This is so not what I want to be happening in my life....

[harmony5]

I just can't believe what is happening right now with my dd. She will be 13 in June.

Courtney has always been the model child. She was a great baby and an even better toddler. She's always made straight As, always loved Jesus and going to church and always been so good. If you would have asked me 2 months ago, I would have said that I trust Courtney to the ends of the Earth. I would have told you she would never lie to me.

I've gone wrong somewhere. I'm crushed right now.

I found out my dd has been lying to me about so many things. There is one girl (Taryn) that she knows she's not allowed to hang out with because of the girl's behavior. The girl called our house the other week and I asked dd who was on the phone. As soon as she took the phone away from her ear and held it down to her side and whispered "Nicole", I knew she was lying. She's allowed to hang around Nicole so why was she being so sneaky? So I asked her again and she did the same thing. Once she knew I knew she was lying, she told me that it was Nicole calling but that Taryn was at Nicole's house and Nicole put her on the phone. Well, I had already seen the caller ID and knew that wasn't Nicole's number so I just came right out and said "Why are you lying to me?" She finally just told Taryn she had to go. When she got off the phone she swore that was Nicole but then said Nicole was at Taryn's house instead of them being at Nicole's house. I still didn't believe her and we discussed it a little more. Finally, I told her to bring me the phone so I could call that number back and talk to Nicole myself. I heard her in the kitchen pushing buttons on the phone and she had deleted that number!!! Then, she said she didn't know why the number wasn't on the caller ID anymore. I told her it was because she deleted it and she completely denied that! So, I told her that was okay, I could dial *69 to get the number insted. Finally, she admitted that it was Taryn calling and Nicole was not in the conversation at all. She said she lied to me because she was afraid I'd get mad. Well, come on!! Yes, I have been mad before but it's not her fault (so I thought) that the girl called here. I told her if she would have told me the truth in the first place, she could have talked a minute or two and then told the girl she had to go and would talk to her later. It's not like I'm telling her to tell the girl she can't talk to her because I don't like her. By the way, on the last day of school last year, the girl drew X marks on her shirt right on her breasts and wrote "do not touch...reserved for Tommy only". Ummm, yeah, I don't want you being chummy with someone that thinks that's okay. Sorry.

Anyway, so she got "grounded" from the phone for lying to me. I couldn't believe she just kept digging herself deeper and deeper into this lie.

Well, a few weeks later, another friend was over here and they were looking at the friend's MySpace page. She was showing it to me as well. A few days after that, Courtney asked me if she could have a MySpace page. I told her I'd think about it. Several of her friends are on there and they all have Bible verses and sayings like "God is good all the time-all the time, God is good", etc. So, I let her set it up on 2 conditions. She had to keep her profile private and she had to give me the password.

All was well up until about 2 days ago when I found a message on there from a boy. Not just a boy, but her best friend's 17 year old brother. The message was talking about how he really liked her and wanted to be with her and he knew she had heard "things" about him but he had changed and wouldn't break her heart and would treat her good and blah blah gag me with a fork type crap.

So, me being the nosey mom I am found a program online that allows me to see everywhere she's been online and read all incoming and outgoing mail even if she's deleted it.

Apparently, these emails have been going on for over a week. About how she wants to like him but don't think her best friend would be too happy about it and how they'd have to keep it a secret, etc.

Then, last night, she asked me if she could go to the movies Friday night with Megan (another friend). When I told her no, she immediately started with the why can't I go stuff? I told her I just wanted to hang out this weekend because we are ALWAYS going somewhere. She literally begged me to let her go. She started bargaining with me about what she'd do if I let her go, etc. She told me she'd already told Megan that I'd probably let her go. Right away, I knew she was up to something. I kept her busy last night cleaning her room, etc so when she asked to get online, I told her it was too late.

Well, at 4:00 this morning, I checked her MySpace messages, and sure enough my instincts were correct. Rico Suave had emailed her to tell her how much he loves her and is going to treat her right and he's not lying and he can't wait to see her....FRIDAY!....AT THE MOVIES!! My heart sank. She has lied to me again!! She was planning on meeting him at the movies.

So, a few minutes ago, I went snooping around her room (which I feel I have a right to do since all this is going on) and I found a letter that she wrote him.

