Descrimination against younger mothers

I was interested to see that the above topic was raised on Australian Breakfast Show "Sunrise" this morning.

Just wondering if any of the mothers under 30 have encountered descrimination (rude comments to your face, overheard rude remarks, etc etc) when out and about with their kids?

I know I have! I am 29 and onto my third baby (I had my twins at 26) and we really get a hard time when we go out to the shop and so forth. my DH and I were even asked to our faces if he was working, or where we on welfare - UNBELIEVABLE (not saying there is anything with being on welfare, people often need this in crisis, but the stipulation was we were living off it deliberately)

Aussie Mum

[luvmy4sons]

I had my first three from 26-30 and then got pregnant with my fourth when the third was 7 months! I constantly got comments about it! I had several instances where they assumed I would pull out a welfare card and when I didn't they treated me differently. Most would ask if they were all mine! Like 4 is a HUGE number anyway? Some would assume that I was running a day care! I just smiled. " Yes, they are all boys! Yes, they are all mine. Yes, I am very busy! No, I am not actually that brave, I didn't have a choice in the matter" ( this to that I was brave to have all boys!) I would try to throw in the scripture by saying," Children are a blessing. We love each and every one of them!" The most offesnsive was assuming that I wasn't satisfied with boys only and they would ask if I was going to try for a girl. Some people just speak without thinking. I do that often myself, so I just let them all roll off my back. It got to be so my sons would chime in the answers for me because they expected the comments as well!

[justmeNmine]

I don't think that I have experienced discrimination because of my age, though several people (even people I have known for awhile) have thought I am younger than I am... I do think that being state assisted has a certain stigma attched to it and I have experienced that, and also have experienced comments about my kids because they are bi-racial- When I think of young moms, I think young, like teenage or under 21... Maybe it is my being a single mom that causes people to think I am younger than I am (almost 27)- I know a lot of people think single moms are mostly teenagers, chldren with children etc.

[stephwhiz]

I haven't personally but my 20 year old niece has. She is a single mom and strangers have openly made comments to her like "how old are you?" "it that your baby?" and they're all made sarcasticly. Just because your young, doesn't mean you not a good mom. Stephanie

[Godzgirl]

I have. Especially when i was pregnant with my daughter and after i had her. I was 21 when i had her and looked younger for my age. Well i would always get looks from older people (especially women :roll: ). And people would ask me is that your daughter? When i would say yes. They would respond, Wow! You look so young or how old are you?! I would say I'm 22 and i know i look younger. It would really bug me! One time at the grocery store i was with my daughter and my younger sister ( 6yrs younger). And the cashier was giving me looks then she sarcastically asked "so who's baby is it?"(meaning was she mine or my 16 yr old sisters!) I was so upset! :twisted: That was so rude of her even the bag boy was like you could tell who's it is. In my mind i was like thank you! It's hurtful how some people can be. :x

No but I didn't think that I was young mother... my idea of a "young" mother has always been ages 16 (or younger) - 19. My mum had me when she was 19. And I had Abby when I was 25 (I think that's right LOL my memory is real bad right now...). I never considered myself a "young mother". Oh well... everyone has different views of what is too young. And I don't think someone in their 20s is too young. I don't even think someone aged over 18 is too young really. Here you are able to get married at 18 without your parents consent. So why is it not ok to be a mother after that?

Ok maybe if I was like 12, 13 ,14, 15, 16 or 17 then I wouldn't be surprised if someone made a comment in public. Not that it's anyone elses business. :roll:

[emilyrosejewel]

I get comments every now and then from people amazed that I am as old as I am, 24, people often think 18 or 19 and now that I have a son people ask if he is mine, etc. I just let it roll off my back. No big deal to me. My sister let comments like this really get to her and make her day go bad for someone to call her a teen mom or ask how old she was when she had her first, etc. I don't want to let what other people say get to me. I guess I have come to expect it in a way and realize people are just going to be people and who cares what they say. I also want my son to grow up and be confident and not worry because most likely he will face issues over his height, as DH and I are shorter. I got picked on a lot because of my height. It bothered me to no end when I was younger, but I decided one day to get past it because I didn't want to let other people have an effect on me and control my emotions. I am in control of how I feel. As the Bible says to take captive your thoughts and entrust them to God.

