Is this normal? My son (4) and daughter (2) physically fight daily. someone is pulling hair, or punching or kicking it feels like all day. My son is especially "violent" where if he is trouble he will hit me or his dad. he also is unkind with his words where he will tell us he hates us or will call his sister stupid. His sister is starting to follow his example. Is this normal boy/kid stuff? I feel like we are pretty consistent we explain how God views it. I feel like I am always yelling, and I feel like all these behaviors stem from my anger issue.

But I am wondering is these are just normal kid issues or are we doing something wrong.

Mine have all gone through stages where they struggle to control their emotions appropriately and have lashed out by hitting, scratching, pulling hair, ect. I would say it's pretty normal to some extent. And I would definetely not pin it down to be a boy thing.. my girls have worse tempers then my boy! He is actually very good at controling himself and has only had to be repremended for hitting his sisters on a few very rare occassions (usually in self defense). My girls at around age 2-4 have all been physical when they get angry.. not with I or dh but with each other. Lots of hair pulling, lol. We discipline them for it with time outs and they have to apoligize. They are NOT allowed to say "I hate you". That type of behaviour will get them a spanking.

I yell far too much. Then I hear the 8 year old yell at her siblings and it grates me! But she's just copying what she hears! Ugh! I have talked to her about it though.. apoligized for *my* behaviour and explained that it's not ok for her to yell like that. I'm not perfect. I'm trying though. My kids probably won't be perfect either but having faults is just one thing that makes us "normal" anyway, isn't it?:-)

(((hugs))) to you Becky. Nobody is perfect. I think that most all moms have struggled with yelling at times.

Have you pinpointed what specific things tend to trigger yelling/anger? For me personally, I HATE it when the kids are repeatedly opening and raiding the fridge. So I finally broke down and decided to invest in a really quality fridge lock (the type that they use to keep adults out of fridges!).

Perhaps looking ahead and proactively planning for certain situations will help keep your stress level down. It must be challenging juggling a 4, 2, and 1 year old. But maybe if you can figure out which areas are causing the most frustration, you can work to take out some of the annoyances. At that age, I think that it's best to try to structure kids' environment as much as you can, to help them to stay away from things/activities that are annoying or dangerous. That helps keep mom's stress level down, as well as the kids.

Also, if the kids are getting so stir crazy to where they are always fighting, maybe they are bored. Maybe a change of scenery or activity would help.

HTH.

First of all HUGS Becky![hug] My boys have both gone through this stage mostly with hitting. Although baby DS has bitten eldest because he sees it hurts him more than using his hands. They still occasionally hit each other but not often. When eldest was about 4 or 5 he went through a stage where he hit me. I'm can't remember if he ever hit my DH. Baby DS has hit me but not often. We have always put them in timeout in their rooms when this behavior happens. I didn't spank them because I just wasn't sure if it was right since they could consider I was hitting them back? Just my opinion.

I also yell. I hate it. I have so much guilt about it. My eldest's ADHD manifests in anger and impulsiveness. I know that my anger definitely doesn't help him. I've really been trying to work on it. Throughout my internet fast I realized so many things about myself. I think I yell out of frustration of "they're fighting again" instead of just expecting that they're kids, they're going to fight and dealing with it. Because let's face it when you've disciplined them for the 100th time it gets old.[whatwacko]

Eldest and I have memorized a verse to that I bring up to him when we have issues. James 1:19b-Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry. HTH!!!:smile:

I think all kids fight sometimes. We try to defuse the situation in advance and talk it out. Our stance is that it is important to walk them through their emotions so they understand how to handle them better.... we also emphasize that Jesus wants us to love each other, and it's not loving to hit someone....

If the dispute is over an item we walk them through the process that it's really NOT as important an item as they think it is, how the person is more important, and if it's something like a toy we walk them through sharing and taking turns and how it's more fun to share things with someone we love than to be selfish and cry in a corner. They get it. They see themselves that they have more fun sharing toys than playing by themselves.

If someone is being mean we try to talk about how Jesus wants us to love our families and how (well since we only have 2 kids) that they are the only brother/sister they might ever have and Jesus wants them to take care of each other and be kind, and that being angry doesn't make anyone feel good and nobody has fun being angry or teasing/fighting each other. Only bullies do that and bullies don't have fun or feel good.

thank you all for your responses. I am glad to know that this most likely a phase. Josh really is a sweet boy he just has his moments. after reading what you all said I feel like we are doing things right and that this is just something he (and I) need to work through. I have been thinking about his triggers, and I know a big one is when I yell. either at the kids or if dh and I are fighting. I also have figured out that I yell most when I am trying to do something by myself, like clean, or get on the computer. So I am just not going to clean anymore [dancing] haha. No, I plan on not getting on the computer when the kids are awake and I am going to try to figure out how to deal with the house. I have tried to include them in cleaning but I just get upset with them "helping". So in the end I am going to work on my own issue, since thats what I can change, and continue to be consistent with the kids.