It was pretty much telling him that she loved him and missed him and how her mom wouldn't let her go to the movies Friday night but she'd let him know if I changed my mind. Then, she started talking about how she would let him kiss her if he still really wanted to. She said she wanted to hold his hand and have his arm around her. She mentioned kissing him several times in the letter.

I am just heartbroken. I sat down for a good 30 minutes and just cried. I don't know where I've gone wrong. Maybe it's because I was such a brat when I was a teenager. Maybe I'm getting it back right now. I've told my kids a million times about how crappy my teenage years were all because I thought I was soooo smart and knew so much more than anyone else. I've talked to them about not having sex and not drinking and doing drugs etc. We've always been open with our children about all these things. I talked to them about being a teenage mom and having to grow up so fast. Have I been wasting my breath? This is how I started out. Lying to my mom, flirting with boys, "letting" them kiss me, etc.

I'm almost tempted to let her go to the movies and bust up in there like a mad crazy woman when I find her little butt with this boy, punch him in the nose and drag her lying butt all the way to the car and lock her in her room and slip her some WonderBread up under the door three times a day...if she's lucky.

Okay, I wouldn't really go that far. But I am thinking about letting her go to the movies and "catching" her in this lie. Like showing up there and finding them at the movie together or something. She has no idea I know anything about this. I'm keeping quiet. I'm letting her think things are hunky dory for now.

I just don't know what to do. My baby is not supposed to be acting like this.

Does anyone have any advice?

Thanks so much if you made it this far and please pray I don't go postal crazy on this boy. I mean, we live in a small town, but I know there's more than 12 year olds on the market. :x

Lori

[SupermansLady]

Okay...couple of questions here:

(1) Is this boy a Christian or are his parents?

(2) What kind of reputation does he have (if you know) in the dating/sex area?

I may pm you a bit later about some things we've been going through with our 13 year old (my stepdaughter) and also some things I went through as a teenager, but wanted to see if you knew either one of those things first.

Praying for you. And remember, God says that if we train up a child in his ways, that child will come back to them. It doesn't say when, but it does say they will.

[danter]

Lori, I have an 18 yr old dd, a 16 yr old ds and 13 yr old ds. When the 18 yr old started doing things similar to your dd, we tried our hardest to stay positive, focused on the good friends and good activities. She was allowed to do more with friends we trusted. We paid for more activities done with friends we trusted. We told her we would check on her when she went places, and we did. We kept tabs on the online stuff (our DUTY as her christian parents).

We didn't allow movies or music that had questionable or unChristlike actions, discussion or terminology. This was VERY difficult to keep up on but well worth the effort! We purchased christian music for her that she liked and we felt was worthwhile. If she purchased objectionable music,magazines,books or movies, we threw it out with a long discussion about why and questioned why she would want to have it in the first place.

Our children have priviledges taken away for lying which lasts longer than nearly any other bad behavior. Dishonesty by our children is not tolerated and is monitored as much as we are possibly able to! We are not shy about sharing our concerns with our dd's friends parents. Often they share the same concerns and it makes monitoring much easier.

We have had many discussions and roleplays about how to get out of sticky situations, stressing the use of humor whenever possible. We advised her to use us as the reason she couldn't do things she didn't want to do when nothing else seemed to be working.

We made sure time spent at our house with her friends was rewarded with good food, good movies, space to listen to music and talk, humor and verbal respect. Our dd is doing great academically, and socially. She attends church regularly and offers up questions or comments about christian struggles she has as well as daily life events and problems. Don't give up on your dd. Pray continually for yourself as well as her (patience, wisdom, courage,humor.)

If you continue to express your expectations that she honor what you need to do as christian parents and continue to gently demand and generously reward when she meets your expectations, it is likely she will respond in kind. May our experiences be helpful to you with your dd!

[Madre]

Lori, I don't think there is a mom here that has not been disappointed, will not be disappointed or was disappointing at one time or another. Always remember that your daughter is a person with temptations, sins, needs and problems (even if she exhibits "model" behavior).

You don't mention how your husband is thinking about this. For sure, get his input and direction. You need lots of wisdom with your words, to not get angry, to direct her in a Biblical way, etc. You may have to cut her freedom way back until she proves to be trustworthy. (And, really, what we trust is not the person, but Christ in the person.)

This article is very encouraging:

http://www.abidinglife.com/site/library/family/children-in-crisis.shtml

P.S. A 17 year old boy is almost an adult and has no business trying to strike up a friendship with a 12/13 year old girl.

