Does anyone else love their boy to death but find it so hard to know how to relate to them/him?

With my daughter it is easy to know what she wants and how she wants to relate to me, she's more hands on - but my son... I always feel like I am seeking him out to see what he needs, like whether he wants to sit on my lap or hug - like she does.

He loves to play with his building blocks, train tracks and so forth and will be lost in this world for a long time and the whole time I am thinking "Should I be hugging him or something?" but I just go in and talk to him about what he's building and the game he's playing instead.
I do love him, but it feels unnatural to me to be asking myself what he wants/needs. Like I feel I should JUST KNOW automatically... so it makes it a bit awkward.

I find he almost rarely seems to come to me for hugs, but then like before he came up and hugged my leg and said "I love you Mum". When he gets in the mood he will talk the leg of an iron mule, but sometimes I get concerned that DD is following me around chatting away and he's off on his own (which is his choice BTW).

Maybe I should just follow his lead and let him come to me, but I worry about him feeling neglected!!! (not sure if you are getting the gist of what I mean here)... I am worried he will feel she gets all the attention, but in reality he doesn't strive for attention ????

Aussie_mum

I do understand what you are saying. :D As the mother of 4 boys though I have to tell you that they are just different. My first of course was a little spoiled for awhile but then number 2...he didn't seem to need as much attention and didn't seem to seek out the hugs as much as #1. I was even worried for awhile that he was autistic, but he isn't and wasn't. Boys get absorbed in what they are doing. They don't have the same needs and don't often express themselves emtionally in the way girls do. Of course you can't say ALL boys, as each is a unique creation of God. But I think it is okay just what you are doing. Taking interest in what he is doing. Giving hugs when you want them...Sounds like he comes and wants them too from time to time. It all sounds normal to me. The fact that you are concerned that he isn't getting enough attention from you, likely means that he is just fine! Boys are just different. Besides #2 learns quickly that they aren't the only one and they do seem to be able to not NEED your attention as much as #1 does. At least I found that to be true when they were little. It all seems good in my humble opinon. :)

We have a similar issue here...Angela has a boy cousin 1mo younger...I've seen them compared terribly over the years by the grandparents..Its just that Angela is all lovey , dovey, and Mr. M is NOT...He doesn't like anyone touching him unless he wants a little loving...He's quiet and he stays in his own little world...Angela on the other hand is loud and squeals alot and has to be the center of attention...Don't get me wrong, they're both equally spoiled rotten, but there is definatley a difference..It bothers me because FIL clearly cares more deeply for his granddaughter than his grandson :roll:

I guess teaching from the age of 12 helped me to understand boys and girls a little better..They're just plain different and we wouldn't want it any other way..

My hubby has no problem relating to Angela because she loves bugs and dirt and fish just as much as he does :lol:

It sounds to me like he is a fairly typical boy. I don't think that most males find the need to be chatting all the time and sharing their feelings like we women do. As long as you keep doing what you are doing and keep the comunication lines open, I am sure that he will talk to you when he needs to. My boy is only little, but I am savouring his cuddles and closeness because I am aware that he will not be like this forever. I agree though that you need to continue to offer him the option of being part of the conversation - I have always chatted alot with my mother and while I don't think that my brother ever felt excluded (he would also get absorbed in tasks), I think that Dad had more issues with the closeness that resulted between us.

I guess the main thing is to remember that all kids are different. Gender plays a part, personality plays a part, birth order plays a part, age, etc.

Our eldest son has always, always been a very touch oriented child. He's 7 1/2, and still loves being close - standing close, sitting close, being cuddled etc. He's also an extreme chatterbox :lol: Our younger son loves to be cuddled too, but not as much, and isn't quite as talkative. As long as you are "there" when he does want to talk/cuddle etc., you won't go wrong :wink:

lovemy4sons - BTW... my kids are only 1 minute apart LOL.

I think probably the twin factor has been what has caused the most worry, being that when there is a girl baby everyone is "Ohhhhhh" over a girl more so than a boy, so right from the start I was worried he will feel neglected.

Or when they see them together they tend to be "She's so pretty, she's so cute" more so than Jackson, - I am always concious at what his perceptions are at this, so when this happens, I generally pick up him and draw him into the floodlight too so to speak. Usually the comment is "Hello handsome" or "You can tell he's not the post mans" LOL (because he is the spitting image of his father, not one INCH of me in him... a really boy-boy - he looked male from birth)

When the boys do want to talk aren't they too funny tho? He will begin telling me about giant robots coming out at night and what should we do if Daddy turns into a robot? He and his sister talk non-stop to each other though. But she usually turns spokes person for him a lot of the time.

[quote="Aussie_Mum"]lovemy4sons - BTW... my kids are only 1 minute apart LOL.

Didn't realize they were twins! How neat! Still sounds as if you're doing a great job to me! :)

Well, just think, he'll have special status when the new baby arrives as being mummy's only boy :wink:

Or when they see them together they tend to be "She's so pretty, she's so cute" more so than Jackson, - I am always concious at what his perceptions are at this, so when this happens, I generally pick up him and draw him into the floodlight too so to speak.

