I have a VERY CLOSE FRIEND, I love her to pieces. However, her youngest son is very agressive. Every time we get all together one of my kids gets hurt by her son. He is 2.5 years old and sorry, but just down right bratty! He has hit both of my kids making them cry, he bites....and hits with toys, etc....
Recently, we got together and her son hit my 3 year old with some toy, on the nose, and made his NOSE BLEED!! I was furious. The dad spanked the boy for that..but generally I don't feel they do much about his agressiveness. It gets dismissed. Both my husband and I were very upset about this latest act. I don't know how to approach this with my friend. I adore her and would never dream of hurting her, but I really dread getting together with her and the kids because my kids are always getting hurt!
My DH even said he wants me to tell them we can not get together with them because this was the last straw, their child made our son BLEED! He feels that they don't do enough to stop this behavior.
What do I do? How do I handle this?????

My first question is, where are adults during this? Are the children playing in another room while the adults are in the living room? I know that sometimes it is loud but maybe the children can play in the living room and the adults can try to talk there. I think that this aggressive behavior is really a problem. I would be concerned about my own child learning that this behavior might be okay.

I hate to say it but I am kind of stumped. This is a very difficult situation. If I were married this is one I would give to my husband completely! Maybe suggest meeting at your house where you might be able to keep a better eye on the situation, maybe only allowing the children in certain rooms where you are extremely close?

This is a hard one that requires a lot of prayer.

Sara

The adults were in the living room and the kids were upstairs in the bedroom playing. It has happened even when we are sitting in the dining room, and the boys were playing right in the livingroom (Within eyes view!).
My kids always get hurt by their youngest. It has been blown off...saying, "my kids always are the agressive ones" (my friend saying this). The most recent incendent my friend said, "well, it wouldn't be a get together if my kids didn't hurt yours".
I love my friend, we get along wonderfully, but her kids are so agressive. I am lost at what to do.

I don't really know her personality but would she be offended if you tried to come up with some solution to this problem. Obviously if her child made yours bleed she should know that this is getting to be a little much. Is there some way to discuss this without it coming across like you are coming against her parenting skills or her child?

Maybe saying something like, "I really love spending time together but I am concerned about how our children get along."

Sara

We just recently went through a very similar situation with our best friends. My hubby made the call that we were not spending anymore time with them for a while. It was difficult for me and the kids because we both homeschool and all of our fun days and field trips were with them. But I honored my hubby. I didn't come right out and tell my best friend, just made sure I had a legimate reason for not being able to get together.

We took about 4 months off, and when we did finally get together again, things were calmer with our children. They weren't as aggressive and nobody got hurt.

First I would honor your hubby. Next I would just give it some time. Maintain your friendship through phone calls and maybe just adult visits (like you and her getting a cup of coffee or something). Pray that God give you wisdom and perhaps even an opportunity to discuss it if that is what needs be. Sometimes down time is all it takes.

I appreciate all your advice and suggestions. I will pray for sure and we will take a break. I also will eventually get the courage to talk with her about the nose bleeding and it just being too much. I also worry that my mild mannered boy will become aggressive. He is not a hiter or a biter and always very loving.
It is hard cause we see them at church too. I am not the only one who notices the rough behavior.
Thanks for all the support. It is helpful to hear others stories and what they did.

I agree with all the above.
When getting the courage to confront her I may mention to her that the agression (which she even acknowledges) is not on - it is not fun for your children if they must always get hurt.

my one concern is WHY is her child so aggressive? does he behave like this with other children?
I don't know, i think there is a root problem that is being missed. maybe he is watching tooo many violent movies (or spiderman and that type of stuff)

Maybe as they go play together, mention ground rules like: "No hitting/biting/hurting each other... We will place NICELY with EACH OTHER!"

I like the cool off idea.
It is a tough one, cause you must some how teach your children to "be on guard" and protect themselves and at the same time - not to make this behaviour acceptable.

fortunatly - or unfortunatly (since your children sounds to be very young)
there are lessons in life they are being exposed to... as they get older, they will come across many bullies, and if the can learn how to deal with it now (i know they are young... so this is a HUGE challenge) - but it will help them a great deal when they older.

All the best - i will be praying for you & the other family, and that you will recieve great wisdom on how to tackle this issue with love - just as Jesus would do.

Not being a parent yet, I can't give too much advice. It's a difficult situation to say the least. I know I would not my kids treated like this either. We are here to protect them.

But I wanted to comment on the aggressive little boy. Is the dad aggressive towards the mom, other people, his children? Maybe the boy is learning this behaviour from his dad. I know that toddlers can be aggressive at times, but this seems very extreme.

Also, I wondered about ADHD. My "little sister" (through BBBS org) had ADHD and had a very aggressive behaviour.

Just wanted to add these in. I hope you'll be able to work this out so your friendship won't suffer.

My thoughts...

if she's a really good friend of yours, then wouldn't she understand? I mean, yeah...it's about her child...but it sounds like she already knows that he's agressive.

I would totally talk with her about it...maybe taking a break would give the child a good reason to stop being the way that he is. Like saying, "You can't play with (insert name) until you can stop (hitting, biting, etc.)."

Also...I wouldn't trust children that age to play in another room where it wouldn't be viewable....those are just my thoughts.

