Should I stop Potty Training?

[RachelinLA]

I guess I didn't think it would be this hard with my son. My daughter was done in 3 days - end of story. We've been PT Gavin now since I think September of 2006. Somewhere around there.
He goes through phases of doing really well and then weeks of wetting his pants 3-4 times a day! I'm pulling my hair out!
I get frustrated because I can't put pullups on him - if he wears pullups then he just pees his pants 95% of the time. At least in underwear it's about 50% of the time :(.
I KNOW that he CAN stay dry - it's making him want it that is hard. We have been rewarding him with an M&M when he goes potty and is dry - that lasted about a week then he started peeing his pants again - my guess is that he got tired of the M&M's.
I just am not sure if I should give up and put diapers back on him or not. I'm not a quitter and the thought makes me shudder. I keep thinking that he's not far away from being trained and reverting would be harmful for him and me. But I'm tired of these potty days when he pees in his pants all day.
I went through the yelling phase - and it doesn't work. Spanking him for being wet doesn't work. In short, punishment of any kind doesn't work. Yet that is what I jump to because I'm hard wired that way. I try so hard to remain cheerful while I'm taking off his wet pants - yet I feel like I need to show SOME disapprovement so he'll stop doing it. And on the other hand I don't want to show any feelings because I don't want to manipulate him by my emotions (what a dangerous way to raise a kid!)
Ugh. I'm frustrated. He turned 2 in December by the way. I know he's young - but I also KNOW he can stay dry and make it to the potty - he's done it for weeks at a time before.

[breezykc2]

Average age for a boy to be PT...4 and 1/2 years!! 2 is VERY young for a little guy...I wouldn't even attempt it....this young and you this frustrated could just cause more problems with it in the future! It's a sensitive issue and they have to be emotionally ready as well as physically....in my opinion, that won't be until at least the end of his second year and almost 3 years...maybe longer.....
Diapers may not be fun, but for his well-being and your frazzled mommy nerves, I would not push the little guy....potty training has to be in each CHILD'S timing.
Good luck!

[imported_rachel]

I read, just a couple weeks ago, that the harder you try- the longer it will take. :shock:

Not sure how that works, but if they say so... frustration can make me spin my wheels. I guess it could spin toliet seats as well.

[~Tara~]

I must agree...the harder you try, the longer it takes.
For the easiest potty training it really needs to be child led. Parent encouraged. But child led.

About the 'being happy while removing wet clothes' I wouldn't show any happiness there. No happy. No cheer. No joy. Just matter of factly undress him. No discussion. Even better..have him do it. Don't make the changing process 'pleasant'. Have him change. Help him do it. If you have to do it all yourself, he's not ready. He should be able to at the very minimum HELP pull pants off and on. Mostly on his own, in my opinion.

But I would certainly not talk all nicey nice while cleaning up his mess. It doesn't have to be a scowl on your face. I'm just saying, matter of factly, strip off the wet stuff, wipe him with a COLD rag and throw some dry clothes at him.

That will either encourage more independence/responsibility or it will show that he's not ready and mom needs to back off a bit. Just 'put it away' for a while and try again in a few months, if he shows signs.

Most of mine have been 'trained' around the 2 yr mark. #3 was my 'longest' in that he was just getting to that stage, showing signs and all..really JUST starting, when we moved. Were actually without a home for a few months, living at a campground, in folks' basements, a motel...and I was grossly sick witha pregnancy. I didn't have it in me to take him to the bathroom. So I had him stay in diapers (went to disposables at the time as well because of the gross factor and the work for me at the time). That set us back. By the time we were in our house and my sickies had let up enough for me to halfway function like a human again...he was cozy in his dipes again. It didn't take long for him to get ready again, but he wasn't AS ready as before and the whole process took longer. Whereas I'm certain if we had been able to stick with it those 6 months prior...he would have been done in 2 months. But instead, he kept plugging along, but it was just slower. He had accidents (sometimes one a week, other times, twice a week and still other times, once a month) up until 3.5 - 4 yr.

Anywho....make him responsible for his mess. If he can't handle that, he's not ready.

[mumof2boyz]

Well, I don't want to discourage you, but I started training ds at about 2 1/2... his idea, not mine, but that did NOT make it go faster! 7 months later, when we were going on a trip, flying, and I didn't want to deal with the mess & discouragement, I got to the place where I said, forget it, I'm not messing with this & you're wearing Pullups! I did try to take him to the bathroom, but I didn't stress over it. When we got home, he was trained!! That was 6 months ago now, and he's had about no accidents, only when he's playing really hard & forgets or whatever. But I think, too, the key thing is, don't push too hard. You can try and get him to go when possible, but not make a huge deal out of it; you'll be more relaxed and, I believe, so will he.

Another thing, BOYS TRAIN HARDER THAN GIRLS! That is a fact, and it's a good thing to accept that if you have friends with girls who trained at a year or whatever. Just my advice! Definitely been there, done that!!! Good luck!

P.S. He's still not trained at night, though; that's another whole story in itself!!

[luvmy4sons]

3 years 3 months! :) That is the magic number! If he is younger than that, I am all for the start when they seem interested, stop when you get frustrated method. It is a series of starts and stops for MOST! Three days is highly unusual for boys or girls. :shock: Just tell yourself he won't be walking down the aisle in tux to be married with a diaper on. It will happen. Don't stress. Let it go! He is still young! :D

[Jens2Boys]

I am probably on the other side of the fence. Perhaps it's from my experiences in teaching preschool the last 8 years. Not sure, but this is my take. If a child knows how to and they are just being stubborn, it's time to put your foot down and not let it be a choice any more. JMO. I've trained dozens upon dozens of preschoolers and that is the only philosophy that worked all the time for me. It's about control usually, and when given that control to the child you need to gain the control back.