That makes me sad, I often wonder if people realise how it makes a child feel when their sibling is "fussed over" more than them, no matter what their gender, or what the reason :(

As for being all "ohhh" more over one gender than another, I've never understood that - all babies are gorgeous to me, I go gaga over any baby :lol:. Personally, if at all possible, I'd be steering clear of anyone who obviously favoured one of my kids over another, for whatever reason. If it's family though, that may be hard to do :wink:

Boys and girls are SO different! My 8 yr old ds is very compassionate and well beyond his years in his thinking and education wise. My 4 yr old dd is still very clingy to mommy and very "mommy oriented". She is very smart for her age too but I remember her brother being more independent at that age but I have to remember that I had a new baby when he was that age and I didn't have as much time to "baby" him as I have her.

Anyway, every child is different and your ds sounds like a typical boy. I wouldn't worry about him. Boys are precious gifts from God just like girls are and each one of them are unique and special. He sound likes a wonderful little boy.

Stephanie

mm about the fussing over gender, Australia appears to be a very female baby favouring nation.

Not quite sure what is with the attitude either.


When we told my parents what we are having another girl my Dad picked up the phone and he has made comments in the past to me which were completely out of line like "I really love Jackson and that is something because he is a BOY" (like it's a disease or something) and when I said I am not having a girl he got kind of ... funny and said "Well I am certainly glad about that" - my Mum wasn't there and I had no excuse to make to him for phoning up, or if I got off and called back later it would have been suspicious so I just told away and took the heat.

That is so sad that there is that favouritism towards little girls. I see why you would feel the need to make special effort to ensure that he doesn't feel neglected. I only have a boy at the moment (2 years old) - and I think that little boys are really adorable. He gets lots of attention from everyone we know and just loves being adored. I am expecting another child in October. Beware any friends or family members who suggest that one sex would be preferable over the other :twisted: . We would be quite happy with either.

mm about the fussing over gender, Australia appears to be a very female baby favouring nation.

I'm just thankful that I haven't come across this type of thinking. You will always get some people that (for whatever reason) prefer one gender over another, but I've never understood it. All children (and therefore people) are a blessing from God, who never makes mistakes as to which gender/s he sends to which families :D We've got friends who are thinking of trying for a third because they haven't got "their boy" yet, which worries me - what if they get another girl? And vice versa.

Maybe I haven't come across it because most of our friends are Christians, who realise what a blessing each and every child is :)

Here in the South its boys they favor...Its getting less common as years go by, but when I was little, I was like nothing to my grandmother or the old man at the penny candy store...Nobody here in the South wanted to listen to what a girl had to say...Very old fashioned place....I still get some strange looks working at a mechanic shop....Some of the older customers won't even talk to me on the phone :shock:

My grandmother used to give chores to us...I was the only granddaughter there one day along with my 5 male cousins....They were given $5 each...I was given a quarter :roll: We all worked the same amount but they were boys....Grandmother told me little girls had no business about messing with money..

We were also not to ride bikes,play in the dirt, or climb trees...I didn't listen much to Grandmother :lol: My best memories are digging mud forts for G.I Joe with my cousins :D

But I understand what you're saying Emma...For a long time my SIL couldn't relate to her little boy...I've always loved all children, but boys do have a way of stealing my heart..All the little boys I've kept and taught have always taken to me, but then again girls too, I just love children...I think you're doing a great job :D

i understand where you are coming from .We adopted our son 3 years ago and i have had a hard time being able to bond with him like i did my 3 girls. I have struggled with this from the day we adopted him. I seemed to have an instant bond with the girls but not raising any sons i have not known how to get to know him. My hubby and he hit it off wonderfully at the very beginning and i think i was jealous b/c of being the mom and suppose to love all your kids equally. I have been praying about this and we are getting closer every day. Just hang in there and will be praying for you here.

I have a couple of kids that make me think. It is our styles that don't mesh, so things aren't so natural and easy. It's okay though! God makes everyone different, even in families. It sure helps me grow and mature! Some kids yank us out of our comfort zones.

One son never offers a hug, but will melt if I pull him in for one. Another is almost maternal in his caring for me! One of my kids expresses affection by never forgetting to thank me or say goodnight. Another drapes arms around me only when my hands are busy.

What a blessing to have two children so different! You will never mistake your daughter's path for your son's! He will never feel as though he has to compete with his sister, and she will feel secure that she has her own special spot.

Your talent at mothering shows in your questions and actions! Enjoy!

Angelsmom, I totally get where you are coming from! I live in the South too and there are still many old-fashioned people that think that men come first in most things. :evil:

When I was a teenager and even after the age of 18, as long as I was living with my mom and dad, they had a tight rein on me. It didn't matter how old I was or how responsible, they always had to know where I was at all times. I hear countless stories of what it was like when my older brothers were out with their friends all day in the woods or cave exploring or whatever boys did back then! My mom actually laughs about this! Even now, my nephew is living with my mom and dad and they treat him the same way as they did my brothers 30 years ago! Sometimes he is gone for an entire weekend and they don't seem to worry a bit! (He just turned 18. But it has been this way since he was 15.) :shock:

Anyway...stepping down off my [soapbox] box for now.

Yeah, I understand.

About my kids. There is about two years difference between my kids and I can already notice that my son is very different as far as attention goes. He is an affectionate baby at times, but he prefers to play and explore on his own most of the time. Aussie Mom, I think you are doing a great job and I wouldn't worry too much. Boys will be boys! :)

I have read a book by Dr. Gary Chapman, it is called The Five Love Languages of Children. It explaines that there are five primary love languages; and how children recieve and express love. Based on the book it sounds like your love language is touch and this is how you express (speak) love. Your sons love language is different from yours and he does not need to be touched in order to feel loved. This could be why you feel unsure how to speak his language. This book was very helpful with helping me understand my ds and be able to speak his love language.