I know you have probably talked to Paul, but maybe sit him down and say why the comments are wrong, and if he could just say even "Don't say comments when Renee is BF please" even if he gives an ultimatum to FIL.

It's HARD I KNOW! and I realised this could be just running around in a circle for you because you have done all this, I have just found with DH when I present a clear picture without becoming hysterical or emotional or using "bitching" tactics he listens more and will support me.

I try not to use name calling, or labelling, I just simply state what MIL has done or said without necessarily attacking her character and that's how I got through to DH.

This is probably not helping, but I thought I'd try anyway :wink: I completely know how hard it is!!!



xoxo Aussie Mum

PS I hope noone is offended by me saying "bitching" that is the term for it after all!!! and the only word I could use to describe it!!!

[BlessedMommy]

Argh, this topic hits a nerve with me too. I mean, women walk around in public showing far more breast than modest breastfeeding women and don't get flack.

My in-laws would probably never say anything to me, since they're in favor of bfing, but if they did, my DH would blast them so hard, that they would never even think of mentioning it again!

It's absolutely nobody else's business how long I bf, or where I bf, or anything else, as long as I'm not being immodest or otherwise offensive.
By the way, Renee, good idea on the sling. I have a couple of slings and I'm sure that they will help out with breastfeeding immensely.

A little more soapbox, why is it that bottlefeeding moms can bottlefeed in public without problems and bfing moms get headaches? Everyone's feeding choices should be respected and breastfeeding women shouldn't be made to feed in bathroom stalls!

[7thHeaven]

Tell him to go suck on a lemon! :lol: J/K. I agree with Aussie Mum, agree with him and maybe it'll embarass him.

I think because society is so ummm over obsessed with sex and sexuality instead of the whole human - breasts are seen by many as a purely sexual object and so people are put off by anything that's not young or sexual in that area - God did create it and I am positive back in the OT no one would have batted an eyelid over b/f in public.

Renee, I know it can be SOOOO Hard with DH and PIL because in the beginning I had to be so careful when telling DH how MIL was treating me because he would just hear "I can't stand your mother" in everything I said and become upset. We have had a lot of calm rational conversations about our feelings towards our respective PIL and we basically had to coome to a place where we were one on this issue, and one in the sense of how we were going to let our respective parents treat our spouse and children etc etc. I used to feel as if DH would never come to confront his mother or appear to be 100% on my side, but eventually he did and it was only through being calm when telling him of situations that have happened and he now acknowledges that MIL says "nasty remarks" to me and sometimes that is enough knowing that without having to confront her.

I know you have probably talked to Paul, but maybe sit him down and say why the comments are wrong, and if he could just say even "Don't say comments when Renee is BF please" even if he gives an ultimatum to FIL.

It's HARD I KNOW! and I realised this could be just running around in a circle for you because you have done all this, I have just found with DH when I present a clear picture without becoming hysterical or emotional or using "bitching" tactics he listens more and will support me.

I try not to use name calling, or labelling, I just simply state what MIL has done or said without necessarily attacking her character and that's how I got through to DH.

This is probably not helping, but I thought I'd try anyway :wink: I completely know how hard it is!!!



xoxo Aussie Mum

PS I hope noone is offended by me saying "bitching" that is the term for it after all!!! and the only word I could use to describe it!!!

Thanks Aussie Mum. I am not 100 percent sure but I think I have calmly told Paul how I feel about this before. It's like he just doesn't realize how much it upsets me. It's almost like I'd have to cry about it before he would realize KWIM Maybe if the next time FIL says something that upsets me and I ball my eyes out then he will realize. But I won't do that because I am pretty sure that FIL would be happy if he made me cry. Ok maybe he wouldn't... but you'd think he would realize that what he says is wrong. :roll:

Argh, this topic hits a nerve with me too. I mean, women walk around in public showing far more breast than modest breastfeeding women and don't get flack.

My in-laws would probably never say anything to me, since they're in favor of bfing, but if they did, my DH would blast them so hard, that they would never even think of mentioning it again!

It's absolutely nobody else's business how long I bf, or where I bf, or anything else, as long as I'm not being immodest or otherwise offensive.
By the way, Renee, good idea on the sling. I have a couple of slings and I'm sure that they will help out with breastfeeding immensely.

A little more soapbox, why is it that bottlefeeding moms can bottlefeed in public without problems and bfing moms get headaches? Everyone's feeding choices should be respected and breastfeeding women shouldn't be made to feed in bathroom stalls!

ITA! And we got the sling the other day. It has pockets on the side too! It is for newborns to toddlers :D But I don't think I'll still be carrying Sophie around in it after she finishes bfing (which will be at about 1 year) because she'll just be too heavy! LOL I don't think I could carry Abby in it that's for sure! LOL

You know I feel like you can't really win whether you decide to bf or bottlefeed. If you bf you get the people who don't like NIP and if you bottlefeed you get the ones that think you are a horrible mother for "not giving your baby the best start in life" KWIM
I have heard of mothers being abused on the street for bottlefeeding. But how do these people even know that it is formula in there ... it could be bm for all they know! :roll:

[mommyto3]

currently my dd, who is 19 months old is still nursing. i just wore longer tee shirts and we just use a large receiving blanket. i also nursed my ds, until he was 12 months. he weaned himself at that time( probably because i was pregnant with my third)we have nursed everywhere, restaurants, parks, church, in the car in a parking lot,at soccer games, and my daughters baseball games. if they needed to eat, they ate. i never got any rude comments, not even with my toddler. (she only nurses 3 times a day, first thing in the morning, around afternoon nap, and early evening).