Well, this is my last week of mat leave. I cried a lot last night just knowing next Sunday night I'll be going crazy being sure I'm ready for work first thing Monday morning. It's just breaking my heart so much! I so wish I didn't have to go back. :(

I'm trying to see the positive in it though. I'm working part time, 3 days a week from 7:30 to 1. It's close to my home and my DH can stay with Grace while I'm at work. Those are all HUGE pluses!

As much as those things are great I still have this feeling that going back to work (for me!) feels so unnatural and like it should not be happening. I think part of me is in shock that I'll have to leave Grace so much next week when I've barely been without her the last 2 months.

Our situation is such that even in my working part time right now, I'll be making more than DH. And his income isn't enough for our basic needs. We don't have a lot of output as far as bills go (no cable, home phone, etc) but we still can't make ends meet with just his income. He had been doing church ministry but now is just a restaurant because it's so hard to find work (and we split ways from the church denomination he was working at because of some recent decisions at-large). So he's trying to figure out what he wants to do next. I want to be a good wife and support this time of discernment for him. On the other hand, I wish things were easier and that he knew what he wanted to do so he can at least apply for other jobs. I feel like I'm getting so upset with my DH because I have to work. It's not really his fault. He's trying to figure things out for us to be stable long term. But I just keep struggling with pointing my thoughts toward him sometimes. Not fair!!!

Yikes! Sorry I went on that long rant. I guess I just need to vent and let it out to some women I feel like could understand at least.

On a completely different note, Grace is doing really well!! She's so cute! Here are some recent pictures of the little muffin!

http://i409.photobucket.com/albums/pp171/melloyellochelle/Grace/P1020411.jpg http://i409.photobucket.com/albums/pp171/melloyellochelle/Grace/P1020432-1.jpg http://i409.photobucket.com/albums/pp171/melloyellochelle/Grace/P1020438.jpg http://i409.photobucket.com/albums/pp171/melloyellochelle/Grace/P1020418.jpg

Thanks ladies for just being here and letting me be honest - even when it hurts. [loveyou]

Aww adorable.

I'll pray everyone adjusts well to the new schedule. The pluses/praises look really good, and I'm glad you got such a nice scenario and not some exhausting, overextended work schedule.

Oh my goodness! She is a cuuuutie pie! I wouldn't want be away from her either!

Seriously, I can't imagine having to work away from the home. That would be really tough. Is there any way you could find something to do at home that would bring in an income? Sometimes when dh needs a little help making ends meet I list stuff on ebay. We are in a position to do that though because we work in the retail business and have a ton of stuff to sell. I know a few people who started out just selling household 'stuff' that they weren't using. You'd be surprised what you can do with a little bit of resale knowledge. Just a thought!

She sure is beautiful, gal~ I'm praying for you, hun~ BiG, big hugs~

I want to be a good wife and support this time of discernment for him. On the other hand, I wish things were easier and that he knew what he wanted to do so he can at least apply for other jobs. I feel like I'm getting so upset with my DH because I have to work. It's not really his fault. He's trying to figure things out for us to be stable long term. But I just keep struggling with pointing my thoughts toward him sometimes.

I know exactly what this feels like, all the crying, too - I don't know if I cried more or if the boys did when I had to go back to work; both dh and I struggled with how we felt about it. It is hard in the beginning and your emotions are all over the place. It does get easier with time and it will give your dh time to bond with Grace one-on-one. It is a blessing that you can do so much for your family just working part time, too. I will be praying for you about the adjustment and that you don't have to WOHM for that long.

I feel for you, Michelle. I can only imagine how hard it would be to leave Grace after being with her 24/7 for 2 months. I do also see what a blessing your job is to your family and the bonding DH and Grace will have.
My pastor's wife gave a devotional at our women's breakfast...It was about waiting and continuing to pray even if your prayers seem repetative. I just want to encourage you to just KEEP praying for DH's career and your desire to stay home with Grace as you wait for your turn to stay with her again. Hoping this is only a temporary situation for ya. ((hugs))

She is darling! I'm sorry that you have to go back to work. :(

she's so cute . and ((hugs)) for you and prayers that you will feel at peace about having to go back to work.

She's just adorable! Will be praying as you head back to work!

Thank you ladies so much! Just reading your encouraging and positive words means a lot. Thank you!!


Ashlee - I had thought about doing child care in my home for other mamas that had to work. However, I never did anything with it because for awhile we thought I wouldn't have to go to work. Bummer! I wish I would have pursued something different. Maybe I will work on it while working... give me something to look forward to.

ChamomileFriend - Thank you so much for sharing and for understanding. It's good to know I'm not the only one that has gone through these feelings. Everyone around me is sympathetic but they also just expect most moms to work (which is an OK thing to do!). But since it's my desire and dream to stay home, it's hard to handle other peoples expectations and thoughts that I would just go back with no problem. I don't know, I'm rambling again! But thanks for your prayers and thoughts!

Israel - Thank you SO much for that very true reminder. It's easy to forget something so simple but powerful. Prayer. [praying]


Thanks again to all of you ladies!! [lovewuvu]

I totally understand. My dh and my dream has always been for me to be a SAHM. DH finished his degree shortly after DS was born so we had great hope that I would be able to SAH. time came and passed, and we prayed and prayed, and my maternity leave ended and I too had to go to work. It was SO hard. I also make more money then dh and we just cant make ends meet without me working. Once I had dd (3 months ago) we again prayed and prayed. however, maternity leave once again ran out. I am now going on week 3 of working. It is very tough since I know God knows our hearts, dh has his degree but can't find anyone who is hiring right now. I really struggle with wondering if I am sinning if I am out of the home (however God is starting to reveal some really awesome things to me about this)
The first month will be the hardest; full of emotions and tears. Don't harden your heart towards your dh, that would be more detrimental for Grace then you going back to work. And like someone said, it will be great 1 on 1 time for your dh and her little girl. It is a HUGE blessing to not have her in daycare, remind yourself of that often, we too have been able to work that out and it makes SO much difference. As tough as it is, try to think of your work as a mini break, it might make things a little easier.
I will pray for you.

Becky, thank you SO very much for sharing your story. It's helpful to just hear what other mommys have been through. :) I am trying to stay positive and stay open and softhearted toward my DH. He's a great man and wants the best for us. He has a Masters degree and like your DH just can't find work.

So tomorrow is the big day. It was supposed to be Monday, but my boss called and asked for it be tomorrow. I guess just get it over with, eh? :(

Thanks again.

Sending hugs and prayers your way for tomorrow. That first day is the hardest.
Becky is right - don't let your heart harden toward dh and avoiding daycare does make it easier because the only human in the world who loves Grace as much as you do is your dh. I see the girls at work who have to put their kids in daycare and they have so much more stress than I do, my heart breaks for them.