Hi all,
This is my first post and I'm a little hesitant to ask because I don't want it to sound bad, bear with me. I love both my children and consider them amazing gifts God gave us. My daughter is 6 and honestly people who meet her always comment on how special she is--she truly has a very sweet heart, a wisdom beyond her age, and a closeness with God she's displayed since she was 2. She has never been sassy or disrespectful, she's a typical first born high achieving, teacher's pet (already!) and a very precious child. That said, our personalities really clash sometimes. I feel myself correct every little thing--her slowness getting dressed, or smacking while eating...and for some reason things feel strained sometimes. I mean we cuddle, I read to her, etc...but she always wants more, more time from me,etc..and all I can say is our personalities don't seem to mesh as well. She's more serious than my second child, and for some reason, I just struggle to be at ease with her.
The main conflict is that I have never felt I can do enough/be enough for her--she can be a bit sulky & demanding of attention. Emotionally I get exhausted by it and I feel myself almost shut her out.
I've prayed, and will continue to pray--just wondered if anyone relates at all. With my 2nd child, it's a completely opposite relationship--we are so close & laugh and all that...I don't believ in favorites, I don't even entertain the idea, and am determined by my actions to treat them the same--it's just the feeling part is hard.
Thanks for any wisdom,
khaki

WOW! I could have wrote your post word for word.. seriously! I don't have time to say much more right now but I just wanted you to know you.are.not.alone!

Welcome to C'moms BTW. [welcomesign]

thank you! you know, after i wrote it I wondered if everyone would think I sounded awful! I appreciate your honesty--definitely helps to know someone understands!
Blessings,
khaki

Hello Khaki! I am actually going through the same thing right now. My oldest is six also and she can be very draining as well. I've begun to think it may just be that she is hitting a stage where she has trouble understanding her emotions. My daughter will be seven in April and I know that as she gets older, she will become more mature physically, emotionally and mentally...hopefully spiritually as well. I just try to spend extra time with Gracie when I can and let her know that she can always talk to me about anything. I encourage her to pray and to talk to the Lord as a friend if there are things that she does not want to talk to anyone else about. She has admitted to me that even sometimes she doesn't know why she is upset, she just is. So I know it is hard. I just try to be as understanding as I can and pray A LOT! You might want to check my post about young girls (age 6-9.) It might be helpful to read through some of the responses.

Welcome to C'Moms by the way! [welcomehi]

Thanks so much for the encouragement. It really does help to not feel so alone. I just got a copy of the book, Growing Little Women, which I read about in your thread. I'm really excited about it, but still praying for the best time to start it. I long to have such a close relationship with her, and I have struggled all along with my own insecurities...hard to explain without too long of a post. But I should probably add here that both my kids are adopted. I don't know how/if it has any impact on this now, but I do know that I struggled with my insecurities as a first time mom--not feeling good enough to have a gift like her.
However, she was also a very, very difficult, colicky baby, and from day one preferred my husband...so I do think there are some residual things that Satan would no doubt love to have a hay day with!
That said, I know God is for us, (me & her) and so much of it is praying about my attitude, my words, my impatience...and loving her with grace!
Thanks for listening and "being there"!
Blessings,
khaki

I could have written this as well and I'm glad you did cause it does help to know *I'm* not alone. my dd is also 6 and my youngest is a 2 year old boy. I constantly feel like I'm correcting her and yet she still says "I'm a mama's girl". some one was just "praising" her last night but, I feel tension there and I also regularly feel like I'm not doing all the right things is response to her- I pray for wisdom and courage in relation to her. Youngest is a little jokester and we just connect personality wise better. I am noticing a few things in this thread- 6 years old being the first. Maybe alot of it has to do with the age. Emme is SUPER slow at everything. drives me nuts. she's a big girl and can do so much more now but, she still react to so much like a 4 year old would- crying and temper burst. I've thought recently that this must be a really weird spot for her to be in- kind of like a teen. she's deffinately pushing new boundries lately. So, I'm trying to be patient. Last night I said to her at the table, "I don't want to yell so, heres the deal- I'll work on yelling less and you work on obeying more;)". . .was super happy I didn't yell during that time but, that's not always the case. then there's the mother/daughter factor and the first born factor and then the younger sibling factor. There's a whole lot going on there. Then there's also the factor that one can't help and that is the personality factor. I'm also determined to show love to both and find things about both that I can praise but, you can't help who you naturally connect with. I was a favorite grandchild. My gram loved and showed love to all of us but, there was no mistaking who she connected more with. I just asked my sister if she ever felt less loved and she said no even though she'd say she knew I was the "favorite". It is possible to love equally and yet have a special connection with one over the other. It's a really fine line though. my grandmother did it well my mother (whose favorite was my sister and is now my sisters daughter) does not. I felt very hurt growing up because my mom didn't make bigger efforts to connect with me. And she's only shooting herself in the foot with the other grandkids. it's actually not a huge problem with us because we're about 45 minutes away and my kids don't "see" what's going on. The problem (and a big one right now) is for my sister's youngest who actually said to her, "mama, A. has her nanny, I want one of my own." =( All that to say, I am making concerted efforts (literally being intentional and going out of my way to show favor and asking God to help my emotions match my actions) right now with emme because I don't want her to feel like my nephew is feeling- "I want my own mommy" but, I'm not going to beat myself up too much over the fact that things are just easier between bran and I right now. That might not all be the "right" stuff but, I'm sharing where I'm at right now. Been really introspective about this lately;)

