I'm new to this website. Hi everyone. I just read Rylees mom's post about her 18-month old who is/was fussy. I have an 18-month old who is also very, very fussy. We've had him since he was six weeks old (foster baby). We just adopted him on December 8th. He's the best! :D

He was a fussy baby, but thankfully, he is a great sleeper! The past 3-6 months have been super-hard. He has had so many temper tantrums. He is easily frustrated by many things: diaper changes, changing his clothes, changing activities, putting on his jacket, mealtimes. I could go on and on. :wink: He was exposed to drugs during the mom's pregnancy, but the doctor says he is fine.

I have read Dr. Dobson's (and other books) advice about spanking, saving it for when the child is really defiant. And we do use that technique quite often. Unfortunately, I could not find where he elaborates on actual temper tantrums.

So I guess my questions are: Would you spank for a tantrum? Threaten spanking? Ignore? Give a time-out in playpen?

And the screaming that goes along with the tantrums is UNBELIEVABLE!

I think we've used all of them, and he just continues to have them. I've had many minor meltdowns at home and at church. It definitely is draining. And sometimes I don't even see the meltdowns coming, kind of like what Rylee's mom said!!! Craziness!!! :wink:

Well, those are all my questions for today. Sorry if this is posted elsewhere. I'm so thankful I have the Lord to depend on. What would I do without Him?

Have you tried transitioning him from one thing to the next? For instance, before you change his clothes tell him something like this " Almost done with playtime, in 5 minutes it is time to get dressed". Please note, I know an 18 month old does not understand time, but just the warning before something new just happens might help, KWIM? This helps tremendously with my ds who has Sensory Integration Dysfunction and has always had a hard time transitioning from one thing to the next. He also was and is,though through therapy getting better, hard to change at diaper changing time, hard to dress, would throw fits etc. But, I have found, at least with him, telling something is about to happen before it happens gives him some time to process it and it is easier.

[whatthink] Hmmmm... I used to spank for tantrums, until I figured out that it just wasn't working. Instead, I think it made it worse. I realized that when I used calm tones and spoke to my kids it helped to calm them. Then I would give a time out after speaking to them. Usually I would say, "That behavior doesn't work. Would you like to go in time out until you calm down?" If they didn't calm down then they go in time out. When they calmed down and got out I would discuss with them why they were punished. This has worked for tantrums the best with me.

When we're out, a calming trip to the bathroom seems to work the best. But usually I try to bring bribery sweets on an outting so that they know that if good behavior continues... they get a surprise! :wink: Really it depends on the child though. Truthfully, my dd took to spankings and my ds #1 didn't.

Dear Jen,
Thank you so much for your advice. I do tell him what we're doing before the next activity happens. But it always helps to be reminded. Maybe I'm not doing it ALL the time, like I should be. Thanks again. I'll keep trying!

My kid sister did this to me one time and I got down on the floor and did a tantrum too. She never did it to me again! I did it to my son and it worked on him to! They were about 3 at the time though!

Alicia

Wow that is so hard because he's so young! With Timmy I can at least tell him I won't respond unless he talks nicely. But with a 18mo old you can't do that. You could say something like, if you keep screaming I'll put you in your playpen until your all done screaming. Or something like that so eventually he'd learn screaming didn't get him attention it made him sit by himself.

Also with things Timmy hated I tried to make them fun for him. I found if I just did things differently Timmy would enjoy them. Like clipping his nails I would let him pull off the mostly clipped nail. Sounds gross, but he loved it. He loves being involved in everything. If he can maybe you could have him do something to "help" Good luck sweetie. I think usually ignoring tantrums is best because they're usually thrown for attention or to get their way.

Thank you for all the advice!! I will definitely use it. Tonight he had another major one, this time banging his head on the wood floor, etc. And it was because he wanted something off of the table that he couldn't have. So I put him on the floor, and he just had a huge meltdown. My husband picked him up and put him in the playpen, telling him that he can come out when he's done crying. Lasted about one minute (yippee)! And when he stopped, I went in and said, "Are you ready to come out?" And can you believe he screamed/cried and shook his head no? Meanwhile, we're trying not to laugh. So after repeating that for TWO more times, we decided to leave him in there, since he was happy as a clam. And then when I asked him later on, he nodded yes. GOOD GRIEF, CHARLIE BROWN!