[JRBL]

P.S. A 17 year old boy is almost an adult and has no business trying to strike up a friendship with a 12/13 year old girl.

I totally agree here... I was always interested in older boys... and I was a single mother before my hubby came along too... it's a very hard life... ugh... if only we could make our girls understand, right? I'm NOT looking forward to this time, when my girls will be teens.

I was JUST her age when I started getting interested and was pregnant by 15. I wish NOW that my mom had been a LOT harder on me, she wishes it too; that whole sneaking up on them and being the big mad mom sounds REALLY good to me, but I'm not reasonable when it comes to things like this... let me know how it goes. I'm cheerleading you on!!!

You know, a piece of advice from my mom is; GO TO HIS PARENTS! If they found out he was meddling with a 12 year old girl, how would they feel?? I would copy down the myspace stuff and that letter she had, and go to them, tell them you are trying to handle this maturely but that they need to know that their son is "messing around" or even THINKING of messing around with a child.

I know my mom wishes she would have threatened that boy I was seeing back then, and that she had gone to his parents and told them what was going on and work something out with them... so, there's a little insight from people who are on the "finished" side of all this. PRaying for you hun.

ETA: By the bye; to copy down and print an actual webpage, just hit prtsc (print screen) on your keyboard, open PAINT or some other paint program, and hit ctrl+V, then you can SAVE it, print it, whatever you want to do. That way you can at least keep a record of all this.

[myjoyoverflows]

I'm going to tell you right now, barging in on her..."catching" her doing something wrong in front of others, is only going to make matters worse. The embarrassment is unreal, and she's likely to just try harder to keep things from you.

She's at a tough age; starting to figure herself out and to find her worth....and sadly, most girls that age, find their worth in how attractive others see them.

You have every right to go through her things, especially where you know that she's been lying to you. But I can assure you, 9 times out of 10...blowing up at them in front of their "friends" will only make things worse.

She's growing independant and wants to be free of rules...having this older guy that likes her makes her feel good about herself...is there something going on in your lives that's making her feel like less of a person?

I don't have kids of that age (obviously), but coming from the other side of things (being younger myself) I would talk with her about it...compromise. Explain to her that you know what's going on and figure out a way that you can both make it work into something good. If she wants to have guy friends...make it so that they can do things in groups...not dating and not with someone of that age...but she needs to hang around members of the opposite gender in order to learn how to handle herself...

Those are my thoughts, probably not very helpful, but I've got a little distracting girl on my hands...I'm thinking of you...hope that everything gets worked out!!

[imported_rachel]

There's a new book "Here for You" by Susie Shellenberger and Kathy Gowler, with ideas that could help you 2 strengthen your bond through the next 5 years, and keep her from turning to teenage vices.. if she's open to communicating and making a real effort. It's meant to be read and implemented together.

[harmony5]

Thank you all so much for your words of encouragement and wisdom! I know I can always count on you guys.

Let me answer a few questions:

SupermansLady:

(1) Is this boy a Christian or are his parents? He is one of the kids that has quotes about how good God is on his MySpace page. But, actions speak louder than words to me. I know he nor his parents go to church. His sister, Courtney's best friend, does go to church with Courtney quiet a bit.

(2) What kind of reputation does he have (if you know) in the dating/sex area? I don't know. I don't know him good enough. I've only met him a time or two. In one of his messages to her, he said "I know what you've heard about me, but I've changed." That leads me to believe that he's got some questionable behavior. And to be completely honest, I don't care what he's like. He's too old to be hanging with my 12 year old. Seventeen year olds and 12 year olds have completely different mindsets. She may think it would be cool to hug him or kiss him or hold his hand. He may thinking a whole lot more should go on.


Madre:
You don't mention how your husband is thinking about this.

DH is totally taken aback as well. He is nowhere as naive as I am but when the emails started surfacing, he was very suprised as well. DH is a very active part of all of our children's lives, but I do sometimes feel like the boys get more attention from him. Mainly my oldest son because he is heavy into baseball and dh helps coach his team, etc. Plus, my dh is not her biological father although we've been together since Courtney was 1. Her real dad is one who feels like I should put her on birth control because she's going to have sex whether I want to believe it or not. I've often wondered if there is some underlying issues because of this. She loves my dh and calls him daddy. They are close but she is more interested (for lack of a better word) in her real dad who is not around much. He calls her and sees her a few times a year but doesn't make it a point to get her every other weekend like he used to when she was little. He lives an hour and a half away and won't make the trip because of gas prices, work or whatever.