I get comments every now and then from people amazed that I am as old as I am, 24, people often think 18 or 19 and now that I have a son people ask if he is mine, etc. I just let it roll off my back. No big deal to me. My sister let comments like this really get to her and make her day go bad for someone to call her a teen mom or ask how old she was when she had her first, etc. I don't want to let what other people say get to me. I guess I have come to expect it in a way and realize people are just going to be people and who cares what they say. I also want my son to grow up and be confident and not worry because most likely he will face issues over his height, as DH and I are shorter. I got picked on a lot because of my height. It bothered me to no end when I was younger, but I decided one day to get past it because I didn't want to let other people have an effect on me and control my emotions. I am in control of how I feel. As the Bible says to take captive your thoughts and entrust them to God.

ITA it wouldn't bother me if someone said something rude about my age.
Also I think it's great being a young mother. You are much more fit and able to run around with your kids ... more than if you were like 35 or 40 (no offense to older mothers :wink: ) and your chances of even getting pregnant are always decreasing... I was so scared I wouldn't be able to get pregnant if I waited any longer :lol: so I decided it was time :D
I'm kinda worried about my sister because she wants to have kids but her fiance doesn't want to have any until she is 30. That's another 6 years away and she is also worried about it. She's had 4 people tell her recently to stop taking the b/c HAHA :lol: But she wouldn't do that. They are getting married in January next year (2007). I think she should TTC after that. I know she would be devastated if she waited till 30 and couldn't get pregnant. I know it probably wouldn't come to that... because my mum says she thinks we are extremely fertile (she reckons she was and I have been...) but we don't know...
I'm hoping her fiance (after they get married) will change his mind though. :wink:

I used to when I was 18 and pg and didn't look 18 but now since I'm stressed, have a little meat on the bones, and am well STRESSED!!! I get comments like " How old is your younger sister? "

Only she's the older sister 36 and I'm 27 :cry:

Its her going blonde, makes her look younger but still :cry:

[meg]

I was 23 when I had our first son, and 25 when I had our second son. I got a few comments with our first "boy, you look young", stuff like that. Actually, the other day I was donating blood with a friend, and was chatting to the nurse. I commented that the boys were both at school. She said "You look too young to have children at school", so I just laughed and said "I'm nearly 31, how old did you think I was?" She laughed and said "Oh, early, maybe mid twenties." That gave us both a good laugh, and I told her she was now a friend for life :lol:

It totally depends on the way it's said :wink:

[Godzgirl]

I was 23 when I had our first son, and 25 when I had our second son. I got a few comments with our first "boy, you look young", stuff like that. Actually, the other day I was donating blood with a friend, and was chatting to the nurse. I commented that the boys were both at school. She said "You look too young to have children at school", so I just laughed and said "I'm nearly 31, how old did you think I was?" She laughed and said "Oh, early, maybe mid twenties." That gave us both a good laugh, and I told her she was now a friend for life :lol:

It totally depends on the way it's said :wink:

I agree, it totally depends on the way people say it. Because when people make comments or give you looks like you made the biggest mistake in your life by having a baby, then it doesn't feel so good.

Especially when it's your first baby and it's one of the happiest moments of you life and all people are doing are giving you the OMG look.

[Gracie]

yep, it's horrible and pretty ironic. I was a college student married at 19, and we got pregnant 2 months into marriage ("yes, it was planned" :wink: ) well I worked with all these snooty ppl on campus and one of my bosses asked me very sincerly "So, do you have any help?" and I just looked at him like he was crazy, I said "Yeah! My husband, he's great" and he just put his head down and said "omgosh I am so sorry...I just...I assumed...Im sorry.."

[Rach]

all the time. People are like, are they yours? Wow, you started young!, etc etc

um yeah, cause if I was baby sitting, I would totally hop in the car and go grocery shopping with 3 kids, 5 and under??? NOT

I was 27 when I had my first, but I have always looked young. Usually when people comment, I say, yeah, I'm older than I look, thank you! Real nice, as if they are complimenting me. In my mind they are. After you reach 30, you actually cherish those comments I think. I know I do. :lol: :lol: :lol:

[KansasMom]

I think the thing that bugs me the most is the welfare issue. I totally understand that people need it but why does everyone have to assume that if you are young and have children that you HAVE to be on it...

Almost every time I get groceries I get asked for my WIC check. Yes, I buy real cheese, whole milk, multigrain cereals, eggs, etc...but it is because we prefer the quality foods over all the processed fake stuff...I get so agrivated because my husband works HARD to support us and then people go spouting off about welfare and needing assistance.

I just recently had an issue where I tried to return some formula because I found out my son was allergic to it (the can being returned was unopened of course, but I had a sample that I had used that he was allergic to). Anyway, they wouldn't let me return it because they were convinced I was trying to cheat the WIC system. I am about to go to WIC and ask for a certified letter stating I am not apart of their system so when I encounter these issues I can just whip it out and say SEE!!!!!

