Very concerned and in need of advice and prayers please

[harmony5]

I have discovered some very disturbing information about my daughter recently. She will be 12 next month and I am just mortified over what I have heard and found.

Yesterday, I was out running errands and got home a little later than usual, so ds (Preston) and I took a nap around 2:30. Dd came home about an hour later and we were both still asleep. She came to tell me she was home and we had a very quick conversation. She asked to use the phone at 4 and I told her yes. Around 5, I was still asleep :oops: , and I was woke up by her on the phone. She did not know I could hear her conversation.

She was on 3-way with a boy and girl she goes to school with. She was acting very very giddy which is not her usual personality. She is usually pretty quiet and reserved. So, anyway, I heard her talking about this dream she had and she couldn't help what she dreamed. She was telling the girl that she better not tell the guy about the dream and obviously the girl was proceeding to tell him anway. So, she said she would just tell him herself. She said that she dreamed that this guy and girl "made out" at the movies. Then she kept saying that she wouldn't tell him the rest!! Well, finally she did, and the rest of the dream was that she "made out" at the movies at the same time!!!!

Now, I do not know what her definition of making out it, but I do not like the sound of it at all!!! I am so scared. She was acting so different and that worries me. Finally, Preston woke up, so I had to get up and she got off the phone. Then, we went out to my mother's house and she asked me if I would be willing to take her and a few friends to the movies this weekend. I recommended going to Blockbuster and renting a new release or two and ordering pizza, etc and all her friends could come to the house. She said, if we do that, then I can't invite boys!! :shock: I told her she was more than welcome to invite and friends even if they are boys but she knows the rules. Girls can spend the night, and of course boys go home. No touching and everyone had to stay in the living room. Please don't get me wrong. I do not allow my daughter to "date" even at home. I don't mind her having friends that are boys but I'm not ready for her to have a boyfriend.

So, I talked to dh about all this and he said we have to keep tabs on her at all times. I mean, I do that anyway, but he said we should start limiting phone calls and not let her sit in her room and talk on the phone all day. So, then he told me he thinks I should look around in her room for any incriminating stuff. I was not going to do that, because my mom did that to me a time or two and I just remember being so mad. But, my thoughts got the best of me today, and I went snooping. Not literally snooping, but just perusing the area. I found notes. I found very very very disturbing notes that I cannot even phathom my child having much less knowing what they mean.

The problem is, they were in her handwriting!! They looked like notes that had been passed during class and responded to by someone else. I will not give graphic details, but the word "sex" was mentioned on both of them!!!

I know that as a mother, you ladies know how I must be feeling. I am dying inside. I am so torn up over this. Now I wish I wouldn't have went looking in her room. Then again, I'm glad I did, because I want to stop the problem before it starts.

Most of you probably know that I had her when I was 16. I was not supervised because my mother was a single mother and she worked a lot. I was all about the boys by the time I was 13 and so were all of my friends. I was sucked in to that lifestyle and did not overcome it until I was 20 and had two children and no husband.

I have talked to my children about the dangers of peer pressure and the dangers of not letting God lead you in these areas. Of course, she is going to have feelings and desires. But I have prayed that she will fight the temptations to fill those worldly desires. I have used myself as an example to my children. I have truly struggled with my sins and my past and they know it is because I only cared about my own desires and never looked to God. I guess what I'm trying to point out here is that she knows....she knows...I have told her so many times what is out there and what can happen. I have told her about staying pure..not only with her body, but with her mind.

I don't know what else to say. I am hurting so bad right now. My heart is broken. I am so scared of what she may do and how far she may take things.

I don't know if I should tell her I know things. Dh says no. He says we should wait and he assured me the Lord is on our side and there is no need to freak out over it. I just don't know what to do. Please give me some advice, ladies and please please pray for my daughter. Please pray for strength and wisdom for us to do the right thing.

Oh, also, she wants to go down to her dad's house this summer. He lives at the beach--about 2 hours away. The problem with that is he is not a Christian and does not agree with many things we do. Also, he wanted me to take her to the clinic to put her on birth control when she started her period about 6 months ago!! :evil: :x :shock: I was so angry when he suggested that and we had a huge argument. He said I was naive to think she wouldn't do the things I did. Is he right? God, please don't let him be right.