JRBL...We seem to have something in common. My mom wasn't very hard on me in the right way. I was allowed to date at a young age and was pregnant with Courtney at 16. My mom has many regrets but I think she did the best she knew how to do.

myjoyoverflows....honey, you are wise beyond your years. I know going all postal on her in front of her friends is going to make things worse. That is something like my mother would do when she did have the time and energy to discipline me and my siblings. I remember well being embarrassed and only wanting to act like more of a brat because of the things she did.

I don't feel guilty for going through her things or checking up on her online. I have a right to know what she's doing especially since she's given me reason to believe she's doing things she shouldn't be doing.

I'm praying for the wisdom to handle this in the right manner. Now that I have calmed down some and have had a little thinking time, I feel like talking this out is going to be the best route. DH and I have some serious decisions to make regarding her behavior. She has no idea that we know anything.

Also, I will admit to being a leinient mom. Courtney has had a lot of freedom. I don't think she can handle that much freedom. She's been allowed to do just about anything she wants within reason. She's always going to friends houses or having friends over or going to parties or dances or ballgames, etc. I think we are going to have to seriously limit her comings and goings. I think she still needs time to be a little girl.

Keep that advice coming ladies!! And the prayers too!

Lori

[JRBL]

I think *you* are also wise... jumping into something is much easier said than done. While it would satisfy our mommy anger (especially at some 17 year old punk) to do that sort of thing, deep down we know... sigh... that it isn't the best thing to do. I can't honestly say what I would have had my mom do differently, not exactly... I think she too handled things the best she knew how, especially considering that my dad had just walked out on us all for another woman... oy.

BUT, I sure will be praying for you and for your daugher... it's rough being a girl... especially if you are at all attractive, which I'm sure your daughter is... getting attention "feels good", it's hard to see if it's dangerous or not, when you're that young...

Praying for you, sug!

[myjoyoverflows]

*hugs* It's hard to know where to set a limit to the freedom that your kids get. Granted, like I've already said, I don't have a child that age...but was there not too long ago.

I think that you're totally doing the right thing with thinking it through first. Just thinking about Maddy being that age and her being in your daughter's situation makes me feel a rise of anger. But I think that any action, done without enough thought, isn't the right one.

You're doing great....it's tough being that age...one thing that always got to me, was how my own mom seemed to forget that she was my age once...which made me feel so isolated and weird, and like she didn't even try to relate. Do what you can to put yourself in her shoes...try to be sensitive to her emotions, but firm in your decision. Being consistant is huge.

I think that there's a VERY fine line between being an overbearing parent, and one that's a "yes-er". But I know, by what you've said, that you're doing well in being in her life. Be prepared for her to be really angry that you've gone through her things...that's a huge violation of privacy in her mind. So, TRY to be sensitive about it...and maybe come to an agreement about how things are handled after that.

I remember watching my mom go through my sister's things....and then her anger when mom talked with her about it. It's not pretty and it wasn't easy to live in the house for a while. Try like you already have, give her the option of telling you the truth, about everything....and if she does, be more gentle with her punishment...showing her that honesty is rewarded. If she's good about things, stops the lying....slowly give her back her the things that you've taken away. Honesty get rewards, lying get punishment...make sure that this is totally enforced...be firm, but sensitive...that's the best that you can do!

Go mom go! You can get through this!! [cheer] *hugs*

[mars]

I'd love to say that I've got advice, but as the mother of a very stubborn 5 year old I'm sure I'm going to be needing yours one day! I do want to say, though, that I feel for you, I'll definitely be praying for you... and please don't beat yourself up... we're all imperfect parents and we need to rely on God. But, our kids also struggle with their sinful nature so even if you were a "perfect mum" you'd probably be still facing this! God IS in control, continue to pray and trust! You won't get it all right all the time even if you try really hard, there isn't an "answer" but a process! I agree though with you keeping tabs on the computer stuff etc and as far as I know there are ways you can safeguard against some of that stuff, I also agree that embarrassing her in front of her friends is going to make things worse and drive her further underground. I think the talking about it openly, listening to what her heart is REALLY saying, HEARING without preaching (I'm sure deep down she knows what's right!) is going to be the go. But really, all the best, keep us posted so we can pray more specifically! You're doing great so far! Thank God we have a God to trust!
Love, Mairi