[BlessedMommy]

How aggravating. I mean, the least that they could do is treat you as an individual person and not make assumptions. Did you have a receipt for the formula? Hopefully, there should be some proof somewhere on the receipt that it wasn't bought with WIC.

[Reneemomto5]

I have had the same comments as many of you. You must of been a baby when you had your first son, no 22 years old thankyou. Are they all yours!! And like luvmy4sons I had all of those, especially the comment are you trying for that girl? And now that I have the girl, I still get comments, oh are you happy now?! What does that mean. I try to let things just roll of my back too. I state I wanted a large family all boys, all girls, however God blessed me I was happy. This was my dream.

And the WIC comments, I get those. The first few times it happened my eyes went as big as saucers as to say "excuse me" why assume that just because you see my 5 children. Again not that anything is wrong with WIC but why assume because of my size family I am on WIC.

But the comments are everytime we go somewhere now on the size family I have, so I think I have my answers now short and quick. Oh and gosh when I say I homeschool, look out because there are a list of those comments too.

Now that I'm 35 I like the "you're so young commets", they make my day.

[KansasMom]

Ruth - yeah...it all worked out...in reality I was just trying to exchange it not get my money back...so once they got it through their heads that I wasn't asking for money and I wasn't on WIC then they let me exchange it for the soy I needed. But it was VERY aggrivating that I had to explain several times...they had me pre judged as I stood in line with formula in my hands...the lady didn't even hear me say I wanted to exchange it and that the dates were still good...they just immediately started in on the WIC. It took me a good 5 minutes just to get her to hear what I was saying! Oh well...it is done with now and I learned my lesson!

Melanie

Oh yeah I know I have mentioned this before but the comment that really dumbfounded me (well, what could I expect really... I got pregnant out of wedlock but...) was made by a lady at our Church. When the minister announced (my father put it in the Church bulletin) my pregnancy and later on when we were having morning tea this lady goes "gee they could have given you a chance to get used to the idea". I just smiled and didn't say anything. What can you say really. I couldn't say "yeah" because the pregnancy was planned and we did want Abby. And I couldn't say "actually it was planned" because it was Church and we'd committed fornication ............ :oops: So I just said nothing.

Geez I really don't get people... why is it so bad to have 5 kids or to have kids at a young age. That instantly means you are on welfare or that you are like 16 because you look young. I must have it lucky here... no one has ever made any comments about my age. Even though I've had people say I don't look 27. They probably think things but no one has had the nerve to comment. It's probably because young mums are such a common thing now. There are young mums everywhere... :D

[BlessedMommy]

People can be rude sometimes, can't they? It's funny how when it comes to our sexual and reproductive lives, others can be awfully vocal, even when those areas are absolutely NONE of their business.

I think that pretty much anyone who has kids young, has more than 2 or 3 kids, has kids "too close together" (that depends on who you talk to, everyone's got an opinion on it), has kids "too soon" after getting married (please define too soon for me, somebody. that one is really subjective too!), etc. etc. is going to face some form of criticism.

Frankly, there's really no way to win. If you wait until you're older to have kids, people will start scaring you by talking about Down's syndrome or how old you will be when your baby is in college.


Can you tell that this is a sensitive topic for me? LOL. :)

Frankly, there's really no way to win. If you wait until you're older to have kids, people will start scaring you by talking about Down's syndrome or how old you will be when your baby is in college.




Agreed :roll:

[tracy]

Well, I just want to let you know that I am a little jealous of you "young" moms - well, not teen moms, cuz I know I wasn't ready then. :wink: I wanted babies young, but it just wasn't meant to be.

I guess I think under 21 is young for a mom. Around here I think women start 24-25yrs old?

Hey, Rach, my mom babysat 2 boys when I was around 5 and she took us everywhere - grocery shopping and all - she is a little nuts sometimes, though. :lol:

I think it is definitly how things are said. I've had teen mom friends. I.e., Leslie, I may have asked if you were going to try for a girl, but only in the best of intentions, kind of in a wow, I wish I could have lots of kids kind of way. (I'm sure that person did not mean what I'm thinking. Come to think of if, I probably wouldn't even say anything, just smile...)

And someone making comments on your age - enjoy the compliments! :wink: The welfare ones... :o speechless...

It is quite interesting to see how many of you mentioned the welfare issue because that is a huge stigma in Australia with younger mothers, people are actually daft enough to believe some women have babies so they can get welfare (?) There may be a tiny minority of people who do this...