Thanks again, as always, ladies for being here! You are all so great and loving and I appreciate this place to come to anytime!!

Lori

[stephwhiz]

Oh Lori my heart goes out to you! I dread my babies growing up and being exposed to things and having to go through the whole hormone thing and I pray they make good decisions. I pray that the things I have taught them will stick with them and they follow the Lord. I know how hard it is to be a teen and pre-teen and the pressures that are out there are so real.

Have you had "the talk" with your daughter? If not, I would do that and give her the facts about sex and sexually transmitted diseases, and drugs. You want her to have the facts on these matters.

I really don't know how you should address the notes you found. I have not been in that situation so it is easy for me to say to talk to her about them but I really don't know if that is what is best or not. I would pray for guidance from God and he will lead you in what to do.

As far as her dad, I do not agree with him that it is to be expected that she will become sexually active and needs to be on the pill. I think putting her on the pill might be telling her that it is okay to have sex and in some ways encouraging it. If you decide to let her go see him this summer then I would have a long talk with him and lay down some rules for her. Again I have not been in that situation so it is easy for me to say this.

Maybe some of the ladies here that have or have had teens can help you address some of the questions that I haven't experienced yet with my kids.

God bless and turm it over to HIM, he will lead you!

Stephanie :D

[tobikay]

I am sorry that I don't have any advice for you either, other than what has already been said, but as the mother of a 12 year old boy, I am officially terrified! [whateww] [prayer] [crytantrum] [cry] :shock: yes, I think that about sums it up....

[soulmom]

harmony5- we have a lot in common! my dd will be 12 in sept and I had her two weeks after I turned 17. we are having similar struggles with her. she thinks there's nothing wrong with having a boyfriend, asking boys to call our house (which we have forbidden) or emailing boys (which we keep very close tabs on).

to make it worse, she spends weekends at her dads house, and they are not walking with the lord, they let her do whatever she wants, buy her inappropriate clothes and makeup and music, like Pink and Beyonce and Gwen Stephani... :evil: they even let her go to school dances, even when she's supposed to be grounded for not getting her homework done during the week.

i feel like i'm losing her. I don't know what i'm doing. i know i made some compromises in my life, and I don't ever want her to feel like she was unwanted, but i don't want to see her lose all the freedoms i lost at such an early age. i know she has dreams and aspirations, and i want to encourage those things without her feeling like she needs a boyfriend to be validated or to be a complete person... she should be looking to Jesus for that.

i will be praying for you and your daughter, will you please pray for me and mine. i think we could go on for hours between us with what these girls are going through. pm me anytime and we can maybe help each other through all this stuff. the secular world is a scary place, but what makes me feel so much worse, it that I got pregnant while my bf and I were claiming christ at the time. we used every excuse we could find to justify what we did, even though we were both christians and knew we shouldn't have been having sex... I think that's what i'm most afraid of.

I don't really know what else to write about this, we are praying for her alot and trying to set reasonable boundaries, but some days it's like [whatheadagainstthewall]

[ChamomileFriend]

i agree with stephwhiz, that if you haven't already had "the talk" with your daughter, now might be a good time to do so.

i don't know that i would address the note you found in her room bec that might cause trust issues (that is a hard call to make), but i think it would be ok to say that the other day when preston was getting up from his nap you heard her say some things to her friends that concerned you, and that maybe she could explain to you what she meant by them so you know whether or not you should be worried about them. if she sees that you want to hear her side of it before getting angry and punishing her, i think that will make it easier for her to be open with you. she may think she is doing some harmless flirting, not realizing how easy it is for something like that to become way more than she bargained for.

ps: i am speaking from my own experiences as a child and of the children i work with in junior high - alot of them pretend to know more or have more experience than they really do just to impress their friends in public, but in reality haven't done anything and are in no rush to either.

[Beck]

I just have a couple comments...

First, you said that you felt bad for "snooping." But she is your daughter, living in your house. I personally think that today's society has put way too much emphasis on kids' privacy, which, in turn, enables kids to get away with so much! I think that snooping for no reason is an invasion of privacy and can jeopardize the trust between you and your child. However, if they give you a reason to look (i.e. questionable phone conversations), then I see nothing wrong in making sure they're not involved in something they shouldn't be - even if it involves looking around their room for incriminating evidence.