Khaki,
By NO MEANS are you alone in your feeling, as you can see by the other replies. And don't feel bad about this either. I had a great relationship with my oldest dd (now 15) until she was about 6yo. Just last night I was talking about how I feel that the 10 years have been strained between us. I thought it had to with (and probably does) her dad and I divorcing. I keep being told that our relationship will get better when she gets in her 20's and she is living the life of an adult. That is when she will truly start to understand. Don't give up hope or your faith. Love her as you always have (and will). Remeber - That which does not kill you will make you stronger. God will never give you more than you can handle.
Julie

Oh my, um, yes. I also have this problem. I will *try* to get back and post more later because I *really* have to go..I *really* shouldn't even be here yet. :p

But, yes, I have this problem with my 8 yr old. He's my middle child...but was BORN a 'middle child'. He's acted like that since he was born. No joke! LOL He and I had a rough start and it's only barely and briefly improved. The whole family feels it, it's not just me. Poor kid.

He's a great kid. Really. Comic, spunky...he's fun. He's just....different in ways I cannot fully describe and we ALL have a hard time tolerating him for more than a few minutes at a time.

Again, I will try to elaborate later, a timer just went off so I must go...and a child just came in need of school assistance.

But rest assured...you are NOT alone. I don't know how to fix it yet, but I trust we'll make it if we just keep on keeping on. :)

You all are amazing! What a blessing to have joined this forum--I really looked around "out there' and wasn't sure I wanted to--I am a bit of a private type ;)
But I can't believe how God has already used you all to encourage me in such a difficult area!
I do think for me a lot of it stems (without getting to psycho-analytical!) from my own relationship with my mom. we're "close" now, though many states apart, but growing up I was the last born and the wall flower of the family--a good kid, just not noticed, not the favorite.
My daughter is typical first born, perfectionist, strikingly beuatiful (adopted, so I can say that without sounding prideful!), and by far my mom's favorite of all the grandkids.since she was 2, my daughter was memorizing Bible stories on CD, and constantly correcting me on OT stories...a know it all type, which being the last in a big family, I had enough of that growing up! Somehow though her high-performance does not transfer to her activity level because she is slower than molasses uphill to get dressed, brushed teeth, even go to the bathroom, she'll just hang out there for half an hour!
Then my 3 yr old boy, wild child is just this fun fearless, loves to hug, kiss, jokes all day kid. He's a free spirit, complete opposite to her, and even though I was never as fearless as him, he just brings a side of me to life. Not to mention, she never had an ounce of separation anxiety as a baby, would go to anyone, while he is still attached to my hip, and will take a day at Target with me over anything without me! And man is he FAST!
I was encouraged however last night, spent some time chatting with 6 yr old before bed, and it was sweet. So I was convicted once again to just slow down, acknowledge/admit/accept their differences, and take time for her. My mom was such a doer she never just sat with us--and I find myself going that path a lot. But my 6yr old craves just my time sitting with her, and it was well worth it last night.
Thanks again all, it's great to have found your fellowship!
Blessings,
khaki

I haven't had a chance to read all the posts but I can say that I am very much that same way with my first born. We are both first-borns and so our personalities just simply clash with each other. Both perfectionists. But my second and I are very close. I try and make sure that I treat them the same and my oldest and I love to hang out it's just the little things that we clash on.

