Feelings over impending u/s

[Crissyanna]

Ok, so this may sound extremely weird. And I don't know if this is normal or not. Any advice, words of wisdom or whatever will be greatly appreciated.

I am scheduled for my ultrasound on Monday morning at eight thirty. While I do want to see the baby, and find out which name we are going to use, I don't want to have it (the ultrasound). If there is anything wrong with the baby, I don't want to know until it is born (Hubby disagrees and says he would rather know now, to work through the emotional stuff with it, and to get the things we may need for a special needs child, granted, we have no real risk factors or genetics for it, it does still happen). Also, this is our second baby. I lost our first one back in September. The first day I went to the ER with the bleeding, they did a regular u/s and then a transvaginal one. The woman in transport wouldn't let Hubby go with me (I told him to follow, and she actually stopped the wheelchair and said he was not allowed back there. I said he was going, and she actually stomped her foot and said it was no place for a man and sent him to wait in the waiting room). I got to see a glimpse of the baby then (it was still alive at that point), but the tech didn't tell me anything. Even when I asked questions. I asked him why my husband wasn't allowed back there with me and he just said, "hmm, I don't know." I got to see Avery (what we named the first baby) because I crained my neck to get a glimpse from that screen. And because of the angle, I didn't seen much of anything.

I am terrified that this u/s is going to bring up the memories of losing Avery again. I deal with it on nearly a daily basis as it is (his due date was April 21) and I don't want to lose it in public. I don't want the memories to come back like that again. It was a horrific experience (long story, suffice it to say I will never go to that hospital again if I can help it).

Is feeling like this normal? I want this to be a happy occasion, but I am scared I will be the cloud over it. Hubby is so excited about seeing his baby (he never saw pictures of the first one. In fact, I never even got a picture of that u/s even though he was still alive) that I don't want to feel bad myself, compare it to last time, and be in a funk over it (like we will get pictures of this one and it makes me sad I have none of Avery when I will with Snookie, sort of thing). I just need to know if it is normal to feel this way. Anyone else have a similar experience and can share? Or am I just going crazy?

Thanks.

Crystal

[Beck]

Crystal, I'll be praying for you. Although I haven't been in your shoes in regards to losing a child (I'm so sorry for your loss), there have been other losses in my life and certain "normal" things will trigger bad memories. It sounds like this could be one of those triggers, but the encouraging thing is that there is new life involved. This is a brand new life. I can't imagine this being an easy thing to do, but maybe focusing on the new life will help ease the pain and apprehension of your ultrasound on Monday. I don't think you're crazy for having these fears at all, especially noting the circumstances.

Does your husband know about your fears regarding the ultrasound on Monday? What if you guys prayed together specifically for this ultrasound...for God to settle your fears and remove the "cloud". Will your husband be with you during the ultrasound? I think it might be a good idea for him to be there to encourage you and make this as joyous as possible.

There's no guarantee that this will be as joyous as it is for a lot of other women. A lot of other women haven't had to go through what you did. Whatever you decide to do, keep looking to Jesus for your strength to handle this situation. :wink:

Again, I'll be praing for you!

[Crissyanna]

Thanks Beck. Hubby is going to be there. He has gone to every appointment and plans to keep doing so. He knows about this whole mess. It is different for him though since he is a guy (and he wasn't there for the u/s of our first baby because they wouldn't let him, nor was he there when I gave birth to the baby at home after being assured that everything was "normal" and the ER dr. the second day refused to do anything to check). He holds me and cuddles me and keeps telling me he loves me. And the baby, no matter what. I'm just frustrated with myself over this. I should be happy. I am having a baby! I have the infants section at wal-mart memorized now. My mom keeps asking to see what color of clothes to buy. We have most of the stuff we need for the baby, and I have it out (just two outfits though. Hubby had to get two fleece outfits with penguins on them, even though he says they look unisex, I think they look boyish).

