I am a firm believer in a wife being submissive...but I need a little advice when it comes to my children... How do I sit back and keep quiet when I don't agree with my husband's remarks and behaviors toward our kids??? I totally understand that boys need to have masculinity encouraged...but he often calls them little girls and teases them about wearing pink panties and playing with barbie dolls(neither of which they do)...they are only FOUR! I feel like this can't be healthy for their self-esteem...I have talked with him and asked him to please not do this, but he thinks I am just too sensitive and have no sense of humor. Also, how does a wife just sit back and keep quiet when she feels her kids are being treated unfairly? (He is not abusive or anything, please don't get the wrong idea...just often uncompassionate and insensitve) It is such a trap... It is my motherly instinct to protect my kids hearts. But, I want to be a good example for them too in knowing that I respect my husband, even when I disagree with him. Anyone out there have any tactics that have helped them in this?

If you have talked to him in private and seen no results, I think this is a situation that would be worth seeking some counseling for- either from a pastor or a Christian counselor.

I'm glad you say he "is not abusive"- but it's worth considering that treating children with such a lack of compassion and sensitivity can be very damaging as well.

God bless you, sister, as you consider your options.

If you have talked to him in private and seen no results, I think this is a situation that would be worth seeking some counseling for- either from a pastor or a Christian counselor.

I'm glad you say he "is not abusive"- but it's worth considering that treating children with such a lack of compassion and sensitivity can be very damaging as well.

God bless you, sister, as you consider your options.

That is very good advice!! I would agree totally!!!

Well, I'd definitely pray about it. I totally agree that that's not beneficial for your kids to hear that from their dad. So I'd pray that the Lord would convict him about it, and then talk to him again.

I believe in being submissive to your husband in most cases....however, when I feel my kids are being negatively affected....that's where submission no longer is important to me. If you've talked to him about it, you need to do so again and be firm and maybe draw your line/consequences in the sand so he knows what's at stake....above all...your children's welfare and physical/emotional nurturing and develpment in most important.
Good luck, it's hard to differ on raising kids!

I have not heard the tone nor sensed the spirit behind your DH remarks. It is hard to judge. But having lived now almost 2 decades surrounded by 5 men...I have learned that they tend to relate to one another with insults and teasing. 4 yrs seems a little young. But like I said I didn't hear the tone or sense the spirit with which it was said.

I have learned though that as women we tend to be OVER sensitive in this arena. I still struggle with it. :? My sons are now 17, 15,12, and 11...and they constantly tease one another with "playful" name calling and DH has joined in this too. I have observed other men and boys and notice the same behavior. They are wired so differently than we are. This type of relating to one another we just can't comprehend as women. :shock: But I have noticed that it isn't as nearly as awful or as harmful as I had imagined it to be when I was first adjusting to it. I still battle it some and remind my sons to speak life and not death to one another. But I put up with a lot as long as I sense the loving jesting behind it. Though it goes against everything in me to even jest in this fashion. I sensed my constant harping on it was doing more harm than good. :(

To encourage you...dads and sons...well... let me say this: my oldest is known as " dumb Zach". Now Zach is the farthest thing from dumb. He is somewhat of a prodigy in many respects. But DH dubbed him this. I HATED it at first. But you know..Zach LOVES it. Men...they enjoy this tug and pull, the competition, the grappling with one another, whether verbally or physically. :?

I do not know your situation exactly. But you said he isn't even close to being abusive. I just wanted to shed some light on the possiblity it isn't really as dire as it might FEEL to you. I would keep praying...and gently try to tone it down when needed with well placed and gentle reminders of little spirits that could be wounded easily. I am afraid though that you might find this is one way that fathers and sons relate to one another. Also a lot of wrestling! :lol:

I don't really have any advice except pray, pray, pray, then try talking to your dh again.

How do your sons react to it? Does it upset them? Or are they too young to really "get it" - does it just go over their heads?

We have 2 sons, ages 8 and 6. Our eldest is quite smart, and (as in a lot of cases) quite sensitive. He would be so hurt if his dad was teasing him in that way. Sure, he can have a giggle and joke around, but with each child, there is a line that you just can't cross without upsetting them, if that makes sense.

In our home, we try to joke around without name calling, as we don't think it is beneficial in any way for our family. Sure, we have lots of laughs, but not with name calling. That can sometimes be a slipppery slope, and very hard to stop once it starts :?

Praying God will give you wisdom in how to handle this situation.

In our home, we try to joke around without name calling, as we don't think it is beneficial in any way for our family. Sure, we have lots of laughs, but not with name calling. That can sometimes be a slipppery slope, and very hard to stop once it starts


Meg,

I whole heartedly agree! I hope I didn't convey in my response that I think name calling is okay. I was being truthful about the fact that it does playfully go on in our home now, as the boys have gotten older, between them and DH. In my perfect world it would not go on at all! :?

"Submission" does not mean "doormat." You are to be a helpmeet to your husband, which means to help him be all he can in God. If he is doing something questionable, it is within your God-given role to discuss it with him.

If I were in your place, I would get in DH's face and say firmly, "I will not tolerate you degrading your sons that way." But that's me. I'm an in-your-face person when I'm provoked, and a certified drama queen. :lol:

But I would encourage you to persist. Ask him if he's thought about how his remarks might impact them emotionally when they get older, how he would feel if he were a child and his father spoke to him that way (or maybe he did, and that's why he's doing it to his own kids?).