Anyway funny story - DH and I were in a furniture shop and a sales man comes up and we say we are after several pieces of furniture for our new house, so he goes "Do you have a job?" (LIKE WHAT DID HE THINK WE WERE BUYING THE FURNITURE WITH). We were shocked because again the assumption we were younger with kids, thus on welfare. DH says "Yes, I have a job" then the guy starts going "Ahh yes, I am living proof anyone can get a job if they want one, it is good you have a job, all these young people living on the dole and having babies"
DH walked off and pretended to look at furniture while I was stuck with this babbling, nosy oompa loompa man.
Little did he know DH is in a specialised position and on the rise in that field - LOL. So when it came time to actually buy the furniture we went to another salesman with nosy man looking on and signed the papers with him, thus giving the new salesman the comission. Oompa loompa did not look happy, ahhh well that will teach him to be so nosy and condescending.

DH thinks half the problem is with the descrimination and nasty remarks I have had to put up with is because I looked young, but still that is no excuse to be horrible!!! He thinks I am looking more like 29 now.

(*I have nothing against welfare for those who need it BTW!, Sometimes it's a matter of food on the table and a roof over the head or not!! The Government has very good reasons for setting it up for people and thank God they did!*)

[tracy]

I hope I came across how I meant. I completely agree that there is a need for welfare. We had a very rough 6mos when we needed food. I'm just upset that there is such a stigma on young moms and of those with several children.

It is quite interesting to see how many of you mentioned the welfare issue because that is a huge stigma in Australia with younger mothers, people are actually daft enough to believe some women have babies so they can get welfare (?) There may be a tiny minority of people who do this...


See I don't get that. Because I'd be earning more money working full-time. So how are we benefitting from me being a SAHM? :?

[TIREDMOM]

I must look young or something, because when I tell people that my son is 13, they look shocked and say something like "wow you started young, didn't you." BTW, I'm 36 . . . I was 23 when I had him. :D

[TIREDMOM]

Oh yah! As far as the welfare stuff goes. Sometimes you've gotta do what you've gotta do. I've been down that road, and am trying to get off of it. The important thing is that My kids are taken care of. Mostly by me, occasionally by their father, and the state helps out a little too. They are healthy, happy, andFULL. I work full time, and get child support when he decides to work, but in this day and age sometimes you just need that extra help. . .no matter what age you are. 8)

[TIREDMOM]

OOPS :oops: I forgot the bold type was on. Hope you all didn't think I was getting angry or anything :lol: Shani

[7thHeaven]

I haven't on age but...since I'm black and my husband is white, we get comments and stares from what I like to call "simple minded people" (people that believe blacks and whites should never mix). There is living proof in my house that the two can (and did) mix and beautiful blessings appear!

WOOOW 7th heaven that makes me sooo angry to hear someone would even think that about you and your husband and be so racist!!!

Love is beautiful no matter what colour or shape it's in! I just cannot believe people in the 21st century would even still think that way. How can they be so dumb and still breath LOL LOL.

DH and I have had to use the salvation army when we had a crisis 2 years ago - aren't we lucky we live in countries where help is out there?

Renee I HAVE NO IDEA why people think that about the popping out babies and deliberately being on welfare, I think it is a stereotype and not really true. I think the theory is meant to be so they don't ever have to work which is a joke, like have the people who invent these prejudices actully had kids LOL. In saying that we have a cousin in the family who has kids and has never worked before and admitted "I am just having more kids I am NEVER going to work". I think that's very poor and she is making a stigma for people who have done nothing wrong except fallen on hard luck.

oh to make it more clear, the cousin - she got married had one baby by a guy. Threw him out after the baby was born, then wanted another baby so she asked him to move back in - then threw him out after she got pregnant. She wouldn't write his name on the babies birth certificate and divorced him, then she married someone else had a baby with him then threw him out and said "Oh I wasn't attracted to him anymore".

So that is what I mean by her not wanting to work and saying she is just going to keep having more kids - and live off the government (from her own mouth not mine). Not only is her attitude BAD but she is giving people who want to make descriminating assumptions fuel for those assumptions.

The sad thing is Katie's grandmother tried to raise she and her brothers as Christians but it kind of never stuck. It's also really sad for the 3 kids!!!

[LCLake]

I found that when I was pregnant and my rings didn't fit anymore, I would get weird stares. I'm 24 but I think I look a bit younger than that... people tell me I look older, but I still feel 12 or something.. haha...

I felt insecure a bit because I felt like people saw me as a teenage pregnancy ! Meanwhile, I've been married for 4 years! Anyway... I had to get over it because my rings just would not fit by the end... at that point I didn't care about too much anyway.

