How did you handle the first girlfriend?

[tobikay]

OK, DS is 13. He is very active in the youth group at one of the churches we attend, the one we attend most actually. Recently I found out that he considers one of the girls in the group his girlfriend (she feels the same by the way). For the past few gatherings they have been obviously hanging out. She is on his myspace, they message back and forth a bit (he is not able to spend much time on myspace, I have arranged things that way). I found out tonight that she must have the same cell phone carrier as we do, they talked on cell phones for an hour and a half. (OK, why cell phones? Not long distance to call from our home to hers...) He is begging me to add texting to our phone plan (not gonna happen)... anyway, I am not sure how to deal with this. Part of me still sees him as my little boy, but he is taller than I am, so I guess he isn't anymore.

Then, I look back on my life at 13/14 (the girl is 14)...I pray that they don't go there....

Her fam is in the church, mom sings in the choir and such...

Help me girls...I want to watch over him, I want to let him grow, I want to monitor his phone calls and myspace, I want to trust him...

I don't know... all I can think of to do right now is pray. I know that is "enough" but....or grrrr, why did my baby have to grow up???

[Cheeseburger]

I don't have teenagers, but i was wondering if you've talked about other options with him? Or is this just the only thing he knows because his peers are doing it?

It's just a suggestion but you could (without seeming forceful or overbearing) introduce him to the idea of courtship or whatnot, like showing him a few books geared towards that type of thing from the library or whatever. I realize he might not be interested since he already has a girlfriend, but hey you never know what God might do... ? Not that dating is wrong in and of itself, but, it's good to have guidelines and it might open up discussion for various boundaries in dating etc, too. I wish someone had done that with me when I was a teen.

I personally wasn't allowed to date until I was 16, but that was bad because I left home at 17 and went crazy, because nobody really discussed how to do things or other options with me... so one thing I don't recommend is just putting arbitrary rules in place without reasons or such... like my mom never really explained why the rules were the way they were or what was expected when i did start dating or whatever, so I was totally clueless and have a lot of regrets because nobody really explained to me how to handle things in a practical, godly way. So I ended up learning the hard way...

[gen]

Toby, I agree with Cheeseburger. Courting is something that is probably new to most of us if we didnt grow up in a home that practiced it but it is something to look into and possibly consider. Definately discussing things with him and making sure he knows what is expected of him (and her) being a christian gentleman.

[tobikay]

Well, for now, they have't asked to do anything other than hang out with the youth group together, and of course talk on the phone.

As long as they are in a group, and the youth pastor is aware of what is going on and keeps his eye on things, I don't think I have a problem with him getting to know her, at least they are in a safe envirnment, and I know her family and such...I don't really have a problem with the phone either, so long as he stays in common areas of they house while they talk...no going in the bedroom to talk on the phone in private.

Logically, and such, I don't have a problem with what is going on persay, although I do like the idea of courtship and will be introducing this to him (I think nothing is more awesome than saving yourself for your future mate, if I could change just one thing in my life, that is what I would change, I would have waited for my husband).

I think that my problem is acceptance that I am not always going to be the main "girl" in my baby's life. He and I have been through alot together, although he doesn't remember most of it, it still means something to me, kwim? And, he is growing up. It is difficult for me to think of the changes going on with him..to see the shadow on his lip...all that.

And, at the same time, my dd is in kindergarden and making her first real friends, all the sudden she doesn't want me around as much...poor mommy...

HA, maybe I should read my siggy.....

[RhysMom]

Toby, look at things this way. No matter what will happen and the odds are that he WILL get married years in the future...you are the FIRST girl that he ever loved. That is a pretty powerful thing. Your job along with your husband is to show your son how to properly love a girl and how to be properly loved in return.

Sara

[HLButterfly]

Toby,
All of the above is great advice, my oldest son will be thirteen in Nov and this is one of my worries coming up soon as well. There is one particular girl in our youth group that he talks about all the time.

One other thing - Pray for your son to do the right thing, AND pray for your "future" daughter-in-law... this is something I personally never thought of until I read it in a book and then discussed with my mother-in-law and she said, she prays for me all of the time! It's good to surround our children with positive prayer (of course), lifting them up to be the children of God that He wants them to be.

Be Blessed, Heather

[JeanineAnne]

ah tobikay, you are doing a great job! Those milestones are hard *wink*

Our daughter is nearing this age and we talk everyday in our devotional time about boys, dating, purity, and courtship. It is raw and sometimes uncomfortable (especially because she still thinks boys are dumb, I tired s-t-u-p-i-d but it edited me *hee hee*) but my prayer is that we are establishing a habit of communication before we have issues.

Keep open communication and one of the things we've seen alot of our youth group parents doing is keeping any activities outside of youth group family activities...and many times both families together with the teens. If Raegan changes her mind about courtship, this will be the only option for her and our boys.

[gamommyto4girls]

I agree with others about discussing the principles of courtship vs dating. I also relate to your feelings as I sent my oldest DD off to middleschool this year and my 5 yo DD off to kindergarten as well. We were so blessed by the birth of our youngest in May, but I still struggle with not feeling needed/wanted by them in the same ways and the QUIET when I come home from dropping them off at their schools. In our church the children begin mixing with the youth in 6th grade (slowly integrating into certain activites only) and this is hard for me as are school dances and the silliness about boys that seems to be present when she hangs out with certain friends. We've actually been praying earnestly about whether or not to begin homeschooling- I'm not sure if we should or if I just need to accept this new life phase. I can certainly understand how this could be so hard to accept and would echo those who encouraged you to continue to pray for your son. He is so blessed to have such a caring mom.
((hugs))
Beth