My son doesnt have many friends outside of school however he has this one friend. He's been friends with him since the beginning of this past school year and he hung out with him in school, then the lad started calling around for him and their friendship developed outside of school. A few weeks ago the lad slept over and dh noticed something I hadnt noticed before. The lad (Ill call him Andrew) said to Josh 'Come on Josh, lets get our pajamas on'. Sounds innocent enough, but it was sort of bossy. Denis said 'He's always bossing Josh around', and I paid close attention and sure enough he was. Dh and I had noticed previously that Andrew would often ask for food and drink, then he'd get Josh to ask... and Josh most often did. Andrew will be mean to Josh's other friend, our neighbour, who is a good friend of the family. At first I thought it was the neighbour lad (Ill call him Tim) being jealous bc Josh had another friend (Tim is a few years younger then my kids and I had witnessed him acting jealously and nasty towards Andrew).

The last few days things have escalated slightly. Andrew's been around and Josh has been running around the neighbourhood with him. Josh came running in the other day having fallen over and scraped himself up a bit. He was alone at first. He told me he was running and fell over. Andrew came up with a lad I dont like very much, a classmate with what I would consider behavioural problems. He said something about having fallen over while running on a rooftop! Josh left that minor detail out. The colour in his face drained and I said to Andrew 'You just dropped him in it mate!' Josh didnt get in trouble for it bc the feeling of being caught was enough it seemed. I could tell he felt sick for lying to me, he started crying and said he was sorry. We talked about the importance of telling the truth and he was told he wasnt to be climbing on those roofs again.

Several other incidents involving Andrew getting Josh to ask for food. It was a hot day and Andrew asked me several times if I had ice lollies in the house. Then he got Josh to ask for money to go and buy some. Josh did. I cant figure out why Josh hangs out with Andrew. Then something disturbing happened. I mentioned my neighbour's son Tim. Josh, Andrew, and Tim were bouncing on Tim's big trampoline. My kids are on it all the time and they have rules they made up themselves so no one gets hurt. For example, if someone is under the trampoline for any reason, they walk gently or stop. Tim went under the trampoline to get a wayward ball and Josh stopped, Andrew bounced harder onto Tim's head sending him yelling and crying into him mum's house, all the while Andrew's shouting 'I said I was sorry!!'.

Andrew will often tell Josh 'Come on Josh lets go (somewhere else to get away from Tim)'. Or generally just boss Josh around like that, not in a nasty way, but definately in a controlling, bossy way. He'll not ask Josh, he's telling him 'Josh get my bike', 'Josh lets go to my house, come on'. There are plenty of times Josh will say 'No' but more often Josh seems to follow along. This lad is definately the dominant one.


What Ive done is have a chat with Josh about it. At first we talked about the fact that he is to tell Andrew he isnt going to ask for any food from our house. To begin with I didnt want to tell my kids who they were and werent allowed to hang out with. I wanted them to find out what their friends were like for themselves and learn to make wise decisions about what kind of company they should keep (we've discussed the qualities of good friends at length). Finally, yesterday, with the revelations about the Trampoline Incident, I said Andrew wasnt allowed over and that I didnt want Josh playing with him for the time being. Josh almost seemed relieved. He kept asking me 'Do you want me to stop hanging out with Andrew' as if he needed me to put up those boundaries for him. I said to him he should be strong enough to be able to make that decision for himself. But he kept asking me about it as if he needed me to set up that boundary for him. I dont understand what's going on here. Why do you think Josh couldnt do that for himself. Its strange but Andrew is or seems like a very polite, VERY VERY polite young lad. He's chatty, friendly, so his bossyness didnt strike me at first. Its not so much the problem with this lad Im asking for advice about, but for my son. He doesnt open up very easily so Im struggling to understand why he's allowed this Andrew to boss him around without him noticing and what advice to give Josh about it. For now, we've decided just last night that he simply needs to keep his distance with Andrew.

Its difficult bc the kids, lads particularly, around here arent very good boys. I know them from school and the majority of them have behavioural problems. Im afraid that when Josh goes into secondary school there may be an issue with him 'falling in with the wrong crowd'. What can I do to minimise that potential. Im consdering sending them to a school that isnt local, but Im not sure what else to do.

Thanks for reading and any advice given is greatly appreciated.

Gen, I think sometimes you have to step in for your kids when they are not able to set the boundaries themselves. When our kids were little, they would often be invited to spend the night at other kids' houses. Sometimes they wanted to; sometimes they didn't. So, they would come to me and ask, but I could read their faces that they didn't want to and were hoping I'd say "No". Of course, they have to be willing to say their own "no's" as they get older, but when they're little, you might have to be the bad guy because they aren't able to.

I would definitely limit Josh's time with Andrew. But, also encourage Josh to begin to take a stand with him. For example, when Andrew thwarted the trampoline rules, Josh could have stood for Tim. But you might also ask Josh, what could he have done/said in that situation (or other situations) so you get him to think and make his own deductions.

I think also that you and Denis need to set the rules pretty clearly in your home. For example, "In our home, we ask people, we don't tell them. Only Dad and Mom get to do that."

Just some thoughts...[heart]

Thank you Madre, thats very helpful actually. I think you're right about sometimes having to 'help' them out when it comes to saying no to their friends (or other situations with their friends). My girls have gone thru different things with their friends but I could be very helpful bc I was a preteen girl once too. They've been thru so many different things with their little freinds and I see them making wise decisions often, but with Josh its a little different. I couldnt get my head around this one. I do think he was relieved when I said he couldnt hang with Andrew for a while tho.