[JoyLynn]

I used to deal a little with that when we first started having babies, but only from a few strangers. What we've gotten the most of, is, "When are you going to have more?", and "Would you please take mine?" [rofl]


Joy [welcomewave]

Oh yah! As far as the welfare stuff goes. Sometimes you've gotta do what you've gotta do. I've been down that road, and am trying to get off of it. The important thing is that My kids are taken care of. Mostly by me, occasionally by their father, and the state helps out a little too. They are healthy, happy, andFULL. I work full time, and get child support when he decides to work, but in this day and age sometimes you just need that extra help. . .no matter what age you are. 8)

Exactly... I am taking care of my child. Not like some of my neighbours :evil: They sit on their bottoms drinking or smoking and some even doing drugs while their kids are doing who knows what. We even came home one day to find a toddler on the road with no parent around, wearing nothing but a diaper might I add. His "mother" was inside the house and when she saw us she started calling him to come inside. Uh he is like 15 months and he doesn't understand you DUH!!! :roll: :? I was so tempted to phone CPS but I didn't want to deal with any retaliation from them.

I haven't on age but...since I'm black and my husband is white, we get comments and stares from what I like to call "simple minded people" (people that believe blacks and whites should never mix). There is living proof in my house that the two can (and did) mix and beautiful blessings appear!

:( :cry: That's so sad. I can't believe people think that way. Who cares what color your skin is. It's not a persons skin that reflects them, their personality or attitude... it's their behaviour.

How can they be so dumb and still breath LOL LOL.

:lol: rotflmbo!

Renee I HAVE NO IDEA why people think that about the popping out babies and deliberately being on welfare, I think it is a stereotype and not really true. I think the theory is meant to be so they don't ever have to work which is a joke, like have the people who invent these prejudices actully had kids LOL. In saying that we have a cousin in the family who has kids and has never worked before and admitted "I am just having more kids I am NEVER going to work". I think that's very poor and she is making a stigma for people who have done nothing wrong except fallen on hard luck.

Yes I totally agree ... gives all of us a bad image. I guarantee that that is what some of my neighbours do. Like one lady I know... she has older kids that are now school age and she just had another baby. She doesn't even take care of the kids she has... see my post above about the drinking, smoking and drugs. Well, it's obvious they just don't want to work. :( :roll:

I may not WANT to work outside the home when Abby and Sophie are both at school but I will do it. I was so happy to leave my job ... ahem. But the boss was really nasty and I'd been there nearly 7 years and put up with him for that long...
When I do eventually have to go back to work I will NOT work there again LOL I'm hoping I'll be able to get some kind of secretarial job.

I used to deal a little with that when we first started having babies, but only from a few strangers. What we've gotten the most of, is, "When are you going to have more?", and "Would you please take mine?" [rofl]


Joy [welcomewave]

[rofl]

I used to work in a childcare center where "mixed" babies were frowned upon..I didn't realize what a big deal it was to the parents for me to absolutely adore their children as I do all children..

I used to get more comments about how I was different and special and the world needed more care givers like me....made me feel all tingly inside....

Oh buy I might add, personally I find babies of bl and wh to have the most amazing skin,eye,and hair color I've ever seen...Absolutely precious!

Ticks me off sometimes the way people are...I was raised in a racist environment......I just rebelled :D

Angelsmom - I completely agree with you on the black and white mixed babies, even asian and white... GORGEOUS! OVer here you would be hard pressed to find a full blood aboriginal.

My friend Crystal is half Korean half English and she is so stunning that it's not funny.

what is it in the book of James where Jesus talks about partiality and how this shows up the evil in peoples hearts and they make judges of themselves when they act this behaviour out.

Who was it talking about the wedding rings not fitting? veryearly in my last pregnancy mine didn't fit, so I would wear them on a chain around my neck... I just felt like to avoid more discrimination I had to show them - YES IAM MARRIED. Funnily enough in a lot of cases it's still not even enough to be married.

I can relate, having lost my wedding band now :( I go practically everywhere alone and do get some stares (usually from really fine men that I should be looking at in the first place) Sometimes its just flattering to be noticed :lol:

jumping track Lis!

Anyway, there's alot of judgement I think about me..You can't look at me on a good day and tell I'm sick so I'm labeled lazy..I live with family and mooch off of them while dragging my kid along and don't get me started on homeschool.ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh....

I'm pretty sure that "loser" comes to most people's minds when they meet me...and I've never even been on welfare....but I bet nobody believes that either..

Oh yeah pretty little boy in my old infant class was Asian/white...gaaaaaaa he had the most gorgeous little face!