Advice...Suggestions???

[mlm4ncsu]

This is my first post other than the intro, so I apologize if it is a little lengthy. I find it difficult sometimes for me to write out my thoughts/feelings so I hope this comes across in the appropriate tone, spirit, etc.

I am 29 weeks pregnant with my second child and I have been thinking about my “birth plan” lately. I am a planner so I like to have a general idea of how I would like for things to go. Now, I realize that when it comes down to it, anything can happen no matter how much you plan for it. But, still, I’d like to have a plan in place for when the time arrives. We kind of had a plan with my first but were not very vocal about it, and things just happened the way they did.

With my first (DD), everything went well and everyone was excited, but it was VERY hectic. She was born on January 1st and was the first baby born in our county in 2006. We had her late that evening and there was another girl in labor at the same time, so it was almost like a “race” to the finished line. We did not know the sex of ours, and this was the first grandchild for my DH’s parents (the 6th for my parents). So, you can imagine the excitement! The waiting room was full of family and friends, most of which were allowed to come back in the labor and delivery room to see us BEFORE and AFTER she was born. I think the hospital staff was very lenient due to the circumstances. I was exhausted - had gotten to the hospital about 7 am Sun. morning and had not rested any at all the night before b/c of the contractions. My water had not broke and I was only 2.5 cm dialated, but the contractions were strong and close. I walked the halls all morning and my doctor decided to admit me and break my water. They gave me something to try and help me rest, but I couldn’t – I was just in and out of it. My DH and Mom were with me the whole time. We had talked about it just being him with me during the delivery, so that we could have those first few moments together, but the day came and he wasn’t sure if he’d be able to handle it and I really wanted and needed my Mom. Friends and family were in and out all afternoon – I have two sisters and a brother, my DH has one sister (who was 2 months pregnant at the time ~ that’s another story for another day). My MIL was there all day and in the room with us much of the time as well. So anyway, with the help of pitocin and an epidural, I was ready to push around 6 pm. The nurse had mentioned earlier that two could stay with me and we told her that it would be my DH and Mom. So when the time came to push, my sisters hugged me and went back to the waiting room and for some reason my MIL hung around. The nurses didn’t say anything, but they were kind of busy – they had to page my doctor several times and he got there just in time. I had a mirror so that I could see, and my DH and Mom helped me through the breathing, holding my legs, pushing, etc. That was what I wanted, but I felt uncomfortable with my MIL seeing it ALL. And as soon as DD was born, my MIL rushed out to the waiting room, announced the news and then rushed back in the delivery room with her daughter (DH’s sis) right behind her. That really bothered me b/c if anyone I would have wanted my own sisters in there as well or none at all. Later, I learned that it really hurt my sisters too.

With all of that said, maybe you can understand why the thought of a birth plan has been on my mind. I know I should let all of that go b/c we can’t do anything about ‘yesterday’. But, it really hurt me and I know that I’ve been carrying it with me ever since. I just don’t want the same things to happen this time, but I also don’t want to hurt anyone. I am not the type of person who wears their feelings on their sleeve, and mostly I keep quiet to avoid any kind of confrontation or argument. My DH is more outspoken, but he didn’t see anything ‘wrong’ with the way things went and don’t understand why it bothered me. I can’t really talk to him about it b/c he gets defensive when it’s HIS family in question. My relationship with my MIL has not been the same since DD was born (I work full-time and she keeps DD), and my relationship with SIL has not been the same since we told them we were pregnant (they had been TTC for a while and we weren’t and got pregnant). I guess there’s a lot more going on here than just a birth plan, but we’ll start with that…..any guidance, comments, etc???

[imported_rachel]

Do you think the nurses, this next time, could be asked to make sure it's just your 2 picks for support in the room? Now that you know they tend to be lax (spelling?) about it..

[mlm4ncsu]

Do you think the nurses, this next time, could be asked to make sure it's just your 2 picks for support in the room? Now that you know they tend to be lax (spelling?) about it..

That is my plan, but like last time, things just happened so fast that it didn't matter. I am worried that my MIL expects to be there b/c she was there with the 1st. If we are vocal about it beforehand, it may cause some friction/hard feelings. Plus, I would love to have more video this time (we have pics but no video of my DD), and my sis does video production. So if we did have anyone extra, I would like for it to be her.

[Crissyanna]

If that was me, I wouldn't tell anyone I was in labor until after the fact.

I know what you mean about things not happening quite the way you want them too. While I didn't have that experience (we live a minimum of three hours away from all our family), it was still not what I wanted, prayed for, pictured etc.

I would let it be known that you and your DH want some time together ALONE with the new baby at birth. To bond as a family, and that you want your eldist to meet her sibling next. Then, when you are rested up (you can play the, having a baby is hard work card and tell them you'll call when you are up to visitors) have the rest come in.