[pioneerchristianmomof3]

Hi Lori,
My oldest dd is 15. When she was 13, she was doing all the things you talked about. I too went through her stuff, recorded her computer stuff, etc. We tried compromise, rewarding good behaviour with freedom, etc. Things got worse. She started sneaking out and seeing boys even though it wasn't allowed yet. We tried every parent strategy I heard of, and frankly nothing worked. We ended up taking the hard-nosed tough love approach, and cut her off completely. No phone, computer or friends. We explained it this way; as a adult you break the law, you go to jail. And you are continually breaking your family's laws, so guess what hon...you're in jail!
I was her warden, glued to her side 24/7.For the first week I slept with her to keep her in at night. Then I slept outside her bedroom door for a week, then on the couch, then I moved back to my room. When she was showing respect and, was accting responably we gave her back the phone (she had to talk out in the living room so I could monitor) Next her friends that we approved of could come over to our house. As things progressed she was able to earn back her privilages. I spent many hours talking and explaining why I was taking this approach, and what I was hopeing to teach her and protect her from. It took a long time and a lot of commitment, but so worth it.
She is doing great now. (not perfect of course) For the last year, she has always been home by curfew. She always checks in. She asks for our approval of friends. And has committed to only dating after we meet/get to know the boy, and give approval.
My dd has expressed to me how thankful she is that I didn't give up, or shrug my shoulders and say..."there's nothing more I can do." She knows many girls whose parents didn't know what to do, so did nothing and now they are pregnant, drinking, doing drugs, have diseases, or even all of these.
You are on the right track, keep strong and win the fight for your daughter! The world is very powerful, but parents with God can conquer it!

[meg]

I have no advice, but I'm praying for you!

I don't have daughters, I've got sons, who are still quite young (6 and 8). However, when either one of them reaches 17, if I found out they were "interested" in a 12-13 year old girl, either dh or I would be sitting them down for a serious talk, and I mean serious!

The difference between a 12 and a 17 year old is so huge, I would really be wondering why a 17 yr old was even noticing a 12 year old, let alone being interested :?. Five years age gap in 8-10 years will be nothing. At the moment, 5 years is like 10 years, if that makes any sense at all :roll:

Praying for you as you navigate these rough waters!

[lvrofmusik]

They are close but she is more interested (for lack of a better word) in her real dad who is not around much. He calls her and sees her a few times a year but doesn't make it a point to get her every other weekend like he used to when she was little. He lives an hour and a half away and won't make the trip because of gas prices, work or whatever.


I would like to add something. I am 27 years old. I never knew my real dad, he decided not to have a relationship with me at about 3-4 years old. I remember being your daughter's age. I remember being very scared to tell the truth because my mom was a very angry person with a hard heart, not that you are, but you sound like you have a very short fuse, and are highly upset about this and maybe that's why she didn't feel she could tell you. I also remember looking for love in all the wrong places. I always felt so unloved because the man in my life left me and didn't want me, although I had a stepfather who was a decent man. I wanted someone to love me so bad, I would do anything to get a boy to notice me, I didn't lose my virginity until 17 (only by God's grace did i not get an STD, or become pregnant) , I was saved at 10, got away from the Lord around 12-14 and rededicated my life at 15, and then experienced sexual harrasment in the workplace, and when confiding about it to my youth pastor, I was let down by his response, that I won't share. My mom got so strict, my 12 year old brother could do more stuff than I was allowed, so I acted out, I slept with anyone who would sleep with me, and thought I was inlove with every one of them. I then met back up with my husband whom I had met when I was 10 years old, and we were married about 3-4 months later, and I spent three years in therapy to figure out all of my "issues". The point I am trying to make, is the more you nose around, the harder you try to get her to behave the way you want her too, the opposite is going to happen. What you need to do in my opinion, is put yourself in her shoes. Look at her life through her eyes, keeping in mind she doesn't have your wisdom, your relationship with God. Even though she knows God, this age is soooo hard. Take that into consideration. Also, the more you tell her not to do it, the more she will find a way to do it. Find out if this boy is a Christian, tell her the only way they can spend time together (I was 14 and my mom let me see an 18 year old as long as my parents were with me, because she was afraid I would sneak out and see him anyway, which I would have) is with you and/or your husband. Well that might scare her away in itself...lol :) didn't me, but at least you will be with them and I mean you don't let them do anything by theirselves. Eventually she will get her heartbroken (I did) because I was too young and he realized that. That was a big heartbreak for me, but I was glad my mom let me experience it for myself, it proved they were right and I once again didn't know as much as I thought. Ofcourse, hindsight is 20/20. My encouragement for you is this is what is supposed to happen, this is waht teenagers go through, But you have control and love in Christ. But Christ wouldn't belittle her, or shame her in front of her peers, that will only push her further away. Love her like Jesus would, find out about her life, spend more time with her, this is a time you have to become a friend too. I wish my mom would have done that. I will be praying that both your hearts are softened to allow the Holy Spirit to mend this relationship and bring you closer together. God Bless You!!