Now that I have a few minutes I don't really know what to say that has not been said. I think it's interesting how similar our situations are though. My dd is also 6yrs old and she is my eldest and I could describe her so closely to how you described your dd. She's a high achiever, know-it-all (in a good way), well behaved little girl. When we are out visiting friends, at the grocery store, or at church, wherever, we are constantly getting compliments on how intelligent and well behaved she is. Now where things may be different for me is at home.. she's not disrespectful but she has a mind of her own. I do have to say this has been SO much better this past year. We went through a rough spell there where I would tell her to do something and she would do her best to find a way of doing it without actually doing it! Ok I know that makes no sense but for example I would say "Brooke, sit right here" and she would sit literally an inch from where I told her to intentionally. I found it to be such a control issue! Her dawdling I also think is a control issue. She can make everyone in the family wait to say grace at meal time because she's dawdling getting to the table. She has to go to the bathroom or wash her hands, ect ect. Or getting dressed before we start school in the morning. I finally had to enforce a time limit! I give her 15 minutes to brush teeth and get dressed.. if she's not done in that time she gets disciplined. Dh and I also talk to her about manners and how it is rude to make others wait. Like I said this past year I've seen a turn around with this behavior, PTL! It drove me nuts, lol! I was the baby growing up and my big brother.. the oldest, always had to have control over EVERYTHING and I hated it! We didn't get along at all.. sadly we still don't. Anyway I don't know how much of that is related to my conflict with dd but if there are two people in this world who know how to push my buttons it's my oldest brother and my 6 yr old dd, lol. I still love her just as much as my other children though, and I NEVER talk about these things in front of her.. that could be really crushing! And I go out of my way to make special time for her. She really values my time.. just like your dd, just sitting with her makes her feel special. One thing you can do to help relate with your dd is put the boy/girl spin on things. You and dd can have special "girl" time. Not to leave ds out but maybe you can have dh spend time with ds while you bake with her or teach her something new like cross-stitching or sewing. Yk.. something "girly". I try to set aside 30 minutes each week for each child.. we call it "individual playtime with mom". My dd looks forward to this all week long. She knows her time with mom is Wednesday evening and plans for it all week. That’s not to say you can't have other times during the week you and dd can spend alone or with ds. I just find that if I schedule time it gives her something to look forward to and guarantees we will get one on one time (which can be challenging with 3 other children). Well I guess I had a few things to say after all. :p Anyways.. I don't think your horrible at all for having a different personality as your dd just because your personalties may clash a bit. I also don't think it means you and your dd can't have a good close relationship. It sounds like your a wonderful mother doing your best and your dd is just as blessed to have you as you are to have her!:-D

khaki- could so have written that second post too- slowed down is my theme song for this year;) isn't cmoms awesome. . .glad you are being encouraged;)

Tara, I'm still learning this site--but just found the link to your blog--and wow--I was really encouraged! You feel like someone I could sit down and have a good coffee chat with, except I'm not much of a coffee drinker and I don't "sit" a lot--but maybe a good run!
Anyway, I appreciate your honesty & transparency--it's inspiring!
Blessings,
khaki

Hi Khaki,

I only have one child (another one on the way) and we have a great connection/relationship, so I cannot yet relate so much to what you are experiencing personally, except perhaps in the fact that I also am adopted, as was one of my sisters (we are also biological sisters). I don't think either of us has ever felt close to our mom, which I know is not what you are saying at all, but I do think my mom has felt a lot of what you are feeling, especially with my sister. She was more of a difficult kind of child in some ways like you are describing growing up, and I used to think that my mom couldn't relate to her largely because of personality differences, which could still be a factor, but now I actually see some similarities between the two of them. My sister was very slow getting ready for school growing up. She also is very smart and probably required a lot emotionally, too, at times. She would hold her breath when she got mad until she would pass out.

Something else that you said really stuck out to me, too. You have mentioned a couple of times that your daughter really enjoys spending time with you (at least, that is what I am getting from your posts). I am wondering if maybe the two of you also have different love languages and that is where you are feeling some disconnect? I have only read The Five Love Languages book, but there is one that is geared specifically towards children also, I guess, focused on helping parents identify their child's primary love language. Just wondering if you might have read either of these books or heard about them and thinking it might be a really helpful resource.

Sounds like many other moms struggle with similar feelings. Makes me wonder if my time is coming with our next child...

