Madre
04-29-2007, 08:39 AM
There was a day for me when my whole life caved in -- when the edifice that I had painstakingly erected over many years came tumbling down like a house of cards. I had been born into a Christian home, carefully nurtured in Christian schools, surrounded by a Christian environment, and enriched by many Christian teachers and friends. I had early made a confession of Christ, and had grown year by year in Christian knowledge and teaching. I had also committed my life to Christ, received excellent Christian training in a good Bible college, and been commissioned as a missionary to Thailand under a reputable Christian mission board. Life had seemed wonderful. In so far as I was able, I had gone all the way with Christ, and I was looking forward to the challenges and rewards of a lifetime of missionary service.
And yet . . . after three years as a missionary in Thailand, I found myself at the end of the road. I had what they call a nervous breakdown, and became totally unable to go on. Instead, I had to return to the United States with my tail between my legs, so to speak. All my hopes and aspirations were shattered, and all the skills that I had acquired through the years of preparation became unusable. For I soon found myself unable to preach,unable to teach, unable to read my Bible, unable to pray, unable to face the least spiritual challenge or duty without the threat of personal disintegration. I was of no use to God, to my wife, to myself, to anyone. I had been reduced to absolute zero, and somehow I had to find a way to put my life back together and learn to live all over again.
This is not the place to tell about the long, slow climb back to life, hope, and wholeness; but I do want to tell you about one thing that has been crucial in this process --- a new understanding and appreciation of the grace of God.
Not that I was entirely ignorant of the grace of God before. I had always believed it and prized it as a central part of my faith. I had carefully studied Paul's teachings of the subject, especially as developed in the book of Romans and in Galatians; and I had frequently preached and taught these same truths. But at the same time, on a deeper level, I had lived most of my life with a legalistic, ungracious God. Only as I began to see how profoundly I had been living under the shadow of such a God, and to see the meaning of His grace on the heart-habit level, was I able to begin to work my way through to a life of greater freedom and fulfillment.
Joseph R. Cooke
from Celebration of Grace: Living in Freedom
And yet . . . after three years as a missionary in Thailand, I found myself at the end of the road. I had what they call a nervous breakdown, and became totally unable to go on. Instead, I had to return to the United States with my tail between my legs, so to speak. All my hopes and aspirations were shattered, and all the skills that I had acquired through the years of preparation became unusable. For I soon found myself unable to preach,unable to teach, unable to read my Bible, unable to pray, unable to face the least spiritual challenge or duty without the threat of personal disintegration. I was of no use to God, to my wife, to myself, to anyone. I had been reduced to absolute zero, and somehow I had to find a way to put my life back together and learn to live all over again.
This is not the place to tell about the long, slow climb back to life, hope, and wholeness; but I do want to tell you about one thing that has been crucial in this process --- a new understanding and appreciation of the grace of God.
Not that I was entirely ignorant of the grace of God before. I had always believed it and prized it as a central part of my faith. I had carefully studied Paul's teachings of the subject, especially as developed in the book of Romans and in Galatians; and I had frequently preached and taught these same truths. But at the same time, on a deeper level, I had lived most of my life with a legalistic, ungracious God. Only as I began to see how profoundly I had been living under the shadow of such a God, and to see the meaning of His grace on the heart-habit level, was I able to begin to work my way through to a life of greater freedom and fulfillment.
Joseph R. Cooke
from Celebration of Grace: Living in Freedom