[kanaclark]

I kinda agree with lvrofmusik. I'm 23, and while dh and I have been together for six years, when I was with my Ex, before I got pregnant with Gabe (i was 15) I would sneak around and all that, because my parents told me NO. My parents let me start "seeing" guys when I was 13. He could come to the house, or to church. As long as they were there. He was 16.
When we broke up, I started dating my ex, who I was "engaged" to (he did buy the ring) :roll: :roll: :roll: (mind you when we met I was 14, he was 15 and when we broke up, I was 16, he was 17) anyway, my parents didn't make us be "out in the open" when we were together, and we would sneak around and have sex behind their backs. I got pregnant, he got abusive b/c I was carrying HIS baby and wasn't going to talk to another guy, never mind the fact that the guy had been a best friend of mine for years, but oh well.
He threw me against the wall and I told him it was over. I was six months pregnant with Gabe. Flash forward 19 months. I had just turned 17 and met Brian. he was 26 then. At that point, I had a 16 month old son, had graduated from high school, worked 40 + hours a week, I was grown, just not "old".
We've been together ever since.

but I agree with lvrofmusik. if she is "dying" to see him, I'd set up chaperoned dates, i think if you don't, she'll figure something out. and it would be a whole lot easier than dealing with her teenage emotions. Besides, chances are, if she spends time with him and he's not so great after all, she'll realize it quicker if she knows she can see him. The whole "no you can't see him, he's TOO OLD" is what makes her 13 year old mind think he's so dreamy. Trust me, been there.

[luvmy4sons]

I have no advice, but I am praying. Parenting is so hard and there are no easy answers. Our children will disappoint us and they do have to learn to walk their own walk with the Lord. We are there to help them and set boundaries and limits, but all the nitty gritty details of how and when etc...is the hard part.

I am sorry for your disappintment and I get it. My son just recently disappointed me with a decision he had made. I understand. I want to encourage you, though, that God sees all and knows all and has a plan for your daughter. He is still in control and will give you wisdom. It may not go as perfectly as you would like it without the errors and the pain. But I know He will use it all for good. Love and hugs!

[harmony5]

Just a quick update...

I found another email last night from him saying he got her message and he guessed this is goodbye then. He said he still felt the same way but he understands that she doesn't. So, I couldn't find where she had emailed him anything. I am assuming she wrote him a letter or emailed him from school or something. I don't know. But from what I read, I guess it's over. Which is great to me!! She still doesn't know that we know anything. She's been kinda like her old self the past couple of days. Goofing off and joking around and hanging out more with the family. She usually comes home and hangs out in her room most of the night.

I know my children are going to go through phases and I do remember being her age and being so "in love" with older boys. My mom had 5 children and was a single mother, so she didn't keep tabs on me a whole lot. She cared and I know she did the best she could but I learned from her what not to do.

My goal is to start spending more time with Courtney. A lot more time. We all spend time together as a family, but I also have a 10 year old, a 2 year old and a 2 month old, so she doesn't get much one on one time. I'm going to make it a point to do that so she doesn't feel like she has to go looking for love somewhere else. I know I felt like that when I was a teenager.

Please keep praying that she always does the right thing. I pray that for my children every day!! I know it's hard. I still, at 30 years old don't always do the right thing, but I pray they learn from my mistakes.

