Having issues with bad attitude?

[gen]

Ok. My 10 yo preteen. Im just wondering how to handle the bad attitude. For example, when I ask for a chore to be done there is a battle, resistance. Id like to know how some of you here who have gone thru this handled it. Im wondering if this can be a transitional phase and if it is possible to teach my kids to be responsible teens and if it is possible, what do you suggest. Are there any good books out there? Any advice from your experience. Ill give you an example of what just transpired while I was typing this. My dd's were dancing and singing to zoegirl. They made an agreement before they started, one would sing lead for the first the other would sing back up and they'd trade places for every other song. By the time they got to the last song it was dd'1 (the one with the bad attitude) turn but she just decided she didnt want to do it the way they decided to anymore and wanted to do her own thing. This upset dd2 and they brought it to me. I listened to both of them got the gist of what was going on. DD1 (attitude) was rather flippant about it. now besides the point its a silly song and dance, it was her attitude, her demeanor, her 'I dont really care'. So I cant remember what was said. She was a bit silly but I said something like 'Well you agreed to something and now at the end of it when its your turn to deliver, youre not following thru.' She kind of shrugged like she didnt care. Well, this sort of thing happens every.single. day. I said 'youre grounded, please go and do the dishes.' She said 'What did I do?' I said 'Its not just one or two things you've done its the way you've behaved lately, the entire way you are acting'. I can understand completely hormonal changes, and I do understand what its like to not want to do things bc you feel pressured or bc you are very tired, I have a chronic illness and I know what its like, but I do what I am supposed to do anyway. I explained to her that I understand that many teens/preteens feel the way she did, and behave the way she does but I dont expect her or any of my children to behave like everyone else, I expect her behaviour to be exceptional. She is grounded, I just got a letter about an end of school disco and she wont be going, while her brother and sister will be. She asked me how long she will be grounded for and I told her it is indefinate until I figure out how to handle this. I admitted that even tho I was a teen once I dont know how to proceed and until we get somewhere with her she is grounded indefinately, it may be a whole summer thing.

I am waaay out of my depth at the moment. And i have another incident to sort out...

[mom2jl]

Gen, I think you are on the right track. My 14 year old dd is also in the attitude stage and it is driving me crazy. Some things work, some definitely don't. Grounding has been the most effective or taking away a privilege until the attitude changes. I find the most important thing is to be consistent, don't give in, be strong, firm but loving. Boy, wish I could take my own advice!!!

[Tammyn4As]

We are going thru this too. I always tell her to really think about how she is behaving. I also tell her if I can't trust how you behave at home then how can I trust how you will behave when your out??? She can be sooooo emotional!!!:???: She's happy, she's mad, then the next thing you know she's sad then happy again and NOTHING has happen or changed!!!!!:???:

[Madre]

I was kind of thinking, Gen, that it might be better to let DD1 make her own choices (at least in this instance). For example, she made an agreement with her sister and now doesn't want to follow through. So, she has a choice. She can either follow through like she agreed to originally or she can do (some consequence that fits). If she opts to do the consequence, then it's because she has chosen to. Just a thought...[heart]

I think I would also try to take some time with just her. Maybe take a walk together and talk to see if there is some underlying issue or fear. While DD1's behavior may be "hormones" or "bad attitude", there may be something she is concerned about and she might like the opportunity to just talk to Mom about it. Another thought...:-D

[Tammyn4As]

In the cause of fairness I felt bad about what I said about DD last night. Yes all those things are true but durning the up moments she can be a real sweet heart. I guess that is why the other moments are so had to take or understand.

Funny story-Yesterday she told me I was the best mom in the world so I broke out my Iphone and told her to say it again! I recorded it and told her I was afraid I might not ever hear it from her again! LOL

[gen]

Tammy no worries. I know my dd1 can be very sweet. She's just changed a little bit recently. She does have issues at school and we have taken time out alone to chat. I always explain that I understand what she's going thru. It had gotten to a point where I could see we were butting heads constantly, and that was when I first had a [whatsmack] moment, it was hormones. The other day we had a chat and she talked about some stuff that was bugging her. So we do that. Tammy, I did appreciate what you said and rereading it it didnt sound very bad at all. I admit this is a new phase for me. Ive never been very good at dealing with older kids, so this is ALL new to me. Its a learning curve. We had a chat about the dance coming up, its not a definate no. If she can prove to me that she's definately trying to make an effort about her attitude. Its when she does something that upsets someone else, instead of and 'Im sorry, I really didnt mean it' its 'I didn mean it!!!' Im seeing this as a transition phase. Im thinking when kids get to this age, they got all sorts of stuff going off inside them, they got pressures in school, at home, with siblings, they arent allowed to do and watch what other kids their age are doing and watching, and I dont expect a preteen to know or understand how to handle it all, just like a baby learning how to walk, or how to not throw a tantrum, ykwim, a preteen/older child needs to adjust to their new body, a mind that is beginning to question the things she's been taught. We've had some faith issues that Ive watched, prayed about and tried to help her thru, but somethings in that area are not even for a mum to figure out, its between her and God. So, yeah, This is all new to me.... and her too.

I hadnt thought of giving her an option there madre, if its appropriate, Ill keep it in mind next time.

Thanks guys.

[Madre]

Another thing, Gen. I would always try to make the consequence fit the issue. Big one for big issues and small one for small issues. Sometimes a big consequence for a small problem defeats the purpose and only creates anger in the child.

"Fathers (and mothers), provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged." (Col. 3:21)

[krazee4jc]

My Valorie now 18 stared acting out around 10. It was pretty bad seemed like she was always in trouble :( I couldn't handle it either...just got worse, it was more her emotions! Well not to long into 10 she started her cylce that explained alot!
My Rebekah started to act like Valorie was at age 9 :( sure enough her cycle started...my poor girls, it wasn't their fault

[gen]

My Valorie now 18 stared acting out around 10. It was pretty bad seemed like she was always in trouble I couldn't handle it either...just got worse, it was more her emotions! Well not to long into 10 she started her cylce that explained alot!
My Rebekah started to act like Valorie was at age 9 sure enough her cycle started...my poor girls, it wasn't their fault




I had been thinking something like that, and yet at the same time I want to be teaching them not to act out on their emotions, yk? I want them to understand that what they are feeling is hormonal and, bc its all new she is going to be confused about it. So on the one hand I am being gentle about it, understanding otoh, Im being mum! I have to guide them, sigh. I mean, Im quite hormonal a lot of times. So... Thanks Krazee!

[krazee4jc]

Gen, with Valorie I had her start a journal but we'd sit and talk together about what she wrote. I did help us both!
Rebekah on the other hand she cries alot & I just tell her go to your room & when your ready we'll talk. She knows she has an attitude sometimes but tries not to :( She says she cries cause it makes her sad that we get upset at times :( She's 11 now understands what she's going through, notices the signs. EXCERCISE IS A HUGE HELP FOR HER..SHE SAYS

[krazee4jc]

Gen, hows the attitude doing? Is it better [crossheld]