Moved from another thread:

Please, please, I would like to humbly and respectfully ask that when we are discussing adoption versus biological or natural children, that we do not use the term having "your own" when referring to biological or natural children. This is considered by some (including myself) to be insensitive language and while I am not super sensitive about this kind of stuff, I can see how it could be taken by adoptees as suggesting that "you" as an "adopted" child are not "really" your parents' child and this could be further from the truth.

One phrase my mom talked to me about was when people asked me about my "real" family. She explained to me that the family that raises you is your "real family." Same thing with the words "your own." I can guarantee you that every family who has ever experienced adoption sees the adoptee as "their own," and as a parent I am somewhat sensitive to the language we use as I never, ever want my DS to get an impression otherwise.

I understand that people who've never had much experience with adoption mean no harm when using these phrases, but it can be hurtful or send messages I know no one would want to send.

For anyone interested, here is a comparison chart of some of the terminology used in adoption discussions and what language can be considered "negative":

http://www.holtinternational.org/adoption/language.shtml

Notice I use the word "can be" and I see that this chart puts the term "natural" in that category (which I am not sure of the reasoning for but have never considered it a negative term myself). Thus, the reason I am not overly sensitive about this and understand that what some feel turned off by others will not. I know of adoptive families who are much more sensitive to this stuff than our family is and there isn't a whole lot that can be done to avoid offending people who are overly sensitive. Just asking that "we" reflect on this as a community here and recognize that there are some terms that may not be the best ones to use.

Thanks.... and hope I'm not offending anyone bringing this up.

And not sure if this is even the right place for the new thread, so if the mods feel like it should be moved somewhere else, I understand that also.

Link's not working for some reason..

I understand and agree. I think too often those of us who don't have adoption in our family history don't understand and AREN'T as sensitive as we should be in our wording of things.

(((HUGS))) Thanks for sharing your heart with us!

I personally always hesitate when referring to some of my kids as "stepchildren". To me they are just as much mine as if they had come from my womb. So, I definitely understand how it matters not where they came from physically - family is family - parents are parents - regardless of the birthing process.

Again ((((HUGS)))

adoption has always interested me and I'm glad you brought this to my attention. Thanks for sharing! hope we can get the link working soon...

Probably applies to quite a few scenarios, not having been there you can't know the trigger terms. Or sayings. We've all triggered offences in someone at some point, not even meaning to. I'll try to remember those, once I can get the link to load.

Childlessness/Childfree (both terms can be considered offensive, just a warning) has a lot of those too. Someone, somewhere made a list. Someone called me "unusual" last week because I didn't have children yet.... I try to forget right away but some of them (mostly the "it's no big deal" type comments) stick around in my head for a while. When it comes up it seems like very few people know what to do with me..[whatwacko]

There's a wiki with many terms and substitute terminology:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Language_of_adoption

Just edited the link, it works for me. Does it work for you now, Rachel?

Thanks for the feedback and support, ladies.

Yep, works now.

Someone called me "unusual" last week because I didn't have children yet....

:shock: What really offends me is when you're talking with someone and by the tone of their voice, they have ZERO tact in what they are saying. This statement sounds like it's coming from that type of person and IMHO, those types of people should just learn to keep their mouths SHUT, the whole.... if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all apparently was not taught to them or it didn't stick.

Is this the right link?
http://www.holtinternational.org/media/language.shtml

Yeah, it did feel like a judgement. I just timidly back off, never had it in me to say, "Well, actually...!" Just too shy!

I'll take the "deer in the headlights" look over "hear me eat my foot", any day. The former kind of amuses me. Suddenly I'm comforting, "oh, it's okay... I'll be fine.." But it seems to take a few minutes for their eyes to go back to their normal size.

Do you get the deer in the headlights look too?

Do you get the deer in the headlights look too?

Sometimes, I guess it depends. We actually have not gotten a lot of adoption-related comments because DS looks a lot like me, but I know some families who have.

I have gotten much more of tactless "short" or "petite" comments my whole life because I'm so small. Like when I was a senior in high school and would get the "You look like you're 12" comments. I think I usually just try to brush it off with a kill them with kindness nicer kind of comment or maybe sometimes haven't said anything, especially if it's a stranger. If it's someone I know, I might be more likely to say something or respond in some way, but it's generally not like me either to try to come back with something to get them.

Is this the right link?
http://www.holtinternational.org/media/language.shtml

Yes, that's it. The chart is towards the bottom of the page.

I apologize for using the term 'our own' - I really didn't think it would offend... actually, I didn't think. period. So I'm sorry if it offended you - it really wasn't meant to!

Thanks for the link!

I apologize for using the term 'our own' - I really didn't think it would offend... actually, I didn't think. period. So I'm sorry if it offended you - it really wasn't meant to!

Thanks for the link!

I never even noticed it in your posts if you used it, and just as "proof" that I'm truly not overly sensitive about this, I did not notice it in one of the others it was used in either. No worries... I totally understand that people don't mean anything by it.