Parenting peacably with your husband

[mumof2boyz]

I'd like some ideas for how I can effectively parent my kids when dh has different views on things, yet he only sees them an hour or two a day. I feel like I know them a lot better, but I also want to be a submissive wife. Arrrrgggggghh! I want our kids to respect us equally. Ideas, anyone? Does anyone know what I'm talking about?

[luvmy4sons]

What kind of things are you differing on?

[mumof2boyz]

it's usually pretty little stuff... like I get to know ds pretty well & I know when he's kinda trying to pull one on me, but dh is like well it's not that big a deal. Or another thing, dh tends to yell at ds sometimes & that is so not what I want my kids to remember... they need to be respected. but I don't think it's my place to remind him in front of the kids.

[luvmy4sons]

Hmm...well...it doesn't sound as if you differ on major parenting issues. Just little stuff. I get it! :) I think that is perfectly normal. Nothing like a child to test the marital bliss! Hardest years of our marriage was when they were all little and running around. Good years, but tough! :)

I agree that you shouldn't correct or argue with your husband in front of your children. I notice that when I am angry and upset with my children and my tone isn't what it should be it doesn't seem nearly as awful to me as I am doing it ( till later) as it does when I am observing my dh doing it. I would try to imprint that thought in my mind and remember it the next time I was tempted to be cross with my sons. [crwy]

Could you have a humble and gentle and loving discussion telling him your concerns? [heartbeat] Telling him how you want to have a united front ( it's not a war but seems like it sometimes :? ) and you think it would be good to talk about this and that ( the things that come up where you feel your son is trying to get away with something) and just tell him how you feel. [teafortwo] A lot of "I " statements and not "you" statements. You are telling him your needs with the attitude that He is head of the family and you will abide by his decision, but that you are wanting him to have all the info before making a decision. [coupleofspuds]

I have found if I go into a discussion like that after some prayer and asking God for the right attitude and frame of mind it is much better. AND that if I rush into a discussion like that with an attitude of: I am going to show him where he messed up...well it doesn't go as well and gets rather messy! [whateww] Your opinions matter; and discussions, so you agree how to handle situations, if done before hand, save a lot of trouble later on. But I still abide by the thought that hubby is the head of the house and even if I disagree ( like I do about fireworks) I submit. Not because I can trust hubby, but because I can trust God. [redbible] And the degree to which I honor and respect and reverence hubby I honor, respect and reverence God. And it is hubby who is held accountable for his family before God. We are held accountable for how we obey our husbands and how we are his helpmeet! [loveflag]

Maybe after he hears how you feel when he pooh poohs your objections infront of your son when you are correcting him ( like when you think he is tyring to pull something on you) and how you don't want to do it to him either and how you think you two should be united he would be understanding and a few issues could be settled before the next incident. It's a thought anyway. Boy I sure did get on a soap box. [soapbox] Didn't mean to. [sorry] Hope it goes well for you. I will be praying. [girlsmiley]

Even in being a submissive wife, I do believe the husband should always put the wives views on the children and their discipline and in matters especially where the they are dishonouring her before anything.

DH gets a daily update via the phone on his way home from work about the kids behaviour each day. IF there has been nothing major I say nothing, if there is a more prominant issue that has happened, I will let him know and we discuss at that time how we are dealing with this.

I don't think a DH should ever say "that is no big deal" if your child is being disrespectful/ disobedient to you HOWEVER - this can only come about through discussion and action plans on child rearing with your DH.

the Bible says a house divided will not stand and unfortunately if there are "different" views on the raising of the children the kids can see the parents aren't united in this area and can worm between them or manipulate situations and have the parents contradicting each other - putting you off against other and then you end up playing "Good parent/bad parent"

If know that DH has disciplined one of the kids over something even if I don't agree and they come to me telling "Stories" about Daddy, I won't hear it from them. Vice Versa. If I tell DH the kids have done something or rather, he takes my side and if it is a big enough issue he deals with it when he returns from work.

Basically we made our plans way back when about how we would discipline and compromises DO have to be made, but not at the expense of showing a united front to the children. I suggest you have a heart to heart with DH and you both set down ground rules together and speak to him about your feelings. THat is definately not being a bad or unsubmissive wife.

The Bible in that passage of scripture about the submission of wives ALSO says "HUsbands love your wife as Christ loves the church" - it speaks of honour and respect and ultimate love, it doesn't mean that you can never discuss things with DH and express how you feel - we both take the WHOLE passage into consideration not just the submission bit - so that is how we are able to work together on this.

Also, if he vetos something full stop, there is never a problem because of the relationship we have where we both discuss our views lovingly and I have no problem therefore submitting if it's ever crunch time.

So just talk it out, sit down when the kids are in bed, make an action plan - it is a worse thing to resent DH behind his back than to worry about ruffling feathers on issues.