I do question why this boy is aggressive...I think it comes from things like Spiderman/superheros and his dad does a lot of rough housing...BUT, this boy just hauls off and hits or bites...even if you are sitting right there!!
I have been trying to teach my son to yell at the child saying, "NO I don't like that."
My kids are just not aggressive at all. My son plays so well by himself, in his room or in the livingroom. I often do leave them "unattended" while I do other things throughout the house. I should have thought this through better while at their house.
I will talk to my friend about it, and yes she will understand because I know she is aware of it. She'll ask me "what do I do?" "how do I fix him?" She is a good friend. I just don't want to hurt her in any way.
Keep the advice and thoughts coming.

my son is aggressive in spurts like that. He has sensory issues and he's borderline autistic. He seeks heavy proprioceptive input that he gets from hitting, tackling, biting, etc. Although he doesn't bite anymore (PTL!) he still hits and throws. Do you see any other developmental delays in your friend's ds? Are they lazy parents or do you think maybe he needs an evaluation?

It's not an excuse but it does prevent us from having a lot of playdates/outings. I don't like putting my friends' children in harm's way. I don't do much when my ds misbehaves, but it's not because I don't care - it's because nothing seems to work. He's currently in therapy 5x a week for his issues. We use time outs, but it just makes him extremely upset and leads to more bad behavior. We use positive words to try to show him the way, but he doesn't understand. We tell him no, but he still does it. We've even tried spanking him but that didn't work either.

I have taught my other children strategies to deal with Willie, tricks to prevent injury, to be aware and protect themselves.

One last thought - our Pastor brought up before that violent tv/movies/video games can be a gateway for the enemy... ? Is he getting too much exposure to this>? Would you even be able to bring that up to her?

I hope something I said helps, cause I sure did ramble on, sorry bout that :lol:

Rachel, I am so glad you shared...you did not ramble. Your thoughts have helped me so much! Coming from a mom with an aggressive kid. I mean, who wants their child to be that way really.
I think my friend feels frustrated with her son, and unsure of what to do. I do think that at times, they let their kids get away with way more than I would...and can at times not be as consistant. I would say they don't mean to be lazy...and I feel horrible for thinking that about my best friend.
I know she feels awful about it.
Thank you for sharing though. I do agree with what you said about the violent tv/movies...that IS a gateway for Satan. I think that we need to be careful with what our kids watch. When our kids watch even a scarey DISNEY movie...we can see the effects.
Thank you for your honesty. I really needed to hear that side of it.

Give them a copy of Love and Logic Magic for Early Childhood by Jim Faye, and pray they read it and put it into practice!

When it comes down to it, it really may be hurting your friend's feelings or letting your children be physically hurt. Not much of a choice. I would keep the kids away and just spend time with her one on one. You can meet for coffee, have lunch, etc. If she knows there is a problem but is not doing anything about it she may need to talk to a professional to get some ideas. Anyway, no friend is more important than your family. I'll be praying, it is a tough thing to have to deal with.

Hi Tracey, a lot of great advie you received wow. I can just say I agree about the time apart may be best for some time. I had this problem as well with a (nephew) who is the cousin and my second son. My son is very shy and not aggressive at all. When they were younger 2,3,4... this cousin did awful things to him, hit, bite, throw things, punch, break my sons toys, even PEED on my son saying it was an accident (which it wasn't). I have a terrible relationship with his mom, still do so time apart wasn't difficult but we are family so that was hard at times.

Sometimes there won't be a magical thing that happens, not trying to be a downer here honest. You know me. But sometimes things change with age. Now that my son is 11 things improved, still not great, but improved. Don't let this break you and your friend apart, adult interaction among parents, friends, moms, is important. Talk to her, be honest, and just keep trying at different times. See what works and what doesn't. Maybe shorter visits, or maybe if the child just goes to your house without mom and you see some things for yourself maybe you can help your friend with some ideas. Man I sure did go on here didn't I. But since you are so close with your friend, work on things together. Being there for this little boy will only help your relationship with your friend and maybe make a huge difference in this little boy, maybe.

Okay did I make any sense here. I understand this is hard. Hugs and prayers.

I think first and foremost, that you need to focus on obeying your husband. It's such a blessing to have a husband that is willing to set limits for us when things get ify. KWIM? If you have to, and it's no lie, tell her that your Dh requested that your kids don't interact until something changes. The Lord will bless you for obeying your husband. I would also pray with your Dh, and alone for wisdom on how to handle this situation. I would also pray hard for your friend and her child. I personally know how hard it is to pray for a child that you don't like or have a hard time with. I would pray for wisdom for your friend and her husband and maybe even that their eyes are opened to the real issues and reasons behind the behavior.
I'm sorry you have to have this trial, but the Lord always has reasons for them, even the smallest trials. I know it's hard to "confront" friends about their kids, even if they express knowledge of bad behavior because it completly validates their fears/concerns for their kids, and really who likes to be told, even with clear knowledge, that their kid is a troublemaker and not perfect?
Is there an older couple in your church who has raised children who might be able to give wise councel to them? What about an elder or pastor? Maybe suggest that they tap into this resource for help...if she really seems sincere about her concern and willingness to help the situations, maybe she will take your advice!
I think it's awesome that you care enough about your friend that you don't want to hurt her, and that you are willing to seel advice on how to be compassionate to your friend while discussing this....you are a good friend!!!

Let me know what happens, and if there are specific ways that I can pray for you and your friend as issues arise!!

Blessings,
Amber