I was lucky. If I had family out in the waiting room, the two allowed in with me at the birth are required to sign a waiver saying that they will not go back and forth with updates, that they stay put until it is all over, and NO ONE else is allowed in. It is a locked area of the hospital. That part was nice (just in case my MIL decided to drive the three hours the day I was induced)

[Godzgirl]

I just wanted DH with me and i was in labor with my first. My MIL wanted to be there and thought she should but i told dh i didnt' want her there and i told her myself. I don't like confrontation myself and felt bad to tell her she couldn't be there (especially because she can be a little on the offensive side). But it was my decision and i was the one in labor. She made comments about it for awhile but then it blew off. End result: everything turned out fine and i was happy she wasn't there to see me in all my glory! :lol:

[4HisGlory]

I also don't like confrontation but I plan on doing a formal invite to those who are invited and to let others know they arn't. I plan on having as many people in there that I can and since my family isn't here so my mil and sister in law will be invited given enough room. I also have 1 friend I already invited in. HOWEVER I do have a similar problem, one of my best friends invited herself into the room without asking, and is going to take pictures....ummm...I don't know if I really want pictures while in labor. but I know I will hurt her if I tell her she can't come in....so I am kind of hoping the room runs out of room, so I can tell her opps sorry....Don't know if that helped at all, but at least you arn't alone.

[Ren]

If that was me, I wouldn't tell anyone I was in labor until after the fact.


If you don't want to confront this is the way to go but, I suspect your mil isn't stupid so, if you avaoid the conversation it may also create some friction. Would your husband be willing to tell her the "plan"?- he'd know how to talk to her best. -ren

[Crissyanna]

You know, I got to thinking and as the time for delivery was drawing closer, my MIL stated that she would love to come out and watch her grandchild be born (ours is the first on both sides). I was shocked that she would even suggest such a thing (I tend to be a private, quiet person). I said, without thinking, that my husband is the one who got me pregnant, so he is the one who will get to be there when I get unpregnant. She was like, but this is my grandchild, and I was nice and said that I wasn't even allowing my mom to be in the delivery room for it, it wasn't personal.

Then after we had her, and had gone to visit her house, she said that she will be in the room when my SIL gives birth, that she thought it was only right that my mom get to be there with me for it, however, she would have loved to have been there. Thanks, no, my MIL does not need to see me like that. Granted, I took care of her after her back surgery last summer and I had to see more of her than I ever wished I had to, that was a different situation.

I am considering having someone along with Hubby in there next time (depends on which hospital we get to have the baby in actually). If it is the same hospital, I will probably choose to have another person there. That way, Hubby goes with the baby and doesn't leave it because he feels like he needs to be with me (long story).

You have to decide for yourself what is going to work for you. I know that delivering when you are not comfortable with the situation makes things worse and can cause a whole host of complications. Decide what is best for you, the baby and the rest of the immediate family, and hold to it. If you have to, put it in writing, and let all the nurses on the shift know about the plan.

[Shana]

If you don't like confrontation, or having to feel like you are choosing sides, you could always put it off on the doctor, saying my doctor doesn't want anyone else in the room, before the labor ever starts that way she knows ahead of time that she won't be allowed in the room.

However, if you do want some people like your mom and sisters, then that obviously would be a problem with that plan.

I think no matter what, if you really think about it and feel strongly one way or another, telling her with love and in a kind way without putting her on the defensive would be best. I really think honesty is the best policy and if you are doing so with love then she can't really be angry with you.

I personally had my mom, MIL, my doula and my best friend all in there and plan to have the same if not more when I give birththis time. But, that is what I am comfortable with. You need to be able to focus all your energy on meeting your new baby, if you are worrying about how to deal with your MIL or if she will come in, you won't be able to enjoy your moment with your new baby.

I just thought of one other thing, you could always ask your MIL to be in charge of your first born so that she has to be tending to her while you are in labor. That way it's not just that you don't want her to be in the room while you are laboring and delivering but that she is needed and valued to take care your your daughter for you while you focus on yourself and new baby.

I hope I have helped :D

[owens_mommy]

I understand that you are in a difficult situation. My husband and I have already discussed that he will be the only one in there, (unless he needs backup and then my mom will come in). His mom is a nurse on the L&D floor of our hospital, so I am worried she will want to come in, but we have clearly established the rules and he has agreed to enforce if it becomes a problem. If you don't feel comfortable telling others that you don't want them there- have the nurses do it- that is part of their job. Hopefully, this time you will be a little more prepared and things won't be so hectic and you can tell them who you want in there. Good Luck!

[mlm4ncsu]

If that was me, I wouldn't tell anyone I was in labor until after the fact.