I know deep down that everything is ok. I was told by God when I got pregnant this time that it wasn't going to be like last time. I have clung to that (don't ask me how I know, I just do. I have known things before they have happened before, except the last baby.)

I think a good portion of this is that I have no pictures or real mementos of Avery. I bought him a teddy bear at Christmas (I was going to get him one then anyway) and while that has helped a little, it still wasn't his. This one is getting pictures and things. Part of me screams that it isn't fair. I know life isn't fair.

Ok, enough rambling. I should find something productive to do. Like the huge pile of dishes sitting in my sink.

At least I know I haven't jumped off the deep end yet.

Crystal

[breezykc]

Okay, let me begin by stating that all the ER docs and techs I ran into during my 2nd trimester miscarriage this past fall...were AWFUL! They would do the ultras and not answer my q's either or tell me anything and then just leave me alone until the next jerk came in....I understand how fearful and frustrating and down right terrifiying your experience was and I'm sorry you went through that too!
However, my ultra with my son was incredibly awesome! When you go into the doc and not the ER, your tech is nice and talks you through things and points things out and answers questions! It's not scary! I was apprehensive too! The first thing I asked is "does everything look allright! " almost immediatly and they did a few second overview and said yes! Start like that! They'll work with you! They know your fears if you voice them! Bedside is much better when in in the ER!
I agree though that even if it would be devestating to find out a problem, it is best to know before...you need to prepare emotionally and have help lined up and investigate docs and resources and have special things for the baby ready so you're no cold-cocked and exhausted making rash choices, but rather, informed ones which will benefit your family and child most! My degree is in DD and MH and I specialize in kids.....it's important to know anything you can as early as possible!

[Crissyanna]

Thanks Breezykc.

I know it is supposed to be different at the doc's. I just keep having flashbacks to losing Avery. Begining to wonder if it is PTSD or something. As if I need that on top of the rest of my life too. I have enough to deal with.

I think I just need to let myself grieve Avery some more. I didn't really do that when we lost him (bad, I know, but, that is how I was raised to live, to not feel anything. And yes, I have been getting help since then. And Hubby has been wonderful).

I shouldn't be comparing Avery to Snookie. It isn't fair to either.

I just wish I had pictures of Avery. That is what is setting me off the most, I think.

I'll let you all know tomorrow aftenoon how it is going.

Thanks all.

Crystal

[breezykc]

I am preggo again too for the first time since my miscarriage this fall, only about 5.5 weeks so far....and you do have flashback! I anyway, have to fight being terrified about the whole thing everyday! I pray momentarily! You can't help yourself though, your mind waunders back to the past....it's hard to put out of your heart and mind! It's typical grief! I have a long history working is hospice and people always claim the stages of grief...yes, those are true...but honestly, a hill and valley model is a better explanation....I mean, you start with anger and so forth, but typicall you don't just get over a stage, you regress back to it and then go forward and then back again...for years! It's so normal! It's healthy and don't be afraid to feel all of these things over and over! You're not alone!
Miscarriage is one of the hardest things to grieve I've come to believe....many people think that since you never held that little baby that you already loved beyond death or life, that it isn't as big of a deal...they're wrong! We know! That was our child already, we talked to them, patted them, prayed for them, and planned for them......and then part of you fights grieving too because you think you should move on for everyone else and maybe you are just too sensitive.....so instead of grieving properly, we are forced to march ahead and "get past it" as the medical professionals say instead of heal from it like a typical person coping with a loss is instructed to do......
Here is an idea.....we don't have pictures, but something I've instructed past clients without any pics to do for grief is this....get a shoe box...and create a word picture of your loved one.......list all of the things that you prayed for this child, that you wondered about what they'd look or act like, what a good verse would be for this precious little one, have each family member write down what they were looking forward to doing with this new guy.......write him a letter and tell him how much you loved him already......then pray over the box and bury it....if possible, place a really pretty walking stone over the spot in your yard...maybe one that's homemade with the child's name and date on it that you as a family make.......it's not a picture, but it's a tangible way to get your mind around things and when you're having a rough day....go sit on it and pray or cry or just tell it that you love it.......it's okay to do all of the above! You will be in my prayers tomorrow.....please post how your apt. goes!

