Help, butting heads with 11 yo

[kymommy]

Help! I have had a rough week with my 11 yo. The basic issues I thought were well under control seem to be creeping back out now that my dd is getting older. My main concern is attitude. Whenever I ask my daughter to help with something, she sighs heavily, seems frustrated with me, then completes the job sloppily. She is leaving her stuff out everywhere and I have to practically beg her to pick it up. Yesterday she asked to swim (we have a backyard blow up pool, it's pretty big, but not a "real pool") and I said "no". It was in the mid 70's, windy, and the water needed to be changed, and I just didn't think it was a good idea. Well, she stormed in her room and slammed the door in my face. I think she is too old to spank. I have not had to spank in years and don't feel comfortable starting it back up at this age. I've tried talking with her and taking away privileges, and it works for a very short time. She usually ends up crying hysterically and feeling very guilty, apologizing over and over, I feel bad, we hug, forgive, then a few days later "BAM" the same thing over again.
i just want a warm consitant approach, but one that is effective and will last more than one episode. I can almost feel the emotions in her coming to the surface as she moves into her teen years. I'm afraid I'm in for a rough ride. Any thoughts, suggestions, books, etc. would be appreciated.

[~Tara~]

I think I'd start with a chat. Sit down over tea perhaps. Make it as gentle as you can. And just let her know, you've noticed a change in her behavior and it isn't for the better. What does *she* suppose might be causing that? And let her know what *you* think might be causing it. Just let her know her behavior is unacceptable. Show her that the lines of communication are open to you.
And I would even tell her that you think she is too old to be spanked, however, her behavior is such that deserves it. And that if she cannot get a better handle on this behavior...you *will* revert to a spanking as necessary.

I just think this may be a good time for a girl talk :) She's going through another change in her life. You know, that time *is* near and the emotions run amuck well before that actually starts. She needs to know that yes, these things happen. Emotions run wild and we have a hard time reining them in..but we have to try. And that's what you want from her...to try more often. To stop and think. To realize that she is lashing out, being disrespectful and it will not be tolerated. Privileges will be lost for such behavior. And spanking will be used if the verbal repremands do not work after X period of time.

That's what I think I would do anyway.

The best I can relate to your situation is my 10 yr old boy. He's never slammed a door in my face. Just had a wee bit of attitude and less than sufficient/efficient jobs done. We think he has crossed that line and is now too old to need to be spanked. However, he was once for this behavior. The first spanking he'd had in a good while. He didn't like that idea one bit. But I basically told him if he's going to act like a baby, he'll be treated like one, with a spanking for bad behavior. And reminded him that I shouldn't have to spank my 10 yr old any more. Actually, he wasn't yet 10, because that was months ago and he just turned 10 in April. But anyway...

Keep in prayer, know that this is a phase. It's a difficult time. Do your best to be patient and understanding. And talk. Talk to her lots. Explain to her her errors and help with suggestions for changing and preventing those behaviors in the future.

HTH *shrug*

[kanaclark]

totally agree with Tara on that one. If they act like a baby, they get treated as one. i tell gabe that all the time. He's 7. I'm about to mosy over to my journal and post about that, so feel free to follow me over. I won't hijack your thread :-)

but yeah, just remember that it's phase. (at least we hope!)

[HLButterfly]

I also agree with Tara... one other suggestion - is to let her know that if she thinks its okay to slam doors, then you'll remove the door from it's hinges if this becomes a problem.
That worked wonders for me when I was about 12-13 y/o if I'm remembering the age right. lol = but I haven't had to use it on my own, thank God. They have been told of my experience though, as to try and divert them from slamming doors.

Many prayers coming your way - strength and guidance from God above!
God Bless, Heather

[kymommy]

I also agree with Tara... one other suggestion - is to let her know that if she thinks its okay to slam doors, then you'll remove the door from it's hinges if this becomes a problem.


I like that idea! I will definately use that one! I may re-thing the spanking think too. It was sooo effective for us when she was younger. I thought all that discipline we did when they were younger was supposed to last a lifetime :D Guess a "booster" is needed during the tween/teen years.
Thank you all for responding. I know I need to talk more. I get so angry when she is disrespectful that I can't talk. And when things are going "good", I hate to bring up a tough subject, but it's got to be done. These past few monthes have kind of made me dread the teen years and I don't want to feel that way. I want to look forward to them and remain so close to my daughter as she grows up. That's my prayer, anyway. It's so bittersweet. My baby girl is growing up! :cry:

[~Tara~]

yep I'm all for door removal too :)
doors are a privilege hehe
and yes, a 'booster' is needed..this is a tough time..this 9, 10 - 13 span, tough, tough, time
just let her know you WILL reinstate the spanking if needed...but know that you will use serious discretion in doing so..it should only take a time or two ;)
maybe a time or two here and then another time or two there, but, ya know...it really shouldn't take much
good 'luck' :)

[kanaclark]

yeah, taking the door off will help.

with Gabe, he kept leaving his light on in the bathroom and we're in a doublewide, so you know, that second bathroom has NO outside light coming in. anyway, after peeing, pooping and bathing in the dark, he quickly learned to turn the lights out after we removed his light bulb for almost a week.

[pioneerchristianmomof3]

I too am a door remover mom!! It really works!

I am having a similar struggle with my 15yr old and doing chores "halfway".
I tried the usual disciplines(grounding, doing chore again, adding more chores...etc) Nothing was working. I told her how she was being disobedient and disrespectful. Of course she "didn't get it" :roll: so I told her that if she was only going to do a half job, she would only get half pay.
For example:
she only cleaned up half the kitchen, was asked 3 times to clean it proper. She was asked to help stain the fence, and did a really crappy job. Saturday morning comes, and she gets only half her allowance. Boy did we see sparks, hehe...Sat afternoon she wants a ride to the lake with her friend who is visiting from AB. Okay, no prob...I drove halfway there and made them get out and walk, about 20 blocks! HEHEHEHEHE.
Chores have been done properly since Sat!!!

[Geri]

Totally agree with door removal!! I'm a mom who has been there and done that also. Been through these crazy emotions with my dd who is 14 now; and we continue to go through it. My best advice is to just be consistent; that's where my problem really was. I wouldn't follow through with my stated punishments in the beginning. When that door came off though she started listening. I think the sloppiness is something evidently they all do. :roll: Good luck, and I'll be praying for you!!