((Hug)) This can be such a frustrating age!! But really as tough as meltdowns are, they are completely age-appropriate. When they get frustrated or angry they don't have the words to express it; I remember one time ds threw a major screaming fit and just wouldn't let up...I had no idea what the problem was or how to help him. It turns out one of his favorite toys had rolled under the refrigerator and he didn't know how to tell me so I could help him get it; as soon as I figured it out the fit was over :roll: Anyway, here's a great article that can help put it in perspective:
http://aolff.com/?page_id=79&page=1

Anger is a normal feeling (Jesus himself got angry, so why wouldn't it be expected from a small child?), I don't believe we need to "stop" the anger or punish because of it, but teach them how to handle it because it will happen again. Learning to deal with anger is a developmental stage; they need to learn how if they are going to move on to the next stage of development. If its something as simple as he can't have something that he wants, give him something that he CAN have and explain to his why he can't have the other thing. If its an all-out meltdown, instead of time outs we guide ds over to his "Comfort/Cuddle Corner" which is a chair in a quiet corner of the house (facing out) where he can sit and calm down, maybe have a sip of water, look at some books, hug his stuffed animals; I sit with him and just talk calmly and quietly until he settles himself, then we hug and move on with the day. This helps them to learn to appropriately deal with his feelings, not internalize them from fear of punishment. You can set up his playpen as a Comfort/Cuddle Corner, too. Here's an article that explains it in better detail:
http://goybparenting.com/?page_id=14

I would have your son evaluated by an occupational therapist for Sensory Processing Disorder (Sometimes called Sensory Integration Disorder) This isn't serious or life-threatening, but is common for children who have had pre-natel drug exposure. The #1 symptom is fussiness. Basically children with SPD have difficulty managing their senses. They may be bothered by touch, sounds, visual stimuli etc. Trying to process all the senses can make children very fussy. My daughter started showing symptoms at about 18 months of SPD. She has been seeing an Occupational Therapist for almost 7 years. Here is a website for more info www.spdnetwork.org
It may be he is just strong-willed :D but it would be worth talking with an OT just to make sure.

I have a 2.5 yo who has been doing what you described since she was 18 months, so I feel your pain! And it has nothing to do with any prenatal drug use or anything like that. I know she's just VERY strong-willed, and I know that she gets it from her mom. :oops:

With Audrey, I really didn't know how to handle it at first. I can remain calm and all that. She's a child, and as much as I'd like for her to behave like an adult, I've got to be realistic. I think that Mary was probably the last mom who didn't get frustrated by her child disrespecting her, lol.

Anyway, I tried a variety of techniques with Audrey. Spankings were effective to a degree, but I didn't want to be spanking her 24/7. I don't want that to be all she remembers from her childhood, KWIM? So, I started experimenting with other forms of discipline. Taking away special toys, etc. only made the tantrum worse.

I started giving her time-outs in her room. I put a cover on the doorknob to keep her from opening it herself, and I send her to her room when she's acting that way. Sometimes, I have to carry her, kicking and screaming, to her room, but in she goes. I tell her that she can come out when she's calmed down, and I sit in the next room waiting for the meltdown to stop. The amount of time it takes has lessened in the past months, but in the beginning, I kept repeating, "He who spares the rod hates his son" to myself over and over. :lol:

But, we can't do that in public. When we're at church, I've told the nursery workers about the time-outs, and they put her in a crib to have her tantrum, just like her time-outs at home. But when she's having a fit in public (like the store) for whatever reason, it's rough. She'll arch her back, flail to the floor. Meanwhile, I'm holding her hand and carrying her sister in a Mei Tai. She almost knocks all of us to the floor when that happens! I take Miss Tantrum to our van and strap her in her carseat to calm down in that case. Which is hard when you're being kicked, lol, but I want to handle disciplining her as consistently as I can. I've been known to leave a shopping cart full of frozen food in the middle of the grocery store when the need arises. But you know what? I've never come back to it after the tantrum passes (usually less than 10 minutes) to find that it's been put up.

