something to hide

[JoyLynn]

I was reading the thread Rach started about my space and she mentioned a book she was asked to read, and it brought up the subject of privacy for our kids. Well, it got me thinking about some choices I made for my life a long time ago.

A number of years back we lost 5 adult family members in 5 years. My parents and myself were the ones who went through EVERYTHING they owned, right down to the paper clips and last weeks shopping list.

I asked myself what the people I loved would find out about me if something tragic happened to me unexpectedly. Did I have journals that mentioned the names of people I cared for but talked about in a less than uplifting way. What if the last thing anyone read from me was hurtful and I wasn't there to explain that I was having a bad day, or that I didn't mean it? Hopefully they could understand that it wasn't for anyone else to see, but what if they couldn't get it out of their minds? I'd rather have them find me thinking well of them.

What do the books on my shelf say about me? What about the movies I own? Magazine subscriptions? E-mail? What would they find under my bed, in my underwear drawer, or in the attic? What if they checked the history on my computer? What STORY would these things tell of me?

When you lose someone you love you want to learn everything about them, what they were thinking, what their day looked like, as a way of holding on to them. What would they learn about me that they didn't already know? When you're gone there are no do-overs.

When the kids were all a bit younger we had cute little babysitters coming in often when dh and I would go out. Girls snoop! :D I did it too when I was their age. It gave me ideas about how to be a grown up, a wife. All my friends did it, too, and they were quick to tell everyone if they found something "WIERD".

I didn't mind at all when I found that some little babysitter had gone through my make up, photo albums, clothes, highschool year book. Dh and I had condoms tucked away discreetly, but I knew they would find them if they looked hard enough. One little teenie-bopper did. I was okay with that. It didn't reflect anything unhealthy about us and she was old enough to know that married people sometimes "do it". :D

I'm sure my kids are watching me closely, too. If they piece together all that they see around me, all they've found when searching my megga-walk-in closet for the wrapping paper, how do I feel about the person they perceive me to be? Does my life reflect that of a Godly woman or do they see someone who talks the talk but behind closed doors lives a life of compromise?

We are never alone. Never. Everything we do is seen. Our secrets, our hearts can be poured out to God and left there. Maybe we need think twice about recording thoughts that a mere human can't wrap their mind around. Journaling out your pain can be very therapeutic, but maybe those words should be burned on the altar when we're through and let go of.

Please don't misunderstand me... I lock the door when I'm in the bathroom and encourage my kids to, also, but if I forgot and one of them walked in, they wouldn't find anything that would cause spiritial conflict within them. And, I do keep journals, and I hide them where they won't be easily found, but if they ever were, I know no one I cared about would be hurt by my words.

Don't get me wrong, I believe in respect and boundaries in a HUGE way. We all need our space, but we cannot be guaranteed that we will never find someone in our space, uninvited. What will they find? One step further... What does God see when He searches my heart?

Dh and I have been raising our kids to think in this way. Yes, we respect their privacy. We knock before we enter. We give them time alone. But if they're ever feeling that they have no place to hide, I would have to wonder what's so bad that they NEED to hide. What would a child hold more private than a mature adult would? I wouldn't ask my child to hold standards that I don't hold myself to.

Having children has helped me evaluate how I'm living. If I'm careful about what I'm saying on the phone cuz I don't want the kids to hear, is it something I shouldn't be saying in front of God? I'm not talking about subject matter that is just too mature for children. I'm thinking more of gossip. Slander. :oops: Guitly! Ouch...

Well, I'm sorry for hopping up on my little soap box again. [soapbox] I do have a habit of doing that. :oops: And, I can get so wordy sometimes... But all this talk these days about a child's need for privacy makes me wonder why they're supposed to have so much of it when they don't have the wisdom to be trusted with it, and mature adults with wisdom and deeper discernment don't seem to need much of it. Kinda makes ya go, hmmmmmm... Doesn't it? :? Whose idea was that, any way? Just my opinion. Hope I didn't ruffle any feathers.