Becky, I think I would really clamp down on your little guy saying that he hates you and hitting you. Of course, you don't want him doing that to his sisters either, but he takes it up a notch when he includes his parents in his disrespect. I think he may need a heftier consequence. [heart]

I don't know if you spank or not, but we do although it isn't our first method of discipline. However, acting or speaking like that to a parent gets an immediate, hard spanking. There is a big difference between a child lashing out in anger and a controlled parent disciplining and kids know that. :-D "Hate" is also a taboo word in our house. Arguing or fighting is "normal" but if it isn't something you want to have happen in your house you can make it stop. It's a LOT of work, but worth the while. I was a yeller also and found that the more I yelled the more out of control the kids were. Finally it dawned on me (duh) that they were seeing me behave in a way that was out of control. while I was endevoring to teach them self-control. Oops! Kids are not dumb.[whatwacko] The Lord has "disciplined" me about that a lot over the past year and I can't tell you what a difference it has made to my stress level and the behaviour of the kids. In our house, each child has a "safe" room, where they can go if they are getting frustrated and need to be alone. If they are in the room and the door is shut, no other child is allowed in. Your 2 year old might not understand that, but your 4 year old probably will. Tell him that this is his place to be alone and you won't let his sister come in there. Then you have to make sure and keep the other kids out. As far as the fighting, immediate seperation from each other and isolation until they can play nicely together can be very effective. "When you are ready to be nice, you can play together." An apology needs to be given, no matter who started it. If you hurt someone, you say sorry. Also, encourage your son to come to you as soon as he starts to have a problem with his sister. If he does then take care of it right away. Sisters can be very sneaky in their annoying, whereas the noise and physical fighting of your son is much easier to see. [haloed] The other thing that has made a big difference is paying attention closely to what is going on with the kids. Not necessarily being in the same room all the time, but keeping a close ear on what is happening. It's much easier to pick up on a problem before it gets to the hitting stage. I also found I had to physically go to where the problem was occuring and take care of it. Not just yell "stop it!" from the other room. Yep, that was what I did a lot. Anyway, we all have weak spots as mommies that we have to work on. It doesn't mean we're bad parents, it's actually really good when we know there's a problem and we want to find a solution. I would say too, that this isn't just a stage. If they are allowed to behave like this now, it will get worse as they get older. I know from experience, to my shame. It is much easier to nip it in the bud than to wait and hope it will go away on it's own. Bug hugs to you, you are a good mom, and kudos to you for recognizing a problem and wanting to take care of it![clapping]

thank you gals for chiming in. Jen you had a lot of good ideas that I am going to steal [thumbsup] We have been doing automatic spankings for hitting and unloving words. We spank them (controlled, 1 spank for every year of life) explain why they are in trouble and have them repeat the reason, and then ask forgiveness to the other party. My son has always been a harder to discipline because he doesn't respond as easily and quickly to all forms of discipline as my daughter does. I haven't tried really taking something away for more then the day, so maybe that's another avenue I should explore.

I just wanted to add something because I thought about this thread and you yesterday when I was dusting. There's a line in a Natalie Grant song that has also resonated with me in the process of disciplining my boys. It says "Give me grace to see beyond this moment here." This line has helped me stop and think about how my yelling will effect the boys. To go beyond whatever is going on in the moment and think about the long term effects. I also feel the line is a prayer to God.

Hope you have a great day![hug]

Hey Becky. You are a great mama and our kids will push us and push us...totally test their limits, every day. Your little ones are normal, in my opinion. All kids just need to be *taught* respect.
I remember Izzy testing me with being disrespectful... ie. shouting "no" at me, folding his arms at me in anger, amungst some other things. I never got away with those kinds of words or a bad attitude with my parents and I think that's why I am very sensitive to DS's tone of voice and ugly words toward me and others... I knew that I couldn't let him get away with it, so I nipped it in the bud relatively quickly. I spank for out right disobedience and that will include being completely ugly to me if I've already made him aware of his rudeness, have asked him to be nice, and warned him he will get a spanking if he continues in that manner. (I too, do the 1 spank for each year). Surprisingly, I noticed rather quickly his level of respect toward me. My husband got away with verbally being disrespectful to his parents as a kid, so he doesn't even notice sometimes when Izzy is being ugly to him. Often, I actually have to make DH aware of Izzy's attitude and remind him to reprimand him. Unfortunately, DH has to ask me to intervene when Izzy won't do as he asks... which says a lot about the respect thing. Instead of getting Izzy to obey DH, I kind of have to coach DH on how to deal with it. I'm hoping DH will get to a point where I won't need to do that. AND I've noticed that although *I* am currently the main disciplinarian in the house... Izzy shows a LOT more physical love, trust, and affection toward me than DH. Like I said... I'm hoping that changes with time.
Anyway, I just wanted to give you some encouragement by letting you know I've dealt with the disrespect thing too. Keep us updated on what has worked in your family! [hug]