ahhhh trantrums...our DD is 18 months old and has been throwing trantrums for a while now too. Our DD is very passive about her trantrums though, but she is still doing it. She has started to "throw" things when she gets frustrated or mad and sometimes she makes a bad attempt at hitting. Usually she will throw something she has in her hand down on the floor, or she lays down and kind of whines or cries. We do spank for trantrums most of the time because she throws them to "protest" a choice we have made for her....ie taking away something she cannot have. Sometimes she even tries to just lay down in protest, but even that is not tollerated. I do talk to her about it to let her know that her feelings are validated, and I usually ask her if she is frustrated so that she will get to know what that word is in association to her feelings/outburst. I do have to say that I tend to be more graceful and merciful towards her when she doesn't throw something because I know that she is learning about self control, and has to learn how to deal with her frustration, but I DO NOT tollerate hitting or throwing, end of discussion.
I have to say that I feel very blessed that DD doesn't tend to stay in her fits very long on most days. Spankings tend to stop them pretty quickly.

I know some kids do not respond to spanking in some situations very well, and if something else works that's awesome, but I do believe the Lord commands us to spank (but that's an issue for another topic and time) but it doesn't say we have to spank for everything all the time.

I would encourage you, which I am sure you do anyways, to pray with your Dh about this issue, and ask for clear guidance on what to do. I think it's good that you are seeking out "wise counsel" on this too. It's so hard to know how each child will react to something, and it can be SO TIRING to find the way that works, but keep at it Mommy, you are training this child in how to submit to the Lord through your discipline and helping him learn how to cope with these wonderful emotions we are blessed with! :wink: That's what helps me a lot...knowing that I am not only trying to teach my DD coping skills, but also I am teaching her that sometimes the Lord takes away our favorite "toy" because he knows what's better for us, and we need to embrace that authority.

Blessings to you all!! Congrats on the adoption, he is blessed to have you!!

Amber

By any chance have you tried changing his diet? My daughters tantraums were triggered by juice drinks. She's 3 1/2 now and I'm just reintroding juice into her diet occasionaly. When she was 1 I started giving her fresh fruit instead of apple juice and it truly made all the difference in her meltdowns.

The phrase for it is food intolerance or something like that. Sometimes its to preservatives (I can't have msg), or dyes (red dyes are a common triggers found in a lot of drinks). Even wheat is a major problem...I try to buy only wholegrain bread, white bread tends to cause the meltdowns as well.

I still give my dd sweets on occasion, a cookie or maybe chocolate but I definately control the portions. A small shmear of nutella on a whole wheat mini bagel and she's in heaven.

For me prevention was the key for handling these tantraums. If they are food related you may notice the change within a day or two of removing the trigger. Good luck!

I am new to the group and my four year old throws tantrums. I have tried stepping over her and also telling her that is unacceptable behavior but that hasn't helped any more advice? We are having a lot of changes with a new baby and him being sick and trying to conceive again for a bone marrow transplant but I guess I need to get it under control at least a little bit.

Jennifer
wife to wayne 08/11/2001
mom to Michael 02/01/2002
mom to Madison 02/07/02
mom to Maddock 10/20/07
ttc 00/00/00

my girl is a drama queen=) I don't spank for crying that is about not getting her way, it just makes the crying last longer and we both get frustrated. CLEARLY define what is unexceptable attitdue and give it a consistend consequence. I send her to he room (she's a little bit older but, you can tailor that) I also take away from her the next thing she's hoping for. Like if we're going out to shop and she's been promised a stop at her favorite place or at mcD's than I threaten to take it away. If it's an all out tantrum- to her room she goes. I have this view that God allows me to break down from time to time but, not so that it wrecks everyone elses life. So she's banished until she stops and is once again able to be reasoned with. At first it's hard but, being consistent with it is the key. She will occationally start crying and before I can tell her to go to her room she'll run down there on her own because she knows that's where she's supposed to cry out a bad attitude-CRACKS US UP EVERYTIME! Hope that helps=) Also I will offer a treat that is earned by good behavior and lost with bad behavior (and carry it out) if I know I need her to stay together for quite a while longer than usual. -ren