Second, you weren't sure whether or not to confront your daughter about the notes. Obviously, this is something you should do based on what you're at peace with. If it were me, I would confront her, but in a non-accusatory way. I would explain my concerns and let her know that I'm not out to get her, but that since I've been there before, I'm worried about what she might be getting involved in and that she's probably not aware of the damaging effects. (Isn't it great how Satan shows you the enticing side of sin, but conveniently leaves out the consequences? :roll:)

As some of the other women here, I can't speak from first-hand experience with MY daughter. But I can learn from what my parents did and didn't do. For example, my parents never had "the talk" with me. My mom explained what a period was to my friend, but never to me. Although, I'M the one who made mistakes (and I take full responsibility for them), I think that if my parents had explained to me the dangers of sex, I would've been more determined to stay pure before marriage.

I'll be praying for you and your family. It's a very scary place we're raising our kids in!

I agree with a lot of what Beck says, - especially about not having any form of 'TALK'... I was NEVER told about Sex or periods, I learnt from my friends... and this DID lead to conversations which were not appropriate for my age. I am not saying you have NEVER told your DD, but perhaps some honest conversations with her about sex, or finding a way to bring it up with her COULD Make her talk to you?

Maybe more education and more about what God expects of us, and discussion about ramifications (you have probably already done this right)

Also because nothing was ever discussed frank and openly (again I am NOT accusing you of being this way) my friends and I would get into some VERY inappropriate conversations even though we were in church and being taught Biblical principals.

She could be curious or trying to "show off" but it never ceases to scare me how early kids are experiementing these days! (not that I am saying SHE IS). Sex and sexuality is thrown into everyone's faces like the air itself!!!

You were right to stand your ground about your DD being put on BC at 12! Being on it so early can lead to sterility and other problems!!!

I dread the days when my kids get to this age, ... is she in a good youth group at church? I did a lot of work at church with pre-teens and early teens and we had some girls who were pretty - ahem - doing worse things than just talk (such as deliberately exposing their under pants to males), we just demanded they cover up and stop this behaviour - of course not so easy when it is your kid right?

I guess I agree with snooping and making it all your business! She is still a child, your child, which God has entrusted to you. You don't have to let on, WHAT YOU KNOW - exactly - but I would find a way to bring it up in discussion somehow, however hard it may be.

Just pray for God to guide you in wisdom, because at the end of the day people are only going to give you an opinion of what they would do, which might not be right for your situation!

[Mom2Three]

Dear Lori:

I have been there. I have two teen girls 15 & 13.

You must do whatever you need to to protect your child. If something bad happens to her you have to stand before God and be accountable. At the same time, you can't protect her from growing up. I would say that you just need to talk to her more about her life. Get her to open up. It seems right now you are scared and 'resisting' that she knows things about the world. You must move on to accept these things. Accept that she knows them, but that also means still protecting her. Get her to talk to you about her day to day. Does anyone like her? Does she like anyone? Remind her of the rules, but children will have crushes on each other. Tell her you know what it's like to like someone but that she must remain pure. Bring God into it. Let her know that he knows everything she does and she's not only accountable to her parents but she's accountable to HIM. Tell her you trust her, you want to protect her but more than that, you want to BE there for her. Tell her she doesn't need to be ashamed, she can come to you for any of her needs no matter how difficult it may be for both of you. And here's the toughest part, you have to let go and watch her from what she percieves to be a distance. She will mess up. This is a normal part of life. You must forgive her now though and let her know that you love her. SHE WILL BE ALRIGHT and you must trust God. Of course you're disappointed but you have to now accept that she knows the things of this world and protect her/without smothering her in the best way possible. I will just say that the key is open communication.

My daughter has messed up. My daughter has already kissed boys. That broke my heart. And she did it more than once. But because we have open communication, she came to me and confessed it.

I'll pray for you. Let us know how things are going.

Rose

[Mom2Three]

on a side note, I'm just noticing your child's name 'Barrett'. That's my maiden!

[JoyLynn]

Lori, I just wanted to let you know that I'm praying... [prayer]


Joy [welcomewave]

[luvmy4sons]

Do you have a courtship philosphy in your home? Do you expect your daughter to date eventually? Do you continually reinforce your belief system to her when she is at home through family devotions and stories about godly women with world views like yours and values like yours? Do you spend time in the Word of God with your daughter?

