Work at Home Success By Jill Hart
Mom Laughs By Cheryl Moeller
Simplifying Motherhood By Trish Berg
Ask A Twin Mommy By Cheryl Lage
Mothering By Heart By Cheri Fuller
Jelly Mom By Lisa Barker
Family Check-up By Sheila Wray Gregoire
Parent to Parent By Jodie Lynn
Moments for Mom By Elisabeth Corcoran
Making the Most of Marriage By Paula Friedrichsen
Mom Test 101
July, 2006
By Trish Berg
It’s that time of year again to rank you motherhood stage. I know, you don’t like tests. Me neither. But it’s the law, you know. So get out your pencils (if you can find one in the kitchen desk drawer), set the microwave timer for ten minutes, and get going.
Instructions: Check off any and all of the following that make you go, “Yeah, me too!” Then at the end, add up all your check marks for your score.
Bedtime books and goodnight prayers last longer than a light opera.
You haven’t slept through the night in months, and can’t remember the last time you actually got dressed, curled your hair and put makeup on.
You are awakened each morning by someone standing with their face two inches from your nose, breathing on you, scaring you half to death.
You can change a diaper faster than a rodeo cowboy can rope a calf, and still not spill any unmentionables on the floor, though some may hit you.
You have stretch marks in places you didn’t know could stretch and more bags and sags than you care to admit.
You are still holding on to your before-kids jeans with the hopes of fitting in them again someday.
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The word “YUCK!” has been officially banned from your dinner table.
Your social life consists of hanging out with other moms at the McDonald’s with the play land, sipping soda and losing your hearing.
You only have time to shave one leg during your shower before someone screams, cries, or comes looking for you.
Your child throws up and you actually try to catch it in your hands.
You know who Arthur and Buster are, can count to ten in Spanish, and think that two-headed, fire breathing dragons might actually make nice pets, if they could actually leave Dragonland.
If your minivan broke down in the middle of the desert, you would have enough nourishment in the crumbs under the seats to survive for a month.
Score by adding up all your check marks.
0-1 Points You are probably not a mom yet, though you may be pregnant. You may also have nieces and nephews hanging around, training you for motherhood, like mommy boot camp.
2-5 Points You are probably a new or first time mom, freaking out at this point wondering if you have what it takes to survive motherhood. You are probably thinking to yourself, “I would never catch my child’s throw up in my hands!” But get ready, because it is inevitable.
6-10 Points You have several years of experience at this mothering gig, and are wondering when the raise will kick in or when you can clock out and get some rest. I have bad news for you: there is no pay raise, in fact, there is no pay. And clocking out is never an option.
11 or more Points You are the mom of all moms with years of experience under your belt (along with several added inches), looking forward to the fall when the school bus pulls up to your driveway, giving you time to paint your nails and sip your morning coffee in peace and quiet. Unfortunately, that’s about the time that little stick turns blue again, and you get a “Do-Over.” Maybe this time you’ll get it right!
You may now continue reading this blog. And if you happen to fall asleep in the middle of a column, my feelings will not be hurt. Just try not to drool on the keyboard as you might short circuit your computer.
© Trish Berg, 2006-
Trish Berg is author to The Great American Supper Swap, and Rattled - Surviving Your Baby's First Year without Losing Your Cool! She has been a guest ABC World News Tonight, Midday Connection, and The Harvest Show.
She is an internationally known speaker for ministries such as MOPS, Hearts at Home, and in Australia on Parenting Seminars Online. She has written for Today's Christian Woman, MOMSense, CBN.com and P31 WOMAN.
For more information, check out www.TrishBerg.com