With my DD I tell her that she has every right to throw tantrums but that I have every right not to watch. There are some days that I wish I could go into my room and scream my head off. :oops: That is exactly what I do with her. I put her in her room for tantrums. She throws a fit for two or three minutes and once it is over she plays with her toys for about fifteen minutes and comes out a completely different child. If we are out and about she goes into the car. I have no problem putting her in her carseat and then standing outside the car to wait patiently until it is over. As long as she knows that she is allowed to be frustrated but throwing a tantrum will not give her attention she is slowly outgrowing it.

Hope this helps,
Sara

Thanks for all the advice, everyone. I really do appreciate it.

I do have an "update." My dh and I talked about it and decided to spank every time he'd have a temper tantrum, and we'd repeat the same words: "No tantrums or we spank with spoon." So even though we were at each other's throats for about two, three days.....IT WORKED!!!!!! By the end of the third day, which happened to be a Sunday, all we had to say when he started his screaming and kicking was, "No tantrums or we spank..." and he would settle himself down -- or at least he'd cry and not the TEMPER TANTRUM!!!! The first couple times it happened, I just stopped and thanked God for helping us. It felt like such a burden was lifted!!! Our house is definitely more peaceful now. He went from four or five a DAY to about one every other day! Most of them are prevented now by just SAYING the words -- not actually having to do "the deed."

This was done after much reading and advice from other women, among them our pastor's wife. She had just heard a radio message from Focus on the Family that said that children need to learn to control their anger and that it's not good for them to be allowed to "scream it out" because they get more and more angry. They don't learn how to control their impulses. I just felt like it was reenforcing what we were about to do...

So once again, thanks. I know it's not over. We just had a couple today, but once again, he's definitely either teething (drooling all over) or just overtired. (He took a three-hour nap).

Great thread...I needed advice on this to. My DD is into throwing things and leg stomping. What I do on throwing is take the toy away and will not let her play with it again until the next day. When she seen her toys going down...she kind of cut back on this. But, I still like reading all the posts and who does what....VERY GREAT!

He's not autistic is he? They hate change.

If not I would spank for a tantrum. But sometimes you need to figure out what gets to a kid. my dd when she was aboout 18 months I wouldn't always spank her because I didn't know how much she fully understould, but if she was being bad I would leave her there and seperate her from myself. She hated this because she has always been with me. Literally. Always. Some kids are more stubourn and some have a softer heart.

You've been given a lot of great advice already, but I wanted to ask how his verbal skills are. A lot of times these situations can occur because children lack the communication skills and become frustrated. They still can understand what you're saying, but if they can not express their feelings back, a lot of times it ends up in a screaming fit. Make sure he is being given the proper language skills and role play with him how he "should" handle the situation. It's easy to tell children what NOT to do, but we also need to show them what to do as well and how to appropriately handle a situation. Does that make sense? Also, at this age I would not allow the head nodding yes/no...I would "make" him SAY yes/no and make him use his words to get what he wants. JMO. Good luck and many hugs to you. Tantrums at this age are very common and part of their stages, even though it can be SOOOOO frustrating!!! Hang in there.

I just read your update, and Praise the Lord you found something that works. It makes you so thankful that the Lord gave us instructions on how to discipline our children...ie with the rod, and when you apply those instructions with a Godly heart, he blesses your obedience to him.

I hope your little guy keeps up the wonderful obedience he is learning.

My Dd has been very difficult these past few days. I know most of it is that we, mostly me, have been waaaaay to lax on our application of the rod. I can use the excuse that I am tired and am 9 months pg, but really, there is no rest for discipline if I want my child to learn to obey me and the lord. KWIM? So, thank you for this post again.....it has encouraged me again. We have been better today with spanking, but it's so easy to give Dd one more chance...and boy am I paying for it!

Amber