You are exactly right about the love languages! And honestly, our personalities come into play a bit--I'm an introvert, and she is definitely an extro-vert, which I love about her, but it's a hard balance between us. That said, I again read to her alone tonight (without little brother) and it was so fun. We're reading a kids chapter book, and it really is making a difference--I enjoy it and she loves it!
I think the adoption part just comes into play (if at all) in that she was/is truly such a long-awaited gift, and we truly love her birthfamily, and it was hard for me to feel worthy--not that any of us are of what He gives, but you know what I mean. Anyway, I'm really starting to see how giving her the gift of me, alone, even for 15 minutes, is SO rewarding--to both of us!

Thanks for sharing your story--and any advice/wisdom you can pass on to me from an adoptee perspective is greatly appreciated!

Blessings,
khaki

I also think many "high performing" people lack that level maybe of what is expected in other areas of life. A lot of brilliant people are socially awkward or don't have a lick of common sense.

As far as the adoptee perspective goes, I think the fact that you are trying to understand your daughter and already recognize the root of some of what you are feeling is huge. Knowing your own areas of weakness as a parent, I think, really helps you know where you need to focus on your end of things through prayer or if there is anything you might need to go to the Lord about, KWIM?

Your feelings about her birthfamily also are obviously not an underlying factor in any of this. It sounds like it has nothing, really, to do with her being adopted as personality/love language differences can conflict no matter if the child is biological or adopted.

As far as your feelings of being unworthy of this gift God has given you, you are right! We are always "unworthy" of any of the grace God bestows upon us! But I will tell you what another wise adoptive mother told me when I was newly home with my son and feeling not "up to the task" and a bit overwhelmed as I was sick for a few days after coming home (from exhaustion/dehydration) and was not sure how long before I would be back to my old self again, knowing my husband would be back to work soon. She reminded me that God had specifically chosen me to be my son's mother. And this is true for you. Of all the women in the world he could see, he knew that you would be the best one to parent this precious creation of His. In my own moment of insecurity as a parent, I thought this was the perfect reminder. I hope it is for you, too!

Can I raise my hand too???? My Em is just 4, but I feel that pull sometimes too. Em is A LOT like me. You know the whole...just wait til you get a kid like you to show you how it really is? Yup, that's Em. I get her energy, I get her passion for life...but I struggle with the whining and constant attention seeking (yes, I know 4 year olds want attention) and constant jealousy of her sister.
We feel some of her woes are due to Noah's birth and death and being little and not knowing what it all means and how she is suppose to feel. I have to remember this and we talk A LOT.
I think talking to Em, being honest to her about my struggling with self control or selfishness..or even when I struggle with her disobedient behavior. I feel like we can have an open communication that is honest, and hopefully glorifying to the Lord.

I wonder if it's easier with Mak because she is still a baby...just 16 month and everything is still cute.....mostly.
I will pray for you all, and I ask for prayers too. This parenting thing is hard...but as you all said, it's a HUGE blessing from the Lord and something I would never want taken away!

Khaki....I have to say that when I read you said you didn't deserve such a wonderful blessing as your 6 year old..I just about lost it...and I am at work! It was such a humble sweet thing to say about your baby girl. You are blessed, and your children are there because the Lord knows you are meant to be their mommy...he trusts you...always remember to trust in Him! :-D

Love you all!
Amber

As far as your feelings of being unworthy of this gift God has given you, you are right! We are always "unworthy" of any of the grace God bestows upon us!

After reading Amber's response, I wondered if the way I worded this might have been such that it could easily be misunderstood, and if so, I want to apologize in advance. I hope you understood what I meant by it, Khaki, but I sometimes say things in ways that may not be the best way to communicate what I'm really trying to say. So just wanted to follow up in case that happened here...

I have always understood God's grace to mean "unmerited" or undeserved favor. So I think that our feelings of being "unworthy" at times help us realize or remember that it truly is God's grace that we are so blessed in different ways in our lives. I can see how without this context, my words may have been misunderstood, and again, if so, I'm really sorry.

I just came back in town and am taking a minute to read--I had to stop halfway through your post, NMom, only because I got so choked up in that last paragraph--in a good way! And no, I completely understand/agree what you meant about God's grace to all of us--that's actually my daughter's name--Grace!
Wow--isn't it amazing how God uses technology these days to bring people from all over together, to encourage in ways no one else can...and Amber, reading yours really touched my heart too. Thank you both so much for taking time to write such encouraging words.

2 Timothy 1:3

[lovewuvu]Blessings,
Khaki