[Crissyanna]

We got to bury our baby. Since it wasn't recognized as a person by law, they let me keep it (I had it at home, took him to my midwife's appt. the next day and I was able to keep him. We got him a nice little box and some soft fabric and went out and buried him next to our favorite creek under a little tree.). I cling to his teddy bear when things get rough. I did during a nap this afternoon.

Miscarriage is the worst thing to go through, I think. I was actually told by a friend in church the Sunday after we lost Avery that it was better to have lost him now than after we got to know and love him. Believe me, I wanted to tell him a thing or two and hit him.

I had to "get over it" quickly. I was forced to return to work the Wed after we lost him (we lost him on a Sunday night) or risk being fired. I also worked in an infant/toddler room in a daycare. That didn't bother me too much, all our kids were older in that room.

I know tomorrow will be ok. I have to trust that it will be. Otherwise, I will find myself committed! I have too many things to do this week for time in the psych ward!

Hubby has decided that he is going to scan a copy of the pictures tomorrow (I told him only if the baby isn't flashing itself to the world) and make a pin to wear on his vest at work. He is so excited.

Well, I should get going.

Thanks all. At least I know I'm not certifiable, yet :shock:

Crystal

[breezykc]

Good going! You're doing good! Just put all of that fear into a positive for this new blessing! Everytime you want to hold Avery, say a prayer for you new little one and hug yourself! It's a journey, enjoy every part of it and take it day by day!
Good luck!

Crystal

What you are going through is normal, as awful as it is!
I had my scan just Saturday and the night before I was emotional about whether they would find something wrong, like downs or anything else. When they turned the machine on at the surgery I almost didn't want to look at her until I knew she was fine, her heart was beating etc.

I feel you were treated extremely poorly by that hospital and they had no right to withold pictures of avery from you or not to allow you to see anything or your husband to be in the room. That is appauling!
That is definately something that would make you grieve and not only th loss of the baby. The pregnancy is going to bring everything back to you for sure. Unfortunately some women in positions of power over other women in hospital situations can be VERY nasty, not sure what it is, but i am sure it is somewhat spiritual.

When the doctor mentioned to me there was some concern about my placenta on Saturday I was really depressed all day and Josh didn't even understand what the doctor had said until I explained it to him - because I had such a hard time carrying the twins, there was instant negative feelings and dread about this pregnancy.

So it being an emotional time, plus you having lived through a tragety already seems to be a big issue for you. It is good that you are getting help and really just lean on the Lord because at the end of the day that is all you can do.

[Crissyanna]

Everything was fine. Thanks all. I had some trouble sleeping last night, but Hubby and I talked for awhile and that helped.

It was way different than in the ER. The tech this time was a woman and she was real nice. She had to go through all the measurements and stuff (heartbeat at 154, weight of 7 oz) and then had a real hard time getting the baby to flash the camera. The kid did moon us several times though :oops: . I don't think she enjoyed the disruption of her routine. She isn't normally active until the mid-afternoon and on to the evening hours. We are getting a night owl I guess.

It was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen.

Now, if you couldn't guess what we are having by the above reference to gender, then I guess you'll have to find my announcement thread!

Crystal

[JeanineAnne]

Crystal.....glad to hear that you enjoyed the ultrasound.

Getting through that was a big step. Congrats on the little girl :)

[breezykc]

How wonderful! Congrats! Now rest easy in the Lord!

I cannot believe that they wouldn't let your hubby go with you. Wow. I would have made such a fuss until they gave in. I'm sorry they were so insensitive.

Congratulations on your healthy baby girl to be! :D