These are our weapons. Peer pressure is so HUGE! It is hard to combat! I home educate and we take a courtship philosphy and I don't have any issues because they aren't very long exposed to different value systems all day long.( Though they see it in movies and TV and we talk about it a lot) People will tell me that it would be too hard to home school. I tell them I think their job is harder. It is. ( I am not saying you should home school or that everyone should. One must be called to it. Don't misunderstand me) You don't know what is going on at school and she is continually exposed to peers who think and act and tell her differently than you do. But God is faithful. Nothing is too difficult for Him. His Word is able to cut through to the heart and the to the bone and marrow and change people. Yet, it requries a lot of work. It requires talking and searching for godly books and doing devotions with your daughter and talking as you live with her day to day about what God says on different issues as they come up.

There is a wonderful book by Joshua Harris caleld, " I kissed Dating God Bye" I have my sons read it when they turn a certain age.

I can only imagine how I would feel. It must be so scary for you and for good reason. I encourage you to seek hubby's advice and spend time in the Word with your daughter and not be afraid to guide and protect her. That is your job. Proverbs 29:15 says, " A child left to himself disgraces his mother." Open communication and studying the principles in the Word of God can go a long way! It isn't too late. This is your warning. God can help you! I will pray for wisdom for you. Maybe a nice little weekend away with her to talk about these things and talk about being a godly woman...and what that means and the benefits of saving herself for her husband? :o

[Robynn]

I have noticed throughout these posts that I don't really see anything in them that discusses your husband's role. It seems like this is a battle you are fighting alone-so to speak. This is when her relationship to him, and her father is most critical. Take it from someone who has been there.
That fatherly love is going to set the precedent for the type of male attention she will seek out later. The relationship with God and Christ will be very important at this time, too, for the exact reason. This is what will keep girlish curiosity from becoming womanly experiences.

With Zac (Now 13) we have had discussions for as long as I can remember, about relationships, sex, love, and ultimately marriage. He is allowed to 'group' date, that is where his whole class will go golfing or to someone's house for movies. Always chaperoned. Intimate contact is not allowed. I told him he could not date until age 17, and he flipped out!

Until I explained that dating is to find a mate, and he doesn't need to look for one of those right now. When a couple girls showed an interest in him, I remeinded him that fooling around can lead to preganancies, and that if that were to happen, he is expected to quit school, and take care of his responsiblities. He has seen my sister go through that, and I am pretty sure he understands the seriousness of it.

But girls are much more curious, and bold, in this time. I see so many girls chatting on Praize.com with him and his brother, and girls are asking the boys to PM them, or watch their webcams. The girls with strong relatinships with their parents, are just giddy and giggly. The ones wo lack that special fatherly love, seem more eager to find it, wherever they can.
Can you talk with other parents from her class? We are all pretty close, and I find that is another way to combat secretive happenings. Do you have a youth group she attends? Enlist their help as well. It is not snooping. It's not an invasion of privacy. You are expected to keep her safe. Diaries are expected to be private, day-to-day life is not. I wish my parents had shown more interest in my life, could have saved me a lot of heartache and misery.

[mamallama]

This scares me so much. I don't ever want my little girl to grow!! [cry] I will be praying for you and your daughter - that she makes the right decisions.

[pioneerchristianmomof3]

:cry: We live in a sad scarey world! A world in which teenagers are in trouble more than ever! The world and the media shove sex and immorality down their throats. Unless we put them in a bubble (wouldn't that be nice!) we need to arm them with faith,values and communicate, communicate, communicate.

I have made myself and my children a promise that no subject is off limits. I warned them that sometimes "mom buttons" get pushed and I might "freak out", but be patient with me and we'll talk it out.

I have learned to stay calm on the outside and I have managed to have lots of very open conversations. However I must warn you, you may hear things you really might not want to hear! LOL!

The most important thing at this stage of life is that your kids know that you love them unconditionally! Especially when they are failing! My daughter has made a few BIG mistakes, but I just keep loving her and reminding her that God loves her even more than I do.

Keep your self nourished in the word! And as trite as it sounds... this too shall pass!