Oh, and I did want to clarify that I was joking when I said I'd go into the movies and drag her out of there, etc.... I would never do that! I promise I don't have the short of a fuse. :wink: I'm a pretty level headed person. Yes, I'm hurt and angry and dissappointed but that doesn't mean I'd go all postal and do something crazy. I mean, this has been going on for a week or so and I've not said a word to her. Just wanted to clarify.

Lori

[JRBL]

Oh, and I did want to clarify that I was joking when I said I'd go into the movies and drag her out of there, etc.... I would never do that! I promise I don't have the short of a fuse. :wink: I'm a pretty level headed person. Yes, I'm hurt and angry and dissappointed but that doesn't mean I'd go all postal and do something crazy. I mean, this has been going on for a week or so and I've not said a word to her. Just wanted to clarify.

Lori

Hahahaha!! You are too funny! I couldn't see you going and doing something like that... I think every mother *thinks* about doing something like that, but come on... that would be pretty horrible. :lol:

But, anyways, I'm glad to see this update! That's great that they just broke up, I'm sure she's upset about it, I would have been at that age. It's so funny, I can look back and remember how heartbroken I was at that age, or how "in love" I thought I was... funny, it all seemed SO important, and that's hard to remember when you're older ::ahem:: and wiser and looking at this from *this* side. You think, "What's the big deal?" But, to them it IS a big deal, because it's their first taste of relationship, love and committment. ::sigh::

I sure feel for you... I have four girls... so I will be going through all this in about another seven or eight years... yikes...... :shock:

[Blessedx7]

I will be praying for you also. i have seven children and the two oldest are boys. 15 and soon to be 17. I can guarantee you that they would never in zillion years get away with seeing a 12 year old. I my self would be on the phone with her parents letting them know how I will make sure on my end they are not together. I also have a 13 year old daughter so I am speaking to yu out of my heart. There is a huge gap in maturity and not to mention hormones. I would of course be talking to my sons with love and compassion about how she is still just a little girl and they could not possibly have anything in common. Not that 17 is mature, its just not 12. I also have called my sons girls who are friends parents and have lwt them know that if my sons are disrespectful in any way to please inform me.
I also agree with the other moms that embarrasing her is not the key. She will completely pull away from you. Remember" If God is with you than who could be against you" See over this mountain and ask God to guide you through it. You and your daughter will be better people for it.

God Bless You[/quote]

[kymommy]

Lori, I am praying for you! I will pray that God shows both you and your DH how to reach your daughter's heart. Pour on the love! I think it may feel awkward, but I suggest that your DH pour out the love and attention too. Even if it's just a game of ball in the yard, an ice cream date, or a water balloon fight, find someway for you daughter to connect with your dh. I think young teen girls are so vulnerable and need male attention.
Also, something we are trying to do with our girls, is not to just have them follow rules, but to guide them with scripture and to try to develop in them a heart that wants to follow Jesus. We also talk a lot about consequences of our actions. Try to help your daughter develop her interests, and set some goals for her future. There are lots of resources available (check with your pastor or your local Christian Book Store) to help encourage your daughter to keep herself pure and make good decisions.

[XeraRose]

I have to say in my opinion, spending more time with her is probably the best thing you could do. That's about the only thing that I wish my parents had done with me when I was that age. I grew up in a Christian home, my dad was a pastor. They were very strict. I never dated in high school, and rarely even brought friends home. I was never allowed to dances or parties or anything like that. I rarely saw my parents, and I ended up spending a lot of time on the internet, mostly unsupervised, because they were never home.

For me, the first year I went away to university, well.. I didn't know how to handle the freedom. I went home that year pregnant.

I'm now a single mom raising a 3 yr old daughter on my own. And I know for a fact that there are a few things I'll be doing differently in 9 or 10 years.

Spend time with your daughter. One on one, and also between just your dh and her. I'd almost say that his spending one on one time with her would be more important, because it would show her how a guy should be treating her, and that she is important to a man in her life. Also, make it easy for her to talk to both of you. Communication is key. My dad never talked to me, except to tell me what was expected of me, and what I was to be doing. It wasn't a conversation, and that's what girls at that age need most.

I also will be praying for you and your daughter. Remember though, that the training provided when she was younger will show through eventually. God's promises over your kids will prevail. He never forgets his own.