Anyway, like the other ladies said, pray, and keep after him in a loving way.

Oh Leslie, I totally understood what you meant :). I hope you know that I wasn't trying to make a pointed statement to you or your family, I was just saying what we do/don't do.

I'm sure that as our boys get older, there will be plenty of name calling, whether I like it or not :lol:. My boys are younger than yours, so it's (sometimes, lol) easier for me to say no name calling. As children get older, their sense of humour develops more too, so what is hurtful to my son now at 8, may not be at 12 or 14, if that makes sense.

I guess I was just coming at it from a different angle, as I have boys who are younger :wink:

I'm sorry if my previous post upset you, as that was not my intention at all [crwy] [sorry] [loveflag]

Oh Leslie, I totally understood what you meant :). I hope you know that I wasn't trying to make a pointed statement to you or your family, I was just saying what we do/don't do.

I'm sure that as our boys get older, there will be plenty of name calling, whether I like it or not :lol:. My boys are younger than yours, so it's (sometimes, lol) easier for me to say no name calling. As children get older, their sense of humour develops more too, so what is hurtful to my son now at 8, may not be at 12 or 14, if that makes sense.

I guess I was just coming at it from a different angle, as I have boys who are younger :wink:

I'm sorry if my previous post upset you, as that was not my intention at all [crwy] [sorry] [loveflag]

Oh no sweetie, not in the least! :D

Oh good! [teafortwo] [lovesmile]

I agree that males do interact waaay different, but usually it only seems ok when they are old enough to understand the joke.

A few verses that you could use to back up what you are saying are....

Colossians 3:21... Father's do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged.

Ephesians 6:4....Father's do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.

I think joking with a 4 year old about being a girl and wearing pink panties is just another way of calling them gay....hopefully your 4 year old doesn't have to know what being gay is yet....so I don't see why it would be appropriate for your Dh to say these things.
The Lord wants us to use our words to glorify him...not make fun of our children...I would pray for this alone, and ask Dh if you could pray with him about it. If you see it affecting your children badly (which I don't see how it couldn't) maybe ask an elder or pastor like a PP said. Yes submit to your husband, but not at the eternal damge of your kids.

I will life you all up before the Lord. I know it's hard for us women to understand our men!

Amber

Thank you so much for starting this thread and for your honesty. I have been dealing with similar situations at home with my DH and DD. Some of the things he says are hurtful and very insensitive and he just doesn't see it.

I really appreciate hearing your encouraging words about men being wired differently than we are. Unfortunately he just sometimes doesn't see how it can hurt her. He and I have been going around and around lately.

Like you all said, we'll keep praying!

Thanks again!

I can say that there is probably one thing that will work with him at this point. I know its hard when you're worried about your kids well being (psychologically and emotionally). I'd say to state your opinion (not instructing him), then not say anything to him about it again. Simply take it to the Lord daily in prayer and leave it in His hands knowing that nothing you say or do is going to change dh or his way of thinking about the situation. Pray about it and for the both of you so that you won't fall into the temptation of trying to change his behavior and so that his heart will be softened and he will see the err in his ways.

Hope I helped! :wink:

WOW! Thank you all for your words of support and advice!!! I just have to say that God is SOOOO Good! My husband and I did have a long talk about some things and the topic came up (OKay, I brought it up!) But, anyway...My husband is a football and wrestling coach and teaches highschool. So, he tried to explain to me that sometimes, he has a hard time relating to teenage boys for practically 8-9 hours a day and then switching back to 4yr old language...Understandable! But, I have to confess that I have been calling him out on it in front of the boys, which I don't need to do. so we both have some things we need to work on and of course pray about.

Thanks for the encouragement that it is perfectly normal to tease in the whacked-up world of male-bonding! We are wired so differently than men and I am learning more about that everyday!!!

Of course we discussed that I may not always agree with the discipline he gives our children because as their Mom it is my instinctive wiring to be more sensitive and want him to be "NICER" in his discipline... but I think as wives we also have to trust our husbands as the head of the household to make those decisions when they simply can't be discussed.

I am just going to be honest though and say that we both get angry at one point or another whether it be at the kids or at each other or something else that happened in our day... Whatever gets in our path at that point is what takes the heat... Nathan and I both are guilty about that and when our patience are thin, we tend to be harsher in our discipline... (Again, not that abuse is at all in the home) But, just less patient in our tone and less tolerant of behaviors...

So, another question??? HOw do we hold each other accountable to not doing this? At the point of no patience, I certainly don't want to be told by DH that I need to calm down etc and vice versa (even though I probably need to be told!) You moms with experience, how have you learned to deal with this as couples without making matters worse?

A GREAT BOOK We HAVE BEGUN READING BY THE WAY:

Shepherding a Child's Heart by Ted Tripp

So far in the 3rd chapter it is great!

I am a firm believer in a wife being submissive...but I need a little advice when it comes to my children... How do I sit back and keep quiet when I don't agree with my husband's remarks and behaviors toward our kids??? .......Also, how does a wife just sit back and keep quiet when she feels her kids are being treated unfairly? ...... often uncompassionate and insensitve........


I am sorry to say that I don't have any wisdom to offer. Sometimes I feel the same way about my DH. I am a submissive wife for the most part, but let me just say,....I do give my opinion in private. I feel that if I do this, I am being respectful to him in front of the children and still, it allows me to share in the parenting.

I think you are handling things pretty well, IMO.