My opinion...tell him when he will be put in underwear...pick a day with him, throw out the diapers or pull ups (same thing really) except for when sleeping, and never look back. If he's already in underwear, tell him starting tomorrow you will be starting a potty party (makes it sound fun)! Take him and make him try every hour, if he doesn't go (meaning nothing comes out), then take him in another 30 minutes. Do that for a minimum of 5-6 days and assess it then. Yes, accidents will occur, but that is reality as icky as they are to clean. Even if he's still having one accident per day at the end of 5-6 days, it's working and he's successful. It's not easy, but it's not suppose to be. And it is time consuming, but everything about being a parent is. When he has accidents, don't tell him it's ok, tell him it's not ok, because by telling him it's ok you are giving mixed signals. Make him change himself and clean up his own messes. If he truly is not successful, lay off for a month, then do it all again. There is nothing wrong with going back to diapers if he truly can NOT do it. But, from what it sounds like he was staying dry and now he's not??? If that is correct then have you tried taking priveledges away from him? Sometimes children will regress and get lazy after awhile. My son did that and I needed to get tough on him.

If you really want to get it done, it will be done, you just have to be more stubborn than him, for lack of a better term. Speaking as an early childhood professional, it should not take months upon months to fully train a child, IMO. The average age these days for training isn't because children are less ready, it's because parents are less ready. I hope I don't offend anyone by that statement and sorry if I did, it's just based on research and education. By age 3 most kids (unless a medical issue occurs) have the control or have the ability to learn the control. It's just up to us to put our foot down when we know they CAN. Choice is one thing, control is totally another. You can still give him choices but still take back the control (which underwear would you like to wear today, which potty would you like to sit on, etc.).

Sorry to ramble, I know it's long. Whenever a student's parent comes to me for training advice, this is what I tell them and 99.9% of the time, it works. Good luck and I hope the battle will end for you soon. I hope I didn't offend anyone, but I did want to post a differing opinion because I think people getting perspectives from both sides is always good in any situation. :D In all, use your motherly instincts, you know your child best. :) If he truly isn't ready, go back to diapers for a month, let it go, then try the process again but make sure you are firm about it.

[RachelinLA]

Thanks Jen, I know that it's a control issue but I've tried everything to get control and it's like the one thing he can taunt me with :twisted:! I personally get more OUT of control by trying to gain control :(.
I am going out of town for a week and I bought pullups just to make it easier on my DH and his sister. If he were more apt to NOT have accidents then I wouldn't have got pullups (yes, same thing as diapers, I agree) but because he's being such a tryant lately I got them for the babysitters while I'm gone!
I think this week will be good for him and for me. My SIL has a fresh new set of eyes and is less prone to get as frustrated as I am with him. So hopefully he'll be less of a tyrant to her. Then after a week we'll both be refreshed.
I'll assess it when I get back. I'm either going all the way or I'm sticking diapers back on him and not struggling with it.

[Jens2Boys]

Good luck to you. I know it can be so frustrating. It's the one thing kids can control themselves and I swear they use it as a weapon against us. ;) The time away and not dealing with it sounds like it will be a positive thing. Maybe it's a break you both need. Hugs to you! :) The bright side is, he is still young, so don't beat yourself up over it. You have plenty of time to get it done. Maybe he just needs more time without the pressure and he'll come around. And, if you are really frustrated I'm sure he can sense that and it doesn't help the situation. (((((HUG)))))

[jen1981]

I would say he is still a little young. Bothds and dd were trained shortly before they were 3 and when they are ready it is not a long process. Ds had maybe 2 accidents and was trained day and night wothon a week. Dd was a little younger and had more accidents, but she still did very well. If you push them when they are not ready they will stress out about it and start to use it as a control issue. What we did with ds was to buy him a set of tools. Real grown-up tools because that was what he loved. Everytime he went potty he got a toll. If he had an accident he lost a tool. He was physically ready and that gave him the incentive to remember to go. Your ds is still pretty young and my kids couldn't dress themselves completely independently let alone clean themselves up. Getting upset doesn't help, especially when it is a genuine accident. It just makes them nervous and less likely to want to go or be trained. Just take it alow and don't worry if he isn't ready yet. If you wait it will be a lot easier.

[Jens2Boys]

What we did with ds was to buy him a set of tools. Real grown-up tools because that was what he loved. Everytime he went potty he got a toll. If he had an accident he lost a tool. He was physically ready and that gave him the incentive to remember to go.Awww, that is a really cute idea! :)

[3js]

My daughter is 2 1/2, she isn't trained yet either. We have tried for quite some time now but decided that she just wasn't ready. I think it will be easier to try in the summer, when we are outside more. Maybe just for my sake. She seems quite happy to be in a diaper and doesn't fuss about underware. We struggle with her in so many other areas (bedtime, rules, whining ect) that this was just one I was willing to let go for now.

[Timmys mom]

My son is three and a half and I am having the same issues with him. He knows how and was going all most all the time for a while, but now doesn't feel like it anymore. I might try something like the tool set idea. I tried candy, stickers, times outs spankings, nothing is working! I ended up going pull ups just to keep my sanity.