By Cheryl Moeller
1. "Unfortunately I will not be able to turn in my science experiment for religious reasons. I attend a church that believes you should do no work on Sunday. Just to be safe, we also believe you should do no work any other days of the week either. Thank you for honoring my religious tradition."
2. "I would have turned in my quarterly report but straight line winds came through just our block last night and blew my computer into the upper stratosphere. I'm waiting for it to come down and then have someone call me and tell me where it is. Right now NASA believes it's in a geocentric orbit somewhere over the Fiji Islands."
3. "I left my homework in a suitcase over spring break and my parents couldn't afford the $50 luggage fee to bring it back on the airplane. They even discussed whether they could afford to bring me back - but they did."
4. "Our septic tank in the back yard backed up and no one can go in the basement (where my homework is) until 2014 when the Environmental Protection Agency says it will be safe to go back down there. I will turn it in three years from now if that's okay with you."
5. "I was doing my math homework when a call came in on my cell phone from the producers of American Idol saying that one of the finalists had come down with the flu and asked if I would take their place. It will require six weeks of rehearsal so don't look for my book report until late summer and the ratings are in."
6. "We ran out of dog food at home this week. Because my paper was on good nutrition, I decided to feed it to Bo the Dog in hopes it would help satisfy his appetite. You'll be pleased to know his coat is shinier than ever and his eyes are bright. I'm thinking of feeding him my report on free range organic eggs next."
7. "My Mom accidentally set the air conditioner too low and we went to sleep and it started to snow inside our house. I'd go into my bedroom and retrieve my social studies report but there are avalanche warnings in effect until next month."
8. "I accidentally left my science experiment in the sun and it started to grow funny mold. Our house is now surrounded by men in bubble suits who say they plan to bury our home in black sand and evacuate the city. The Disease Control Center in Atlanta has warned me to bring nothing to school with me until toxology tests are finished. You would be at risk of growing two heads if I turn it in now."
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