[GabrielsMommy]

I know I'm not that old, I do have teenage step sons though. recently I have been consulting with a women at my chuch who has raised and is still raising three teenage boys. she has home schooled them. she and her husband have a ministry in raising children. her children are amazingly respectful and more important god fearing. I asked for advice with my sons... she lent me this book written by paul david tripp called Age of Opportunity. It has given me so much wisdom that I need in raising teenagers. It is directed towards teenagers. The most important thing is changing the childs heart. If we only change their actions while they are under supervision, or scare them or bribe them into acting like we would like them what good has that done. as soon as they leave the house or become even older and have their license what will you do then? I understand that you felt the need to search her room at times I feel that is needed. although you can't follow her forever. It is important to not let yourself yell at her, and not allow her to explain her feelings and why she did these things. Pastor Tripp talks about how every time your child acts out in these types of ways or even less severe ways that they are opportunities for you to direct them in the right path in a loving way. That doesn't mean no disicpline... don't get me wrong there. Anyway this book is wonderful I have read so far threw it already. I just read about how when his daughter was around the same age as yours that she came home one day with a note that she had written and passed to one of her friends, the teacher saw and read the note. The principle told her that she needed to bring it home give it to her father and that she w3anted the daughters father to come in the next day to talk. Pastor Tripp wrote that the things he read in the letter completely destroyed his out look on his daughter his baby girl. he had no idea that she could ever have possible be the person that would write a note like that. but he praised the Lord that the note was brought out into the light. God brought that out so that he would be able to fix her heart before it was lead even farther astray. None of these actions she has done could be possible if they were not in her heart in the first place. Listen carefully to what she has to say about her feelings her actions make her study her heart. ask her questions that will make her examine herself closely bring her to the bible. Remember to always do this in love. If she feels as though you are attaching her or that she can't express her feelings. If you tend to go into lengh long lectures she will only close you out. She needs to know you love her, that God loves her. I would highly recommend this book. It has given me such a different out-look on teenage years, it has given me hope, and direction that I so badly needed. I really think it would bless you and your household. I'll pray for you daily along with my sons. God Bless. (Remember God is in control of all things) All things work together for good for those who love God.

[GabrielsMommy]

I was just reading that book I told you about and I thought this paragraph might help...

"The core of our struggle is not with evil outside us, but with evil within. There is a war being fought: it is the war winthin, fought on the turf of our heart. Peter says that God has given His children everything they need to escape "the corruption in the world caused by evil desires" (2 Peter 1:4)As parents we need to teach our children that we do not solve the struggle with evil by avoiding certain things, although there are times when fleeing certain situations, locations, and relationships is a principle means of avoiding the bondage of sin. Nevertheless, Paul says that such restrictions "have no value for restraining sensual indulgance" (see Col. 2:16-23). Avoiding extrenal temptations alone does not restrain sin because it does not deal with the sin already in your heart. We want to teach our children that avoidance is not the cure, though it can be used of God to limit the damage of sin in our lives.
the isolation response tends to promote a dangerous self-rightousness. Rightousness gets equated with keeping "the list." People who keep it are considered rightous and mature and people who don't are considered carnal and immature. Christ pounded away at this view of rightousness when he attached the spiritual pride of the pharisees (see Matthew 5:20; Matthew 23; Luke 18:9-14; Isa. 29:13). It is possible to keep this list rigidly while still having a heart that is far from God and totally reliant on self. It is clear that there must be a better way to teach our teenagers to respond to culture than modern, conservative-evangelical isolationism.
OK that was 2 paragraphs... anyway there is so much loaded in this book. I wish I could write it all for you. I hope this helped at all. Hugs and prayers always.

[mhall]

Oh Lori, I would have definitely been the one with "that short of a fuse!" LOL You are more patient than I.

My 17 yo DD is giving me trouble, too! Is it this area we live in? I mean, geez, do they teach our kids in the public schools here to disobey and lie to us?

So, me being the nosey mom I am found a program online that allows me to see everywhere she's been online and read all incoming and outgoing mail even if she's deleted it.

Can you help me out, and let me know how you found this site? I NEED it, desperately!

Get this, MY daughter will turn 18 in Dec 2007, and will graduate in 2008. BUT, she is telling me she hates living under my rules, so she wants to move out as soon as she turns 18! WHAT?????? Is she NUTS?????!!!!!!