I am not sure if there has been a post about this or not but DH and I are just about at our wits end with Rhyanne and Ethan. The children are 21 months apart with Rhyanne being the oldest and our concern is that the closeness in age is the cause for some of the issues we are having in our home.

If I ask one of them to do something like clean up toys or put away dishes they will immediately respond that the other should help as well as it is only "fair". I view this as being disrespectful and that issue is being dealt with each and every time. However, this attitude of fairness just spills into everything. Rhyanne plays soccer and Ethan plays t-ball and while her season is over she doesn't understand why we keep going to Ethan's t-ball games. Taylon is Ethan's t-ball coach and Rhyanne doesn't understand why one of us isn't her soccer coach. She doesn't even take into consideration that I have volunteered as her Girl Scout troop leader.

I am just frustrated and in need of advise. We are planning Ethan's birthday party for next weekend and Rhyanne overheard Taylon and I discussing the need for more invitations because we ended up having to invite more children than originally expected. Rhyanne immediately proded us about why we haven't started planning her birthday party and why it is just about Ethan. Well...her birthday isn't until February...ya know?

I spend extra quality time with each of the kids individually. Once a week I make sure to go to each of the children's schools and eat lunch with them. I also take them out individually at times for special meals out during the weekend or to go with me to run an errand.

I am just not sure what to do at this point. Life isn't going to be fair and I think our children need to understand that. We do, however, try to make things as equal between all of our children as we can and I wish that Rhyanne and Ethan would understand it. They are different ages and different genders so there are certain things that are just done differently. I feel like as a mother I am not required to explain my every decision, especially to my children. I want them to understand this concept and yet still understand that I love them equally and treat them as fairly as possible.

Suggestions, help, advise???

Sara

Just keep doing what you're doing...tell them life isn't 'fair'. Everyone is loved just the same in this family. For them to see/say/act otherwise is rude, disrespectful and selfish.

There are going to be times this one gets x and that one doesn't. That one does y and this one doesn't. That's just how it is. Give some examples within your own life of how you don't get/do what so-n-so does...even between you and hubs.

Work with them on being more grateful for what they do have.

I think you're already on the right track, just keep it up. Be as relentless as they are. :)

I'm so glad I'm not the only one! I know my sitch is different, but T and S are either best friends or worst enemies! Sometimes I give them individual tasks to complete, but often I ask them to work as a team to accomplish something. Not sure if that would work for you or not...Also, if they are arguing, I tell them they need to work it out or they can both go to their rooms. It's amazing to me that at 5.5 and 2.5 how they can figure things out without me!

Right now, we are trying to deal with Trevor tattling, "Moooooom, Shaelyn is ... whatever!" So annoying! I tell him he's allowed to tell me only if someone or something is getting hurt.

I want my kids to be friends. To help each other, to love each other, to work together...I'm really struggling with how to implement that...but each day is a new day and we start over again!

((hugs))

I recently read "Siblings Without Rivalry" by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. Although it didn't really tell me anything I didn't already know it helped clarify my approach to sibling rivalry in our home. They address some of the situations that you have described, so maybe you would find it helpful.

I am just not sure what to do at this point. Life isn't going to be fair and I think our children need to understand that. We do, however, try to make things as equal between all of our children as we can and I wish that Rhyanne and Ethan would understand it. They are different ages and different genders so there are certain things that are just done differently. I feel like as a mother I am not required to explain my every decision, especially to my children. I want them to understand this concept and yet still understand that I love them equally and treat them as fairly as possible.

I think you have the right approach here. It is definately harmful to fall into the trap of trying to be absolutely equal with everyone. That is just not how life works and doesn't actually end up meeting everyones individual needs anyway. So, it is more about meeting individual needs in your children as they arise.

When a child raises concerns about unfairness, I would just make sure that they know that their concerns are heard and recognized (not simply dismissed as silly or inconvenient as is tempting in this sort of situation). That doesn't mean that they will necessarily get what the sibling has - but it does make them feel that they are being heard and they can then learn to deal with their feelings over a perceived unfairness.

I agree that equal does not mean fair. Regardless of the word, it usually means the child is tending toward the selfish side at the moment. At prayer time before bed, you and the kids can list the nice things people have done for you that day, as well as name the nice things you each did for other people. If the kids are old enough, you could take them to volunteer. There are certainly plenty of elderly people who need some leaves raked this time of year!

When the kids are being negative, then I respond negatively, things just keep spiralling downhill. I've found that if I respond positively, things improve. Pointing out nice things the kids do for each other as much as possible may give them a nudge to be nicer. Would it be possible for Rhyanne to help plan Ethan's party?

As for tattling, my reaction depends on the situation. If someone is telling me of a wrong done to him during a fight, the tattler first has to tell me what he did wrong before he is allowed to tell me what the other child did. If the child is tattling just to get someone in trouble, I usually reply with, "Wow, what do you think I should do?" I get the tattler into a drawn out discussion about what the right punishment would be, competely going overboard. There is very little tattling at our house.

Hope some of this helps.

As for tattling, my reaction depends on the situation. If someone is telling me of a wrong done to him during a fight, the tattler first has to tell me what he did wrong before he is allowed to tell me what the other child did.

Ooooooooooooo, I like this!