Joy [welcomewave]

[tobikay]

Joylynn, I love it when someone can take what is on my heart and put it into words better than I could have.
Your thoughts are well thought out and very true.
Thank You
tobi

[harmony5]

You are so right!

I have thought the same thing many times. I want to know that when I die, my family doesn't find something that is not glorifying to God. Back in the day, I did have "things" that I didn't want anyone to know I had and would surely have been embarrased if someone would have found them. :oops: I won't go into detail. :oops: When my bil passed away several years ago, some of the things that we found were honestly kind of hurtful. I don't know if that makes sense, but you think a person lives a certain way and then when he is no longer here, you find out a little different. Of course, finding those things did not make anyone love him any less, but you know, it was just uncomfortable.

Also, I am so very guilty of letting my children hear me "gossip". :oops: :oops: Just like the other day, we were invited to dinner and I made the comment to my dh that I really didn't want to go to their house because it was filthy. Not long after, I heard my ds say something about their house being nasty. Now, although this is a true statement, I know it was not necessary. I should have just not said anything--especially in front of my kids. We also have a family member who likes to "threaten" everyone's children. Things like, "If you don't leave that alone, I'm going to spank you". That seriously irks me!! :evil: Although I've never said anything to her, I have talked about her at home. I have been downright nasty about it and I have, in turn, heard my children say things to her, like "yeah right" or "whatever". They usually DO NOT talk to grown ups that way, but I have shown them how to be disrespectful to this particular person. I have really had to watch what I say around them!! They pick up on everything and I want them to learn to use their mouths to glorify and praise God, not demean and belittle other people. I have to remember this when I start to gossip or talk bad about someone! They will never learn to do that if I am doing the opposite.

Anyway, was that off topic? I kinda feel like it might have been a little! Sorry!

I did want to also say that I totally agree with giving a child privacy. We all deserve to have some! But, be careful. I was always allowed to lock my bedroom door. I was allowed as much phone time as I wanted. I was also allowed to take walks. Sounds innocent enough, right? I can tell you, I was anything but innocent! My mother gave me too much privacy. She was very busy with 5 children and a job, so that didn't leave much family time. I was left to my own devices. When you are 13-14, you don't have effective decision making abilities. That is how I became pregnant and married at 16--not married and then pg, married because I became pg. So, be careful with how much "space" you are giving your kids. It is hard to know where to draw the line. Give your children to God and pray for them every day that they will have the ability to know the difference between right and wrong. I also think that making yourself available for them is a huge factor in their life! I love my mother so much for all she did, but if I did learn something from her, that is it. She was very rarely there for us. She had to work and we didn't get to talk to her or see her a whole lot. I think if she would have been able to be with us more, things would have turned out a lot different.

Thanks for letting me ramble!
Lori

[stephwhiz]

I love your post Joylynn and it is not at all too long. I have thought about what my children would find in my personal possessions too when I pass and have wondered what they would think about me. I am happy to say I don't have anything I would be ashamed of them finding and think that they would be very happy to find all of the pictures, mementos and other special things they have made me that I have kept.

My babies are still youn (4 and 8) but my 8 year old sometimes goes and shuts his bedroom door. Usually it is because he wants his pesty little sister to leave him alone but since his favorite kitty cat disappeared 3 weeks ago, I have noticed he closes his door more often. I go and knock on it and usually he is in there playing his XBox or watching TV but sometimes he is lying on his bed and looks sad. I sit there with him and ask him what is wrong and it is usually because he misses he kitty cat. So we talk about that and the fact that he may come back (we hadn't had him neutered yet and I think he is off tomcatting!!) or the fact that he may not. He usually gets cheered up and then goes off and has fun. I worry about him though and after my nephew attempted suicide last summer, I am much more cautious about things and watch my children closely, especially Trent, for mood changes. Trent is 8 but thinks and acts like he is much older. He gets very emotionally about things and takes things very personally.

I think everyone needs a little privacy sometimes but I think we as parents need to watch our children very closely and make sure we know why those doors are closed. We need to find out if there is a real problem going on or if it is just to get away from a pesty sibling.

Thanks guys! This is a great thread!

Stephanie