If you don't want to confront this is the way to go but, I suspect your mil isn't stupid so, if you avaoid the conversation it may also create some friction. Would your husband be willing to tell her the "plan"?- he'd know how to talk to her best. -ren


DH and I have discussed it some, but he doesn’t see a problem with her being in there at all. He said that she was in there for the first, so why shouldn’t she be in there this time. He says it will hurt her feelings if we don’t let her in this time too. What he doesn’t understand was it wasn’t my intentions for her to be in there the first time, let alone his sister coming back there while they were still stitching me up. I do blame the hospital as well for allowing that b/c I thought after delivery started no one was allowed to come in or out due to sterile environment / health reasons?? It’s not that I didn’t or don’t want my MIL or SIL to be a part of my experience or in there prior to delivery, but I am a private, more reserved person and there’s parts of me that I don’t want the whole world to see. :? Like with my first, my MIL and SIL took pics with their digital camera, had them developed and were showing everyone before I had a chance to see them, and there were several that showed “things” that were way too personal for ‘show and tell.’

I just pray for guidance and that the Lord’s will be done. I’m sure the topic will come up soon, so hopefully I’ll be prepared. I try not to bring the subject up around DH or his family. Usually with DH, he gets defensive about it or it ends up in a disagreement and no consensus is made. I love my in-laws and am very grateful for them, and I strive for a closer relationship. But I find myself hurt and pushed further away when DH "sides" with them instead of supporting me and OUR family.

[SupermansLady]

I am behind you 100%! I believe that it should be your choice who can and cannot be in with you during labor and delivery. With my first, I was unmarried and the baby's father was well,,,,long story, but way too far away to even care about coming for the birth. So, I wanted my sister to be there with me and nobody else. Unfortunatley, things progressed a bit quicker than we expected and I ended up having my DAD (Ugh! :oops: :oops: :oops: ) standing right beside me watching everything as my son was delivered.
Never again will I allow that to happen. Once I start laboring heavily, only my DH can be in the room with doctor and nurses. Everyone else is banned to the waiting room until the baby is born, we are both cleaned up and decently attired. Tough I know, but honey, my dad is not going to see that again!

[Mab]

My, then I must have been really ridiculous. I did not want ANYONE other than DH to know or be anywhere near the hospital when it was my time... It is a private affair! You don't invite people in when you making a child, or phone them and have them waiting outside your bedroom (or whichever room you choose :wink: )
Anyway, it turns out, my BabyShower was arranged for 2 days before my due, and i was already in hosptial at that time, so EVERYONE HAD to be called and EVERYONE - and i mean EVERYONE knew i was there :cry:

Then, i heard later, my SIL phoned to hear if the baby was born yet... like, they just pop out after an hour or so, or like, we won't let her know...
anyway, there was MAJOR stories afterwards, cause they told her i was in theater.
DIL could not understand why i wanted the privacy - and i think, he especially, wanted to know more...
My family is not like that, in fact, if you talk about "that time of the month" or ANY other "female" things, my dad or brothers would leave the room. "Girl talk" and respect that.
Took about 2 or more years of "uncomfortable" feelings between us before all that was resolved. Which is sad.
But, i stood up for myself - and my DH did the same, he never understood me fully, but felt - he needed to back me on this.
Over here, you only allowed 1 person in with you, you lucky if you can have 2. and i think they are pretty strict on it. security reasons, as well as "sterile" or germ free...

See if you can avoid letting everyone know when you going in. It IS important that you & DH & child bond FIRST, before everyone. They can see baby the next day. (that is what i said - no one came till the next day - at least you rested out, and started "recovering" from everything you have just been through.

Praying for your DH understanding, and peace with the InLaws

[mamallama]

My, then I must have been really ridiculous. I did not want ANYONE other than DH to know or be anywhere near the hospital when it was my time... It is a private affair! You don't invite people in when you making a child, or phone them and have them waiting outside your bedroom (or whichever room you choose :wink: )

I totally agree!

I talked with my doctor about my birthplan before the time came so she knew what I wanted. I also made sure that DH knew what I wanted. He was the the one that made decisions once contractions started and I was no longer able to make decisions for myself. It was me and my DH in the room...no other family members or friends...both times.

[Ren]

mlm- I just caught up on this last night. When my daughter woke me at 4:44 this morning it took me an hour and a half to go back to sleep because of the thoughts I was having over the topic of MIL's and DH. I could rant for hours and maybe I will in the gripe section in a bit but, for this post I noticed you said your DH doesn't understand that the first time around wasn't your choice. Have you told him that? Have you explained that it wasn't your preference and that it just happened, have you told him you were uncomfortable about how they handled the pictures afterward? My heart is aching for you and I just want to cry because you are facing the best event of a woman's life without control of your situation and without support of your husband. You should feel hurt that he isn't supporting you- He's should be choosing your feelings above his moms. I will pray for you in this. keep us updated or at least keep me updated, please. -ren