God Bless! :D

[AngieBlessedby3]

I have a 13 year old son and I know that if you wait to have "the talk" with them much past 10 you are waiting too long. They are more likely to get the wrong information from the wrong people. I also think if you have the courage to sit down and have an open conversation with them like that you are showing them that you are their resource person for that material. My son always comes to me and asks me what "something is". I think you should let them know its ok to ask you things, even if it involves "slang words".

Something that I recently was reminded of at a christian conference that I went to was that one thing that you really have to be careful of when you kids get to the 12 and up ages about wanting to be the "constant teacher". The speaker says what happens is that you are so frightened by all the things that you think that you have not taught them about the dangers of life that you start firing things at them constantly like a "machine gun". And then they get annoyed by this and they dont listen to you anyway. She said what these kids really need is someone who is doing less talking and more listening. Listening to their needs. If we are doing all the "teaching/talking" they clam up. And they need to speak their mind, even though what is on their mind may not be what we want to hear. If we have taught them values, give them some credit they know exactly how we feel. Yes they may make a wrong choice, but if communication is open, hopefully they will be talking to you about what happened and why they did it. If they arent talking to us, they are talking to someone and we should be supporting them.
And they need so much love and affection. Especially girls from their daddies.
As I posted earlier this week in bible topics, it is so hard to remember the ownership of these children. We need to realize even in the womb whose children they are. Our job is to nurture them and teach them about God when they are young, then we must give them back to him for his purpose. We must trust that he will lead them and they will follow.


On a side note by having the communication open with your kids you can know who their friends are. Where do these friends go to church I even had a friend who changed churches because the christian kids were in another church and so that became the crowd that their son desired to "hang out" with at school because he liked hanging out with them from church.
Both of my older children love going to christian camp during the summer ( www.pinecove.com ). They have college students who are strong in their faith as counselors. They are able to see how they are "cool" and have fun but still stay strong against the peer pressure.

My prayer is that my son will stay strong and always be open to speak his mind to me.

[kymommy]

Does your daughter attend youth group? Maybe you could talk to the youth minister about addressing God's view and design for sex in youth group? Maybe you and your daughter could read a book together. There is a new one out called "Every Young Woman's Battle" (similar to Every Young Man's Battle"). Focus on the FAmily has a lot of resources in this area. Also, our local Crisis Pregnancy Center does a Bible Study called Dreamkeepers" that is wonderful. HTH

[myjoyoverflows]

It's hard being a young woman...being a teen or pre-teen. I agree with what others said about not wanting my little girl to grow up, 'cause it's scary...it truly is. I'm not quite so far from the teenage years...heh...I'm 19...so I guess you could say that I still am a "teenager". This was my experience...

I grew up in a very sexually dysfunctional home. My father was a very sex-driven man...and molested two young girls when I was about my daughter's age. I grew up being extremely modest. I didn't show any interest in dating until I was about 14 or so...and there were not rules about it in my home. I had my first boyfriend a little before I turned 17. I thought that I was in love with him. We met online...and met in person a few months later.....I wasn't ready to kiss him, but he made me....I wasn't ready to be in a physical relationship...I hadn't done anything physical with a guy before. Well, after I spent two weeks with his family in NY...we talked on the phone every day and he started planning to have sex with me the next time we saw each other. Heh...I didn't want to...but a part of me did because I was wanted. Sounds stupid, but it's the way that it was. He kept on pressuring me about it...and our ENTIRE conversations online and on the phone turned into him telling me what he was going to do with me....when before we met, we talked more about God...and the future...and what God's plans were for our lives together. We never ended up seeing each other again (thank God) but it really effected me. I was pressured....I didn't want what he wanted, but I felt like I couldn't say no to him. He was very controling...and no wasn't an option. I wasn't ready....but he made me feel like I was supposed to be.

Maybe your daughter just feels pressured. Maybe it's not so much that she's curious (though she very well could be as well) but others around her are talking...*shrug* I take it that she's in public school? 'Cause there are a lot of kids that don't come from Christian families who influence them strongly in wrong sexual things. I'd try to get to know her friends...get to know their parents. Talking is huge...I really like the advice that you've been given about being open with communication...'cause that's key. I would have been mortified if my mother ever heard the things that my boyfriend said to me....open the door for her to talk about the notes...I wouldn't tell her that you snooped...but open the lines of communication...give her the chance to tell you about what happened. I don't know if any of this has helped..but I hope that it has. Hang in there!